sweetiepie32

[QUOTE=Plure;7381045]I also want to

Thank you Steely for sharing and what you add to this forum. It means alot.... especially to us struggling.

Hevyn

Whitejay - I apologize for calling you 'Whitesnake' yesterday. Must have been listening to a metal station.
How are you doing today?

Steely

That was funny Hevyn ^^^^^

Steely

Whitejay, I tried to pm you but it didn't take. Hope you are doing ok.

I'm happy to share Whitejay. If I get honest with others, I get honest with myself.

Hope you are staying away from those dumb tourist bars. They'll do you no good, and everyone's on the make.

PhoenixJ

How are you WJ?
Meetings do help- just if it is to be with understanding humans. I personally would avoid all humans if I allowed myself - hard work, but better than what I became- well worth the effort.

Support to you.

whitejay

Hi everyone. Checking in today.
I dont know anymore, I"m just depressed all the time and wish I
could be a normal person.
This really suc&*
I try to be happy. I shop and fix up my home, but nothing - just blah
Still going to AA meetings.
I've done this before along with rehab
and 5 in patient stays. Oh well, I guess this is my life.
Thanks for all your wonderful posts.
😢♥️

mikoss

I understand how you feel whitejay.

I am going through the same thing of just constant depression and anxiety that comes and goes. Sometimes very deep depression and horrible anxiety with panic attacks.

Like you, I say to myself I wish that I could just be a normal person.

I try to keep myself busy around the house too but I just fall into relapse.

Hang in there and I hope you feel better.

whitejay

Thank you mikoos 😥
yeah life has never been easy for me all because of my deep depression.
I also worry constantly, I really wish I could leave earth. I know it sounds stupid, but its my truth.
I wish I could make friends.🌻

August252015

WJ- glad you are sharing with us...are you still drinking?

whitejay

Hi August ! no, I haven't drank
but this darn depression just keeps me numb. I really try to make a better life and talk to others, but nothing ever changes.

Derringer

Sounds like me when I just stopped drinking.

Life goes grey.

It eventually becomes unbearable and so a drink brings some colour back, but then that becomes intolerable too, so must sober up again. Then the colour slowly seeps out .... and on the cycle goes.

I sat in meetings for 2 years, didn't drink but the colour never came back.

I'd missed the vital part of attending a 12 step fellowship.

Once I applied the actual treatment, the colour slowly came back.

Meeting attendance was not the treatment.

Sammy1980

Alcohol only makes depression worse try not to drink to control it. The self talk that you do after a heavy day of drinking will only keep you from living. The only way to relieve the self talk is to have another drink and the circle begins.

August252015

Once I applied the actual treatment, the colour slowly came back.
-Derringer

OH! This is so true. So well put. I'm a very pink person by nature (and nurture, ha) but yes, the world became black as I drank more and more. Alcohol itself + my own mental wiring...it was absolutely colorless by the end. then the grey came as I got sober and that was terrifying. But better. And I was able to get help for my emotional and mental problems once the substance was gone.

Color came back, as I too got treatment. Now, my world is quite pink even when the shades of grey come in as that brain wiring of mine brings.

mikoss

I do hope you feel better whitejay.

Life has not been easy for me either especially in the last 2 years where my OCD, depression, anxiety, and other issues have escalated.

I mean I don't have a bad life but with a lot of mental conditions it makes me feel like I am living in a prison of my own mind and disorders. So it led to drinking and substance use which I am trying to deal with.

I too worry constantly. What if this or what if that or what if I had done this instead or done that different and just drive myself crazy trying to think of the past and kicking myself and blaming myself for certain things that happened. I never thought about leaving earth but leaving to an island or a remote place to try to get sober and clean and try to clear my mind. I don't know I am just in a bad place with alcohol and substance addiction. And major anxiety and depression trying to get sober.

As far as friends, a lot of my friends have been negative influences on me since a lot of my friends drink a lot and do substances. Not all of them but a majority of my friends. Although I do have friends that don't drink or do substances and those are the friends I need to be around in my life right now.

Dee74

I'm sorry to hear about your ongoing depression whitejay.

Have you ever seen anyone professionally about it? (you may have told me before but I read a lot of stories here )

D

Hevyn

I'm so relieved to hear from you, Whitejay.

DriGuy

Whitejay, I get it this sounds bad, but there is a way out. I'm not sure what that is for you, but it's there. I hope you find it. We tend to do this repetitive self destruction, and when we finally find the door out, we realize it was there all along. You admitted to being selfish. We all are, but sometimes we lock ourselves into a self defeating pattern out of stubbornness. That's not the same as selfishness, but it can be equally destructive. I don't know what to tell you. You may have to find one key to get you started, and there be more keys you will have to find, but there are probably fewer keys to discover than you think.

Hawkeye13

Just sending you support whitejay.

MaximusD

Hi Whitejay, just got here and caught up on your thread. Hope you are well. Exercise has been a lifesaver for me for depression/anxiety etc. In fact, I am going to go for a walk right now, the almond orchards are blooming.

whitejay

Just checking in today because I've been really sick with a bad cold for a month. Twice on antibiotics and still feel horrible. Coughing my guts out.
Im doing just ok, not drinking but definitely not living. Just barely making it through each day - depression
My psychiatrist is great but he can only do so much. I have been with him almost 20 years ! Oh my goodness.
I wanted to say happy Saturday to all my SR friends. HI 🌝
Spring is almost here and the sun will help me.
Take care everyone and I will post soon.