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Alcoholic Father coming into town for a week..argh!

Old 03-06-2020, 08:08 AM
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Alcoholic Father coming into town for a week..argh!

Hey guys,
Wanted to ping anyone's advice on dealing with a parent active in addiction. My father is coming into town for a week starting Wednesday and i'm trying to get a game plan. I told him late last year that if he came out that he would need to find a place to stay. Well we are a little under a week out and guess what he hasn't found a place to stay and expects to stay at my place which i rent with roommates for a week. Good grief i'm so angry. I know he's an alcoholic so i should the pattern's but it doesn't change the fact that i still expect some responsibility on his part. He's a 12 year old boy in a 69 year old mans body. Lol wow that sounds familiar but oy vei. I'm not looking forward to this visit with him. Oh well just thought i'd get that off my chest. Live and let live and love and tolerance is our code. Would love to hear experiences from other people that share how you dealt with a loved one still active in addiction visiting?
Thanks!
Garrison
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Old 03-06-2020, 08:35 AM
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Honestly, you told him he couldn't stay with you. I'd stick with that. He hasn't found a place to stay, so you could make a reservation at a hotel or airbnb for him.

My mother was an active alcoholic and she wasn't welcome to stay with me. I don't allow alcohol in my home. And aside from her drinking, the expected verbal abuse was something I would no longer tolerate.

I have very strong feelings about this and that may not be the same in your case. But, listen to your soul and do the right thing for yourself.
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Old 03-06-2020, 08:47 AM
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Thanks for the advice Anna! I'm going to let him reserve an airbnb or hotel room. I don't have the money and honestly i'm pissed that he just expects me to "roll" with whatever he wants. He's a completely selfish ****. This is something i need to work on because i'm a people pleaser and i knew full and well this would happen months ago when he wanted to come out. I did want to say no because i'm going through a ton of "life stuff" right now but i know he's getting up there in age and felt bad saying no. Lord give me strength!
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Old 03-06-2020, 08:51 AM
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I don't know what your financial status is, but is there any way you could pay for a room for him? Or reserve one and tell him he needs to go there? It says you are in Boulder, so anything around there is probably really expensive. It would be a little cheaper if you looked a little out from Boulder.
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Old 03-06-2020, 09:03 AM
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I would reach out to him and let him know up front that there won't be any drinking going on and that he should plan on a sober trip. Some shopping, hiking, hanging out at coffee shops, seeing a movie, having some good food. All sober. Period.
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Old 03-06-2020, 09:21 AM
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Hi Surrendered19 i'm afraid that's not an option. He will drink wherever he decides to stay. I've agreed to letting him stay 3 days at my place. I'm comfortable enough with my sobriety that i won't drink if he's drinking and i will be working most days. It's just a situation that i could have prevented by just telling him not to come. Oh well live and learn.
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Old 03-06-2020, 09:58 AM
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I just spoke with my father and he has decided to only come out from Wednesday to Sunday which is much more manageable. He's going to stay at my place. Thanks for all of the advice!
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Old 03-06-2020, 01:46 PM
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I had to deal with a drunk mother from time to time for many years after I got sober.

You have my sympathy.
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Old 03-06-2020, 03:37 PM
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I'm glad you found a solution but honestly I would have left him to find his own accommodation. He may be an alcoholic but he's still an adult.

I'm not worried for you and your recovery but sitting around with your roommates and a drunk dad is my idea of Hell.

D
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Old 03-06-2020, 08:50 PM
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If he wouldn't get himself accommodation and expects to say at your place after being advised, I'd definitely lay down the no alcohol rule. I know you've worked it out, just needed to say. Totally selfish.

