kk1k5x

Hi everyone!

I have no wish to drink but I wanted to reach out for support. I am going to be in a social situation this weekend and I'm having massive anxiety about it.

I'm 9 months sober but during that time, every time I need to go and be social, I get enormous anxiety. Short fuse, limbs feel weak etc. I feel an overwhelming want to escape from whatever the situation.

Do you have any advice? How did you re-enter 'normal' social interaction?

Maybe I'm just being a weirdo but I wanted to reach out because this is giving me grief every single time. I want to always go, in theory, but when the time arrives, I'd like nothing more than to pull a blanket over my head and wait for the 'storm' to pass.

Thanks

C0ntr0ls

Congrats on the 9 months!
Sobriety comes first in my book so if I felt I may not be able to trust myself, I won't go. Those that know will understand and those that don't, wouldn't matter to me.
Just my $1.98 worth and YMMV.

Have a great day!

mikoss

I don't know as far as advice but I can say from experience that I just avoid the social situation entirely at least until I can figure out how to deal with anxiety in a social situation or other disorders going on in my head.

I can say that after the first relapse that I had it involved a social situation that I had to attend. I really didn't have a choice and had to make an appearance and it took every ounce of willpower to do it. I was so desperate for a drink before going to this event, but I took an anxiety pill instead and smoked something else beforehand and just let it ride as they say. I do not recommend this at all, since I am just speaking from my own experience of what happened afterwards. Then after this social event where I had to make an appearance I relapsed. I started drinking again right after this social gathering because I just needed some sort of relief afterwards I guess, but I don't know why I did it. It started with a margarita, then wine, and then vodka and cocaine in the mix as well and it all just went downhill.

And then hitting bottom shortly after was due to another social event with close friends. I ended up drinking heavily and doing cocaine heavily. And that ended up being really bad for me emotionally.

So I just avoid any social situations because I know it can get me into trouble and then I start drinking heavily. There are just too many influences and I know that at least for now I just have to avoid social situations and people that can influence me in a negative way to start drinking and doing substances again. I figure if I don't absolutely have to be somewhere or make an appearance then why put myself in a situation that could lead me to drink a lot. And then later on slowly after I work things out then maybe I can deal with certain social situations without leading down the wrong path.

Tinkerbeau

My experience of this is even the thought of a social situation will makeme so anxious i will normally relapse before the event and end up not going anyway. Most of these times had been nights out my work was organising. Even just stupid things like valentine's when i wish i had a partner to do something with sets me off.
my plan going forward is just to not even entertain idea of going out anywhere that would involve socializing. I know for most people this isn't practical but i have left my job and i have no friends, so for me for the next year i am going to completely shut off from any idea of a social life, I'm excepting that i am ill and treating my recovery as i would another illness, and even idea of a social life is out of question for me.

BackandScared

Congratulations! Glad to see you around.
I guess you should find a way to work around anxiety and social settings. Is this something you link to all social interactions or only those where alcohol is consumed?
If the latter, I would just avoid. There are plenty of activities and way of interacting socially where no alcohol is involved. Actually, I have discovered that most social events are alcohol free. There are lots of people out there (the majority) for whom alcohol is not at all a central feature of their life.

If you have an issue with social interactions in general, I would start getting myself some book on CBT (CBT for dummies) is quite good and follow some instructions to beat these fears. Staying alcohol free is your priority. Until you get some real tools to address the anxiety, I would avoid.

I believe that, as long as we do not allow drinking to enter the scenario as a possibility under any excuse, we manage to find alternatives.

My worst scenario for cravings so far has been airports. I travel a bit and every time this is a trigger. I feel very anxious/uncomfortable for days. I now go as late as possible to avoid unnecessary time at the airport; once there i walk around shops, avoid the pubs. I try to eat something beforehand but if I need to eat something I will buy from places where alcohol is not served. I set up my self a number of 'steps' I can walk within the airport within the time available..

My first airport experience was excruciating. Even if I was clear I was not going to drink, my anxiety was really bad. I have travelled at least once a month (at least 2 airports each time) for the past 7 months. Every time is a bit easier. But I had a plan and I used it.

fishkiller

I too get anxiety attacks.
When I 1st got them thought I was gonna die and ended up in the hospital a couple times thinking I was having a stroke or a heart attack.
Then finally my doctor told me what it was.

Ever since then I have been able to recognize them coming, realize what they are, and pretty much make them go away.

Not as easy as it sounds but it is all in your head.
Only way to get rid of them is to get in there and push them out.

I took medication for a while but that stuff put me in a very dark place.
I realize some people may need it but I will die a raving lunatic before I take any of that stuff again.

Good luck and remember it is all in your head. You have the power to control it believe it or not .

jr67

In my 7 weeks or so on SR I've posted about this a few times, so sorry for the repeat to those who have seen it before, but ...:

This may be longer term than "this weekend", kk1k5x, but I have been practicing mindfulness meditation, a secular take on Buddhist practices, for several years, and it has helped me achieve a relative calmness of mind, including calmness when I am faced with my longstanding issues of anxiety. The anxiety still arises, and I expect it always will, but my coping techniques are evolving.

Basically it just involves focusing on the breath, one in-breath and one out-breath at a time, and recognizing whatever intrusive thoughts and feelings compete with that awareness of the breath. The practice is not to fight off the thoughts and feelings -- that only adds to the tension by setting up a combative mindset. Just recognize the thoughts and feelings for what they are. Welcome them, even, (and thus disarm them?), because they are there anyway.

