Delilah1

WastingLife, you’ve got a lot to be grateful for. You have family who are willing to pay for your bills while you sort things out.

There is a book called The Happiness Equation, and it might be worth a read. People need to have a sense of purpose, and that’s what you’re missing right now. You’re not the only person with a DUI and bankruptcy, you’re probably not the only person on this thread with both. There are things you can do. You can talk to employers about what you’ve learned from the experience. You can start volunteering and then use that as a reference when you apply for jobs. Volunteer at a pet shelter, at an ocean or park clean up, volunteer to help a local non profit with their tax returns. There are many options, you just need to shift your thinking to try them.

I believe that you really still want to be a contributing member in our world, and that you want to be sober. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t continue to post here.

Why don’t you take a look around your town tomorrow to see what volunteer opportunities might be available, and if needed talk to your dad about another chance at rehab, and use it to write the next chapter in your life.

HeadEast

Go volunteer! Google "volunteer Toronto". There are many opportunities. Just be careful of agencies that want money to find you volunteer opportunities. It will help to to stay quit. You might meet someone that can offer you a job. There appears to be no downside. Quit making excuses. Just do it.

Steely

I'm so sorry (Wasting)Life. Those background checks you have in America are really tough. How can you turn your life around when blocks like that are put in your way? However....the show must go on.

As Delilah suggested, volunteering to help with tax and other financial stuff with non profits sounds like a good idea. Volunteering for anything that you find interesting sounds like a good idea.

I know we need money, but we can be gainfully employed even when not on a payroll. Work is noble. Work in, and of itself.

Also think telling prospective employers of your history and how you got well could reap more benefits than you think. How many 'big time' execs. do we know that have had problems with alcohol? Many.

What have you got to lose? I think it would be a great exercise in social science. See how many dead beats turn you away? See how many might welcome you.

I feel discrimination in the work force because I'm older. Many people feel it because of disability. Sexual orientation. You name it, it's out there.

Don't give up hope (Wasting)Life. Paid employment should not define us. It's what we DO that counts.

Dee74

Some really good advice here.

not saying you;re doing this, but I spent a lot of time on the couch in early recovery because that what I did drinking.

It didn't cut the mustard for a sober guy.

I learned if I can't change much I can still change a little.

If volunteering is too much, get involved in a hobby. If thats too much go to the library and get some books to read or videos to watch.

If thats too much take a walk around the block.

I really believe there's always room for a little movement?

D

Wastinglife

Thanks everyone. I need to get what's on my mind out. I have no family to talk to. Without having to talk about alcoholism and sh*t. Mom died a year ago. From alcoholism indirectly at 72. No funeral. Cremated before I even knew she died. Just dust....

jr67

Hello WL.

Needing to get what's on your mind out is important, and as you know, SR is open 24/7. I learned the other day it has about 180,000 members worldwide. We all have our stories, some more dire than others, but it's not a competition. We are all here because humans are social beings who need to connect with others. The subset of humans who come on to SR need to connect about their substance abuse and recovery journey, detours and all.

You're getting plenty of clear-eyed, well-informed feedback here. If I may, I'll pile on with a couple of observations:

1. You say, "It's so hard for anyone to listen amongst my family/friends/therapist. Just get blank stares or shrugs." If that is true about the therapist, maybe you need a new therapist. There are many different approaches in therapy, and of course each therapist has his or her own personality. Sometimes it takes a little trial and error to find an approach and a practitioner that are good matches for the client (you).

As to family and friends, it sounds like you have a supportive family at some level. If it is true that you just get blank stares or shrugs it may be (I am only speculating here based on incomplete information) that they have tried their best to listen and give you whatever advice they can over time, but they may think they have no new insights to impart.

Ditto your friends. They may personally feel tapped out, as well, if they have tried to be supportive friends but don't see what else they can do or say beyond that which they have done and said in the past.

What about support groups such as step programs? Personal stories of loss and self-defeat such as yours abound in such programs, IRL and here in cyberspace. You are getting a lot more than blank stares and shrugs here, and it may be helpful and therapeutic for you to get such empathy from living, breathing, people in your community. Looking at it from a coolly practical perspective, you may make connections IRL with people with potential connections for job leads, in a world where people understand the challenges and struggles of substance abuse because they personally are living with those challenges, as you are.

2. Re your story about the dentist. First: While your bio facts may be accurate about the guy, without being inside his head no one knows the cause-and-effect equation that led him to take his life. Suicide claims the lives of people whose bio facts (to anyone outside their head), fit every common definition of success and happiness, yet some demon -- some combination of personal history and chemical imbalance -- blacked out the light in their life.

Conversely, some people whose lives are defined by what we might universally agree are the most soul-sucking travails (and among SR folks those travails include the pernicious effects of abused substances), ... somehow some folks persist through the tragic circumstances presented to them in their life's journey and emerge not only to survive, but more than that, to thrive.

I suggest you consider emulating the latter category of folks, even though your troubles may not be as dire as theirs were. (As said above, this is not a competition.)

