BeckoningCat

Hi. I am 42 years old and realized I had a drinking problem in my late 30s. I did not, however, see it as enough of a problem to stop drinking or look for help. It was only in recent years after numerous social, emotional and financial consequences that I admitted it was a serious problem and started to talk to my therapist about it. Weirdly enough, sometimes I would go have a particularly heavy drinking episode right after therapy. I did that again yesterday.

I drink when I am stressed, anxious or nervous. I drink because I am sleep deprived, I drink because I feel like I'm coming down with a cold. I have all of these reasons or triggers for why I need a drink. Rather than drink on a daily basis, I'm more likely to binge drink once or twice a week. Sometimes more than that if it's a really bad time.

In the past month I went ten days without drinking before I decided to drink again. Despite any consequences I have faced in my social life, or emotionally, or even financially (it costs money to drink, and drunk me likes to spend even more money) what really started giving me concerns is the way I think and behave often when I am alone and drunk. It frightens me. I "live in the past" or in a fantasy world. It has been the strongest signal to me that yes, alcohol is a drug and maybe I should try harder to stop.

No matter how many plans I've made, any journal entries I've written, talks I've had with my therapist, or times I've been embarrassed or physically sick from a hangover nothing has kept me sober for longer than 30 days at a time in at least 7 years. The last 2 have been the most difficult. I have not been able to go without a drink for longer than 2 weeks in the past year.

So I want to try harder. I want help. That's why I am here. Thank you for reading.

Wastinglife

I am 43 and struggling just like you. I would also drink after therapy sessions. Kinda cancels out the therapy I just spent an hour getting....

Dee74

Welcome BeckoningCat

SR helped me turn my life around. The support here is outstanding
I know we can help you turn things around too

Post as much as you need to - read around - see whats working for others...find a way that makes sense to you

D

BeckoningCat

One time I could actually see a direct connection between my experience of therapy that day and why I ended up having the episode. There was no such connection yesterday, I thought I could have a few glasses of wine in town before started thinking about isolating myself from the coronavirus pandemic (which would be alcohol-free, none in the house with me). Like a treat.

Hours later I was still drinking, alone, at home. My therapist has really tried to help me, she gives me worksheets to take home and everything. At first I felt guilty, like I'm letting my therapist down when she's trying to help me, then I realized ...maybe I just need more help than she alone can give to me.

Interestingly, it's because of the coronavirus pandemic that I even found this website. I got an email from Tempest (I signed up for Dry January email newsletters, through which I made it about two weeks) with all of these on-line recovery resources.

I don't think therapy is ever wasted. But I can see what you mean. I wish you all the best with your own recovery.

BeckoningCat

Thank you very much for the warm welcome. I am glad that SR has helped you.

Hevyn

Great to meet you, BeckoningCat. You'll find encouragement here - from people who truly understand what you're going through. I had felt all alone until I found SR.

I went on for 30 yrs. with the same behavior you describe - and it was devastating. I wish I'd quit in my 40's the way you intend to. You won't suffer the awful consequences so many of us have thanks to untreated alcoholism. You can do it. Welcome!

BeckoningCat

Thank you so much, it's nice to meet you too. I'm glad to hear that you found SR and that you are doing better now. It gives me hope.

It took me several years to even start being honest about my drinking with a therapist and I am afraid if I don't try to do something about this right now that my drinking will get worse. I think even if it continues as it is right now it would be very dangerous and destructive the older I become, and could even shorten my life.

fini

welcome, BeckoningCat.
yes, your drinking will likely get worse and the consequences also.
so it’s great you are waking up to the severity of your problem and looking for a different way forward from what you have tried before.

i tried a gazillion times to quit and finally understanding and accepting that my drinking would never be different, that it would never be ‘normal’, that i could not moderate nor wanted to...that made me able to stop and look for the various supports and ways forward that have given me years of sobriety.
good to see you here.

least

Welcome to the family BC! You are smart to quit drinking when you're still young. You'll have fewer regrets in your later life if you get sober now.

I hope our support can help you get sober for good.

BeckoningCat

Thank you fini and least, I appreciate the welcome. This seems like a really supportive place, I've been on here for a while today since I'm all isolated up in my room after drinking yesterday and last night. I think the way I isolate myself is a big part of the problem.

Kjma

Welcome BC! As you can already tell, this site is populated by the most wonderful, supportive people. You mention the isolation you experience in your last post. I did the same thing, but the farther I get from drinking ( almost a month now), the more I think it was a symptom of drinking rather than a cause: I isolate because I drink and therefore feel depressed, rather than I drink because I feel isolated. The isolated lonely feeling, at least for me, has largely dissipated.

Keep reading and responding to posts. There is so much good information available from the been there, done that crowd here.

Lines

I found this site a month ago. Reading here has been helpful and since I've never been one for group support it's been an eye opener to see how people online can actually care and be supportive of others whom they dont know. It can also be a little addicting to get caught up in what's going on, so be warned. In a good way. Will help you feel not so isolated I suspect. Welcome.

BeckoningCat

Thank you. I think this is a much better way to deal with symptoms of anxiety and tiredness, or just generally being ill-at-ease the day after a drinking episode rather than trying to mindlessly distract myself with random junk on the Internet.

I think it reinforces itself. Since my problem is often continuing to drink alone at home after being with people earlier, and sometimes just drinking alone to begin with, there's a solitariness and a secrecy to it I am trying to break out it. I'm really grateful though that I can do this on-line today though, because I'm not an easy sort of person to get to go to a meeting. By the time I feel well enough that I would do something like go to an AA or similar meeting face-to-face, I will have already told myself that I don't really need that.

BeckoningCat

Thank you so much. It's really cool because so many forums are filled with hostile debates or petty arguments, and instead of triggering myself with all that negativity, now there's this place to hang out that's the opposite of all of that.