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Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 1,180
Originally Posted by soberly81 
Morning guys, I'm a bit overwhelmed (in a good way) with your support and kindness to my initial post, I thought someone might read it but your positive comments and generosity of giving your time to respond is very warming. I was reflecting last night on this struggle (with a cup of tea). I think for me when I start to feel better again I always convince myself that I'm not that bad, that 45-50 units isn't actually that much (and though I hate stereotypes, it's actually more common than not in Ireland which normalises it a bit) but the reality is it sad how I drink more than how much such was telling for me. I remember reading somewhere a line or two from a recovered alcoholic who said that it was only when he surrendered that he was able to win and regain control of his life. I understood it but didn't, until now I think. I feel (hope) I have surrendered to the fact that this is no longer an option, I can't pretend that after a while it will be fine and I can still enjoy the odd glass of wine.etc. the thought of having this problem with alcohol in my life forever, having to be en guard as it were for the rest of my life and not feel like a normal human who isn't bothered by this stuff made me feel like a failure and well very sad and angry with myself. It was a truth I couldn't bare to admit because then it would be true.
Whilst reflecting last night I guess I thought of it a different way. What if I had diabetes! If I did there is nothing I could do, it isn't going anywhere it's just there. I could ignore it, eat what I wanted, don't take meds etc and just carry on with life, but then it would make me very sick and I'd have a hypo, keep ending up in hospital, worrying my family or even end up dead. All I would have to do is accept it's in my life learn to.manage it as a chronic illness and I can have a perfect normal life without it bothering me. I guess this is how I am.seeing alcohol abuse, as a chronic illness. I can ignore it but it will keep biting me in the ass and destroying my life, or I can make room for it, accept it's there and so see my issue and begin to control it. Surrender the the acceptance of a problems presence allows us to see it and manage it I guess.
I'm also trying to think of all that sobriety gives me and the beauty I will enjoy rather than what a part of me feel like its losing. I say this because it is a loss, a little bit of me is grieving for the loss of what felt like a friend and confident, even though I know it was actually stabbing me in the back.
So that's my thought for the day. Easy at 9.33 am I guess, I'll check in at zero hours of 5-7 and we will see how reflective I am. Lol
take care
Joe
Whilst reflecting last night I guess I thought of it a different way. What if I had diabetes! If I did there is nothing I could do, it isn't going anywhere it's just there. I could ignore it, eat what I wanted, don't take meds etc and just carry on with life, but then it would make me very sick and I'd have a hypo, keep ending up in hospital, worrying my family or even end up dead. All I would have to do is accept it's in my life learn to.manage it as a chronic illness and I can have a perfect normal life without it bothering me. I guess this is how I am.seeing alcohol abuse, as a chronic illness. I can ignore it but it will keep biting me in the ass and destroying my life, or I can make room for it, accept it's there and so see my issue and begin to control it. Surrender the the acceptance of a problems presence allows us to see it and manage it I guess.
I'm also trying to think of all that sobriety gives me and the beauty I will enjoy rather than what a part of me feel like its losing. I say this because it is a loss, a little bit of me is grieving for the loss of what felt like a friend and confident, even though I know it was actually stabbing me in the back.
So that's my thought for the day. Easy at 9.33 am I guess, I'll check in at zero hours of 5-7 and we will see how reflective I am. Lol
take care
Joe
Anyway, sometimes that helps me to just switch it up in my head. This seemed like a long ramble, but hopefully you get my point. Either way, I think you're doing awesome!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Kerry, Ireland
Posts: 2,703
Hi Joe,
Welcome to SR and I understand the part about you thinking 50 units is "ok" We live on the same island and yes it's far more common for people to abuse alcohol here and think it is fine. At the end of the day, over a period of that time, that consumption is going to damage your health, life, relationships, etc and the thing is, addiction is progressive!
I went from probably drinking that amount (which is still 3 times the recommended volume here) to drinking well over 100 units a week, every week for years. You can save yourself a lot of trouble if you can quit and stay stopped now. Have you thought about meetings or counselling or anything face-face?
Welcome to SR and I understand the part about you thinking 50 units is "ok" We live on the same island and yes it's far more common for people to abuse alcohol here and think it is fine. At the end of the day, over a period of that time, that consumption is going to damage your health, life, relationships, etc and the thing is, addiction is progressive!