3. A DUI is not the high point of anyone's resume. But neither is it a signal of moral turpitude (imho) or personal dishonesty such as larceny or embezzlement might be. It does not define you, WL, though from a reading of your posts in this thread I can't help but get the impression you do allow that DUI conviction to define you more than might be objectively due. That might be something to explore with a (competent, well-matched) therapist, or at an AA meeting or other support-group setting.

There is hope to be found in this life, WL, and we here in SobeRlandia tend to think it is not to be found at the bottom of a bottle.

August252015

Yep, and I also had to do two things: keep myself occupied as I was getting sober and hold onto the belief that energy and interest in things would come; and quit accepting "boredom" as the identified feeling. And sobriety has turned out to be the opposite of boring, and my interests have kept expanding. I also know when what I used to call boredom is now tired or restless or worried or...

Getting over that mental block leads to getting thru the physical resistance you describe. It's worth it.

Hawkeye13

Just sitting in your apartment will lead back to the bottle. It has done so many times before.

If you don’t do something different you will get the same outcome.
Volunteering has helped many hopeless people find purpose and hope.
Being supported by your family has really trapped you in many ways and has hurt your self-esteem.

You have value and much to offer the world. Consider taking action or this cycle of binging will kill you and that will be a loss to all of us

ScottFromWI

Talk away. Consider finding a local support group as well - there are many of them out there for a wide spectrum of subjects ( grief, loss, addiction, mental health, physical health , etc ).

Isolating yourself will only make things worse, and it makes it much easier to come up with excuses as to why you CANT do something.

Perhaps start writing a small gratitude list each day too. While things may seem very grim for you, you are indeed alive and you have skills to share. Build things back up one little piece at a time, rather than tearing it down with negative/self pity/victim thoughts.

brighterday1234

KTB5000

Hey WL, attend a AA meeting close by and make a weekly commitment. I've been to a few meetings where guys have voiced they need work and following the meetings seeing other members in fellowship reaching out to them.

Take a step outside of your comfort zone and take a leap a faith. For me, being alone and unproductive is extremely dangerous. One thing I like about in-person meetings is that I never regret having gone after its over. At minimum, it can serve to getting stuff off your chest, around folks just like you. Us alcoholics are kinda lucky in that sense to have access to such a fellowship anywhere in the world!!

WL, You got this!!! Rooting for you

Steely

Hi (Wasting)Life.

My father was an alcoholic and died as a result. I was very close to him. We used to go fishing together from when I was a little girl. Just me and dad out on the rocks. Me catching crabs, and cunjevoi for bait.

My mother dispersed of his ashes without inviting me. All because I was an alcoholic like my Dad. She invited other family members. I was shattered.

A few months back I took some tackle out to the rocks where we fished, and threw it into the old Pacific. Rock pools all around, and shells and little creatures everywhere. It was beautiful. I have a place in my mind now where Dad is fishing.

I said a few words to him, shed a few tears, and told him to keep fishing. Dad was an atheist, but he always used to say Jesus was a fisherman.

It felt really good to do this (Wasting)Life. Maybe you could do something similar for your Mum?

wehav2day

It’s good that you came here to vent, SR is good for that and many other things.

Let’s get one things straight here, it’s a lesson that took me a king time to learn:

Drinking is NOT a respite from a miserable existence. Drinking is the CAUSE of a miserable existence.

We can’t address any of the things that make us miserable, bored, angry, obsessive, lonely, etc. Unless and until we stop drinking.

Hawkeye13

He WL. how are you and are you still on the wagon? We can help you stay there or get back on if you've fallen off.

Keep posting friend

saoutchik

I'm really sorry for your situation Wastinglife, it must be really demoralising.There is a way out though. I can tell from your posts you're an intelligent person but one that has been rendered unemployable through alcohol addiction. You are not drinking now though and as a fellow alcoholic I now just how hard it was to get to that position and I think for that reason alone warrants the return of some self respect.

As regards to future employment I definitely feel that volunteering would give you a good chance of getting back into paid employment in the long term. Firstly it shows that you are active and not just sitting at home watching Netflix and you will not have that blank space on your resumé/CV. Secondly like I said you seem smart enough and you were not convicted of a financial crime so you might be able to volunteer for an organisation that makes use of your financial skills which in turn could lead to paid employment. There are a few "mights" and "coulds" in that last sentence but it would be some forward momentum from your current situation and getting started is often the hardest part of any undertaking.

One last thing, the place you got fired from for the DUI, MAYBE if you wrote to them they might give you an OK reference DUI aside.

You are a better person than you think.

sugarbear1

I couldn't stay stopped. First AA meeting I was 26 and couldn't relate to anything in the meetings. I got sober at the age of 50, I had no car, no job, no money, nothing. I began to rebuild my life at the age of 50 and at the age of "I'll be 59 in 2 months" I have a new life.

It can be done, if you are willing to work for it. I also lost certifications, etc... I did start working as retail help and wait staff and moved on from there. My resume reflects one job after the next...each one paying slightly more than the one before...…

It can be done. I wish you well on your (sober) journey!

It can become as simple as a choice. What do you choose?

whopper

https://www.canada.ca/en/parole-boar...spensions.html

Link to getting a pardon which will remove your dui. I'll have to do the same when the time comes.