Well... it happened. She's gone.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Well... it happened. She's gone.
I haven't been around a lot lately here in the forum and I'm sorry for that.
Life's pace, all the things I'm juggling, my focus on family and work and the day-to-day has overwhelmed my time for things like forums.
I miss it. I need it.
Many of you know I've shared a bit over the past year or so about my sister. Her struggles with alcohol. Her anxiety, depression, anger and refusal to get help.
She was found dead this week, alone in her apartment.
My folks hold out hope it was somehow accidental. To me, I guess it doesn't matter what the exact cause was in the end. Whether failure of her organs or active suicide or some bizarre accident of 'natural' causes.....
The fact is she killed herself with alcohol. She'd been going further and further down the black hole. She'd passed the point of no return. There was jaundice and gout and strange physical symptoms and medical issues - all coupled with refusal to go to a doctor, refusal to get help, failed intervention efforts, isolation, seclusion.....
She kept it all hidden from pretty much everyone. My folks - though they learned a ton about recovery and alcoholism over the past year - still won't speak the word "Alcoholic" and cling to the notion that this was mental health issues, this was trauma, this was anxiety, this was...... anything but alcohol. Even now, they don't want to share that. They want to talk about her death in the typical frame: "She died unexpectedly after a brief illness". Let's not share how we really feel about what really happened. Let's edit the facts. Let's present a picture that only celebrates her beauty and quietly tucks the facts of the matter away from public view.
That pains me because I think it dishonors her and it continues the perpetuation of the reason so many - my sister included - hold shame around addiction. Hide it. Don't talk about it. Don't even say the name.....
I'm rambling.
My sister was 28.
I don't know how the hell to deal with this.
I'd had to cease communication with her late last year because her manipulation, alcoholic behavior, thinking and actions were unhealthy for me and for my family to be a part of.
The upshot is I never got to say goodbye. I know I couldn't have saved her, but already there's tremendous guilt about that.
I won't drink over it.... but I'm devastated. Mostly, boxing it up into a tight container in my heart and mind most of the time until it comes exploding out as a complete loss of control.
I now understand and embrace the terrible cliche "at least her struggle is over". It's still a weak salve against this pain. But I see that phrase with a lot more clarity and less cynicism.
Please, if you're in that place of despair..... if you're trying to quit and you can't..... if you know your inner self wants to be free - have the courage to ask for help. Give it absolutely everything you've got.
Life is a beautiful gift and despite what this f***ed up system we've created would have you think - you can be free of the horror and despair of addiction and you can be joyous and grateful and free.
Please say a little prayer or offering of peace for the soul of my sister. And please...... embrace sobriety.
Life's pace, all the things I'm juggling, my focus on family and work and the day-to-day has overwhelmed my time for things like forums.
I miss it. I need it.
Many of you know I've shared a bit over the past year or so about my sister. Her struggles with alcohol. Her anxiety, depression, anger and refusal to get help.
She was found dead this week, alone in her apartment.
My folks hold out hope it was somehow accidental. To me, I guess it doesn't matter what the exact cause was in the end. Whether failure of her organs or active suicide or some bizarre accident of 'natural' causes.....
The fact is she killed herself with alcohol. She'd been going further and further down the black hole. She'd passed the point of no return. There was jaundice and gout and strange physical symptoms and medical issues - all coupled with refusal to go to a doctor, refusal to get help, failed intervention efforts, isolation, seclusion.....
She kept it all hidden from pretty much everyone. My folks - though they learned a ton about recovery and alcoholism over the past year - still won't speak the word "Alcoholic" and cling to the notion that this was mental health issues, this was trauma, this was anxiety, this was...... anything but alcohol. Even now, they don't want to share that. They want to talk about her death in the typical frame: "She died unexpectedly after a brief illness". Let's not share how we really feel about what really happened. Let's edit the facts. Let's present a picture that only celebrates her beauty and quietly tucks the facts of the matter away from public view.
That pains me because I think it dishonors her and it continues the perpetuation of the reason so many - my sister included - hold shame around addiction. Hide it. Don't talk about it. Don't even say the name.....
I'm rambling.
My sister was 28.
I don't know how the hell to deal with this.
I'd had to cease communication with her late last year because her manipulation, alcoholic behavior, thinking and actions were unhealthy for me and for my family to be a part of.
The upshot is I never got to say goodbye. I know I couldn't have saved her, but already there's tremendous guilt about that.
I won't drink over it.... but I'm devastated. Mostly, boxing it up into a tight container in my heart and mind most of the time until it comes exploding out as a complete loss of control.
I now understand and embrace the terrible cliche "at least her struggle is over". It's still a weak salve against this pain. But I see that phrase with a lot more clarity and less cynicism.
Please, if you're in that place of despair..... if you're trying to quit and you can't..... if you know your inner self wants to be free - have the courage to ask for help. Give it absolutely everything you've got.
Life is a beautiful gift and despite what this f***ed up system we've created would have you think - you can be free of the horror and despair of addiction and you can be joyous and grateful and free.
Please say a little prayer or offering of peace for the soul of my sister. And please...... embrace sobriety.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 732
I'm so terribly sorry, you must be devastated. I don't know if this will make you feel any easier, but my heart stopped and my daughter was there so I was resuscitated. I haven't shared this with anyone but I remember it clearly to the point where my eyes must have closed, it was very easy and painless and I wasn't scared at all. I hope you don't mind me saying that xx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 546
So sorry, FreeOwl.
Been there. Twice in fact. Once with a 30-year-old brother-in-law, then about 15 years later with a "bff" way before that acronym had been invented (people thought we were lovers back (way back) in the day).
Actually, in their cases, there could be no mislabeling of their deaths as accidental, but, as with your sister, these guys killed themselves with ethanol, and with their refusal to otherwise address the mental issues that darkened, and eventually extinguished, their vision.
It is such early days for you, FreeOwl, you are no doubt still reeling. Yes, the pain and powerlessness are raw and real to the survivors, and inevitably the sense of guilt, even though, as you say, you could not have saved her.
Each of us is different, but I suspect it is universal that the rawness of the loss recedes as life, indeed, does go on. The mourning never ends. Perhaps that is sad in a sense but the flip side is the good news that it is just as true that your love for her will not die.
How will you cope? You will find the ways. Be strong. And be vulnerable -- a sign of true strength.
Been there. Twice in fact. Once with a 30-year-old brother-in-law, then about 15 years later with a "bff" way before that acronym had been invented (people thought we were lovers back (way back) in the day).
Actually, in their cases, there could be no mislabeling of their deaths as accidental, but, as with your sister, these guys killed themselves with ethanol, and with their refusal to otherwise address the mental issues that darkened, and eventually extinguished, their vision.
It is such early days for you, FreeOwl, you are no doubt still reeling. Yes, the pain and powerlessness are raw and real to the survivors, and inevitably the sense of guilt, even though, as you say, you could not have saved her.
Each of us is different, but I suspect it is universal that the rawness of the loss recedes as life, indeed, does go on. The mourning never ends. Perhaps that is sad in a sense but the flip side is the good news that it is just as true that your love for her will not die.
How will you cope? You will find the ways. Be strong. And be vulnerable -- a sign of true strength.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by daisy1 
I'm so terribly sorry, you must be devastated. I don't know if this will make you feel any easier, but my heart stopped and my daughter was there so I was resuscitated. I haven't shared this with anyone but I remember it clearly to the point where my eyes must have closed, it was very easy and painless and I wasn't scared at all. I hope you don't mind me saying that xx
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