How do I say goodbye?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 2
How do I say goodbye?
I never thought I would be somewhere like here, but I've decided to throw all my fears of vulnerability out the window, at least for tonight. I guess I can open up to strangers, right?
My dad is an alcoholic. He is also dying.
I just turned 19, I work and go to school full time, and I moved out of home at 17. My father could barely take care of himself let alone me so here I am today doing anything I can to continue my quest for self-sufficiency, but now he's dying, and I don't know how to be anymore. I'm afraid that I'm being selfish. I'm afraid that he will die before I get a chance to tell him that I'm scared for him, that I worry for his safety, that my heart aches anytime I hear someone speak negatively of him. And maybe that I love him.
When I was four, I immigrated to the U.S. Before that I lived with my mother and older brother. Every day before bed I prayed to Jesus and asked him to send me to see my daddy. I hadn't seen the man since I was an infant but every part of me longed for him. I guess it worked because I am here today. Only at four years old when I begged every night to see my father, I didn't realize I would have to leave behind my mother and brother too. Gods got a funny way of working, huh? When I got here, I worshipped the ground he walked on. I loved him. I wanted to do everything he did and go wherever he went. He knew this all too well. The first few years were good. I loved him with every bit of me and was too young to realize his habits. But when I was in the sixth grade, he lost his job. At this point, I was old enough to realize he had a problem, but I had been ignoring it for so long out of my love for him or maybe I was in denial just as he was, but then things got worse. I grew weary of making his meals, cleaning up his blood, and hearing his hurtful words. I grew up with his drunk friends over every night but now he could barely afford to throw his infamous parties. My father amounted to nothing. No friends, no job, no wife, no son, only a daughter that was beginning to hate him.
When I started high school, my mom got a visa and was able to visit. I saw her and my brother for the first time in 10 years. Though they knew of his habits and cheating they never realized the extent until they came and even then, there was so much they didn't know. I still loved him. He's my father after all. But then my mother realized she could no longer take his cheating or drinking. For years all he amounted to was a sad man that slept on the couch of his parent's house, except when he'd go on a six-month bender. He drank daily and only got up to do one of three things: 1. go to the liquor store. 2. buy lottery tickets. 3. steal/beg for money. But things got worse when he realized my mother no longer loved him.
4. threaten to kill my mother as I stand in front of him and he swings his machete in front of my face.
5. threaten to kill me.
6. retreat to his couch when my grandmother steps in between.
Around this time, I had spent so long trying to have a conversation with him. I begged him to change. I explained how he's hurt me and how much I wanted things to get better. It always ended with him blaming everyone else and never admitting he's done anything wrong. Then this happened. We stopped speaking. I didn't have a conversation with him for four years.
One day last November as I was turning the keys in my apartment door, I get a call from my grandmother. He was completely out of himself and she needed someone to take him to the hospital. He took the garbage in and out of the house again and again. He didn't know anyone, who he was, or where he was. When I got to the house, he was naked and irrational. He wouldn't listen to my brother and yelled at anyone that spoke to him. But he listened to me. I coaxed him for an hour and somehow managed to get him to the ER. The cirrhosis of his liver had made him completely delirious. I spent the whole night in the hospital with him. His anger eventually faded, and he turned into a laughing child. I spoke to him. I told him how I felt, even if it was like talking to a six-year-old. The next day I visited him, and he was no longer confused and delirious. He didn't remember a thing. He apologized.
He actually apologized. We talked. Small talk and a bit of the past. I didn't and still don't know how to feel about it.
When he was discharged, he suddenly thought we were best friends and that all sins were forgiven. He'd show up at my apartment unannounced asking for money as though we hadn't gone four years without talking. I just nod my head and give him what he wants to make him leave. He was in the hospital again last week. This time he's really going to die. His organs are barely functioning. I'm not satisfied with our conversation. There is so much that hasn't been said. If he died tomorrow, I would be a wreak. I always knew it would crush me but now that it’s a reality I'm terrified of leaving so much unsaid. I'm terrified of not saying goodbye, but I don't know where or how to start or if I even should. I thought that I'd just research it and figure it out but there's no manual on saying goodbye to your dying alcoholic father. Please help me. I'm so scared. I know I've spent my whole life pretending like I was tough and capable of dealing with everything, but I am terrified, and I don't know where else to go.
