Gabe1980

I think that's it Dee. I have been thinking a lot about what I can control and what I have to let go. There is a lot to let go just now but being able to do that has a trans-formative effect in my anxiety and mental health in general. Been up and down but I think it will get easier.

Being hopeful keeps the energy positive

venuscat

I feel calmer today and much more internally quiet, if that makes sense.
Feeling my body and all of me move into a new reality, and my gut tells me I can find peace here.

I spent half of my early life in the country quiet for weeks in summer and many weekends through the year....I am feeling myself pulled back into the times where I (and all of us) created all of our own experiences by visiting nature and seeing the beauty.

And the sweet things, like waving at a stranger walking in the distance....so still that you can call out hello and be heard. s xx

Gabe1980

Hey Mags. They used to bother me too. A lot of the recovery stuff did but it's stuff to live life by and it's taken me a while to realise that.

I was never any good living in the present. Mind all over the place, fulled with worries about the future and trying to control everything. Meditation has been massive and slowly, over time, my focus changed to doing what I could to calm all that anxiety down and do things that help me stay in the moment.

I think that's why this is such a triggering situation for so many people, isn't it? I rely on swimming and other small routines that I can't do now. Drinking would definitely be a risk now if I wasn't taking Antabuse - my whole environment can be a big trigger but there are also blessings too, and I am grateful. Just being very committed to my well being and cautious about NOT drinking. Nothing could make this worse for me and my family than drinking right now......

Gabe1980

Thanks Lines! It these kind of things that make me realise I am actually a half decent person these days I care about the impact I have on others. It's frightening to think of those days when I didn't but I'm in the process of forgiving myself for that

Gabe1980

Aw that's great to hear Wisc. I found that part of things really really hard. Opening up to people......almost impossible for a long time, especially about my drinking. I went to a counsellor ten years ago and acknowledged to her that it was a problem but that was all I could say.....it just felt like such a monumental, personal failing.

I am so glad it doesn't feel that way now. We are just a bunch of folks with a particular problem. We are humans who need help and support to overcome this and stay well. It's a much better place to be

Gabe1980

Yeah, me too Suze. It's definitely a calmer day. I am glad you are feeling better and a bit more peaceful. Anxiety that at that level is just exhausting and sucks out the joy of everything.

I am back in the countryside......in my early childhood home. Being able to walk outside and connect with nature is keeping me sane, though the weather has been rubbish today. We are getting some nicer, milder spring days through. At least this isn't happening in the dead of winter.

It's interesting being around my folks so much too......my Dad can be really grumpy, negative and critical. Everything is a 'you should' and he doing a lot of swearing at 'f***ing idiots' on the TV and in the papers. It can be intense and brings me down......but then he has these really sweet moments too...

I am partially deaf and have a sensory disorder....I have been trying to figure out who to change my work environment, as it is too overwhelming now and leaves me stressed and exhausted...he went on line and researched different audio technology that might help and how to use it....

He then went on to tell me exactly what to say to my boss, when I go back to work, but still!! It was a lovely thing..... xxx

venuscat

Awwww.....gosh, he sounds like my dad. Except my dad was a bit before the go on line part.

My dad was a Londoner who signed up for the UK Air Force the second he could in WW2, was a navigator in a tailgunner that made 28 successful runs, got on a boat to see Australia before moving to Israel to help build a kibbutz, met my mum on the boat, married her 6 months later and fought harder than anyone I have ever known to give his family the best possible life.

And he had stacks of booze given to him at work and such, and when I started drinking he hid it all....all over....upstairs in his wardrobe and in mum's and in the garage....under heavy tools....

I found it all. Drank everything I could get my hands on.
And before you mentioned this today, I honestly never thought I would ever, ever laugh about this.

Love you to pieces dear Gabe. s xx

Gabe1980

Aw hun, your folks sound like incredible and strong people.....maybe it's an English thing too? My dad is from Manchester, grew up in real poverty and worked hard to make something of himself. He has given us so many opportunities he never had......

I think when you have lived these kind of lives then it's hard to let go of control and to let people just be. It's an instinct to try and fix....he struggles with it and so do we....but he has the biggest heart.

I'm so glad you could have a bit of a laugh about it!! I remember drinking a bottle of my dad's red wine....thought it was just the usual plonk but it turned out to be a really expensive gift....my dad phoned in a total rage and I blamed in on my sister!! I had forgotten that and must remember to apologise for it......mind you, she blamed plenty of things on me too!

Love you too Suze xxxx

venuscat

Oh Gabe.....how cheeky of you. So funny. s xx ❤️

Kris47

It's really nice to catch glimpses of you all. We actually have more in common than just our drinking. My mother had several breakdowns and my maternal grandmother was a nightmare. Not a nice person. I see so many people when they get old get like that. Some stay so kind. My grandmother was never a nice woman and my mother grew up without any self esteem at all. My father was as strict as they come and worked 6 days for 38 years without a day off to feed and clothe us siblings. They had an unhappy marriage and I arrived 10 years after the next youngest. I knew what that made me. I was unsettled early on. I rebelled at how my granmother treated us and thus began my testing the waters of "substances." I was brought up Catholic and thought seriously about becoming a nun. Things change! I always had faith but my faith was severely tested and these past several years I have found a true religion; kindness and a bible based church. God has saved me so many times from myself. Today I know what keeps me sober. That and the Principles of life. The only thing that I have to remember today is how good sobriety really is. Finding sobriety has been the best thing in my life.

