Wastinglife

I live alone so I neglect all household chores when actively drinking. My place is absolutely filthy with trash piled up. Lots of bags from the liquor store lying about etc. Last time I cleaned up after a binge, I found 2 unopened beer cans amongst the trash. I drank them right away as I was only day 2 and still fragile.

I am currently day 3 and hesitant to clean up should I find unopened booze buried somewhere under paper liquor bags. I will probably wait a couple days more until I feel fully detoxed.

That's how bad I am. Place is filthy but can't clean because I am unable to resist drinking a stray can of beer if found....

Dee74

I'm sorry WL thats not a good place to be,

If you can stand the mess, then sure...wait til you're strong enough to resist any surprises.

I hope you'll do some longer range thinking tho too - obnviously you're caught in a cycle of not drinking then relapse.

What do you think you need to do to break the cycle?

(that can be a rhetorical question if you like - I don't need to know your answer but I think you need to ask it of yourself?)

D

Wastinglife

I am under unbearable stress. It's overwhelming. Anxious, paranoid, hopeless. That's how I feel when sober

Sohard

Dee74

Do you have a doctor you see about anxiety WL?
If it is unbearable get some help.

Wastinglife

It's my real life situation that has me anxious. Diet and exercise won't change it. Neither will medication. Just got to keep going hope for the best I suppose...

D122y

I hope there is not point of no return.

Do you mix medsmwith booze,

Wastinglife

No, I don't take medication unless I'm sober. Doesn't mix well with booze. ADHD medication.

HeadEast

Have you given sobriety a long enough chance to see how you really feel?

ThatWasTheOldMe

If you have ADHD and it triggers anxiety, alcohol abuse is gonna make that much worse than it is baseline.

ADHD is a real thing, my friend.

brighterday1234

Abraham

I'm willing to bet its mostly the booze that has you anxious. It does that.

Wastinglife

The booze exacerbates my anxiety but real problems are the source. I am practically unemployable because I have a criminal record (DUI), am bankrupt, alone, 43 and have ADHD and alcoholism.

Been to rehab, inpatient therapy, detox, AA, psychiatric hospitals. I am pretty much ready to just drink myself to death. Spend 99 percent of my time alone. No family or friends around. Undateable for any woman. I wouldn't care if Coronavirus kills me...

Sammy1980

Just go outside for a couple minutes a day and take a big breath of fresh air. For a few minutes only think of that moment and nothing else.

thomas11

Wastinglife, please continue to post, I/we are very worried. If you can get out of this mess on your own great, if not, seek help. its going to save you. you are in canada so I think they will help you out medically?

BackandScared

The first few days are horrible. You cannot think about everything at once. It is just impossible.
Focus on one thing. You are already doing something massive. Give yourself credit for it.
I am pretty convinced that Sohard's idea of hiring someone to clean is best but also unfeasible for you right now. You will get super stressed trying to find someone and opening the door to your mess/probably finances, etc.
Find a bag and start putting everything you find in it to throw away.

If you think this is not possible because you will drink whatever you find, abandon the cleaning plan, Keep writing here. Go for a 5 minutes walk. Make it to another day and reassess

Hawkeye13

A DUI doesn’t make you unemployable. You can recover from bankruptcy. Why do you continue to use these things as absolutes that keep you from recovery? They are impediments, not road blocks with no way forward.

Lines

Are you in counseling/therapy for the childhood issues with your parents? It seems like what you went through is overshadowing your future. Getting medical help for the ADHD?

Several years ago I blew up my whole life and while drugs were a part of it, mostly it happened because I used those things to deal with a lot of internal thoughts and feelings that I'd struggled with a long time. I had to deeply examine these things which drove so much of my thinking. I also had to be treated for depression. A qualified psychologist can make for a good support system in the beginning.

The thing is while you may be envisioning a future that's dark and lonely, those are simply thoughts. Despite the obstacles in your path, life in the future can be better than you can even visualize at the moment.

ZIP

It's helpful to clean up the place and toss all alcohol out the the house. Maybe someone could come over to help...and be the person who dumps found beer.
It's time to shake things up for the better, and it requires some effort.
I'll tell you, friend, I drank alone at home with a garage full of alcohol. The first thing I did was make it a dry house. No booze...period. Tossed it all, and gave away my garage fridge.
That clean-up/clean-out effort has helped me remain sober. I think it can help you, too. You're taking the right path.

Steely

I think cleaning up the house is a good idea WL. It will give you something to do, and will pave a way forward. Clean feels good.

I've just started seeing a counsellor to help me quit smoking after many failed attempts. Been advised to wash all of my bed linen, curtains, cushions, etc., to get rid of the stench of cigarette smoke. It really does feel better. Fresh. I don't know WL at some point you're going to have to deal/confront the stray bottle.

Get rid of the stench of the booze and the inya face bottles. It's too depressing. Only my view, and only if you're not too unwell.

I've lived alone in the squalor of binge drinking WL and know how awful it is. I also know how much better it feels when I get it cleaned up. Bran nui dae.

I've lost heaps WL but refuse to lose myself.