Blondie1978

Hi im new here... so my recovering partner has relapsed. We've been together a year and although relatively short he was my forever. Thoughtful, kind, funny and and he adored me, there was nothing he wouldnt do for me.
He was 3 years clean, he told me his addiction was codine which i had no reason not to beleive.
He moved in with me and my children and we were happy starting to build a life together. He has small family but hes extremely close to his sister.
then in the new year, out of the blue he went missing for 4 days he sent me a text he loves me and he disappeared. As it was out of the blue and not really knowing any details of his addiction I was worried so I called his sister who went and found him. The next thing he's in a mental health hospital and asked to see me.
he said he had lost his job he was embarrassed and it all got too much for him and it's started his mental health.
I didn't question this because his sister didn't tell me any different. Im not used to being around drugs,so i wouldnt know.
he came home and things seriously changed, he wasn't the person I met and fell in love with, he was distant and argumentative.
a month or so passed with continual arguments. He kept saying he needed to go back to group and his medication was making him Go mad. That he loved me but he didn't want to keep hurting me, I deserved a better life.
4 weeks ago we had a massive row and he said some of the worst things you could say to someone and I kicked him out, I flipped I just felt like I couldn't take anymore. Nothing I did was right.
he never took any money from me or stole from me he did however take a £300 watch I bought him ...left his phone and I've never seen him since.
I called the police and they found him and said hes safe. I know where he is but i cant make soneone do something they dont want to do. My neighbour has since told me that he bought crack from someone she knew .. I've asked his sister if hes on drugs and she just says she doesnt know. But shes done with chasing him to leave him where he is.

I just feel so lost as I don't really have a clear answer. If he would of told me the truth from the beginning this maybe wouldn't of happened?
I feel stupid for not seeing it and having this around my children. Im heart broken it's been 4 weeks since he left he took nothing with him just the clothes on his back. Do i just leave him or should I try to help. My nature is to help people but I can't take anymore heartache.

jr67

Wow Blondie you are going through a lot and you packed a lot into your post.

I only have a few minutes here this morning but I want to encourage you to keep posting and learning from others who have been in your position, or your boyfriend's position, or both.

I won't venture to tell you whether to end your relationship, but it sounds like you are being sure to take care of yourself and your kids, which absolutely must come first. And if he returns to your life (and if you allow him to), it must be, imho, with clear limits under a "new normal."

It sounds like you are learning you didn't really know him so well after all, so, sadly, perhaps the "real him" is not the guy for you. Or maybe something could be salvaged, if both of you have the commitment, energy, and strength to making that happen.

Oh and most important: honesty, which (it sounds like) was in short supply before. Only you can decide, but that may be reason in itself for you to decide to painfully cut all ties once and for all. If not, proceed with caution.

Hawkeye13

Kids should not be living with an active, unpredictable, mentally unstable relapsed addict.

Be smart, change your locks, and cut your loss here as your kids must come first.
He made the choice to use, and has the tools to stop. He may not have stolen from you yet, but if he continues to spiral, all bets will be off.

If he contacts you about his own things, I would leave them out for him or get his sister to collect if possible. Addicts can be very charming when they are out of money, have no place to live, and you are potential and vulnerable resource for these things.

That’s the unfortunate harsh reality of addiction. It doesn’t mean you can’t care about him, but to protect your family it must be from a distance at this point. Assume he will be back and protect yourself. Also change bankcard passwords, etc. and Do change the locks ASAP.

Read around here and under friends and family of addicts to educate yourself. Things can go really bad and out of the blue just as happened to you. Addiction is a terrible thing.

Surrendered19

None of this was caused by anything you did or didn't do Blondie. I'm so sorry that has happened. To protect your family I wouldn't look for him or try to help him at this point. Easy to slip into enabling behaviors like just giving him a place to rest his head on a pillow for one night.

You need to let him go and it is up to him from there. He might have done you a favor digressing so quickly. Then it can just be done and you don't have to live in some addict's limbo and lose five years of your life. Or more. You take care of yourself and your dear kids. If he is nearly all the way under a bus, you don't have to crawl under there with him.

ShilohWon

Hi Blondie, glad you are here. I'm a, recovering alcoholic. I have a family member with drug addiction issues. I have stopped paying bills for this person. It can be done and has to be done, for me and this person. It doesn't mean I love him less, it just means I have stopped enabling him.

Anna

I hope that he decides to seek help for himself.

And, I hope that you take care of yourself. You might consider AlAnon in your city as a support for you.

Dee74

Hi Blondie

I'm glad you found us - this is a great place for support and help.

I'll echo the others - these things are happening because he's in active addiction - you did nothing wrong and nothing to cause any of this.

I had a moment of clarity when I stopped drinking and drugging.
I hope he finds his way back too.

All the best to you and your kids

D