Aellyce

It sounds like the playlists help you process the experience, the question is whether that is useful in any way. Many people like to use forms of art to express their feelings, either to themselves or others. I used to do the music thing as well - not making playlists, just selecting specific songs that were meaningful to me in a moment and making archives from them. I even had one of those here on SR on my former account. It was usually mostly for my own processing and archives, but sometimes I shared them with people. I no longer have inspirations to express myself that way and much prefer my own words (guess I would like my own music if I were a composer), but it was nice and meaningful in the past. It is not necessarily childish, IMO. I think teenagers do this mostly because they are usually very into the music of their time and because their own minds and expressions are not yet developed enough to express themselves in a similar way, but art is not childish. And you clearly express yourself in your own words beautifully as well.

Maybe remove them from your computer, just store on external drives, and put them away in a box somewhere deep in your home where you don't look often? Much like the old-fashioned way people used to keep love letters. You might actually appreciate having them in a far future, when this all is really gone from your mind and have become a distant memory, if you are in the mood for some nostalgia and reflection. Might be a good way for you to see how far you have come then, and see the significance of this experience in the larger picture of your life and evolution. But if the records trigger you too much in the present, then I would agree getting rid of them is the the best - much like addicts in recovery don't keep empty bottles or other drug paraphernalia as souvenirs

Meraviglioso

Your insights are so helpful and I thank you again. I know I should move this to a psychology based forum but it really is a sobriety issue for me. It is one of the last things that really triggers me to drink, or want to drink, or drink, whatever the appropriate wording is these days.... So I post here.

I did make a small bit of progress with the music, deleting them from my phone where I would listen to the playlists while walking, or gardening, or falling asleep. That was done with the help of a therapist. I cancelled them in her office. But I backtracked and quickly put them back on my phone.

It is madness, this infantile obsession. What is wrong with me? Why can I not get past this?

I did save various letters I wrote to him (both those sent and those burned) on a hard drive and do not look at them. I always typed my words out and then handwrite the words to give him, or not give him, it seemed much more meaningful that way. I don't look at those letters. When I feel the need to write I do so, save it on a hard drive and then burn the handwritten letter.

But the music I simply cannot let go. I remember a time we spoke of our shared love for Leonard Cohen. Many songs. But of course "Hallelujah" came up and I said I preferred the Jeff Buckley version. This is getting boring and tedious I know, just let me get it out here in writing please, be kind to me and let me have this. I told him I liked listening to songs with no external stimuli, so lying on the cold floor, lights off, nothing to distract me from the music. He was curious so we turned off the lights in his office and I put on the song and we listened, sometimes softly singing. He reached out for my hands and we just listened.

When he fired me I sent him this song, and while it is not entirely appropriate because we never, ever crossed a physical boundary, the rest remains "So why did you fill my sorrow with the words you borrowed, from the only place you've known? Why'd you sing Hallelujah, if it mean nothing to you? Why's you sing with me at all?

daisy1

Do you think he loved you? I'm suspecting you do because I would myself have a hard time thinking about anyone that didn't love me back, in fact it's much easier when you know they don't love you, for me anyway. Could you make contact with him to finally get some closure for yourself? Or would that be a high risk to your sobriety?

Meraviglioso

I really don't know anymore. He did tell me "ti voglio bene" which is a way of saying "I love you" in a non romantic way. For example we use "ti voglio bene" between family members, children and parents, or close friends. "Ti amo" is used exclusively for romantic partners. I would tell my boyfriend this but not my children or a friend. He never used the phrase "ti amo" but he very often said "ti voglio bene" which, no other therapist in Italy has ever said to me.

I would like to talk to him to seek closure but he has made clear that is not an option. I also abused that right by messaging him incessantly in the months after her fired me.

I just need to move on. Nut it is hard, I lost my bet friend, my first true love and my psychologist in one single moment. It is a lot to get past but I will do it.

Meraviglioso

Anyway, I am done with work today, cleaned my house, eaten. It is very early but I am just going to go to bed, my only defence against drinking. Yes, we are on lockdown, but I could go out "to shop for food" and pick up some random food items to cover myself if stopped by the police, but also some wine too. I don't want to do that, so bed, reading, music it is.

this is the last song I included on my recent "recovery" playlist. It might be helpful for anyone trying to get over anything. And with this I will stop, I know I am boring, I am boring myself!

sugarbear1

neuroplasticity

if you keep stuck in the past, you won't have to take responsibility for the future.

it's a brain game. the brain doesn't like to change.

