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Entertaining.

Old 02-16-2020, 03:01 PM
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Entertaining.

I really miss having friends and neighbours around to my house for dinner parties or cosy evenings in. I am fine going to other peoples homes with them drinking and me not, pub lunches etc. But can't cope with the idea of wine/beer open in my own home as I found out when I invited people around New Years Eve and ended up drinking for the first time in 5 months. For instance, it was horrible weather this weekend and this would have been a time when I would have put out a spontaneous call to my neighbours to pop around for a toasty evening around the fire. I don't miss the alcohol itself but I do miss this (although I assume that I must miss alcohol a little or it would be a non-issue surely?).

Everyone I know drinks socially, not problem drinkers, but practically all of them would think it most odd to be invited to someone's house in the evening and not be offered alcohol/or to bring alcohol. I know that I could do other events such as brunch but this is not the same as having evenings in with friends. I have my own routines that I do in the daytimes on the weekends such as classes and dog walks anyway. If I were to invite people around in the evening and say no booze allowed this would essentially owning that this is an issue for me which I am not prepared to do. Everyone knows I have quit drinking but I make really light of it.

I am sure that I cannot be the only one with this issue. I hope with time that I might be able to just say to friends, I am not drinking or offering alcohol but you are welcome to bring your own. But I feel a long way off from this point yet.

I am wondering how others deal with it?
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Old 02-16-2020, 03:18 PM
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Well, I don't keep alcohol in the house and we never serve alcohol here. It's important to me to keep it that way. I'm seldom around alcohol. I don't mind being at someone's house where wine is offered at dinner, but I don't want that in my home.

I had to make lifestyle changes. I love doing brunch and I make great waffles. Brunch can often be followed by a walk on the nearby beach.

I think you're in a place where you might need to make some hard decisions. It seems that New Year's Eve showed you that inviting people over for an evening is not a great idea. Are you ready to embrace change? I hope so.
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Old 02-16-2020, 04:09 PM
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Tough situation. But I think you know in your heart of hearts what the answer is.
I have a friend who drives me to the grocery store once in a while. When he does, I go to a liquor store and buy him a six pack.
He drinks a few here. I've been sober over eleven years.

It's funny. Even though we used to drink together, he never knew the extent of my drinking and I was telling him today in very graphic terms how I was at the end.
It was a little weird because he still drinks a lot.

Anyway, you know yourself better than anyone else. I would go with my gut feeling.
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Old 02-16-2020, 04:43 PM
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Thank you Anna and Ghostlight1.

What I hear you both saying to me is acceptance. It is what it is for now. In the future, it may be different but for now I may need to accept that life has changed and find a way to embrace that.
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Old 02-16-2020, 05:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Lucinda2 View Post
Thank you Anna and Ghostlight1.

What I hear you both saying to me is acceptance. It is what it is for now. In the future, it may be different but for now I may need to accept that life has changed and find a way to embrace that.
Yes!!
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Old 02-16-2020, 05:31 PM
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When I'm out with others I expect people might drink and like you thats no worries for me now Lucinda.

Like Anna my house is dry and everyone who comes here respects that.

I did lose a few friends over the no alcohol rule - 'who are you to tell me what to do' - but my response was and is - if I can't feel safe and secure in my own house where can I?

That was unfortunate but I gained a lot of new friends since I've been sober too and reconnected with some old ones.

Its teetotal but never a gloomy gathering tho - lots of fun to be had

D
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Old 02-16-2020, 05:51 PM
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Hmmm.....that is an interesting thought, Dee. I just 'put it out there' and see what happens.

My closest friends (who don't know how big a thing this is to me because I have chosen not to tell them) do, however, know that I caved after 5 months of not drinking when I allowed them to drink in my house NYE. So that in itself is enough, I was not able to stick to my not drinking plan with alcohol in the house, therefore going forward no alcohol in the house. I can tell them that much without any soul-baring.

As for my neighbours and other friends, I guess I don't have to make it a big deal. I just invite them and tell them that my house is now an alcohol-free zone and see what happens. Again most of them have gleaned by now that I am not drinking so it is not such a big leap from me not drinking, to my house is an alcohol-free zone. Who knows some of them might even be glad that socialising with me no longer involves getting caned and giant hangovers.

