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Boredom is killing me....

Old 02-10-2020, 01:25 PM
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Boredom is killing me....

I have 2 main triggers: boredom and anxiety. I am unemployed, single, and live alone. Friends/family are no where near me. My drinking is the reason for all this. I can't date because my life is in shambles and no woman would see my current situation as being acceptable in a partner. I am on medication for ADHD that has sexual side effects anyway so I can't offer much in that respect.

I have way too much time to myself. Drinking is my only respite from my miserable existence. I am fortunate that my family are in a position to pay my bills but I don't feel like an adult man. I have huge barriers to employment due to the red flags I raise. I have done over a hundred interviews in the last decade.

Why should I be sober? I just can't find a reason since I have nothing left to lose. Hobbies/volunteering are not something I think can do. My ADHD is such that get bored very easy and things just don't stick for long.

Thanks for letting me vent!
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Old 02-10-2020, 02:20 PM
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When my son was about 4 years old, I said, "Danny, I'm bored."

He looked at me quizzically and said, "you don't have to be bored Mum, you can just sit in the gutter and crumble up a leaf." From the mouths of babes.

His wisdom has always remained with me.

* We didn't live in the gutter by the way. Just kid stuff, where you build dams, and sail matchbox boats down.
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Old 02-10-2020, 02:26 PM
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I know exactly how you feel since I suffer from depression and anxiety and I feel as if I have ADD but I am not exactly sure but I do have OCD.

So the boredom and anxiety I totally understand and feel the same way.

I too am unemployed at the moment due to being terminated from my job. I wasn't terminated due to my drinking but it certainly did not help the condition that I was in while at my job. The stress and anxiety that my job created only made my already previous drinking habit worsen over time at my job.

But even though I regret not having my job, I think in some ways it was the best thing that could have happened to me because if I was still employed at that job I could have gone into a much worse situation very fast at the rate I was drinking when I was terminated from that job. Not that my drinking and cocaine use was not bad up to the point days ago when I had my last of a few relapses, but things could have been much worse a lot faster had I still been at my job.

And at least now I can focus on getting myself better and try sobriety again and make it longer than I did before.

I think that no matter how bad and awful and sad things are with so many regrets and guilt and sadness that everything happens for a reason.
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Old 02-10-2020, 02:45 PM
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Boredom is killing me....

No, that's alcohol's job....
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Old 02-10-2020, 02:50 PM
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Whole lotta can't in there.

Sorry you feel this way but attitude is 90% of the battle.
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Old 02-10-2020, 02:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Steely View Post
He looked at me quizzically and said, "you don't have to be bored Mum, you can just sit in the gutter and crumble up a leaf."
Your son has the key and the right attitude! Whenever I get bored, it is because I want the world to come to me and entertain me because I am entitled dammit.

The world doesn't come to me, it is already there, I just need to embrace one of the many opportunities it offers for entertainment because there are a myriad of them. It can be as simple as watching an ant, to the more complex such as pondering Einstein's theory of relativity. I usually lean more to watching an ant, but the bottom line either way is for me to come to the world.
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Old 02-10-2020, 03:23 PM
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I think boredom is one of the biggest hurdles early on. Unfortunately I don't think there is a magic formula to get rid of it. In time it changes, don't know why, it just does.
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Old 02-10-2020, 03:41 PM
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why not get employed?
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Old 02-10-2020, 03:54 PM
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There is always something that sparks and interest. Sometimes you have to deliberately go outside your normal routine to see new things.
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Old 02-10-2020, 04:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Steely View Post
He looked at me quizzically and said, "you don't have to be bored Mum, you can just sit in the gutter and crumble up a leaf."
I love this!

For the O/P, go do some volunteer work. As said above, there are a whole lot of "can't" in your post.
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Old 02-10-2020, 04:24 PM
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Thanks for supporting my son's theory nez I understood it in the same manner as yourself. I prefer to watch an ant, too. Einstein probably watched many ants whilst developing his Theory. I believe that about Einstein.

I think Time, as Thomas11 says, does play a role. Drinking heavily definitely interferes with our capacity to think. Maybe we/I choose it to prevent thought?

With sobriety comes the return of thinking, and we embark on all of the things we wanted to do in our private moments, but we're possibly too afraid? We will have no time to be bored anymore. Life becomes full, it evolves. This is what I'm hoping for myself at anyrate.

Poor people with Werneke's Encepalopathy, etc., think no more. Do no more.

WE are in with a chance.

Sail a matchbox down the gutter and become a sailor, I say.
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Old 02-10-2020, 04:26 PM
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I am not going to tell you what to do because I don't really know.

I don't know your body or mind.

I will say that I pray for you and hope you can someday feel well.

I can only really do me. Your offering was enlightening.

Thanks.
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Old 02-10-2020, 04:58 PM
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Wasting, two things come to mind:

a) if employment is not an option because of red flags, any chance you can go the contract route? You mentioned you worked in the financial industry, so I imagine there must be some value that you’re able to bring to bear. If not because your skills are outdated, can you enroll in some classes in that industry that are currently sought after, e.g. Data science?

b) if a) fails to work out, how about volunteering for a non-profit? It’ll give you a chance to help people and it will get you out of the house.

What do you think?
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Old 02-10-2020, 05:53 PM
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My reason for unemployment is not an excuse, at least, gainful employment. My experience was in finance. Got a DUI, lost my car and driver's license. Lost the job, was evicted from my apartment, girl I was probably going to marry dumped me. Declared bankruptcy. Went to rehab.

While in rehab, I was finally diagnosed at age 35 with ADHD. Great! However, my former career was finished. Financial institutions are very thorough in the vetting process. A DUI is a criminal record here, and I was bankrupt. Did odd jobs but realized that I am pretty much screwed. Have had many job interviews. Only sales jobs I can get. Because they don't care too much about background checks. I can't do the sales jobs. Just making 200 cold calls a day is not sustainable. I drink at these jobs because they are so monogamous.

