fini

Mera, it will soon be morning, and you will feel a ton of crap weighing you down.
you will also have some decisions to make, especially re whether to try and hide this or go for “real-life” help.
i hope you will choose the latter, but can see the torturous choice.

Surrendered19

So Mera, since I am in flyover land in the US and you are in Italy, you won't see this for a few more hours. But when you do, just write yesterday off for now. First things first sister. Get cleaned up. Make some coffee. Spend the day easy. Really simple is the theme of the day. You are fine. The world is still spinning and you can get on top of things. Keep the long view in mind ok? This is about your child and you and the health of both of you. I would bet too that your inability to have 5,000 euro magically appear will NOT affect the govt's decisions in the slightest, so solve that problem over time and keep it in its own swim lane. One has nothing to do with the other. Today, rest and hydrate and nap and care for yourself. Then Monday is Day 2 and you are back on your healthy road.

NicLin

I hope that you are able to find peace Mera and a program of recovery that works for you.

Kaily

Mera so sorry you are struggling again after much recent success. The pressure you are under regarding this ongoing custody battle must be horrendous but as you know drinking will only make things so much worse.

Please reach out sooner, you have a lot of people here that care about you. We can only offer support if we know that you are struggling.

Your gonna wake up feeling horribly hungover and full of regret but this really can be the last time you do.

Your boys love you and you love them. Sober up and continue your good fight.

Dee74

Hope to hear from you today Mera

D

NessunDorma

Mera I went through very dark but different times and learned that even so its impossible really to understand what each person is going through. So my heart goes out to you just knowing that your custody and drinking battles must be so hard. Having followed your story since your rehab diary, all your posts suggest a decent, kind person supporting others online and locally (like the refugees), making an honest effort through different therapists, jobs, locations to get through, and most of all a committed and caring parent.

All I can offer is that the combination of tragic events/circumstances and drink can make things seem hopeless. But it is possible to stop drinking for good and be happy with your family even if things are not as ideally should/be. That may seem a hundred miles away and its so lame to say that a journey of a hundred miles starts (re-starts, I know) with one step, but it was true for me.

Anyway, all the very best, as you will have seen from the replies you have so many people here on your side.

ND

althea309

Dearest Mera,

I really hope to hear soon that you threw out whatever remaining alcohol you had left in your house and that you are recuperating with something hydrating. Take good care yourself; just know that you aren't alone.

Tons of love to you.

Delilah1

Hi Mera,

Not sure what time it is in Italy, but I’ve been thinking about you all day. Please check in and let us know how you’re doing.

Sending so much love your way.

❤️ Delilah

mikoss

It is about 8:04 AM, Sunday morning, in all cities in Italy right now.

theVman31

Me too, hoping to see a post.
Lots of h2o today...

saoutchik

My heart goes out to you Mera, €5,000 is a lot of money but I probably spent close to its £ Sterling equivalent in a year of boozing. Can it be paid for in manageable amounts?

If I understood correctly your ex husband does NOT have custody of your children or at least not sole custody which is a positive. The law in general is always so frustrating and what little I know of the Italian legal system gives me the impression they are even more frustrating than most but you are better than them.

Meraviglioso

I'm alive. But that was a really stupid decision. Back to day one, and I assure you it will be day one. I'll write more later. For now, back to bed.

Meraviglioso

I won't. It was a one off and though I hate lying I can't let this get out. I have stayed away even from this site in fear of being stalked/judged/whatever but I had to reach out yesterday. If they find out via this site, so be it.

I, as always happens when I drink, became suicidal. This NEVER happens if I don't drink- reasons number one not to ever drink. But it happened yesterday. I was still of sound enough mind to know that this was happening because I drank and I needed to reach out. So I googled suicide hotline numbers in Italy. Well apparently they take the weekend off or something, I called five different lines and no one responded or the lines were cut. So I tired calling US and UK based hotlines but I don't have enough money on my phone for that so the call wouldn't go through.