I went from probably drinking that amount (which is still 3 times the recommended volume here) to drinking well over 100 units a week, every week for years. You can save yourself a lot of trouble if you can quit and stay stopped now. Have you thought about meetings or counselling or anything face-face?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 9
Hey Reid, groups aren't for me for a variety of reasons. I've been in psychotherapy before after i lost my father so I have no problems with that. I have done a lot of reflective work and introspection before and I am.happy enough to do it again. I will see how I get on and can pursue that if I feel I need it. Like I say, I have no problems with therapy. I'm.not fan of aa as it feels a bit condemning to me, though that could be ignorance on my part, I just know.me and don't think it would work for me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 9
Also I hear what you are saying. My drinking has been stable at about 40-45 most weeks for like the last ten years but I'm lot naive enough to think that couldn't easily slip and increase, hence the attempt to can it now. I'm lucky in that many of my good friends and family don't drink, my wife hardly drinks and I'm going to be very busy with a new born. I kind of think now is the right time to kick it. Everything is pointing towards it being a good idea and it's not really giving anything other than a stress reliever. I hope and goal is that my child will never connect me to alcohol in their mind, as in she or he will only ever know me as a sober man and that alcohol is never really in their life from a family perspective
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Soberly, you are very wise to tackle this problem now instead of when the baby arrives. You're giving your wife and baby a precious gift.
Be aware that your brain, and possibly your body, have grown dependent on alcohol for dealing with stress. Stress could include hunger, thirst, anxiety, tiredness, not just a busy day. When you feel a strong craving think about what has brought it on and address that. I found eating snacks was really useful, especially when I had just left work, or in the evening. I also used an instant relaxation exercise that never failed me of 5 deep breaths, concentrating on the body.
As you've probably found out, you can relapse over the silliest transitory stresses that will pass quickly. A bit of knowledge can be super helpful.
Be aware that your brain, and possibly your body, have grown dependent on alcohol for dealing with stress. Stress could include hunger, thirst, anxiety, tiredness, not just a busy day. When you feel a strong craving think about what has brought it on and address that. I found eating snacks was really useful, especially when I had just left work, or in the evening. I also used an instant relaxation exercise that never failed me of 5 deep breaths, concentrating on the body.
As you've probably found out, you can relapse over the silliest transitory stresses that will pass quickly. A bit of knowledge can be super helpful.
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,665
Hi Joe, pleased you’re joining us on the sober road.
I’d tried to get sober for a long time but thought after a little while...I’ve got this, I can control it, be like a normie.
It never ended that way for me though...one drink was never enough.
I finally decided..that’s it...I don’t drink anymore. Wow that was so empowering. Then the next bit was harder....how do I do that? How can I stay sober.
Fortunately I found SR and learnt and read and eventually it became the norm not to drink.
I’m sure with your positive approach you can do the same.
All the best with your wife’s scan today.
I’d tried to get sober for a long time but thought after a little while...I’ve got this, I can control it, be like a normie.
It never ended that way for me though...one drink was never enough.
I finally decided..that’s it...I don’t drink anymore. Wow that was so empowering. Then the next bit was harder....how do I do that? How can I stay sober.
Fortunately I found SR and learnt and read and eventually it became the norm not to drink.
I’m sure with your positive approach you can do the same.
All the best with your wife’s scan today.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
Originally Posted by soberly81
My drinking has been stable at about 40-45 most weeks for like the last ten years but I'm lot naive enough to think that couldn't easily slip and increase, hence the attempt to can it now.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,157
Originally Posted by AAPJ
Hi Joe - Another thought for your consideration. Many of us have mentioned the risk of your drinking increasing as time goes on and that is certainly a possible outcome if you do not quit. But here is another factor to consider. I think you said that you are 38 today. Let's say that you drink alcohol for another 10 years but you stay at the same rate of 40-45 units a week. I can assure you that over time your body will react negatively to the pounding from the alcohol. Even at a constant rate of consumption your body/organs are hurting and it will become more noticeable as each year passes. The impact is cumulative. At least that was my experience.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
The 20 week scan is really cool, soberly; it is amazing how much you can ‘see’. Hope all goes well.
Alcoholism is progressive; for alcoholics, those 50 units increase in time (sometimes alarmingly quickly). You would be doing yourself an enormous favor by quitting now - even greatly increasing the odds for clean scans for yourself in the future!
Go soberly. It is life giving and lifesaving.
Alcoholism is progressive; for alcoholics, those 50 units increase in time (sometimes alarmingly quickly). You would be doing yourself an enormous favor by quitting now - even greatly increasing the odds for clean scans for yourself in the future!