Maybe I can ease folk into this idea gently with some brunches first.

Thank you. This is helpful.
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Old 02-16-2020, 06:12 PM
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When I had a little sober time, there was still no way I could go into a liquor store or have a friend drink in my place. That took years.
I think you're putting too much emphasis on what others will think about you having a dry home or that you're not drinking.
I was pleasantly surprised when I just flat out told people I quit drinking.
Anyone who new me knew I was a heavy drinker, too.
Their reaction was like, "Oh". How's so and so?
Believe it or not other people's lives don't revolve around how much we drink.

Try not to worry about what might happen. I think you're on the right track, though.
Get comfortable in your own skin about not drinking before you have a party or announce to the world you're sober would be my advice.
I hope you are pleasantly surprised
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Old 02-16-2020, 06:37 PM
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I have tried for almost a year now to be “normal” at boozy parties, lunches, dinners etc. It does not work for me. I am bored, I creep into my shell and I can’t wait to leave. I am slowly accepting that that part of normal will never be easy for me.
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Old 02-17-2020, 10:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Ghostlight1 View Post
When I had a little sober time, there was still no way I could go into a liquor store or have a friend drink in my place. That took years.
I think you're putting too much emphasis on what others will think about you having a dry home or that you're not drinking.
I was pleasantly surprised when I just flat out told people I quit drinking.
Anyone who new me knew I was a heavy drinker, too.
Their reaction was like, "Oh". How's so and so?
Believe it or not other people's lives don't revolve around how much we drink.

Try not to worry about what might happen. I think you're on the right track, though.
Get comfortable in your own skin about not drinking before you have a party or announce to the world you're sober would be my advice.
I hope you are pleasantly surprised
Thanks, Ghostlight1. Your post puts it in perspective for me that it is still early days. Pretty much everyone knows that I am not drinking now so that is cool but what they don't know is what a big thing this has been for me. You are right this is a bigger deal in my head than anyone else's, although some of my closer friends definitely took a while to adapt to the change in our relationships. But the wider world not so bothered. Up until around 10 years ago, I wasn't really a drinker myself and never really thought anything about it, so your post has made me stop and think about this. It wasn't a big deal in my head then, so you are right - I am overthinking it.
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Old 02-17-2020, 10:27 AM
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Acceptance of my alcoholism was/is always so important for my recovery. Many can drink alcohol and have a nice time; impossible for me. Surround yourself with like minded people if at all possible.
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Old 02-17-2020, 11:23 AM
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My opinion is that you are missing the alcohol that came with these occasions. You cannot replace this. You must mourn the loss. Some people with our addiction problem can have alcohol at home, invite others and serve them wine. None of us can drink it though.

All of us have given up situations/friends/moments/relationships/memories. They may differ but alcohol was absolutely central to our lives; it became so important that we had to give it up.

I am sure part of your 'hosting' memories are also dreadful and you don't want to go back there. Still, you cannot have something you cherished that was linked to alcohol without suffering the loss of it.

I try to think of it as I see my past as a runner who could finish 10 km in 40 minutes. It will not happen again. I may finish a 10 km but it will be much longer and more painful and less fun.

Being sober has many positive aspects but it does not replicate alcohol experience that were nice to us.
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Old 02-17-2020, 12:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Callas View Post
I have tried for almost a year now to be “normal” at boozy parties, lunches, dinners etc. It does not work for me. I am bored, I creep into my shell and I can’t wait to leave. I am slowly accepting that that part of normal will never be easy for me.
Thank you Callas, it is all a learning curve and change for sure. I guess change is often uncomfortable but comes out alright in the end.
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Old 02-17-2020, 12:46 PM
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Originally Posted by brighterday1234 View Post
Acceptance of my alcoholism was/is always so important for my recovery. Many can drink alcohol and have a nice time; impossible for me. Surround yourself with like minded people if at all possible.
Yes, maybe I will need to branch out a bit Brighterday. Thank you
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Old 02-17-2020, 12:54 PM
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Originally Posted by BackandScared View Post
My opinion is that you are missing the alcohol that came with these occasions. You cannot replace this. You must mourn the loss. Some people with our addiction problem can have alcohol at home, invite others and serve them wine. None of us can drink it though.

