Smithssss

I have come to my own conclusion that I need to quit drinking because I don't have the mentality to quit while I'm not ahead and my track record of "just having a few" is abysmal. My next step is to communicate this to my family. I am scared of doing this because of the inherent shame, judgement and misunderstanding i.e. "just don't drink as much and you'll be fine". Does anyone have any advice or stories about how they went about this? Thank you

Dee74

Hi Smithssss

Some people tell their loved ones they are quitting, others don't. It depends on whether you think tell them will help or hinder your efforts.

In the end, I think it's more important to show change by our actions.

My loved ones heard the 'I've quit' speech too many times. It was only sustained action that convinced them I really was changing.

D

Anna

I didn't say anything to my family when I stopped drinking. I just stopped and let them see the changes. I wouldn't pay any attention to other people's comments about your drinking. You know what you need to do and that's what matters.

Smithssss

Dee74 thank you, you're so right. In terms of my boyfriend, I've messed up a lot over the years and he's heard the same "I'm not drinking again" statements, even though he himself is somewhat dependant but far less destructive than I am. It's my family who have a more pure view of me that concerns me but I feel I'm at a point where I need this to be out in the open. Then there are the friends who just say "oh come on, just a couple". I feel like admitting I have a problem will be seen as a failing and a damning weakness; I know I have to prevail but I want to limit the difficulty. I know there isn't always a guidebook on this kind of thing so I'm open and thankful for advice

Smithssss

Thanks anna, yes I do and I agree that's the most important thing. I will have to face telling my immediate family so they don't entice me into their shennanigans lol but the rest don't matter, they'll just notice my more introverted and 'boring' side but that's far better than the alternative drunken me!

VinnyMcM

I told my family and close friends of my plans. I had to otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to stop. The really surprising thing was that no one cared. And I mean that in a good way. Seeing me giving up drinking and admitting my problem even helped a few close people around me cut down on their drinking.

Everyone has some kind of crap they are hiding and keeping inside. I just choose to let all that out now. It feels better than I could have ever imagined.

mikoss

I have never told any family members of mine that I am an alcoholic for fear of the same thing you were mentioning about fear of being judged or misunderstood. Plus I never really hung around with family either for fear of having to explain my drinking habits or them seeing me drink a bit on the excessive side, but I am sure some of my family knows about my alcohol use through word of mouth. To me it doesn't really matter personally since I know I need to stop drinking regardless of what my family or friends think. I just wouldn't want to put extra pressure on myself by telling family that I am an alcoholic because of fear that they would judge me and not understand what I am going through battling alcohol addiction. But that is just me.

And even if my family knew about my drinking problem I wouldn't tell them I was quitting. I wouldn't tell them for fear of relapsing and feeling like I failed at sobriety. It is kind of like what Eric Clapton said about when he realized he needed help and needed to quit drinking and he said that he didn't want to tell friends or family that he was quitting because if he did tell them and then he couldn't quit he didn't want to feel like he let them down and failed and he figured he would just quit and if he succeeded then he would tell them after he quit.

But I do have a few friends of mine that I have told them that I am trying to quit. And I have a close friend of mine that stays with me and she knows about my problem with alcohol and substances and my mental conditions and helps me as best that she can.

Personally I am on a need to know basis with friends. Those that need to know about my drinking and my battle with trying to stop drinking I tell them. I guess it all depends on a person's particular family and friends and how they would take the news. I would just rather keep it as personal as I can just to avoid hassles with my family and not even mention my alcoholism but every situation is different.

Smithssss

Vinny - I think my close family won't be surprised if / when I tell them about my plans to quit, nor do I think they'll present me with any obstacles which is a comfort. It's so good that your disclosure helped others around you, I'm really happy it's worked out for you and I sincerely hope it continues to do so

Mikoss I know exactly what you mean. I think it's a need to know basis and some people have no such luxury but for those that do, I fear that telling them (my bf for the umpteenth time) only to fail will just make my feelings of weakness and inadequacy more prominent. I almost want to do it secretly so I only let myself down by my lifestyle at family events won't permit that.. Unless I'm pregnant! haha. It's good to hear you've got a friend who is in the know. I think I have someone I can trust who will back me up like that as well

thomas11

At some point, all the ancillary noise around admitting your alcoholic won't matter. What other people think etc...will be inconsequential because you'll understand that alcohol is completely ruining your life or maybe even take your life. At that point, you'll understand that sobriety is all about you, and no one else. And I admit, it feels weird at first. Focusing 100% on myself didn't feel right to me at first.

