Estranged Parents during Recovery
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Boulder, CO
Posts: 419
Estranged Parents during Recovery
Hey guys,
I've been battling lately with some strong emotions over dealing with an estranged parent who has been very verbally abusive in the past. I have had a very hot and cold and relationship with my mother my entire life. Lately it seems like we're in an amiable time in our relationship . I've decided to keep my distance at this point. I do have some shame over this but with her track record of being nice and then at no moment's notice coming unhinged and ripping into me verbally.
She was out of my life for a little over a year after she went into one of her tirades around Christmas. She texted me on my birthday wishing me a Happy Birthday which was nice but since then i'm really gun shy about letting her back into my life. It's a pattern we make up and then sometime down the line she explodes. Not this time. She has been calling the last couple of days and yesterday sent me a text and it all it said "Coming Out". I live in Colorado and she lives in Florida. Good grief. Anyway, she called again today and i sent her a nice text explaining that i don't think she should be flying for her own safety and that i didn't think it was a good time for me either. I said that i'd like to talk at some point and left it at that. Would like to hear other peoples experience. I do have some shame but i have to have my HP to relieve that. I know that i have to protect myself and my sobriety whatever it takes. Thanks and I hope everyone has a safe and happy Day!
Garrison
I've been battling lately with some strong emotions over dealing with an estranged parent who has been very verbally abusive in the past. I have had a very hot and cold and relationship with my mother my entire life. Lately it seems like we're in an amiable time in our relationship . I've decided to keep my distance at this point. I do have some shame over this but with her track record of being nice and then at no moment's notice coming unhinged and ripping into me verbally.
She was out of my life for a little over a year after she went into one of her tirades around Christmas. She texted me on my birthday wishing me a Happy Birthday which was nice but since then i'm really gun shy about letting her back into my life. It's a pattern we make up and then sometime down the line she explodes. Not this time. She has been calling the last couple of days and yesterday sent me a text and it all it said "Coming Out". I live in Colorado and she lives in Florida. Good grief. Anyway, she called again today and i sent her a nice text explaining that i don't think she should be flying for her own safety and that i didn't think it was a good time for me either. I said that i'd like to talk at some point and left it at that. Would like to hear other peoples experience. I do have some shame but i have to have my HP to relieve that. I know that i have to protect myself and my sobriety whatever it takes. Thanks and I hope everyone has a safe and happy Day!
Garrison
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I was pretty much estranged from my mother for the last 7 years of her life. It was really one-sided as she was the one maneuvering to keep me at a distance. She was an alcoholic in denial and I called her out one day. I was not allowed over to my parents house. Still haven't seen the house they bought 5 years ago after selling the house I grew up in. She died in 2017, no funeral even. Just got a phone call. Still can't figure out what my mom's problem was other than she couldn't come to terms with her alcoholism.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
I had a very similar experience with my mother. I would get drawn in, relax a bit, and then be hit with horrible abuse. It really messed with my mind. I made a decision to distance myself and limit contact by phone, and I felt so much better. The thing is, Garrison, your mother knows what she's doing and she knows she's hurting you. I don't expect that will stop. The only thing you can change is yourself. Make a boundary and stick with it. And, you're absolutely right that it's really risky to fly right now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,592
I'm trying to learn these lessons too comtnman.
If I were faced with this one I stick to your guns. It's not a good idea for her to fly, and it's not a good idea for you at the moment. No need to feel guilty over a bad idea. Stick to your guns.
If I were faced with this one I stick to your guns. It's not a good idea for her to fly, and it's not a good idea for you at the moment. No need to feel guilty over a bad idea. Stick to your guns.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Boulder, CO
Posts: 419
Yep thats what i plan on doing. I wrote her and told her but then i get a text back saying that her and my stepfather are going to drive out...lol..good grief. This bothers me on so many levels. One that she just totally disregarded me saying that it's not a good time for "me", two for their own safety and thirdly they've never visited in the close to 15 years i've been out here and i'm sick of her false promises. Aye corumba! Hope everyone is having a great Tuesday!
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
My relationship with my mom was getting better when she passed. She passed on my 5 year anniversary. I will say that for me, there has been no real closure. She raised the boys, gave up her first born to adoption, and had a hard time seeing her second daughter (always wondering about the little girl she had to give up). Moms can be ill like us. They did the best they could, even if they fell short in our eyes.
I miss my mom, that narcissitic ol' gal!
I miss my mom, that narcissitic ol' gal!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Originally Posted by comtnman740 
Yep thats what i plan on doing. I wrote her and told her but then i get a text back saying that her and my stepfather are going to drive out...lol..good grief. This bothers me on so many levels. One that she just totally disregarded me saying that it's not a good time for "me", two for their own safety and thirdly they've never visited in the close to 15 years i've been out here and i'm sick of her false promises. Aye corumba! Hope everyone is having a great Tuesday!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: S.E. MI
Posts: 1,025
its not a good time for anyone to be traveling from region to region. Theres a little thing called coronavirus that we are trying to stop the spread of. Going across multi states is vast spread. Shame on her. Stick to your guns and at least tell her to wait till its safer. Exactly what we are not supposed to be doing. Sorry but it irks me when I see and hear of folks frivolously going about their business while we are supposed to be hunkering down. Not going on a cross country trip.