All of us have given up situations/friends/moments/relationships/memories. They may differ but alcohol was absolutely central to our lives; it became so important that we had to give it up.

I am sure part of your 'hosting' memories are also dreadful and you don't want to go back there. Still, you cannot have something you cherished that was linked to alcohol without suffering the loss of it.

I try to think of it as I see my past as a runner who could finish 10 km in 40 minutes. It will not happen again. I may finish a 10 km but it will be much longer and more painful and less fun.

Being sober has many positive aspects but it does not replicate alcohol experience that were nice to us.
I think you might be something in what you say BackandScared. Maybe I need to take a look at how honest I am being with myself.

I like your analogy. It made me smile. Thank you.
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Old 02-17-2020, 01:00 PM
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You are definitely not the only one with this issue. I think I am the only one of my friends and family that doesn't drink. I don't get asked to go out much anymore because they are usually going to a bar. It sucks sometimes but I make myself remember the "day after" feeling and that gets me through the temptations. We still serve alcohol in our house because my husband still drinks. It's been a challenge and a lot of self talk but I am over 2 years sober and that makes me proud. I miss the fun silly times but I do not miss the hangovers, shame, anxiety and guilt.
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Old 02-17-2020, 03:25 PM
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If you can serve alcohol in your home without drinking, then there is no problem, but it's a rare alcoholic that could do that, especially in early recovery. It is most definitely a high risk situation for most of us. For some it's a guaranteed relapse. You will give things up in recovery. That's pretty much a given.
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Old 02-17-2020, 03:33 PM
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You are only one of your friends and family that doesn't drink - wow, right there sums it up Ladybug. Years ago I had an opioid addiction, I quit using and cut dead all connections. That was easy. 'Normal' people don't run around shooting up heroin. But with alcohol, it is very different. I am lucky too because I it didnt take me too long to relax with the social stuff out and about. I can be just as much of an a**hole sober as drunk and can still party. So I guess I can be grateful for that. It is really only at home, outside my house my life hasnt changed much. There is the odd social situation I decline, such as fancy French restaurants that I know are going to be as much about the wine list as food. But overall I still do everything as before. I will count my blessings. Your post gives me hope Ladybug66 and you have done terrifically well. Strong. Definitely a lot to be proud about there.
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Old 02-17-2020, 03:39 PM
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Originally Posted by DriGuy View Post
If you can serve alcohol in your home without drinking, then there is no problem, but it's a rare alcoholic that could do that, especially in early recovery. It is most definitely a high risk situation for most of us. For some it's a guaranteed relapse. You will give things up in recovery. That's pretty much a given.
Thank you for this, DriGuy. I worry about my commitment to not drinking when I feel wobbly about the thought of serving alcohol in my home. I mean if I am committed to never drinking then why would this even be an issue right. But your post tells me that maybe this is just normal for anyone that has struggled with alcohol addiction and not a reflection on my commitment. This is re-assuring.
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Old 02-17-2020, 06:33 PM
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I've found this shifts with time. In early recovery I had to keep it out of the house, and I found people drinking annoying. After a couple of years I didn't care anymore. My family all drink, and I wanted to spend time with them. I wanted them to visit. Friends, too. Most drink, and a lot of them smoke weed. I no longer mind people drinking when I go out, say, to eat or see a band. What was once annoying has become maybe humorous or sometimes a little sad. The past few years I've had beer or wine in the house for weeks at a time because guests would bring a six pack or a bottle to a dinner party and leave it if they hadn't been opened. I'm not tempted. I just keep it until a guest visits and wants a drink. This may sound odd, but the bottom line is people drink. People get high. And most of these people are employed, maybe educated, not even on probation! Lol. All that said, I no longer invite people over who I suspect will get ridiculous, whether due to alcohol or other drugs or not (well, save some family members, but I'm free to tell them to shut the freak up or go to bed). People tend to behave around me, though. I respect them. They respect me. The longer I'm sober the more irrelevant alcohol and other drugs have become. I don't drink. Period. And take that smoke outside, please. The rest is just the ever-bouncing vibration of existence...
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