Feeling the fear...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: Cornwall
Posts: 60
Feeling the fear...
Hi,
It's been a while since I posted on here partly because I have had my regular AA meetings but probably more due to lethargy and a lack if inspiration.
Having said all that, I have found my AA meetings increasingly hard to attend. I get so much from listening to the people in the rooms, the hopes, the fears, the victories and the defeats, but I really struggle to share how I am feeling, to actually open my mouth and say something, anything.
I have been sober nearly 16 months and do service at 2 meetings. One meeting I am the Literature person and help set the meeting up and the second meeting I have recently taken up the GSR position.
That first meeting I have a real problem with sharing and I don't know why. I know and trust everyone there and can chat with each of them with no problem but when the meeting starts I just freeze. I can't think of anything to say.
Today was a perfect example, it was probably the last face to face meeting that will happen because of the Coronavirus situation and everyone was sharing their hopes and fears, I had a perfect opportunity to share what I was feeling as one of the others shared that she felt exactly the same way. But I couldn't. I was on the verge of a panic attack every time I thought about opening my mouth, to the point where I was grateful when someone else spoke. After the meeting everyone was talking together about transferring the meeting onto Skype or Zoom and I felt like I didn't belong. I felt wretched. If I can't share in a face to face meeting where I know and trust everyone how can I even think about doing a meeting online?
My next meeting on Thursday may be the last face to face meeting I have for a while and although I have felt more able to share at that one I don't know if I could participate in an online version.
The worst thing is that the whole self isolation business is going to take me back to a place I was 3 1/2 years ago when I had my rock bottom. I had no friends, no phone and no internet for the first 3 months and when I finally got a phone and the internet I threw myself into making friends online. I lived my life online. Dating sites random friends on places like Facebook... I really don't want to be there again, I don't know if I can get through it a second time. It took 2 years for me to get through that last time and find AA and make friends who cared about me and although I have no intention or desire to immerse myself in drink this time I don't know if I am mentally strong enough to cope....
Anyway, thank you to anyone that makes it through reading all that! Stay safe and take it one day at a time.
It's been a while since I posted on here partly because I have had my regular AA meetings but probably more due to lethargy and a lack if inspiration.
Having said all that, I have found my AA meetings increasingly hard to attend. I get so much from listening to the people in the rooms, the hopes, the fears, the victories and the defeats, but I really struggle to share how I am feeling, to actually open my mouth and say something, anything.
I have been sober nearly 16 months and do service at 2 meetings. One meeting I am the Literature person and help set the meeting up and the second meeting I have recently taken up the GSR position.
That first meeting I have a real problem with sharing and I don't know why. I know and trust everyone there and can chat with each of them with no problem but when the meeting starts I just freeze. I can't think of anything to say.
Today was a perfect example, it was probably the last face to face meeting that will happen because of the Coronavirus situation and everyone was sharing their hopes and fears, I had a perfect opportunity to share what I was feeling as one of the others shared that she felt exactly the same way. But I couldn't. I was on the verge of a panic attack every time I thought about opening my mouth, to the point where I was grateful when someone else spoke. After the meeting everyone was talking together about transferring the meeting onto Skype or Zoom and I felt like I didn't belong. I felt wretched. If I can't share in a face to face meeting where I know and trust everyone how can I even think about doing a meeting online?
My next meeting on Thursday may be the last face to face meeting I have for a while and although I have felt more able to share at that one I don't know if I could participate in an online version.
The worst thing is that the whole self isolation business is going to take me back to a place I was 3 1/2 years ago when I had my rock bottom. I had no friends, no phone and no internet for the first 3 months and when I finally got a phone and the internet I threw myself into making friends online. I lived my life online. Dating sites random friends on places like Facebook... I really don't want to be there again, I don't know if I can get through it a second time. It took 2 years for me to get through that last time and find AA and make friends who cared about me and although I have no intention or desire to immerse myself in drink this time I don't know if I am mentally strong enough to cope....
Anyway, thank you to anyone that makes it through reading all that! Stay safe and take it one day at a time.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Livingonwishes, staying inside and only going out when it's essential has been a hard adjustment for me, too. Please make use of SR and know that your SR family understands that this is a really difficult time. We're here for you, and we're all in this together.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I'm sorry for your fears. I think many feel the way you do. I can relate sort of. I fear connection and being around too many people. So often in recovery people recommend connection, that I somehow can't make it without connection. So I always feel like I'm some kind of weirdo because I'm the opposite of most. I can't make it WITH too much connection. I guess I'm saying I understand the fear part, but with an inverse challenge.
