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Forgetting Why I Quit

Old 03-10-2020, 10:36 PM
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Forgetting Why I Quit

Hi everyone. I haven't drank in 31 days and I feel pretty good. I am clear-headed, energetic, less anxious and more present than I was while drinking. But the last few days have been mentally challenging (or triggering, I suppose) because I went on "staycation" with my wife to the beach.

The weather was beautiful and the restaurants/bars on the promenade were packed with people sipping beers and laughing. I instantly felt deprived and spent the rest of the weekend trying to remember why I stopped drinking. I got through it but can't shake the feeling that I want to drink.

In hindsight it's obvious I should have avoided the trip, but just days ago I felt full of energy for my newly sober life and couldn't imagine drinking again. Now I can't stop thinking about it.

Perhaps I should amend the title of this thread to "forgetting what it felt like before I quit" because, in truth, I can list all of the reasons why I stopped drinking and see clearly that I made the right decision. Instead, I'm struggling to recall how bad the hangovers were, how dissatisfied I was with life and how anxious alcohol made me. Almost involuntarily, I keep rehashing the good times at barbecues, bars and beach trips.

I'm romanticizing alcohol, I know, plucking a few fun memories out of a sea of bad, but the feeling (not the idea) that drinking again would be fine is weighing me down. And my mind won't stop talking to me. It's all like "don't be stupid, it's just a drink, nothing's stopping you from simply ordering a beer, everyone's doing it, why are you so uncompromising? so strict? does it really have to be so black and white?".

Clearly, I'm craving alcohol. Any tips?
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Old 03-10-2020, 11:08 PM
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Hi freshout

whenever I thought about drinking in my early days, I'd come here.

Sometimes I'd post about it but most times I'd just read a little, see what others were going through and post to them.

I may have been newly sober but I still had some knowledge to share.

That, and reading here, helped keep my memories of drinking very much alive.

30 days is great but it's just the beginning freshout.

It's pretty much the time when those 'am I really an alcoholic ' thoughts come in:

'Do I really need to quit - maybe I overreacted?'
' I've shown control now- maybe I can moderate... '

all those kind of musing only have one answer NO,

You can't solve a years long or lifelong problem in 30 days - and you can't solve a years long problem by going back to the behaviours or substances that made you want to quit in the first place.

I've have not taken a drink since 07, but if I did I have no doubt I'd find myself back as if I'd never stopped

don't confuse abstinence with control - they are not the same thing.

Here are some great tips & ideas on dealing with cravings
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-cravings.html (CarolD's tips for cravings)
D
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Old 03-10-2020, 11:42 PM
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Originally Posted by freshout View Post
I'm romanticizing alcohol, I know, plucking a few fun memories out of a sea of bad, but the feeling (not the idea) that drinking again would be fine is weighing me down. And my mind won't stop talking to me. It's all like "don't be stupid, it's just a drink, nothing's stopping you from simply ordering a beer, everyone's doing it, why are you so uncompromising? so strict? does it really have to be so black and white?".
Black and white thinking is normally a bad thing, because there is no compromise, no gray areas to play in. It's very rigid. Unfortunately, if you are an alcoholic, and you want to quit, this is a situation that is black and white, and there can be no compromise. Not many situations are, but this one is.

If you are willing to compromise and have a good time in a bar by accepting the hangover, the guilt, and all that goes with your drinking that you don't like, you have a choice to make, and as you pointed out, it's all right there for a buck and a half (or whatever it costs these days).

Everyone of us here has had to make that choice. That's kind of what recovery is about. For me, the consequences of drinking were bad enough that I never questioned that it was the right choice, even though the thought of never drinking again terrified me at times or depressed me at others.

If you hang in there and stick with sobriety, your perception about the whole thing changes. When I don't drink now, I never ever feel a sense of sacrifice or longing. Instead I feel a flash of gratitude for not having to drink again and another flash for being in control of my life, rather than being out of control.

Yes, at first it doesn't seem easy, and it's not, but for me, the idea that alcohol was necessary in my life, was clearly wrong, not just a bad perception, it was flat out incorrect... for me.

You might decide that it's better to reach for the easy fix, and what could be easier than putting a drink to your lips and just letting the drinking lead you to a state of foggy brained unconsciousness. When it came right down to it, that was not what I wanted.

I wish you the best whatever you decide.
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Old 03-11-2020, 12:44 AM
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From my scientific viewpoint regarding addiction, the desire to drink is the permanent brain damage from decades of drinking.

At 30 days clean, my brain had yet to rewire around the booze damaged areas. At 90 days clean, I was showing symptoms of insanity. The crave was fierce.

The reason was because I didn't get the natural opiates I used to get from booze. The drunken laughter and glazed eyed relaxed euphoria. The world moved too fast. Lights were too bright.