Anna

Mera, I truly hope that you can find some peace. Be kind to yourself as you work through this.

fini

hi Mera, what really caught my eyes is this"It is one of the last things that really triggers me to drink, or want to drink, or drink, whatever the appropriate wording is these days.... "
and it has me wondering if that is why you hang onto it.

daisy1

My daughter has a singing voice just like Fiona Apple :-)

fini

i have had several obsessions in my life . with totally unsuitable people. of course! i expect any “suitable” person is one i would get to really know, instead of illusion and fantasy, and so there would be no obsession.
and i know the hanging on and the pain.
another thing i know is that “closure” is an inside job. it requires nothing from the object of obsession. in fact, any interaction, under guise of purpose of closure or not, just feeds the opposite.

object of my obsession. yes, i used the term OMO as abbreviation when speaking with a couple of select friends about it. hm. haven’t thought of that in years. it IS objectifying. sometimes i thought i was condemned to being obsessive and just hanging the obsession from one object onto another.

it’s not so. my last one was early sobriety. it never occurred to me, years ago, that drinking and being obsessive in other areas might go together.

you can come out the other side, Mera.
and i know it’s easier said than done, but you CAN choose what to feed.

DontRemember

I mean no offense by this but, don't you have a boyfriend?

Meraviglioso

No offense taken. I do. He knows about my therapist and how I felt and how it still sometimes bothers me. Hi father was a psychologist as was his ex wife, so he basically chalked it up to transference and it doesn't really bother him. But I also try to avoid sharing all the gory details with him.

Meraviglioso

I think you are spot one with this. And actually it is something I have gotten immensely better at over the past six months or so.
I used to be the most emotionally immature person. I pointed my finger in every direction except back at me. I blamed anything and anyone for all of my problems- I drink because of this, I am depressed because of this, I am anxious because of this. Although I had some level of self-awareness, I wasn't really willing to accept it.

When I attempted suicide, something in my brain changed. I do not know if it was reaching the very low depth of doing something so drastic and I just snapped out of it. Or, if all of the pills did something to my brain. I was hallucinating, I had fallen several times while trying to get help and hit my head. During my first few days in the hospital I could speak English normally and a fluent level and steady pace. I could barely speak Italian. I forgot most words and what I could remember was incredibly difficult- like physically- to get out. Each word dragged out of my mouth, slowly, at a low tone. Very strange. Did something happen in my brain? Or it could be that now the I am not on medication (after over 20 years of being medicated, often too heavily) I can now see things in a different light.

I have started taking responsibility for my action and for what has brought me to where I am now. I no longer rage against my ex and how he is taking the kids from me, I see clearly, this is happening because of my actions, my drinking. I have moved past a lot of old hurts and things that happened that actually were not my fault in any way, just things that happen to people sometimes, but I had been hanging onto them. I am free from those now.

But this is my last big hurdle and I am really working on it and getting better but it is taking more time than anything else. It comes in waves. For example I feel much better today and think that today I will be free of obsessive thoughts. The past few days were bad.

This is going to be a mix of me accepting responsibility for my part- I knew it was happening, knew it was wrong and let it continue. But also forgiving or just letting go his part in it. He was the professional, the one being paid to help me and he did not do his part to keep boundaries, not feed my attraction and to not stop sooner and in a more professional way. I need to not blame him, but accept he made mistakes too and somehow let go of that hurt. It's bound to happen, I am working really hard, so I have to be hopeful that I can do it.

Meraviglioso

I see where you are coming from, but if it were only that it made me want to drink I would have let go a long time ago. It's been three years and I am so tired and annoyed by this, I truly am. I hate it when I get into these fits of obsession.

daisy1

My mum says 'I know it hurts to think about it, but if you don't think about it it won't go away'. I reckon you are on the way to healing from this xx

daisy1

But ruminating isn't so good xx

MythOfSisyphus

I feel for you, Mera! I'm a person that sometimes obsesses over exes and have a hard time letting go. As a male in the kind of society we have in the US I make a big show of being just fine and never let anyone know that I hurt. It's 2020 so maybe we should be past that but it's hard. It's not that I pine 24/7 or anything, just have trouble 100% letting go.

fini

how are things with you today, Mera?
yeah, i hated those fits of obsession, too. i felt like a victim of them. but kept feeding them. guess that’s one of the hallmarks?

Steely

I had a therapist who led me up the garden path. Confused me.

A narcissist.

Can't bear the thought of him now.

Meraviglioso

I'm much better, thank you for asking. The pattern is pretty clear now, this just pops up- seemingly out of nowhere- and I have a few bad days where I am just the most annoying, morose person ever, then it passes. I've stopped listening to the music, am not thinking about him or the situation and have not had any dreams about him. I'd like to be smart enough to figure out if there is some sort of trigger that sets off these fits, but I haven't been able to find any clear connection. It just comes, then goes. But it is definitely a lot better than it was. Before it was constant pain and rumination. These periodic fits are not ideal, but at least I am not suffering every single day and it does feel like progress.
I guess what had hurt and confused me the most is he is the first man who knew every single thing about me, all the good and all the bad and yet still made me feel loved and accepted. And yes, I know that is what a good therapist does. But I mean he really made me feel loved. And to have someone as smart and witty and funny as he was compliment me made me feel sky high. The compliments crossed the line from what a good therapist, paid for his services should say to what a friend or lover would say, that is what was so confusing.
Such is life... and life does indeed go on.