What is wrong with me!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Originally Posted by James90 
I just wish things were different, I've forgotten what it's like to feel non artificial happiness. I could quite happily sit here and burst into tears in all honesty.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: DFW area, Texas
Posts: 521
I can empathize with you a lot. Between bad underlying anxiety / depression and a happy family life that turned badly about 23 years ago, alcohol became my escape. Of course that turned badly as it always does for alcoholics. You are among folks who get how this crappy thing called alcoholism works. I think you do care for yourself and your genuine happiness which you can have again as sobriety takes hold. Hang in there buddy! 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 20
Hey there,
Things will get better for you.
I really resonate with how you said that you drink because you don't like yourself and to be released from the pain. That is also why I drank for 15 years. It was my sweet release. But I think we all know it's like being trapped in hell... enslaved. We have no control of ourselves and this just makes us hate ourselves even more.
You aren't worse than anyone else, you just are still stuck there.
One thing I found fascinating about AA was that this was a group of people that simply were the PROOF ... the proof that there IS another way. You CAN come out on the other side of it. If they all did, I could too. Some people suffer much worse than others and still made it out. It seems like it should be obvious to a drinker that they have the option not to drink... but it's become too ingrained in us for us to see it.
I have been sober since July 2019. My last night drunk was a bad one. I went to bed at maybe 7am, had been out drinking at a bar with strangers, then went to a stranger's house. I had to be at work by 8 am (obviously that didn't happen) and I was drowning in despair. I do not know who or what decided my body was going to stand up and get in the car and go to the gas station, then an hour later back into the car to a different gas station down the street, then an hour later get back in the car to go to the bar. If I asked the person who laid in bed the next morning feeling total shame and despair, that person would be wondering how it happened, too. It is the alcohol somehow eerily controlling our behaviors, our choices, our outcomes. We're acting on these compulsions. It takes being guided by the higher goal, wanting yourself to be free from that enslavement.
I told myself HUNDREDS of times that I would stop drinking for little periods of time like 2 weeks and then when I would start again I was just as bad. As soon as I got one drink in, I was ready to be alcohol's little bitch.
I was ******* done with it. I had it with being a slave to alcohol. My body was getting destroyed by it. Not to mention, my mental health.
Drinking will appear to achieve the release you desperately need when you're sad/hopeless. You're trying to help yourself by drinking. But being drunk and then hung over all the time is not living life to the fullest.
The last 8 months have had some ****** times, it's NOT all sunshine and daisies. I don't get to run away and escape and dumb down my mind anymore. But it's so gratifying. I wake up every morning and my heart is beating like normal. I'm the normal amount of thirsty. I don't feel like I'm on a sailboat in the middle of the sea, brain sloshing all over the place. I eat like a normal person. (mostly lol)
It took a few months but then I realized oh, I'm alright, I do like myself!!! I enjoy doing actual THINGS, actual activities! There are things in life that are actually laid-back and relaxing or fun, exhilarating, activities and who would have ever known?!!? I used to think the only way you could have "real fun" was to get drunk. Now I know it's the opposite. Being drunk is hiding from life and you're literally missing out on life.
One of the first memories I have after quitting drinking was my sister's birthday. We went to this place that had an obstacle course, virtual reality, axe throwing, go kart racing, laser tag, arcade games. Man oh man!!! They sold beer there and I thought that sounded LAME, why would I want something to slow me down when I can do all these wonderful things?!?! (i did have an energy drink with probably a trillion calories don't judge me). I proved to myself that I could do that friggin' obstacle course. I felt like the child within me was finally let out. I felt like I was 10 years old, I was smiling a REAL smile. None of that artificial happiness I'd been having before. It was so awesome I felt like I had lived more that one day than I had in the whole previous 15 years.
I swear to god you can do it!
If you find yourself lying to people, it sounds like you care a lot what they think and want them to approve or be proud of you or at least not worry about you. Imagine if you could know you were telling the truth to them! You would be proud of yourself for that. "Do something today that you'll thank yourself for tomorrow." - that quote helped me a few times, just imagining myself the next day, how could i help that person be happier and better?
Ultimately it's only your decision what to do, but hopefully you can trust that SERIOUSLY, it does get better, I PROMISE! No matter how much you think you don't like yourself, you'll start to later. And then you'll be more honest with yourself, maybe get mad a lot. (I did). You might even have some rage that will come out of nowhere (surprise!) If you've been hiding behind drinking and suddenly you have no escape, you might get a little angry. That's totally normal, let it out for a while. Eventually the awkwardness will fade away, the anger will probably come and go, but you'll realize people do like you and you will slowly but surely get that contentment you so desperately sought.
You'll forgive yourself for everything because you'll be so thankful you decided alcohol was not the solution anymore, and to stop hiding from your life.
