thefastone70

hello,my name is fast one,and i just want to tell my story.My primo(cousin) and i were hanging out all day on 11-26-04.it allstarted by him calling me and wanting to meet up w/me,so i did. i met him at around 4:30pm and he wanted to go to the dope spot and get some herion,so i agreed.we went and got 6 $10.00 bags ,3 for him and 3 for me.we ended up snorting all our bags through out the day and ended up in my house later on that night. it is about 8:30pm now and my primo and i going to step out again.as we went outside my primo and i agreed on smoking a rock for one last time(cause we really did'nt smoke anymore).i made the phone call agot us two rocks ,he smoked his and i smoked mine.we wnet crusing around the city of chicago for a little while and decieded to go back to my place.we got to my crib and chilled outside talking for a while(he and i would always talk for hours at a time),and we wanted to come down off our high cause it was getting late,and i said to my primo that i have got these pills called clonidines and they were .03mgs,and i have got these muscle relaxers that should do the trick for us.i went upstairs and poped 3 of these clonidines and gave my primo 1 1/2 clonidines and 3 muscle relaxers. we staayed talking in front of my house for around 15 more mins and my primo said that he had to go home ,and i said cool. while getting into his car my primo drank 110mgs of methedome,a gave me a hug and told me he loved me and he would call me tomorrow (as we would always do when departing). he proceeded to leave to his houseand i went upstairs to my crib. i went to sleep and woke up at around 12:30pm the next day like nothing . at around 12:45 pm i got a call from one of my boys named hec-mac, he told me "fast i got some bad news for you ,and i was like what are you talking about ,he told me to sit down and was like what the #*###*# are you talking about. he told me "rob is dead, and iwas like what?(cause we had a dealer named rob that used to serve us). and he told me NO dog your cousin is dead! AND I DID NOT BELIVE THIS. i began to make a couple of phone calls and found out that it was true.i began to cry histerically and could not belive this was happening to me .well that was on 11-27-04 and now i have to go to my primo's wake on wensday.
the reason i am writing this is cause i want my primo to know that I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH and i am going to miss him w/all my heart he was my cousin and he was my BEST FRIEND. i have not gotten high on herion since that day,and i really want to yell him and everyone else who decides to read this that ... I WANT TO STOP THIS HABBIT OF THE DEVIL. cause i lost my best friend and my primo

the fast one 70

Ama

God love you and the devastating pain you must be going through. To loose a best friend must be so heart wrenching. The finality of death has that effect. I nearly lost my son to my disease two years ago......

Addictions do possess us - and you have reminded me that I took my car out last Friday to restock the booze. And bought a new mobile phone and other madnesses.

You need so much help and support now. Please dont use just for today. Addictions are killer diseases and you have really brought this home to me.

Thank you for posting and please try and find an NA meeting - you are not alone and need to be with others who understand.

Godbless you and keep you safe and sober......Luvs Ama

Time2Surrender

Fast one,welcome to SoberRecovery.I hope we see you stick around here too and get to know you.I am so sorry.My heart goes out to you and Robs family.I really hope out of respect for your cousin and also for yourself this will maybe help you stay clean.Maybe someday you can share this a a meeting when you are picking up your one year chip.Sometimes some of us have to die so others can live.

lonlion

So sorry for your loss Fast one and the way it went down. Stick with us here, we are a great support system.
Try to conect with NA in your area. I am sure that your primo would not want you to follow him, but to get clean and get your life on track. I know that especially now dealing with the pain of your loss you may be tempted to numb out, but try as best you can to stay clean at this time.
I will be thinking of you tomorrow.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you
Love Diana

kckman

I am so sorry for your loss fast one, Damn these substance's and our choice to abuse them. Life is to precious to waste. Thanks you for sharing your sad story. God bless you in your time of grief.

Gooch

Welcome fast one...

I'm sorry for your loss.

I always used to blow that "dope kills" stuff off when I was out in the lifestyle.

Up until, you probably felt the same. It's a shame we have to learn with so much pain and loss. Nothing can bring your cousin back but there's something that can help get you stopped and maybe help somebody else from going all the way down that block.

Last March I drove through Chicago about 2 am on a Saturday morning with my Dawg. We were on our way back from Minnesota where I bought a Harley from some friends I met through the program and online like this place. My partner said "Man look at this place, it never sleeps" and I had this chilly feeling and said " you ever think about all the trauma thats happening out there right now as we speak? It's a blessing not to have to be a slave to our old game anymore". Just now when I read your post I got reminded of that feeling and the chill came back. It's almost like I knew you were out there and I wondered what I could do to help.

I was a hopeless dope fiend once and those NA meetings helped me get free and get in a spot to try and help some other slaves get loose and stay that way.

You can do that too. all you need is the desire.

Chicago Narcotics Anonymous helpline 708 848-4884

http://www.chicagona.org/

there's a link to find meetings there.

thefastone70

it is about 10:10am and ihave got a couple hours of sleep since i last wrote what had just happened to me. i read the replies that people have left for me and i begin to cry as a matter of fact i am cring right now as i write this. i am illing real bad (illing meaning dope sick here in chicago). my legs are shaking non stop and my nose is running like crazy , i have a little urge to mess up but i also do not want to use anymore. i really can't belive all the love that was thrown to me from all my replys. i always thought the world was a cold place as i was before. since my primo has passed away i feel like i was the one who caused his death. my girl tells me not to think like that cause she says that will drive me crazy, but i can't help but to think of that and think of him. as of right now i'm gonna try my hardest not to blow any dope today , but i don't know what is promised to me later on to today. much love to anyone who reads and feels me out there. i pray and wish that nothing as painful as this happens to you out there.

Fast one

lulu70

(((((((((Fast One)))))))))) My prayers are with you and your family. Can you get to a meeting today? If you think you have found a lot of support here, you will be amazed when you go there. You will find many people who have gone through the same thing you are going through and they can help you in ways no one else can. God bless you. I am glad you are here--keep posting.

Hugs--

Chy

If your serious about this call NA. Your going to be feeling better soon, perspective is going to change, your going to question your motives, and perhaps even convince yourself your boy would approve. I assure you this is going to happen. Remember how bad your feeling right now, don't forget it, it's what will save you when you tell yourself, well one last round won't hurt.

I'm very sorry about your loss. It takes being in the real to get it.

Gooch

Fast 1 ..

your post put the tears in my eyes too.

Please get to a meeting.. Your girl is right. Your only going to drive yourself crazy over guilt that you don't deserve. Your cousin made the choices himself as did you. If the outcome were reversed he would feel the same as you are. Us addicts are natural born self haters. We take on more than our share so we have a great excuse to run away from what we might have been able to face and make differenmt if we hadn't overwhelmed ourselves so much with all the extra stuff over which we had no control.

Keep sharing here. Your experience shared will help others.