If you've listened to me thus far, thank you. It is more than I can ask for and that I have received.
My dad is an alcoholic. He is also dying.
I just turned 19, I work and go to school full time, and I moved out of home at 17. My father could barely take care of himself let alone me so here I am today doing anything I can to continue my quest for self-sufficiency, but now he's dying, and I don't know how to be anymore. I'm afraid that I'm being selfish. I'm afraid that he will die before I get a chance to tell him that I'm scared for him, that I worry for his safety, that my heart aches anytime I hear someone speak negatively of him. And maybe that I love him.
When I was four, I immigrated to the U.S. Before that I lived with my mother and older brother. Every day before bed I prayed to Jesus and asked him to send me to see my daddy. I hadn't seen the man since I was an infant but every part of me longed for him. I guess it worked because I am here today. Only at four years old when I begged every night to see my father, I didn't realize I would have to leave behind my mother and brother too. Gods got a funny way of working, huh? When I got here, I worshipped the ground he walked on. I loved him. I wanted to do everything he did and go wherever he went. He knew this all too well. The first few years were good. I loved him with every bit of me and was too young to realize his habits. But when I was in the sixth grade, he lost his job. At this point, I was old enough to realize he had a problem, but I had been ignoring it for so long out of my love for him or maybe I was in denial just as he was, but then things got worse. I grew weary of making his meals, cleaning up his blood, and hearing his hurtful words. I grew up with his drunk friends over every night but now he could barely afford to throw his infamous parties. My father amounted to nothing. No friends, no job, no wife, no son, only a daughter that was beginning to hate him.
When I started high school, my mom got a visa and was able to visit. I saw her and my brother for the first time in 10 years. Though they knew of his habits and cheating they never realized the extent until they came and even then, there was so much they didn't know. I still loved him. He's my father after all. But then my mother realized she could no longer take his cheating or drinking. For years all he amounted to was a sad man that slept on the couch of his parent's house, except when he'd go on a six-month bender. He drank daily and only got up to do one of three things: 1. go to the liquor store. 2. buy lottery tickets. 3. steal/beg for money. But things got worse when he realized my mother no longer loved him.
4. threaten to kill my mother as I stand in front of him and he swings his machete in front of my face.
5. threaten to kill me.
6. retreat to his couch when my grandmother steps in between.
Around this time, I had spent so long trying to have a conversation with him. I begged him to change. I explained how he's hurt me and how much I wanted things to get better. It always ended with him blaming everyone else and never admitting he's done anything wrong. Then this happened. We stopped speaking. I didn't have a conversation with him for four years.
One day last November as I was turning the keys in my apartment door, I get a call from my grandmother. He was completely out of himself and she needed someone to take him to the hospital. He took the garbage in and out of the house again and again. He didn't know anyone, who he was, or where he was. When I got to the house, he was naked and irrational. He wouldn't listen to my brother and yelled at anyone that spoke to him. But he listened to me. I coaxed him for an hour and somehow managed to get him to the ER. The cirrhosis of his liver had made him completely delirious. I spent the whole night in the hospital with him. His anger eventually faded, and he turned into a laughing child. I spoke to him. I told him how I felt, even if it was like talking to a six-year-old. The next day I visited him, and he was no longer confused and delirious. He didn't remember a thing. He apologized.
He actually apologized. We talked. Small talk and a bit of the past. I didn't and still don't know how to feel about it.
