Lines

Everyday I wake up feeling guilty.
Nothing bad has happened.
No one suspects?
I do small lines of coke all day at work.
At home.
I need to stop. I want to stop. Somehow I'm frozen and the best I can do is analyze my work schedule of 12 -14 hour days and think when can I fit it in.
I know there is nothing anyone can say except stop now.
I wanted to acknowledge the guilt.

DaisyBelle7

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Do you want to stop?

lessgravity

Guilt and shame fade with time when we do the work needed to put down the poison. Are you willing to do the work?

Anna

You can end the guilt and shame if you are ready to do so.

Dee74

Hi lines

Even tho I've never done coke, I can identify with the shame guilt and secrecy.

You;ll find support here 24/7

Just wondering - have you explored things like CA (Cocaine Anonymous)

D

mikoss

I too was doing cocaine regularly at work. Sometimes every hour at work. I would do coke in the morning when I got up to go to work, coke on my way to work, more cocaine before going into my office at work, cocaine before lunch, cocaine during lunch, more coke after lunch, cocaine after work and on my way home from work, and more cocaine when I got home. And I was drinking on top of that. Sometimes I would have a drink and do coke about every hour while at work. I could barely go more than an hour to hour and a half or two hours max without it.

But yes the guilty side effect after doing cocaine is normal and I experienced it quite a bit as well as friends of mine that do cocaine regularly. Sometimes more and sometimes less when coming down off of cocaine. Guilt, shame, sometimes paranoia, agitation, moodiness, depression, anxiety etc. All common side effects of cocaine. But the guilt was a common feeling I felt usually after coming down off of the cocaine. I would ask myself why do I do this? I am such a bad person for doing this stuff? So I had only two choices to deal with the comedown. Either take an antidepressant to deal with the comedown or keep doing more coke. And it was just a vicious cycle of madness.

I am still dealing with cocaine addiction myself so I know how you feel. I relapsed just yesterday from doing coke. I didn't do a lot of it like before but even just a little bit was not good for me on top of the heavy drinking I did yesterday.

ThatWasTheOldMe

Alcohol and cocaine is a dangerous combination. That can really mess with your brain chemistry.

Lines

Thanks for the replies.

I realize guilt and shame are normal responses, but it's not something I felt so much when using in the past. I never used socially or did it to have a good time. I started for what seemed like practical reasons to stay awake, alert, to push myself further. I did it to study years ago, did it to keep up with the long hours of my first real job.

I hadn't used for over 5 years. That run became about numbing feelings, about using for different reasons with other people involved. It ended badly with my almost losing everything I valued both internal and external. I never felt much guilt because the coke and all the other things I was taking made me feel either numb or above it all. Invincible.

Now I feel guilty for using again.
For being at work and talking to people who respect and trust me.
The road back at work was the hardest thing Id ever done. Worse than stopping.

I feel guilty for what will disappoint my family.
Guilty for not seeing the signs that led up to my starting this again.

Yes I want to stop. I'm admitting to be scared of the emotional fall and the accountability I need. Don't know how to do it and work. Had 6 weeks off work, stopped. Was back at work 2 weeks and it fell apart.

I feel guilty for not following plans made. I received treatment years ago. I have a doctor who specializes and I see him once or twice a year for followup. I have resources and a family, wife who will help me. But I can't make the step to reach out. I want to stop and then reach out. Maybe it's not possible. When I was deadly sick before I still thought I was ok and could fix it.

ThatWasTheOldMe

Lines,

Have you considered that your drug abuse isn't necessarily just you being a jerk for the sake of being a jerk? Both cocaine and alcohol abuse really mess with your brain's reward pathways (I don't know if you drink on top of it, but it's common) - they deplete you of dopamine which makes it difficult to feel any sort of motivation or happiness. So it leads to a vicious cycle right back to your drugs of choice.

Steely

I'm a master of guilt..I'm a mother, and I'm an 'alcoholic'.

The only thing that has stuck in my mind about guilt is that it's a useful way to feel because it has us change our behaviour. Humans generally, not just addicts.

If we don't change the behaviour it's useless and will only perpetuate. Now that I'm not drinking my guilt is diminishing. Much better mastery.

HeadEast

Can you talk to your doctor, who is an addiction specialist? Often times with these things we've just got to start somewhere and take it from there. As said above, you are caught in a viscous cycle.

Wastinglife

I did coke at work in the past. Alcohol has always been my drug of choice however and lost a few jobs already because of drinking during the workday. Addiction sucks!

Steely

Yes, I've had it planted in my desk drawer. It totally sucks.

Dee74

All any of us can do is stay clean and sober today Lines.
Guilt can keep us using if we don't challenge it.

I had 30 years of screw ups thanks to drink and drigs - I hurt people I loved. I missed out on a lot of life events, choosing instead to get high or drink or both.

What I found was I needed to do more than just not drink or just not use, although that was the most obvious part of recovery.

I also had to forgive myself.

For me that was infinitely harder than anything else - but I filled my days with 'service work' of you like - making a difference, being useful, finding a life with meaning.

Your life full of meaning might not resemble mine in any way - but I urge you find it - find something, or some things, bigger than your addiction.

D

Lines

Lost 3 days over a cat, mouse, crying wife. Anxiety had been bad all day. My current stress tolerance level is at a 2. I've got to make a Dr appt.

FeelingGreat

Reach out Lines, before it gets too much. You know you have to.

Releasing myself from the burden of guilt was the best thing I ever did (alcohol).

Lines

I discarded what coke I had at work. Shamefully I took some before I did it.
lots of thinking. I believe I know everything the Dr will tell me. But maybe it will feel different coming from someone else. There was a plan in place if something like this was to happen. I haven't stopped on my own which was the first option. I'm supposed to call him option 2. But that leads to the next step which is to tell my wife, and at least my dad. I don't think I can. It's all too much and I think it's why I'm stuck. I've been using a lot of what I learned from treatment and maybe it's why I've been able to use very small amounts to and it hasn't moved up. But I keep thinking about the run years ago. How bad it was and in one way this is like an extension, but it can't be because it's so different.

It helps to read here. Still surprised I actually posted.

FeelingGreat

The support of my doctor made a big difference to me. It didn't happen right away but it was a big step toward sobriety.

Cityboy

You like your job so much that you have to snort coke to make it through the work day?

Sorry, nicer way to put it, do you think that there may be a chance that your current work is causing you to stress out at an unhealthy level?

Lines

It's not going to change so I have to. I have to do better