The return to some normalcy took me the better part of 2 years. Now at 4 plus years without a booze or drug induced buzz, my brain gets high on life pretty normally.

Getting home from work and knowing that I am going to throw on my comfy tshirt and sweater, enjoy some delicious home cooked foods, watch a great movie etc. All provide me dopemine now.

Looking forward to a night out with my wife or going on a vacation next month will give me happiness.

Before it was only booze that did this.

Everything else didn't really matter.

It was only the booze. I needed my fix.

My av will do and say anything to get the fix, only to do and say anything to get another fix.

It is a broken record, a viscous cycle. It can only only only ever be stopped by never never never drinking booze again.

Booze is a highly addictive neurotoxin that alters my brain. The damage is permanent. Each relapse worsens the damage.

This is how I stay clean.

Thanks.
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Old 03-11-2020, 03:00 AM
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What you're experiencing now goes beyond desire or romanticizing the good parts, it's an obsession. Realizing you cannot stop thinking about it should be evidence enough it's not good for you. The thoughts you put in quotations in your last paragraph are your AV.. learning to identify and separate from those thoughts has made all the difference for me any many others here.

On another note, D122y's post is really so accurate. I haven't drank in 2 and a half years and my brain has started making its own natural feel good chemicals from normal everyday things again. So if I were to "forget" now (or at least see how it would be possible to) it's because I don't even think of drinking as being a part of or necessary to have a good time.

Your views will change over time and the obsession will loosen it's grip the less you give it any credence. But of course it's not going to happen overnight, so there's also a lot of wisdom in the "one day at a time" sentiment imo.
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Old 03-11-2020, 04:40 AM
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"Pain has no memory"- I found this true myself at times.
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Old 03-11-2020, 06:39 AM
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Not sure this will help, but sobriety is not a punishment.

Also, I avoided (and still avoid for the most part) social situations with alcohol for 3-4 months. No bars, no parties, no happy hours, no visiting neighbors...nothing.
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Old 03-11-2020, 07:11 AM
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I'm nearly 4 months sober and I avoid all social situations that may include alcohol, although I am starting to venture out. I was around a few friends the other night who are not big drinkers. We were sitting around a nice fire and they were sipping a beer and I didn't think about it for more than a fleeting moment. My case is a bit different because to date I have not felt like I was missing out at all. My last few scary weeks drinking still loom large in my memory and I still don't know how I made it out of that. Still very motivating for me. But I realize my alone time with my AV is coming and I am ready. Thank you for your post.
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Old 03-11-2020, 07:12 AM
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Forgetting Why I Quit

You just have to remember you quit. For good. Total commitment to sobriety. That will get you through any lapses of "why" you quit. You've quit. Period.
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Old 03-11-2020, 07:21 AM
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Freshout, I feel for you. I know what it's like, both where you are at, and where I'm at. I can honestly say where I've gotten to is worth the fight.

Here are some things that helped me fight.

First, I got into the habit of saying to myself "You're just hungry" whenever I got an urge or craving. Then as soon as I could I would eat something - whether I was hungry or not. It might just be a protein bar but taking the time to eat something allowed the urge to fade into obscurity.

Second, I play both movies to the end. By that I mean I start the drinking movie right at the beginning (first sip) and with as much detail as I can remember exactly how it goes, including chasing the buzz after it fades, getting more and more drunk, passing out, coming to, feeling miserable and hung over the first day, still not back to good the second day. I include all the guilt and shame associated with the episode.

Next I play the movie from not taking a drink to where I am today. I think about what I will do for the rest of the day. I fall asleep, not pass out. I wake up , not come to. I feel good right from the start of the day. I do enjoyable things throughout the next day. I'm able to shrug off the not so enjoyable parts of life.

By the time I've done both of those things I've made my choice. I won't drink.

There's a couple of threads I check on and post in each morning on the SMART website. One is: I will not drink today because - https://www.smartrecovery.org/commun...ted-by-RoseH20)

and the other is: 5 positive things a day check in - https://www.smartrecovery.org/commun...ead-March-2020

The positivity and reasons definitely help my resolve.

Finally. some of the SMART tools like a Cost Benefit Analysis really help. There are tools for building and maintaining motivation, coping with urges, managing thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, as well as living a balanced life (without alcohol). Sometimes just reading about a tool helps. Sometimes I have to work the tool.
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Old 03-11-2020, 07:24 AM
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I was feeling the same way the other day and relapsed

I was at 59 days and just like you were saying I was more energetic clear motivated and just felt totally comfortable and secure in my sobriety and so I was invited to a place that I used to drink at with my friend who still drinks and once I got the thought in my head it was basically an obsession at that point and after I let the obsession fester for a couple days it's like I had no choice but to just take the first drink. No amount of meetings or anything could bring me off the ledge.