When he was discharged, he suddenly thought we were best friends and that all sins were forgiven. He'd show up at my apartment unannounced asking for money as though we hadn't gone four years without talking. I just nod my head and give him what he wants to make him leave. He was in the hospital again last week. This time he's really going to die. His organs are barely functioning. I'm not satisfied with our conversation. There is so much that hasn't been said. If he died tomorrow, I would be a wreak. I always knew it would crush me but now that it’s a reality I'm terrified of leaving so much unsaid. I'm terrified of not saying goodbye, but I don't know where or how to start or if I even should. I thought that I'd just research it and figure it out but there's no manual on saying goodbye to your dying alcoholic father. Please help me. I'm so scared. I know I've spent my whole life pretending like I was tough and capable of dealing with everything, but I am terrified, and I don't know where else to go.
If you've listened to me thus far, thank you. It is more than I can ask for and that I have received.
Free at last!
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 52
Hi howtosavealife
I am so very sorry about what you have had to endure in your young life. Alcoholism is terrible and it is very important that you get help for yourself above everybody else. There is al - anon and also a sub board on here for family and friends. Keep posting and people with experience will help you.
I am so very sorry about what you have had to endure in your young life. Alcoholism is terrible and it is very important that you get help for yourself above everybody else. There is al - anon and also a sub board on here for family and friends. Keep posting and people with experience will help you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,425
Thank you for sharing your story. There is a healing strength that comes from telling your story and hearing the stories of others. You will find support here.
It sounds like you've tried to help, but your father chose his own path.
My father has never drank much to speak of, I have the distinction of being the alcoholic of the family, but we have never had an open channel of communication. Same with my kid, if I ask him about his friends or girls you would think I was trying to pull an eye tooth. Just the way these things go I guess.
Please continue to give us updates as we will be worried about you.
It sounds like you've tried to help, but your father chose his own path.
My father has never drank much to speak of, I have the distinction of being the alcoholic of the family, but we have never had an open channel of communication. Same with my kid, if I ask him about his friends or girls you would think I was trying to pull an eye tooth. Just the way these things go I guess.
Please continue to give us updates as we will be worried about you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 2,576
Thank you for sharing your story. It was a tough one to read, and even tougher for you to type, of that I am sure.
Alcoholics are so hard to watch and so hard to love. I lost my step father to alcoholism. Although he was not my real father, he was the closest to a dad I ever had.
On his deathbead, at the hospital, dying of liver cirrhosis, we had the unfortunate opportunity to meet the woman he had been having a 12 year affair with. It was devestating, and so hard to forgive. Active alcoholics do horrific things to their families that have lasting effects.
My mother was stoic, but she died a short 18 months later, due to her own alcoholism. After years of neglecting her children, and watching many years of unspeakable behavior, I was left to grieve them both.
Months of therapy. Many months to untangle all of what I lived through is the only thing that helped me.
You are very brave to share this. I could not talk about it, but now it is the very thing that heals me all of these years later.
It is worth noting, my biological father killed himself when I was a small child, as a side effect of untreated alcoholism.
We say goodbye because we have to. We try not to pick up these same addictions(I failed at first, but am now in recovery). We forgive them. Not for them, for us, because we have too.They are sick. We do everything we can to not be like them, and then we share our story, and hope against hope, that it can help someone else so that our suffering is not in vain. And, we survive.Not because of them, but despite them, because..you guesssed it..we have to.
I am so sorry you are hurting. I am also sorry for your mother and brother. I wish you peace, and a peaceful ending for your father.
You will be strong, and you will survive, because you have too. You are much too young for all of this, please do not let this define you or crush your spirit. I can read you have a beautiful soul. You are not alone.
Alcoholics are so hard to watch and so hard to love. I lost my step father to alcoholism. Although he was not my real father, he was the closest to a dad I ever had.
On his deathbead, at the hospital, dying of liver cirrhosis, we had the unfortunate opportunity to meet the woman he had been having a 12 year affair with. It was devestating, and so hard to forgive. Active alcoholics do horrific things to their families that have lasting effects.
My mother was stoic, but she died a short 18 months later, due to her own alcoholism. After years of neglecting her children, and watching many years of unspeakable behavior, I was left to grieve them both.
Months of therapy. Many months to untangle all of what I lived through is the only thing that helped me.