So then, I did the worst of the worst, I just scrolled through my Facebook and picked people at random to call. I chose people who I thought were nice and would understand. I chose correctly, I spoke to two different people who helped me understand my life was worth living and to put down the drink and go to bed.

I love all of you and this forum is great, but sometimes you just want to hear a human voice, you know?

I mena really, i am all ****** up over money and what do I do? I go buy wine? Spending money on something I don't need, is bad for me and costs money (ok, here in Italy, very little money but still, irresponsible). What the ****? I am worried about money so I go spend more money?
It makes no sense.

The other day i was with my older son, waiting for his psychologist appointment (apparently, having a mom like me means you need a psychologist at age 11) To pass the time while we were waiting I was showing him some of my karate moves. Punches, kicks, kata, whatever. I did a few kicks and he said "mommy, you have holes in your pants" Which is true, the one pair of jeans I own now have holes in them but I can't afford to buy a new pair. I just laughed it off and told hi, "oh, these are just old pants I put on today because my others are washing" which was a lie, I hatter lie, but didn't want to worry him. But he knew and he had tears in his eyes. I didn't know what today to make it better. I told him again it was no big deal, but he is smart, he knew and was sad.

mikoss

I am glad to hear you are okay.

I understand what it is like to feel how you did. When I hit bottom about 8 days ago I was a complete wreck. I mean just a complete mess. I was literally on the floor of my bathroom with a bottle of vodka and a glass with vodka drinking on the floor and doing lines of cocaine on the surface of my cell phone and crying and in tears. I wanted to call somebody for help but I couldn't because I still had cocaine I had to finish on my cell phone first. How sad and pathetic is that? But it was the truth for me and my reality. Then I finally was calling any hotline I could find, rehab centers, anyone that I could reach until I ended up here later after making a lot of calls and checking out any help online.

I was not suicidal but the thought of death or dying was something very real that I gave a lot of thought about. Not killing myself but the fear of dying if I continued doing what I was doing.

So I know how you feel. I felt guilty, ashamed, disgusted with myself, paranoid, depressed, anxious, nervous, crying and in tears, shaking, and just in a very bad place.

And like you I just needed somebody to talk to about it. Anybody whether it was on the phone from the hotlines and rehab centers I called but I found this forum and it has helped me a lot to talk about my addictions that I could not talk to anybody about.

And like you, yes money can be stressful. Even if I have the money to pay I still get stressed. I think oh man I need to pay this and pay that and take care of this and make sure all of these other things are paid. And I have the money to pay and it is still extremely stressful managing everything and making sure everything is taken care of financially.

Hang in there. I am glad you are okay and are able to be on here. Welcome

Dee74

I'm glad you managed to keep it to just one day Mera.

Getting sober and staying that way changed everything for me - for the better.
Not right away but inevitably.

I really hope that was your last turn to the dark side. I'm not being melodramatic when I say we don't get unlimited chances.

D

Reid82

Glad you were able to stop, Mera. I don't know if I picked up again could I simply stop like that, I know the last time it wasn't easy. And it always gets worse...

Have you any idea about using the tools to stay stopped this time? It looks like you've had good periods of being sober so that will defiantly help

Hawkeye13

Really glad to see you posting and on Day 1 Mera.

A way can be found through anything sober, but drinking can destroy it all.

thomas11

Great to hear from you, thanks for checking in. Sounds like you are back on track, go easy on yourself.

Anna

Mera, I've been thinking of you, too, and I'm so glad that you have posted and that you're doing okay. Staying sober today is the main goal and I hope you get through it. If you are able to continue your recovery, maybe you will be able to think of ways to work (besides the telephone business) to get extra money.

Ladysadie

Sending you my love. Praying that you find your way back, your sons need a sober mother. Glad you reached out for support, a good choice. Please know that you are worthy of sobriety and a life with your sons in it, no matter how small, you can build on moments that become more. One day you will see them grown and the moments will become life on their terms. Be the awesome mother! Be the awesome grandmother! Life seems to work out but please don't torment yourself by your mistakes. Embrace yourself each and every day. Life is worth living! You'll see....