Can you take up a hobby like painting or needle work? So much stuff online for instruction and it really occupies the mind. And yoga. I think I've mentioned that one about 100 times in the last few days but it helps me a ton.
Anyway remember this won't be forever. Stay positive and try not to stress about the stuff ya can't control.
Can you take up a hobby like painting or needle work? So much stuff online for instruction and it really occupies the mind. And yoga. I think I've mentioned that one about 100 times in the last few days but it helps me a ton.
Anyway remember this won't be forever. Stay positive and try not to stress about the stuff ya can't control.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 1,132
I have a fear of talking in front of people. I have confidence in other areas of my life, it's just talking in front of a group of any size. I would still do the online meeting. How do you know what that is like until you try it?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,524
I had a friend who went to AA for years and didn't speak once! She turned out just fine. I know it's good to share, but it certainly didn't effect her sobriety.
Keep coming here Livingondreams. Keep posting and sharing on SR. We need each other. Don't be afraid. ❤️
Keep coming here Livingondreams. Keep posting and sharing on SR. We need each other. Don't be afraid. ❤️
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
When AA first got underway 80 odd years ago, there were no meetings.
It wasn't about hearing a share or giving one.
It was built on taking the 12 steps as outlined in the book.
If you have a copy that you've always been meaning to read, but never did get around to it (like soooo many AA folks do) now would be a most excellent time to crack it open and make a start.
Or if you don't have one, lots of free PDF files are available online. 👍
It wasn't about hearing a share or giving one.
It was built on taking the 12 steps as outlined in the book.
If you have a copy that you've always been meaning to read, but never did get around to it (like soooo many AA folks do) now would be a most excellent time to crack it open and make a start.
Or if you don't have one, lots of free PDF files are available online. 👍
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
Originally Posted by Anna 
Livingonwishes, staying inside and only going out when it's essential has been a hard adjustment for me, too. Please make use of SR and know that your SR family understands that this is a really difficult time. We're here for you, and we're all in this together.
very warm thoughts...thank you Anna
SR played a huge part in my recovery today too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,152
Early on, AA meetings were important to me. At times, I thought vital, but I'm not sure they were vital. It was more like I was scared to see what would happen to me if I didn't go to meetings. For the first couple of months, however, I did and still do think of those earliest meetings as vital. At 16 months, I could have done well on auto pilot, but I kept going because it was fun.
Keep us updated, and share some more with us. You are a good writer, easy to follow and easy to relate to. Not sure why speaking is different, but I did hear someplace that fear of public speaking came out near the top of one poll that asked about people's biggest fears, actually higher than fear of death.
The no meetings thing is a bummer, and you may have to concentrate on your sobriety, but if you don't want to drink, and with 16 months, you may be more ready for going it on your own than you think.
Keep in touch. While that may be your only option right now, it's a powerful one.
Keep us updated, and share some more with us. You are a good writer, easy to follow and easy to relate to. Not sure why speaking is different, but I did hear someplace that fear of public speaking came out near the top of one poll that asked about people's biggest fears, actually higher than fear of death.
The no meetings thing is a bummer, and you may have to concentrate on your sobriety, but if you don't want to drink, and with 16 months, you may be more ready for going it on your own than you think.
Keep in touch. While that may be your only option right now, it's a powerful one.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Omaha,NE
Posts: 372
Livingonwishes, thanks for sharing this. If I were to describe a person that has 16 months of sobriety, has two service commitments, and sincerely gets so much out of meetings, does that sound like someone who has something to contribute to meetings? To me, it sounds like a resounding yes.
Your next opportunity could simply be "Livingonwishes, alcoholic. Sharing is very hard for me so I am facing my fears. With that I will pass". You might get a laugh from tht room, but I guarantee most people will appreciate your willingness. I appreciate that you did share this on SR.
Your next opportunity could simply be "Livingonwishes, alcoholic. Sharing is very hard for me so I am facing my fears. With that I will pass". You might get a laugh from tht room, but I guarantee most people will appreciate your willingness. I appreciate that you did share this on SR.
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