You are very brave to share this. I could not talk about it, but now it is the very thing that heals me all of these years later.
It is worth noting, my biological father killed himself when I was a small child, as a side effect of untreated alcoholism.
We say goodbye because we have to. We try not to pick up these same addictions(I failed at first, but am now in recovery). We forgive them. Not for them, for us, because we have too.They are sick. We do everything we can to not be like them, and then we share our story, and hope against hope, that it can help someone else so that our suffering is not in vain. And, we survive.Not because of them, but despite them, because..you guesssed it..we have to.
I am so sorry you are hurting. I am also sorry for your mother and brother. I wish you peace, and a peaceful ending for your father.
You will be strong, and you will survive, because you have too. You are much too young for all of this, please do not let this define you or crush your spirit. I can read you have a beautiful soul. You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 743
It's ok to be terrified from time to time. You just can't get overwhelmed by it. Fear is natural it keeps us from walking out in traffic. It gets toxic when you get overwhelmed by it. The way I see it anxiety is the opposite of trust in God. It's a big part of why I drank.
Now i could be wrong, I've only read a few paragraphs of what you've posted. I've lived a lot of life. I'm 45 years old, was a functioning alcoholic for decades, and could be a bit of a junkie when drinking. I've seen situations with much of the characteristics like yours up close and personal.
You are far tougher than you know. You've been forced to do so. Maybe you took responsibility for preparing your meals and getting to school on time. Possibly tried to get your father to get up and go to work. You have likely had an adult mentality for a long time. There are probably so many little things you have had to do. Things that seem totally insignificant that have developed your growth. You actually have a huge advantage over most kids your age.
You still have a built in loyalty to your Father. Many daughters would have said the heck with this long ago. It sounds like you are a high quality woman. What scares me about you is that you won't understand your value and sell yourself short. I've seen this movie play out before. I've seen it go real bad, I've sen it go real good. Beware of the kind of people you come across as adult. There are many snakes that may try and take advantage of a kind person like you. Recognize these characteristics in people you come across as adult.
You prayed to Jesus before, why not try that again. I think so far you've done all you can for your Father. Try your other Father. Maybe some alone time with the Lord is what you need to figure this out. You are stronger than you know.
Now i could be wrong, I've only read a few paragraphs of what you've posted. I've lived a lot of life. I'm 45 years old, was a functioning alcoholic for decades, and could be a bit of a junkie when drinking. I've seen situations with much of the characteristics like yours up close and personal.
You are far tougher than you know. You've been forced to do so. Maybe you took responsibility for preparing your meals and getting to school on time. Possibly tried to get your father to get up and go to work. You have likely had an adult mentality for a long time. There are probably so many little things you have had to do. Things that seem totally insignificant that have developed your growth. You actually have a huge advantage over most kids your age.
You still have a built in loyalty to your Father. Many daughters would have said the heck with this long ago. It sounds like you are a high quality woman. What scares me about you is that you won't understand your value and sell yourself short. I've seen this movie play out before. I've seen it go real bad, I've sen it go real good. Beware of the kind of people you come across as adult. There are many snakes that may try and take advantage of a kind person like you. Recognize these characteristics in people you come across as adult.
You prayed to Jesus before, why not try that again. I think so far you've done all you can for your Father. Try your other Father. Maybe some alone time with the Lord is what you need to figure this out. You are stronger than you know.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 2,576
I tried to get back in to edit my post...
Your original question, as to how to say goodbye, you can hold his hand and tell him that you love him. In my experience, clearing my mind of all of the bad stuff was not helpful, and haunted me later.
I did find peace that my step fathers suffering was coming to a close. In his case, he was in the hospital for weeks. Allow yourself to feel all that you are feeling. I am sure that he loves you.
Goodbye never seems to be a once in done. It is a process, and it wont always hurt this bad. Just know that.
Your original question, as to how to say goodbye, you can hold his hand and tell him that you love him. In my experience, clearing my mind of all of the bad stuff was not helpful, and haunted me later.