Sounds like hell to me too, if he's drinking. Keep the faith.
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Old 03-06-2020, 08:57 PM
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Originally Posted by comtnman740 View Post
Hey guys,
Wanted to ping anyone's advice on dealing with a parent active in addiction. My father is coming into town for a week starting Wednesday and i'm trying to get a game plan. I told him late last year that if he came out that he would need to find a place to stay. Well we are a little under a week out and guess what he hasn't found a place to stay and expects to stay at my place which i rent with roommates for a week. Good grief i'm so angry. I know he's an alcoholic so i should the pattern's but it doesn't change the fact that i still expect some responsibility on his part. He's a 12 year old boy in a 69 year old mans body. Lol wow that sounds familiar but oy vei. I'm not looking forward to this visit with him. Oh well just thought i'd get that off my chest. Live and let live and love and tolerance is our code. Would love to hear experiences from other people that share how you dealt with a loved one still active in addiction visiting?
Thanks!
Garrison
My brother is a falling over alcoholic and he doesn't get to stay here for more than one night. I just can't - with seeing that. Nope. Whole lotta nope.
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Old 03-10-2020, 06:31 AM
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Hey guys,
Thanks for all of the support! Well i think this one falls under my HP having my back. I was sitting at home wondering what my Dad's plans were after i sent a text on Saturday with no reply and i get a text last night from him basically saying that he has to cut his trip short (he was visiting other friends and family in AZ and NV) and won't be coming out. Wow i'm relieved but am a bit bummed because he is my father and it would've been nice to seem him but this definately brings down my stress level. Hope everyone has a nice Tuesday!
Garrison
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Old 03-19-2020, 07:21 AM
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Hey guys,
So i wanted to provide an update on what is going on with my Father and I. It helps to get it down. : ) As i said above i received a random text saying that he wasn't coming out and he had to get back home to take care of things. I asked him what was going on and didn't hear anything back. Well it's now mid-week and i'm still wondering if he was going to reach out and let me know what is going on and that things are ok. Well nothing until last night when i go on my Facebook page and it's basically a reply to one my posts to "get a full time job". That's it! I can't believe this man? #1 i've been working fulltime for a couple of months now and he has the audacity to just post something like that without even calling/explaining/apologizing about what happened with his scheduled trip to see me. Now the post was late so i know he was drinking and i know full and well that he is an alcoholic and he's destroyed many relationships in his life. If anyone i should know but that doesn't make it any easier. So i wrote him last night basically asking him to explain what happened. I think we've reached a point where i may need to go "no contact" with him. He causes me more stress then happiness. I'm really bummed about this because i already don't talk to my mother because she's verbally abusive. I know one thing is true i have to take care of myself, my serenity and sobriety. I would appreciate any feedback people have with abusive/drunk parents. Hope everyone has a SAFE and happy day!
Garrison
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Old 03-19-2020, 07:27 AM
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Garrison, I'm sorry about your situation. But, the sad fact is that we can't choose our families, but we can know when it is time to step away, at least for awhile.
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Old 03-19-2020, 07:29 AM
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Yep and i'm really bummed because he lives out of state and there are periods of times where things are ok but the times when he just isn't a very good father in my mind far outweighs those. Thanks for your input. : )
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Old 03-19-2020, 07:36 AM
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I didn't speak to my mother for ten years and it was a peaceful ten years! I needed to for my sanity. I am reluctant to recommend that though because it is lonely and very difficult. Can you try and think that it isn't him, it's alcohol saying those things?
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Old 03-19-2020, 07:39 AM
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Honestly i don't know if i can do that. He stirs up so much anger, resentment and frustration in me. I know love and tolerance is our code but this is a man who has no plan to get sober and will remain how he is for the rest of his life. I can pray for him though. I was told by someone in the rooms that if you pray for someone for 2 weeks it will help to allieviate the resentment.
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Old 03-19-2020, 07:49 AM
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Another thing i have to think about is that he's 69 and honestly with his current lifestyle how much longer does he have? That sounds aweful to say but honestly i think about going no contact and then getting a call that he's passed away. Man the tricky things we have to meander in sobriety. I think what i have to do is think about my own well being.
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Old 03-19-2020, 08:07 AM
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It's difficult but yes you definitely have to put yourself first.
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Old 03-19-2020, 01:52 PM
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Sorry about your dad but unfortunately while times like these can bring out the best in folks they can also bring out the worst.

I went no contact (or minimal contact occasionally via phone) with my folks for a while.

My folks aren't alcoholics but it was what I needed to do at the time.
I put myself ahead of toxic people.

Now, several years down the track, I'm stronger. my boundaries are good, and the toxicity doesn't seem as much of a problem to me.

My folks are about 10 years older than yours. I'm glad I had that time away but I'm glad I reconnected too.

Not much help I expect G but thats my story

D
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