D122y

I didn't plan to tell anyone, but my wife figured it out. She then told everyone all the time.

So, it became a thing.

Now I am a non drinker. Most people don't care, except one guy at work.

He is still addicted and in denial. He is my boss. He knows I quit and resents me.

He used to find great joy in laughing at me when I was horribly hung over.

Oh well, I Made my bed. Bottom line is take responsibility of the problem and it remains under my control.

Project the blame, lose control.

The brain damage is for life, but being this clean was very very very hard earned.

There is no way I will ever dance with the devil again.

Booze won. I quit.

Thanks.

Smithssss

thomas11 - I'm hopefully inferring that you are indeed not opposing focussing on yourself. I will take what you've said and place the focus less on what others think and more on what I think and what I feel I need to do for my health and happy life. Ultimately, we have to think of ourselves first and foremost, then can we live a happy a life for ourselves and those around us.

Smithssss

Wow D122y forgive me for my bluntness but your boss sounds like an absolute bellend. You can't let someone elses resentment through jealousy impact your wellbeing, that's their problem, not yours. No matter now your problems became a thing, you're taking ownership of it and that's so empowering. You have all the support in the world here from what I have seen so keep on owning it and going forward!

HeadEast

I really like this.

DriGuy

I don't think I told anyone I was quitting, except for a couple of professional counselors, and the people I met at my AA meetings. Somewhere around 6 months, when I knew I had licked the problem, I started mentioning it to friends. Before then I was afraid of failing and embarrassing myself.

But Anna nailed it, I think. Don't bother listening to those that don't have a clue what they are talking about. Opinions about alcoholism are all over the map, and many of them are well intended, but completely wrong. And the nicest people can give you really bad advice, advice that is 180 degrees off the mark.

thomas11

That's exactly what I meant. I had to make sobriety the number one thing in my life for awhile. It was important as air. I was lucky in which I did not have kids or a career to babysit at the time. I had the time and the freedom to focus on such things.

I relapsed recently after 4 years and it was hell. To this day wondering if I did permanent damage. I wish you all the best. Post often.

ciowa

I told people Im in recovery just so they know when I decline a drink and stuff like that. Instead of looking at it as a weakness i.e, I can't drink, I look at it as an affirming choice Im making, I'm choosing to focus on my health and don't want to be sick and full of anxiety.

There are trade offs in all the choices we make. Iif our priority becomes drinking then other things take a back seat. And there are other things In my life that I enjoy doing, reading, writing etc that I've neglected because I was wasting time with drinking. Now I can spend more time doing things I enjoy and devoting more time to my family and friends. I don't see that as a choice made from weakness but one made from a place of strength. Stay strong.

DaisyBelle7

I had a lot of Day 1s, and told a lot of people. All those times it was my husband who said, “Just have 1 or 2. You need to control the amount you have.” He didn’t understand. I didn’t even understand back then. This time around, I told my husband and I explained why I can’t “just have 1 or 2”. After a couple of weeks, I told my parents and my kids. Now it’s been 48 days and I’ve told 3 very close friends and I’ve received a lot of support. I’m hesitant to make a big announcement because 1) I’m not ready; 2) I fear people would roll their eyes because of all my past failures; 3) it’s really no one else’s business. I do want to get to a point one day, probably after 1 year, where I share my story because I hope it will inspire others who are struggling.

It’s a personal decision, and one that requires a lot of thought. There’s no right or wrong answer as long as what you’re doing is best for your sobriety.

Steely

I told people on a need to know basis too. It's empowering. You want it, you take it. It's great when you get the hang. But always vigilant in a cool way.

I had someone once say, "just drink more slowly." Yeah, right.

I've never heard the expression bellend before. Very funny.

Surrendered19

I would be cautious about who you tell Smithssss. It is illegal where I live to discriminate against a person based on their status as an addict and that is for many very good reasons. Much like a disability, people who are recovering addicts face all sorts of judgment and discrimination. I really make sure that the people I share such deeply personal info with love me and I love and trust them.

Derringer

Funny thing happened when I quit.

I thought all the same stuff.

They'll think I'm weak, I'll be judged etc

In my head it was all negative.

The reality was quite different

Turns out they think I'm like Superman strong and what an amazing thing to do.

BUT ... no I didn't trumpet it for the same reason as Dee, my wife especially, had heard it so many times.

So yeah .. actions speak louder than words for sure