Seeking advice on mother
 

I had been reading online and came across this and hoped to gwt some advice from people who maybe were in the same situation. It's a longgg story but basically my mother is an alcoholic and has been full on the last 15 years. She has a job and drinks when she gets home and all week end really. I have tried reasoning with her etc but obv she just continues. She was very emotionally and physically abusive to me as a child growing up and from that I think I ended up with some self esteem and confidence issues. I am over it all though and I have a family of my own and me and her generally get on fine. The problem is that she is extremely abusive towards my dad. He is being domestically abused. She is insanely jealous of him in his job, accuses him if having affairs, is violent to him and he is at breaking point and terrified ans yet he still carries on to her like normal and brings her tea and looks after her. He is scared of her I get that. She texts and phones me every night telling me how hard it is for her and that dad is a bastard basically (he's not) and I am just so sick of being her emotional sounding wall.I am 9 months pregnant and we had a huge row with her at the weekend and it left me totally drained and stressed. She cannot see any error whatsoever in her behaviour. She is forever the victim when it's actually her that Is making all the problems ans ruining all her relationships. I don't know how to deal with it all. I have brothers who are apathetic. I'm the eldest and the only daughter and my mum woukd prob be closest to me. I don't know how to manage the situation.. I don't wnat to be around her she is toxic and manipulative and pretty hateful. But I feel sorry for my dad and like I need to do something 😔
Any advice really appreciated x

I don't have any advice but welcome. This should probably be posted in the friends and family of alcoholics but I am sure someone will offer some help soon. Best wishes.

I had a similar situation in my family and I had to step back for my own mental health. I hope that your father decides that your mother's abuse to him is unacceptable. I hope that you can focus on your baby-to-be and try to keep stress to a minimum. Ultimately we can only change ourselves, not others. You might consider AlAnon in your area as a support for you.

Fighting with an active drunk is like baying at the moon dearest Ashley. My people shook me until my teeth rattled and I never heard a word of it when my entire world revolved around the next drink. I'm sorry. You have people to protect now and my suggestion to you is to not expose them to your family for now. And, for goodness sakes, you are 9 months pregnant. For the next few years, you just take care of those who need you the most. My people have really loved Alanon and they have been so helpful to my family and friends whose lives I did everything I could to make miserable.

Please remember the three "C's":

-I didn’t cause it
-I can’t cure it
-I can’t control it

Sorry to read about your troubles Ashley. It sounds like you are incredibly patient and understanding.

I just wanted you to know Ashley that I understand
all that you shared with us and that you are not alone
because many of us, including myself have gone thru
similar to almost the same situation as you.

I have to echo what Anne shared and hope and pray
that you will take care of you and your little one who
will soon enter the world.

Learn all that you can about addiction and recovery
so that you will be armed with lots of knowledge to
not only help yourself but for your own little family
for yrs to come.

Knowledge is powerful and will help you gain strength,
courage and serenity within yourself to help you achieve
health and happiness in the face of lifes everyday struggles.

Trying to control a drunk (in my case - my dad) is an impossibility - wasted effort.
Having grown into an alkie myself, I can say with confidence NO amount of pushing, encouraging, threatening, etc mattered much to me....... until it mattered to me. I had to come to that decision on my own.

That said, your mom's drinking and her lifestyle are up to her to continue or change. What's usually best is to stay out of it and be a role model for what a healthy relationship looks like. Perhaps you can recommend to your dad that he move on himself but there again, that's his choice to make and one he'll have to weigh the pros and cons of.

If you want to hear from some folks with real experience in this sort of matter, I'd HIGHLY recommend asking some of the folks in the Alanon area of SR (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...riends-family/) or maybe the ppl in the friends/family area of SR (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/)

I'm sorry for what brings you here Ashley but this is a place of great understanding and support. You're not alone :)

We also have a Family and Friends forum you may want to check out as well? :)
DayTraders already linked a few of the forums:)

D

Thanks so much for the advice and replys.its kind of just ignored and accepted and glossed over in my life until a big blow out or drama happens then mum Will retreat in to her shell and everyone feels sorry for her including me. Ah u know what she's like etc😏 it's weird when it's ur parent because u feel u can't abandon them and have to be good to them. I'm of the mindset of Forgive and move on because you'll regret it some day when they aren't around but then again u can't just live in a cycle of **** and drama over and over. I'll check out the above links and stuff too, thanks guys x

Please come on over to the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum (scroll down the list of forums until you find it). There are tons of folks dealing with a variety of situations although the most common is a partner/spouse with alcoholism.

Your story reminded me of an incident some 30 years ago. I was at my foster sister's house. She had two babies. Her Dad called and I answered the phone, exchanged pleasantries and handed the phone to my sister. She listened for a good solid 10 seconds and hung up.

It was a moment when a lightbulb went off for me; it both shocked me and made me realize that she was doing exactly the right thing. My sister must have seen my face as she said, "I don't like doing this but he is drunk and won't even remember calling me. I can spend my time listening to his drunk ramblings or taking care of my children."

Her girls are now wonderful grown women with children of their own. My sister does occasionally think sadly of her dad. It was indeed sad but I don't think she has a single regret about choosing to focus on her own family and life. She could never have made any difference for her Dad. Her life and family is a testament to her good choices.

try Al Anon for you

Welcome to the family. :) I hope your mom decides to get help to stop drinking and stop abusing your dad.

But first and foremost, take care of yourself and your coming baby. :hug: Try the friends and family forum and AlAnon if it's near you.