It really is an obsession. It is insanity. Trust me if you drink you will regret it. It will not be as fun and relaxing as it sounds.
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Old 03-11-2020, 08:40 AM
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Well, we all remember the good old days. And yes, alcohol did make things better. Until it did not. Pity the party could not go on.
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Old 03-11-2020, 09:12 AM
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Originally Posted by freshout View Post

I'm romanticizing alcohol, I know, plucking a few fun memories out of a sea of bad, but the feeling (not the idea) that drinking again would be fine is weighing me down. And my mind won't stop talking to me. It's all like "don't be stupid, it's just a drink, nothing's stopping you from simply ordering a beer, everyone's doing it, why are you so uncompromising? so strict? does it really have to be so black and white?".
Oh my gosh, my mind has said the same exact thing to me in the past. Basically shaming me for being such a dunce for making such a big deal about everything and not just having a drink like everybody else. Because, what’s the big deal, right? I would have myself convinced that I really just made this whole addiction thing up in my head.

I can promise you, that lying voice from your mind, the one you really do know is lying or you wouldn’t have intelligently come here, starts to shut up after a while. At 10+ months, I rarely hear it now. So, my advice is just ignore it. Of course, I know that’s much easier said than done. Someone once said to me if I wanted to drink after 100 days, I could, but just to promise myself to get to there bc things would get easier. They were so right. So if it helps, tell yourself that you’ll knock off all the nuttiness at day 100 and could have a beer then. But I bet at 100 days you will realize there’s no way you want to go back to that. :-) I know different things work for different people. But for me, it just helped to have a 100 day goal post, at which point my mind was much quieted down and I could stretch the goal post to a lifetime.
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Old 03-11-2020, 09:53 AM
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I think every so often we all tend to ‘forget why we drank’ and start to romanticize the drink.
For these occurrences, I always go back to a quote that I’ve found somewhere here on SR and that is worth rereading over and over again:


"Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane."

Craig Ferguson
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Old 03-11-2020, 05:28 PM
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How's it going Freshout?
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Old 03-12-2020, 07:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Callas View Post
... Pity the party could not go on.
I wholeheartedly disagree. The "party" was seen through eyes that were seeing something not there. It was never as good as the distorted image that alcohol caused. Not for me, not for anyone around me. The idea that the "party" was good fun was a delusion. I'm not sorry it ended. I have a life now, not a mirage.
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Old 03-12-2020, 11:20 PM
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I can certainly relate. I have had terrible consequences over the years due to my drinking and yet have never been able to stay sober more than 10 months. Often I have little memory of things that otherwise should dissuade me. If I come under stress, a huge trigger, I will drink since the pain of drinking has faded over time
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Old 03-12-2020, 11:32 PM
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Total and utter acceptance of ones alcoholism is essential for sobriety for an alcoholic in my experience. My advice would it may be worth doing work on this vital 1st step. “We learned we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholic” (AA)
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Old 03-13-2020, 07:42 AM
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I really have many problems with AA. One of them is labeling myself as an alcoholic. That is not the totality of who I am, it's denigrating, it's a put down, and it's negative and unhelpful. It serves only to keep one down and more likely to fail.

I do not introduce myself as "Hi, I'm Charon, I'm a woodworker" or "I'm an orchid grower". Those are also things I do not who I am.

Drinking alcohol isn't me. It's a behavior. I can choose to continue that behavior. Or I can choose to stop that behavior. Contrary to AA, I am not powerless. It's my choice to take the first drink. If I do, I have to own what happens next. I can also choose to not take the first drink, as well.

I have made that decision and continue to make it every day. To help maintain my resolve I use the SMART tools. They are positive, empowering, and scientifically vetted.
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Old 03-13-2020, 12:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Charon View Post
I really have many problems with AA. One of them is labeling myself as an alcoholic. That is not the totality of who I am, it's denigrating, it's a put down, and it's negative and unhelpful. It serves only to keep one down and more likely to fail.

I do not introduce myself as "Hi, I'm Charon, I'm a woodworker" or "I'm an orchid grower". Those are also things I do not who I am.

Drinking alcohol isn't me. It's a behavior. I can choose to continue that behavior. Or I can choose to stop that behavior. Contrary to AA, I am not powerless. It's my choice to take the first drink. If I do, I have to own what happens next. I can also choose to not take the first drink, as well.

I have made that decision and continue to make it every day. To help maintain my resolve I use the SMART tools. They are positive, empowering, and scientifically vetted.
I think it's a case of different strokes for different folks. I can very much relate to both programmes.

But yeah as to forgetting, I had like a ten minute bout of anxiety yesterday and that was all it took to remind me why I was sober. For once I was grateful for anxiety 'cause it reminded me of what living in active addiction is like an awful lot of the time.

And to reference AA, for me certainly my anxiety - a big part of my life - had become unmanageable.
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