I have not talked to my mom in years either for various reasons. I took her number off my phone so cant call her if I wanted. Plus she moved to Florida and I dont have an address or anything. I just have to wait for her to call me and hopefully catch and answer the call because I dont have my phone on me most times and when I do I rarely answer it if I dont know the number.
I have not talked to my mom in years either for various reasons. I took her number off my phone so cant call her if I wanted. Plus she moved to Florida and I dont have an address or anything. I just have to wait for her to call me and hopefully catch and answer the call because I dont have my phone on me most times and when I do I rarely answer it if I dont know the number.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
Yikes. Family.
I’ve finally gotten to a place where I can accept that my relationship with the folks will never be what I would wish. I limit my contact, but I do call once a month. I keep that limit, as old habits and patterns of behavior are hard to break. I wish I could remain calm and serene through the manipulation, but I get angry and I don’t like that in myself.
Mine have finally aged out of the drive, so I don’t think there will be more visits. They do occasionally suggest they might, but if they insisted I would have to say no and stick to it. It rattles me too much, and I’m sober because I’ve found some peace.
That boundary would cause WWIII, so I don’t envy your choice. It really boils down to the consequences it will have for you. You have the right to be selfish, especially when the relationship comes at a price and ulterior motives or cruelty come with contact.
-bora
I’ve finally gotten to a place where I can accept that my relationship with the folks will never be what I would wish. I limit my contact, but I do call once a month. I keep that limit, as old habits and patterns of behavior are hard to break. I wish I could remain calm and serene through the manipulation, but I get angry and I don’t like that in myself.
Mine have finally aged out of the drive, so I don’t think there will be more visits. They do occasionally suggest they might, but if they insisted I would have to say no and stick to it. It rattles me too much, and I’m sober because I’ve found some peace.
That boundary would cause WWIII, so I don’t envy your choice. It really boils down to the consequences it will have for you. You have the right to be selfish, especially when the relationship comes at a price and ulterior motives or cruelty come with contact.
-bora
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Boulder, CO
Posts: 419
Thanks everyone for their insight!
Boreas - My anger goes from 3 to 10 whenever i hear from her lately. She just texted me how was i was doing? I want to tell her i need some space but i know with everything going on in the world she just wants to know i'm ok. I feel like i opened pandora's box because i know what she's capable of. I feel like she thinks it's ok to just get back into full on contact after not speaking for over a year. I don't think so..that's not how things are going to go down. I do feel some shame over feeling this way.
Thanks for listening!
Boreas - My anger goes from 3 to 10 whenever i hear from her lately. She just texted me how was i was doing? I want to tell her i need some space but i know with everything going on in the world she just wants to know i'm ok. I feel like i opened pandora's box because i know what she's capable of. I feel like she thinks it's ok to just get back into full on contact after not speaking for over a year. I don't think so..that's not how things are going to go down. I do feel some shame over feeling this way.
Thanks for listening!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
I totally get the shame. I often think, “I should be a bigger/better person, take it more in stride, forgive/forget” etc.
Then I get on the phone and usually within minutes I’m enraged and frustrated. Then I need the rest of the month to get over it and be ready to call again.
I really despise this over-the-top reaction in myself, but I can’t seem to manage it except for limiting contact. I was relieved when I learned what “gaslighting” means...it’s a common enough phenomenon that there’s a word for it. All the years of me being the only one out of parents and addict sibling that remembers what went down made me feel quite crazy. Not helped by close friends who met them briefly and said, “But they’re so nice...”
They are nice I suppose. They’re not bad people. In my charitable moments I try to remember that they are doing the best they can with what they have. They have no desire to learn, improve, or discontinue the negative and codependent behavior. They think nothing of laying on the hurt and guilt. So I keep it very superficial and don’t even try for more. They don’t care about my life, about their fine grandson, really about much of anything outside of their own world. But the consequence of that is I will no longer put myself out there like a dancing bear in an attempt to get their attention.
I hope I’ve not hijacked your thread with too much blabbering. My main point is that I can accept the damage, and make peace with the fact that it will never be resolved. And I don’t need resolution of that mess to be sober and content. After years of drinking at it, I now know that it just “is what it is”.
-bora
Then I get on the phone and usually within minutes I’m enraged and frustrated. Then I need the rest of the month to get over it and be ready to call again.
I really despise this over-the-top reaction in myself, but I can’t seem to manage it except for limiting contact. I was relieved when I learned what “gaslighting” means...it’s a common enough phenomenon that there’s a word for it. All the years of me being the only one out of parents and addict sibling that remembers what went down made me feel quite crazy. Not helped by close friends who met them briefly and said, “But they’re so nice...”
They are nice I suppose. They’re not bad people. In my charitable moments I try to remember that they are doing the best they can with what they have. They have no desire to learn, improve, or discontinue the negative and codependent behavior. They think nothing of laying on the hurt and guilt. So I keep it very superficial and don’t even try for more. They don’t care about my life, about their fine grandson, really about much of anything outside of their own world. But the consequence of that is I will no longer put myself out there like a dancing bear in an attempt to get their attention.
I hope I’ve not hijacked your thread with too much blabbering. My main point is that I can accept the damage, and make peace with the fact that it will never be resolved. And I don’t need resolution of that mess to be sober and content. After years of drinking at it, I now know that it just “is what it is”.
-bora
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
