Feeling horrible
 

Drank last night First time in 50 days. I blacked out like I do every single time I drink. I can't pinpoint what I did all night as it looks like I've deleted my browser history or I don't have any I got a new phone so I know I would have been on it and I'm so anxious that I'm shaking over whom I might have texted or messaged. I see I tried calling my cousin 17 times and also my grandma, which I've done before I am worried I might have got on my work computer and went through emails or done something I shouldn't have and I'm totally terrified.

What is drinking doing for you, now? Looks like anxiety, maybe even panic, humiliation, regret, and pain.

I know a way to ensure you always know who you are, what you’re doing, what others think of you, and be able to sense at all times your standing with the world.

How does this wonderful sense of knowing happen?

Sobriety. Get sober and you’ll never again wonder what you did last night. From this moment until your dying day.

It was the reason I changed. I did a life 180. I shed the drinking me totally, from day one. Sure, I still have an alcoholic personality and it’s not easy. But I haven’t had a drink since the date in my signature line. I wanted to always know what I did last night.

I still like always being me. Commit. Jump in completely, heart, mind and soul. Get yourself back.

I plan on staying sober. I can't deal with the extra anxiety it causes me since I never know what I did.

Been there
 

I've had similar experience anxiousrock and I know the fear attached to it. Nothing worse than not knowing. I blacked out a lot too. Things I've done! :headbange

There is little more you can do, other than what you are doing now, and that's staying sober and accepting that crap has happened, and you are going to change it. Change is happening now.

I've tried to phone people 17 plus times, e-mailed people, the works. These things WILL pass.

I'm still here to tell the tale, and so will you. When we don't remember what we did it's easy to create scenarios our head. Maybe you didn't do much at all? Play it cool, and see how it pans out.

It's crap anxiousrock, but I've found that as we remain sober people's memories of us drunk, fade. They create new memories of us, and begin see us in a new light. All you have to do is stay sober, and accept this too shall pass. :You_Rock_

I'm just worried I did something irreversible. Also worried that maybe I was online shopping and spent a lot of money but I can't check my bank account until tomorrow at work. I really hope I didn't do anything stupid I'm so tired and can't sleep of course. My heart is beating so so fast and I can't stop shaking.

I know, that's the scary thing. Thinking we might have done something irreversible, but not many things are completely irreversible anxiousrock. Are you worried about job, family, or online shopping?

When it was work related I would try put my head into, 'it probably wasn't that bad' mode, (even if I felt otherwise), and waited to see how things panned out. Whistle a happy tune. Go back to work with your head up. Check your emails.

If it's family, you'll just have to talk with them when you are feeling better, and make amends somehow. If they don't cop to it, well, so be it. You have done your best, and now you are sober, the most important thing now, and forever. :)

Not much you can do about on-line shopping. I hope you didn't totally overspend, but if you did hope you bought yourself something nice.

I've tried to figure out why I phoned, e-mailed people so frantically, obsessively. All I've really arrived at was I was seeking connection, somehow, anyhow. You are here now anxiousrock, and you have made realconnection. We are on your side. With so many of us having experienced exactly what you are feeling now. It's going to be ok.

Play it cool, and see how it's pans. However it pans you are sober and that's the most important thing.

Try resting, eating just a little, and LOTS of water.

It's going to be ok anxiousrock.

Hang in there my friend! We have all been there. Keep aware of withdrawal symptoms. If you start to sweat, shaking hands, you have to see a doctor.

It was the reason I stopped. Sadly, my health didn’t even factor into it.

It’s very freeing to never have this issue again. Freedom.

Look into AVRT.

Your statement “I plan on staying sober” makes me think you might find the method interesting.

Oh i remember those awful anxiety feelings about what I might have done on the internet, especially social media. Eventually, my desire to never feel that way again overcame my desire to drink. Even if I told myself I was only going to drink a little bit that rarely stuck and I'd almost always wake up with a worry and anxiety. I had to finally decide that I couldn't control my drinking and my peace of mind was more important than justifying a drink to "take off the edge", "blow off steam" or whatever. Until I made that choice, this cycle continued as predictable as the sun rises.

no nothing like that. I feel good, actually. Other than the anxiety.

thank you for this. It just gets harder and harder to forgive myself.

yes it will be the reason I quit too. I can deal with the physical stuff but this anxiety is just too much for me. Plus the actual not knowing what I did....absolutely no idea. Might have just passed out.

I am worried still even though i don't know what I did. I'm at work and its busy and all I can think about is what I might have done. Work, texting, email....i didn't spend any money but I'm still wondering what the heck i did all night!!

Hey there aptly-named anxiousrock - you have to let it go for now because you aren't going to remember. The thing - if there is a thing - will reveal itself. I think you might be ok because you are at work (not fired yet and working) and you didn't spend any money (no drunk spending last night). If you didn't do two of the three things you are terrified of having done, and with no evidence that you did anything at all, I think you might be ok. But regardless, put your crystal ball away because it doesn't work. The future will reveal itself in good time.

Wow, looks like you're doing the exact same thing I was doing and that's how I ended up on Sober Recovery.
Hold on to the really awful anxious feeling, write it down, post it on the fridge door.
It will remind you why you should not drink. Like somebody said on my thread, 'what if you got in your car and drove whilst blacked out', the thought of killing somebody stopped me dead in my tracks!
Just try and make a really good mental note on why you must not drink, keep playing it over and over and in the ends it somehow sticks!

I think you've avoided the gallows anxiousrock.

A really good lesson.

The anxiety about what could have happened is probably the most terrifying thing about drinking for me. I've been relatively lucky till now, but the odds say it's only a matter of time before something irreversible happens. To hell with drinking. I know a sober life means I'll never have to worry about it again.

It's probably not all that bad.
Actions speak louder than words. Stay sober and work harder on your recovery.