Go soberly. It is life giving and lifesaving.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,100
Like you, Joe, I tried to moderate for many years. I did have some "successful" periods. But I eventually realized that the mental energy I was putting into moderating was draining me emotionally. Moderating is like you're either drinking, wanting to drink, anticipating drinking, wishing you could drink, etc.
Sobriety is more like freedom to move on to other things.
At 50 days I'm getting into the groove of sobriety.
You have a baby on the way, what an exciting time. As for me, my baby just turned 18. I thought I was doing a great job at hiding it from her as she grew up but I was a fool. Trust me, you don't want to be leaning on alcohol with the stresses of having a new baby.
You got this!
Sobriety is more like freedom to move on to other things.
At 50 days I'm getting into the groove of sobriety.
You have a baby on the way, what an exciting time. As for me, my baby just turned 18. I thought I was doing a great job at hiding it from her as she grew up but I was a fool. Trust me, you don't want to be leaning on alcohol with the stresses of having a new baby.
You got this!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,582
You are going to make a great Dad, Joe. Wish my dad had made same decision as yourself. 
My belief is that consumption can increase with time, but also might remain stable at 40-50 units a week. Remaining 'stable' at this level of consumption is going to hammer your body eventually, over time, irrespective.
I'm really glad you arrived here Joe. It's a great place to share, and learn.
A billabong is a bit like a lake. A beautiful pool of water, where people can sit, contemplate, and talk. Just like here, in a way.
Welcome Joe.
My belief is that consumption can increase with time, but also might remain stable at 40-50 units a week. Remaining 'stable' at this level of consumption is going to hammer your body eventually, over time, irrespective.
I'm really glad you arrived here Joe. It's a great place to share, and learn.
A billabong is a bit like a lake. A beautiful pool of water, where people can sit, contemplate, and talk. Just like here, in a way.
Welcome Joe.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 9
Hello all
Just checking in, all going well with staying off booze and still dry. Just to clarify, I have no intention of moderating my drinking, I have already made a decision to quit for a variety of reasons. Whilst my drinking pattern has remained fairly consistent for a long time, I'm not quitting because I'm afraid of it getting worse, I'm quitting because I don't like it's presence in my life or it's impact on me.
thanks for the kind comments about fatherhood, unfortunately our 20 week scan came back showing our baby has a cleft lip, possibly palate. Right now we are awaiting an appointment with a fetal medicine consultant to discuss what this will mean and also to see what we can do to find out about possible chromosomal syndromes which may be associated. We are hoping it's just a cleft which is very repairable and shouldn't have too much of an impact. Stressful times for us, but oddly it makes alcohol take a back seat. Not as in a back seat staying off it but more, I'm not even considering drinking or have any cravings to have a drink because I have more important things to think about. It's like screw you alcohol I have a family to look out for.
Just checking in, all going well with staying off booze and still dry. Just to clarify, I have no intention of moderating my drinking, I have already made a decision to quit for a variety of reasons. Whilst my drinking pattern has remained fairly consistent for a long time, I'm not quitting because I'm afraid of it getting worse, I'm quitting because I don't like it's presence in my life or it's impact on me.
thanks for the kind comments about fatherhood, unfortunately our 20 week scan came back showing our baby has a cleft lip, possibly palate. Right now we are awaiting an appointment with a fetal medicine consultant to discuss what this will mean and also to see what we can do to find out about possible chromosomal syndromes which may be associated. We are hoping it's just a cleft which is very repairable and shouldn't have too much of an impact. Stressful times for us, but oddly it makes alcohol take a back seat. Not as in a back seat staying off it but more, I'm not even considering drinking or have any cravings to have a drink because I have more important things to think about. It's like screw you alcohol I have a family to look out for.
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,665
Joe, good for staying sober! You have such a positive attitude with your wife’s scan. Hopefully once you have both spoken with the consultant your stress may be eased slightly, finding more information of what is available for baby. Sending love to you and your wife and family. 
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
Hi Joe
One of my best friends was born with a cleft palate - had great parents and good friends so it never really bothered him too much - but he did have corrective surgery as a teen.
Just wanted to share that
All the best to you your wife and the bub D
One of my best friends was born with a cleft palate - had great parents and good friends so it never really bothered him too much - but he did have corrective surgery as a teen.
Just wanted to share that
All the best to you your wife and the bub D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
I am sorry to hear the news about your baby, soberly. Like Dee, I had a friend with a cleft lip; it was barely noticeable after repair and that repair was many decades ago. Medicine has made so many advancements; my belief and my prayer is that your little one will be just fine.
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