Use this desperation you feel- the thing that gets you onto this forum- the little voice inside of you begging for a way out, use it as fuel to keep going!!!
Since we had such low times, as drunks, we can appreciate the simple good life free from it so much.
And since this post is quite long.... I bid thee farewell! LOL
Things will get better for you.
I really resonate with how you said that you drink because you don't like yourself and to be released from the pain. That is also why I drank for 15 years. It was my sweet release. But I think we all know it's like being trapped in hell... enslaved. We have no control of ourselves and this just makes us hate ourselves even more.
You aren't worse than anyone else, you just are still stuck there.
One thing I found fascinating about AA was that this was a group of people that simply were the PROOF ... the proof that there IS another way. You CAN come out on the other side of it. If they all did, I could too. Some people suffer much worse than others and still made it out. It seems like it should be obvious to a drinker that they have the option not to drink... but it's become too ingrained in us for us to see it.
I have been sober since July 2019. My last night drunk was a bad one. I went to bed at maybe 7am, had been out drinking at a bar with strangers, then went to a stranger's house. I had to be at work by 8 am (obviously that didn't happen) and I was drowning in despair. I do not know who or what decided my body was going to stand up and get in the car and go to the gas station, then an hour later back into the car to a different gas station down the street, then an hour later get back in the car to go to the bar. If I asked the person who laid in bed the next morning feeling total shame and despair, that person would be wondering how it happened, too. It is the alcohol somehow eerily controlling our behaviors, our choices, our outcomes. We're acting on these compulsions. It takes being guided by the higher goal, wanting yourself to be free from that enslavement.
I told myself HUNDREDS of times that I would stop drinking for little periods of time like 2 weeks and then when I would start again I was just as bad. As soon as I got one drink in, I was ready to be alcohol's little bitch.
I was ******* done with it. I had it with being a slave to alcohol. My body was getting destroyed by it. Not to mention, my mental health.
Drinking will appear to achieve the release you desperately need when you're sad/hopeless. You're trying to help yourself by drinking. But being drunk and then hung over all the time is not living life to the fullest.
The last 8 months have had some ****** times, it's NOT all sunshine and daisies. I don't get to run away and escape and dumb down my mind anymore. But it's so gratifying. I wake up every morning and my heart is beating like normal. I'm the normal amount of thirsty. I don't feel like I'm on a sailboat in the middle of the sea, brain sloshing all over the place. I eat like a normal person. (mostly lol)
It took a few months but then I realized oh, I'm alright, I do like myself!!! I enjoy doing actual THINGS, actual activities! There are things in life that are actually laid-back and relaxing or fun, exhilarating, activities and who would have ever known?!!? I used to think the only way you could have "real fun" was to get drunk. Now I know it's the opposite. Being drunk is hiding from life and you're literally missing out on life.
One of the first memories I have after quitting drinking was my sister's birthday. We went to this place that had an obstacle course, virtual reality, axe throwing, go kart racing, laser tag, arcade games. Man oh man!!! They sold beer there and I thought that sounded LAME, why would I want something to slow me down when I can do all these wonderful things?!?! (i did have an energy drink with probably a trillion calories don't judge me). I proved to myself that I could do that friggin' obstacle course. I felt like the child within me was finally let out. I felt like I was 10 years old, I was smiling a REAL smile. None of that artificial happiness I'd been having before. It was so awesome I felt like I had lived more that one day than I had in the whole previous 15 years.
I swear to god you can do it!
If you find yourself lying to people, it sounds like you care a lot what they think and want them to approve or be proud of you or at least not worry about you. Imagine if you could know you were telling the truth to them! You would be proud of yourself for that. "Do something today that you'll thank yourself for tomorrow." - that quote helped me a few times, just imagining myself the next day, how could i help that person be happier and better?
Ultimately it's only your decision what to do, but hopefully you can trust that SERIOUSLY, it does get better, I PROMISE! No matter how much you think you don't like yourself, you'll start to later. And then you'll be more honest with yourself, maybe get mad a lot. (I did). You might even have some rage that will come out of nowhere (surprise!) If you've been hiding behind drinking and suddenly you have no escape, you might get a little angry. That's totally normal, let it out for a while. Eventually the awkwardness will fade away, the anger will probably come and go, but you'll realize people do like you and you will slowly but surely get that contentment you so desperately sought.
You'll forgive yourself for everything because you'll be so thankful you decided alcohol was not the solution anymore, and to stop hiding from your life.
Use this desperation you feel- the thing that gets you onto this forum- the little voice inside of you begging for a way out, use it as fuel to keep going!!!
Since we had such low times, as drunks, we can appreciate the simple good life free from it so much.
And since this post is quite long.... I bid thee farewell! LOL
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