Do I still struggle, absolutely. But I do have a peace now. My mantra is Think Positive- Draw Positive. No matter what. I deal with some physical ailments but they actually help me to come close to God. Maybe someday He'll take them away. Faith is that mustard seed that continues to grow when watered.

As a side note: My parents didn't drink. Can't blame that on anyone.
My father did smoke and I would steal his cigarettes and throw the butts out the upstairs window. When the snow's melted boy was I in trouble!

venuscat

How beautiful to see where you sprouted from darling Kris.

Gabe1980

Thanks so much for sharing Kris, I really enjoyed reading your post.

I had an interesting conversation with my Mum yesterday. She really loves us all but can't talk about things that are difficult and I remember her being emotionally quite distant at times, mainly depressed I think......her dad was an alcoholic and she told me there weren't allowed to talk about it, even with each other.....she felt afraid all the time that he would die or set the house on fire.....she was the oldest of four and felt responsible for her siblings.....one time he left my Mum and her younger brother on a train, he got off to go to a bar and the train left with them on it.....

I grew up feeling like I could never talk about my feelings, never share mistakes I had made because that would make me a bad person.....I was so afraid of admitting any weakness because it felt judged....I completed rejected my own humanity and only accepted the parts I could control and make perfect.....all this stuff gets passed on if its not healed....I feel so much compassion for her, that must have been so hard.

I was laughing about the cigarettes I am now staying in a room I was in as a teenager....I went to close the curtains the other night and remembered doing just that....smoking cirgarettes and throwing the butts out the window, them pretending to stroll in the garden the next day and pick them up!!

I suppose I'm thinking just now that there is no black or white, or just one way of looking at things. It's a mix of everything

Gabe1980

I've not been feeling great the last couple of days, just totally exhausted and headachy. I'm planning a good bit of self-care this weekend. Sometime resting and coming to terms with all this change in my life. Plans are;

- Hanging out on SR a bit.
- Getting out for a walk.
- Having a bath.
- Starting Harry Potter ( I think I am the only one who has never read/seen any of them!)
- Yoga
- Starting intermittent fasting again. It works really well for me and pulls me back from unhealthy eating habits. I am doing the 8 - 16.
- Trying to get back into comedy. Everything I am watching is too dark just now.

Any other tips would be hugely appreciated. Hope you are all doing some little things in the day to help you feel okay xxx

venuscat

I will find some good shows for you love.

And I highly recommend Marian Keyes....her books are the funniest books I have ever read....and Janet Evanovich. OMG....if you have not read her original series you will love them....the chic in the books....Italian PI in New Jersey is hysterical. Real laugh out loud authors....both of them.

Now.....I have a question for you girls.....you AND Kris....
Why were you throwing the butts out the window? No little jar to pop them in? Kris.....no revolving ashtray to hide them in? Kidding....just funny memories. I had a little ashtray and I would hide it in my draw. Hmm.

Gabe1980

Thanks very much for the tips Suze, I'll check them out and let you know how I get on 💓

To answer your question.....my mum has a nose like a bloodhound and HATED smoking. It was banned in our house. I would have been in sooo much trouble and she would have smelled an ashtay three rooms away!!!! 😂

venuscat

Oh yeah, I got caught. What is it with Scottish mums? s xx

Gabe1980

Definitely Suze, Scottish Mum's can spot wrong-doing at 500 paces. I believe it's a special super power!! xxx

Gabe1980

Well......I'm not sure how everyone else is doing but I am a bit all over the place. I feel fine something and think that I am coping really well....then sometimes I feel in a state of panic. I think that is pretty normal considering the circumstances but it doesn't help when I am freaking out!

I miss my husband already and we've only been apart for a week. It could potentially be six months, so I am trying really hard to be positive on the phone, talk about things that we can do when this is over, but I am worried about him. He's alone and if he gets sick there is nobody there to look after him (I am also secretly worried he'll get used to being on his own and not want me back.....but that's a secret!).

I think this may weirdly do me some good through.....I have always felt like there is no time or space to just get to grips with how I feel. I've felt like that for years. Permanently exhausted and fighting this rising panic about not being good enough, not being able to keep things together and not being able to cope. It's always been there.......and I do cope......but I feel like I am a house of cards that's going to fall down......all of a sudden everything has stopped and maybe, just maybe, I can have the space to figure things out.

I don't know how much of that will resonate but if it does, I would love to know your thoughts. Gabe

Dee74

I think a lot of people are having ups and downs getting used to the new way of life Gabe.

I am sure your husband will be fine - and he will be missing you too

and, God Forbid, but if he gets sick he can call his Dr or the NHS for help and advice.

D

venuscat

First of all, I am very sure your husband won't get used to being without you and like it....not one bit. I am sure he misses you as much as you miss him. s xx

I think it is good to have this time to sort out some 'you stuff' love. Time to relax a bit and get some sleep and look after you. It's hard not to panic right now.....the whole world is feeling this. I know I have to 'right' myself every morning....I feel so uncomfortable right now, if that makes sense.

You are a wonderful person dearest Gabe.....and that voice in your head telling you you aren't good enough is wrong. Big time. s xx ❤️