I did find peace that my step fathers suffering was coming to a close. In his case, he was in the hospital for weeks. Allow yourself to feel all that you are feeling. I am sure that he loves you.
Goodbye never seems to be a once in done. It is a process, and it wont always hurt this bad. Just know that.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,160
Wow life so sorry you lived through this.
I really don't know how to handle this situation but wanted to say you are a very strong person. Do whatever feels right to you.
I have always read we forgive people for ourselves not them.
I really don't know how to handle this situation but wanted to say you are a very strong person. Do whatever feels right to you.
I have always read we forgive people for ourselves not them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Germany
Posts: 210
This is an enormous burden on your young shoulders, I feel terribly sorry for all you went through. You ask how do you say goodbye. I was thinking about that for the last years, my father's story was very similar. With the difference that I refused to say goodbye to him in the hospital when my brothers called me. I am not proud of that.
Forget what he is today, bid farewell to the father you once desperately loved. Have no expectations, be close to him, hold his hand, stroke his cheeks. Give him your warmth. I believe that would have been the memory I wanted to keep whenever I think about my father.
Will he tell you words you need to hear? Maybe, maybe not. This is a terrible moment, Libby put it well: Go to him, tell him that you love him and hold his hand. This is the biggest gift you can make. Share the good memories you two guys have. Tell him how much you looked forward to being with him as a child. Your first weeks in a new country. Be you .
I wish you much strength and courage, I will think about you!
Forget what he is today, bid farewell to the father you once desperately loved. Have no expectations, be close to him, hold his hand, stroke his cheeks. Give him your warmth. I believe that would have been the memory I wanted to keep whenever I think about my father.
Will he tell you words you need to hear? Maybe, maybe not. This is a terrible moment, Libby put it well: Go to him, tell him that you love him and hold his hand. This is the biggest gift you can make. Share the good memories you two guys have. Tell him how much you looked forward to being with him as a child. Your first weeks in a new country. Be you .
I wish you much strength and courage, I will think about you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,592
I would be holding his hand, and telling him I loved him, just as you did as a child. I'd forgive, and I would let go of all the terrible things he has done. He is dying, send him in peace.
No one does the things he has done withot there being reason. I'd ask maybe, Why? I'd ask him about himself. Share.
I would tell him you wished things could have been different, but still you loved him. Stroke his cheek, and say goodbye to a man who is very ill. Maybe too ill to even understand, now. Tell him still. For your sake.
My Dad died of alcoholism as well. No room for bitterness at the end.
I think a grief counsellor would be a very good idea. For you. ❤️
No one does the things he has done withot there being reason. I'd ask maybe, Why? I'd ask him about himself. Share.
I would tell him you wished things could have been different, but still you loved him. Stroke his cheek, and say goodbye to a man who is very ill. Maybe too ill to even understand, now. Tell him still. For your sake.
My Dad died of alcoholism as well. No room for bitterness at the end.
I think a grief counsellor would be a very good idea. For you. ❤️
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 2
Thank you all for your kindness. I did not expect to feel comfort from this but I do. I am thankful to have been able to express my fears and frustrations and receive kindness instead of judgment. Though it still scares me I will be saying goodbye to my father. Thank you all for giving me the courage to take that step and I wish you all luck in your own journeys.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,203
You sound like a great person howto. I don't think I would have got through what you are going through. Be kind to yourself, look after yourself and keep up with your studies. It is a real tragedy about your father but if you have a good life then his will not have been completely wasted. Best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 839
Thank you for sharing this. You have had so much to deal with so far in your life.
Talk of the good times, tell him that you love him and yes ask questions you want answers to. Forgive him for you so you can move forward with your young life. You sound like a strong and focused young person and it's such a tradegy you have had to experience this. Take care of yourself and be kind to you.
My prayers are with you
Talk of the good times, tell him that you love him and yes ask questions you want answers to. Forgive him for you so you can move forward with your young life. You sound like a strong and focused young person and it's such a tradegy you have had to experience this. Take care of yourself and be kind to you.
My prayers are with you
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