I got out of rehab in 2011. My therapist said to get a job as a security guard. My father said to just work at McDonald's. I have too many red flags to be hired as either. I can't even mop floors for McDonald's. I am a criminal with no credit.

I am a 43 year old former stockbroker. I can't even get a job with McDonald's!

I can't stay sober for long. 10 months is the longest I have gone. I just hate everything about being alive. I am not going to be able to carry on much longer. Not suicidal now, but I just won't continue like this. I spent the last 8 Christmases alone. Only one of my friends who is not married with kids. Exiled from family pretty much. Now I am draining my father's money because I would be homeless otherwise.

I just have no hope.
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Old 02-10-2020, 06:11 PM
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Monotonous * - It's just that I have tried everything. Fired from my last few jobs. So no professional references on top of everything else. I am finished. In this day and age, you can't just get a job without any sort of background vetting.
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Old 02-10-2020, 06:20 PM
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I am sorry for your situation and hope you find some peace of mind. I second the idea of volunteering your financial skills at a non-profit group. You'd be doing good for others and maybe make some new friends. I hope you can find, or create, a way out of this despair.
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Old 02-10-2020, 06:40 PM
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I needed to just get this out. It's so hard for anyone to listen amongst my family/friends/therapist. Just get blank stares or shrugs.

I heard about a dentist/oral surgeon who committed suicide because he developed a degenerative disease (wasn't arthritis) that prevented him from performing procedures because it affected his motor skills. He just didn't know what to do because he lost his dental practice/medical license as a result. Wife left him because he started to drink alcoholically. He shot himself in a hotel room. Died alone. I can empathize with that completely.
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Old 02-10-2020, 07:00 PM
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I like the idea of volunteering your financial skills for a non-profit, too. It could be a great way to meet people who could help you find a job or the volunteering itself could turn into a job.

I really hope that you find some peace in your life.
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Old 02-10-2020, 07:05 PM
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Sounds like untreated alcoholism.

This is the other side of alcoholism that no one likes to talk about much.

Everyone seems to prefer the stories about those who stopped drinking and life took on new meaning, it got better, things eased, finally found comfort etc.

But the other side is this thing you seem to be experiencing ... a dull grey monotone world, cannot seem to get comfortable, the shiny side of things seems elusive if not downright unobtainable.

Have you sought a treatment program beyond just putting the plug in the jug ?

'A program for living' perhaps ?
( to quote a certain book.)
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Old 02-10-2020, 07:06 PM
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I am sorry to hear that Wastinglife, but I know exactly a lot of what you are going through. I suffer from depression and anxiety and sometimes extreme depression and social anxiety and have been told that I have ADD and I have OCD as well. And sometimes life is very sad and depressing at times. And I have spent many Christmas times alone just because I don't want to be around anyone or family and more extreme drinking with family members at Christmas time. I totally have been in your shoes in that respect and understand.

I have never had any DWIs or DUIs but have been very lucky in that respect but I know many friends that have had not just one but multiple DUIs or DWIs.

And as far as the finance industry as you stated that you worked in, I worked for a big company dealing with billions and billions of dollars where everything is on the line and any mistake could cause millions of dollars to be lost or other issues where one is always pushing the envelope for more and more money and more millions and billions of dollars. I was in an extremely high stress, high anxiety job that could take its toll on any person. I was very good at what I did and loved my job but at the same time it was sucking the life out of me day by day.

I don't blame my job for my alcohol and cocaine addiction but as the stakes got higher and being in a company managing billions and billions of dollars you become on edge sometimes and it can get scary. I liked the pressure and stress but one can only take so much. I would leave work sometimes almost crying from the stress. So I resorted to cocaine and alcohol. And I know coworkers doing cocaine and alcohol and pills and who knows what else. And I rarely saw anybody ever really happy at my work. Just being in their offices looking miserable and stressed and on edge. I saw people at work with PTSD, ADD, OCD, bipolar disorder, and many different disorders mixed with massive alcohol use and cocaine use and pills and you name it. A functional company on the inside with dysfunction on the outside. And to be honest it wasn't worth it anymore. No matter how much money they could pay me and how good I was at my job and how great I loved my job, my health and well being is worth more than any job or money or success is worth. My life and sobriety is worth more than that.

I would rather be clean and sober and healthy and happy than be in a job that was killing me inside and leading me to become a full blown alcoholic and cocaine addict empty on the inside. Despite a good job with all of the money and luxuries and benefits of having what seemed a good life at my former job it was all just smoke and mirrors.

Being terminated at my job as depressing and sad as it was afterwards for me when I thought about it, it is probably the best thing they did for me by terminating me. If I was still at that job I may be in jail facing drunk driving or drug possession, in the hospital, or maybe even dead right now and not even be here writing this at the rate I was going with the alcohol and cocaine.

Anyways back to the job topic, I have a friend that has had DWIs, DUIs, alcohol addiction, substance addiction, and came close to losing everything. Now he is a very successful person. He told me that all of those things are not the end of the world. Getting help and in his case rehab changed his life forever. He told me that you would be surprised at just how many doors will open just being honest with people or an employer and saying hey, "I am a former alcoholic and I got treatment and just trying to get my career back on track." He said that you cannot imagine how many successful people have had alcohol or substance addiction and got their lives back and could relate to someone looking for a job at their company that went through the same or similar situation that they went through and willing to give someone a second chance.

Life is all about second chances and there is hope for all of us. No matter how bad things get they happen for a reason. And sometimes we have to get through the dark as scary as it is just to get to see some light in the end.
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