A key concept I came across that resonates with me is "Don't fear the fear." I understand that to mean that yes, there will be fears in my life and mind, I cannot will them out of existence. So there will be fears, but I will allow myself to feel them, and I will try not to amplify the problem by fearing the fear. Accept the fear, observe it, take practical steps to resolve that which is causing the fear if possible, and move on.

I think the above actually can help this minute, this hour, day, and weekend, kk, but for the longer haul I recommend writings of Jon Kabat-Zinn ("Full Catastrophe Living," "Wherever You Go, There You Are," "Coming To Our Senses," to name a few). And a shorter book specifically aimed towards anxiety that employs mindfulness meditation practices, which I go back to from time to time to reinforce its lessons: "Calming Your Anxious Mind," by Jeffrey Brantley, M.D., subtitled, "How mindfulness and compassion can free you from anxiety, fear, and panic."

Back to the short term for this weekend, if you must attend this stress-inducing event, and if by entering a "normal" social situation you mean that alcohol is being served, think of yourself as that person you used to know who was a drinker. S/he's not here today, sober kk1k5x is here, and no thank you, I'm good, this water (seltzer, coffee, tea, juice) is just fine.

kk1k5x

Thanks everyone

I'm actually at the place now and the people are nice and it's all very relaxed. It's not drinking related at all, i.e. I'm not worried I'll be in a situation where that would even come up (academic setting, and whilst others may want to have their wine and what not in the evenings, I'm simply not interested).

The issue I was talking about, primarily, yes, just focusess on social interaction in general. I always feel like I'm not cut out for it. When I get there, it's usually okay, or at least 'I'll survive' etc. But the feeling I get right before I have to get going to that place/to that event, is so energy-sapping and debilitating that it simply boggles my mind.

It's feeling like everyone else already knows one another. They know where to go, where to sit, what to say, how to be. And that I know none of those things. Believing that to be the case leaves me, in my head, to tender to some weirdo semi-stalker 'mute by appointment' image of myself.

When I came here, people had heard of me beforehand (this has never happened in a positive sense, usually people would have heard about some totally idiotic drinking event that graced with my ever inebriated presence). A person, my senior in an academic sense, greeted me with a handshake and said she's head a lot about me. My mind instantly went "well what the f has she heard, oh my god, I hope it's not horrible". Granted, none of them have any idea that I used to drink a lot, because I just met them or they've known of my existence for only a couple of months.

I blame all of this on the long-term effects of booze. It seems to still haunt me, because my default emotional setting in a social setting is "I've probably called half of these people assholes in a drunken stupor". Knowing full well that this is the first time I've met them....

fishkiller

Glad it's working out kk!
I once heard something that helps me,
worry is the waste of a good imagination.

DaisyBelle7

I’m glad the event went well. I don’t have anything to add that hasn’t already been said, but you’re not alone. I can relate to everything you said.

Anna

I think it's good that you're taking it slowly as you get back into social situations. You might find that simple breathing techniques will help to calm you.Take deep breaths. Inhale and exhale slowly. Belly-Breathing: Sit comfortably with shoulders, head and neck relaxed. Breath in slowly through your nose so that your stomach expands. Tighten stomach muscles, letting them fall inward as you exhale slowly through your mouth. This sounds simple, but it really helps.

Make sure you have an exit strategy so you don't feel trapped.

Fusion

Oh I'm glad you're now there and OK Kk. The fear is always worse than the actual event, I've found, too. Well done for attending, and overcoming your fear/anxiety!

kk1k5x

There was supposed to be an unstructured discussion tonight where I'm at. Everyone first gathered in the lobby, and then went to the pub. I just went outside for a cigarette and then returned to my work.

Isn't it weird that you somehow still get the sense of being left out, although the only thing you're doing is ...not poisoning yourself with alcohol?

Later on one of the others from the group came outside for a cigaratte as well, asked me where disappeared to. "Oh, I just don't go to pubs or bars" - "On principle?" - "Mhm, yup". Everything was cool and she said we'll meet at breakfast or another cigarette break. That made me feel good actually. I wasn't abnormal after all.

Derringer

Well done on getting through it all.

There are a lot of different ways to help break old patterns of thought.

Google them, listen on YouTube, buy books, attend seminars, download apps.

We've never had it so good, as alcoholics or just as humans in general.

Almost anything we want to learn is literally at our fingertips.

One thing I can assure you from experience is that if we don't make changes to the thoughts that govern our feelings, we are in a precarious situation, because our old solution to change the way we feel, booze, can so easily slide back in if we don't fill that gap, so to speak.

So that changes anything we want to learn to things we must learn, if we are to move forward in this journey away from alcohol.

Any relapse is always tied to a sufficient amount of built up and overwhelming 'feelings' but there are ways to sufficiently supplant those feelings, we just gotta learn how.

Dee74

I still get social anxiety - and most of the times, like you found with this one, these social occasions turn out just fine kk1k

I spent years thinking that I was broken because I felt anxiety - that was one of the reasons I turned to drinking in the first place.

Now I accept my anxiety - and in a weird way, that helps - because I'm who I am, and that needs no apology

Glad it was way better thn you feared

D