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Old 02-11-2020, 03:54 PM
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Thank you so much Coz.

Yes I feel very weak and out of energy but managed to fix something to eat and just hanging in there resisting the urge to drink.
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Old 02-11-2020, 07:28 PM
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I managed to take a nap but the depression and anxiety hit me hard.

It finally subsided but I feel so weak and tired and my body sore.

I didn't drink but kept saying to myself maybe just a little bit of wine will be okay but resisted the urge.
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Old 02-11-2020, 07:53 PM
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stay with the winners mikoss - things will get better with time - but if you drink you'll have to go through all this again.

D
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Old 02-11-2020, 09:01 PM
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Thank you so much Dee.

Just hanging in there. I guess I just feel guilty too of not being able to be around friends or go out and do much of anything while I am trying to recover.

Like today I had a friend call me and wanted to hang out after saying that I have been trying to get sober and staying home as much as possible and trying to get better.

I even told this friend of mine that I had been seeking help online. I didn't mention this particular forum or site or anything of that nature just that I was online to seek some help and this friend of mine told me that going online seeking help won't help me because it is just a bunch of words and people telling me what to do and if I don't do it what is the point and it is all just a bunch of words from people and how is that going to help me and that I need action and this and that.

And I thought to myself wow, just words, really?

Being on here has helped me a lot and kept me from going back to drinking and doing coke and I don't want to go back to that anymore. Whether it be guidance or advice from people here or just talking with people here has helped a ton like you cannot imagine.

And then I got a call late last night from another good friend of mine. Basically she wanted to come over and drink and do cocaine and I just didn't want to do that anymore. And go back to where I was recently from my last relapse. No way.

I am thinking ugh what is wrong with my friends wanting to try and lead me back to a life of drinking and drugs.

I think to myself I just don't have friends to hang out for fun. All of my friends that want to hang out is just to drink heavily and do cocaine and party. I don't have sober and clean friends to hang out with. All of them drink and do cocaine and smoke weed or hash or do pills or some form of drinking and drugs.

But here I am and I am staying positive and staying away from any influences that will lead me back to any bad choices.
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Old 02-12-2020, 09:06 AM
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Hang in there mikoss, you are doing good so far!

Those people do not or dont want to understand what you are going through.
Do not worry about them. Continue to focus on yourself and you will be fine.

We may only be offering "words" but we mean everything we say and we truly care to see you get better.
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Old 02-12-2020, 11:07 AM
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Originally Posted by fishkiller View Post
Hang in there mikoss, you are doing good so far!

Those people do not or dont want to understand what you are going through.
Do not worry about them. Continue to focus on yourself and you will be fine.

We may only be offering "words" but we mean everything we say and we truly care to see you get better.
Thank you so much fishkiller for the kind words. I needed some uplifting today.

Yes, I greatly appreciate all of the words and advice and help that people give here. It really helps me a lot.

Just had a bad night and morning. Not bad in the sense that anything bad happened, just a lot of sadness and depression and anxiety and insomnia and this morning my anxiety was really bad. Just out of nowhere it hit me. Sweating, shortness of breath, hands shaking, chest pain, nausea, and craving a drink so bad but I didn't give in and it went away thankfully. It was just a panic attack that came out of nowhere.

And then I found out a family member was in a bad car accident and was hit by a car and the other driver took off. He is okay but it could have been a lot worse as the car was completely wrecked and flipped over into a ditch from what I heard when he lost control from getting hit by the other car. The other driver probably got scared and took off or maybe they didn't even know what they did but who knows.

And then my door bell rang for a package and it was a former coworker of mine that sent me the coolest and most touching gift that just made my day.

But right now just fighting the urge to drink which is really strong but I have to keep telling myself not to drink. Just drinking some green tea instead.
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Old 02-12-2020, 01:19 PM
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Panic attacks suuuuuccccckkkk.

I know you are still in early days so it is gonna be rough. Just hang in there. You can do it!

If it gets too bad you know what to do.. Post post post
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Old 02-12-2020, 01:59 PM
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It has been so gratifying to read your thread mikoss. You are doing so well.

I can relate to the feelings of sadness you describe, but figure these are feelings that need to be processed, and are real. From the sadness comes the learning. It's what I'm finding for myself, now.

Please ignore what you friend said about SR just being words. Maybe he's a caveman and does not yet appreciate the power of language and ideas. Hang with more intelligent people.

I'm 59 days today mikoss, and like you no matter what, intend to feel the feelings and not pick up.

We are finding an authentic way to live now, even though difficult to begin.
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Old 02-12-2020, 02:18 PM
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Mikoss - We're all a bit fragile in the beginning. You will grow stronger & more confident as you go along. You are very wise to avoid the people who don't understand what you're going through. I had very little compassion from most people - they just weren't capable of being supportive. I'm glad you're here to celebrate your 5 sober days. Be proud.
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Old 02-12-2020, 03:37 PM
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'Just words' saved my life Mikoss - they can save yours too
Sorry about your family member - glad they are ok

D
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Old 02-12-2020, 06:08 PM
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Thank you so much everyone for the support. Dee74, fishkiller, Steely, Hevyn, and everyone.

I managed to get a little sleep without the aid of an antidepressant and just woke up.

Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
'Just words' saved my life Mikoss - they can save yours too
Sorry about your family member - glad they are ok

D
Thank you so much Dee74, yes my friend just didn't understand the situation I guess. But this friend did call just a while ago to check up on me and was a little more understanding this time.

But exactly as you said these 'just words' are helping me out so much and will possibly save my life. Words go a long way and we all need somebody to talk to that understands our situation and can relate to certain things we go through. Whether it be advice or suggestions or comfort or help on what to do, it all helps tremendously at least for me.

But I just woke up a short while ago and had a horrible dream/nightmare. Some of it was ok and some of it was just horrible. And it involved drinking heavily. In this dream I was moving stuff outside and then somehow my neighbor saw me and said hi and invited me over to have food with them outside on their back porch. And somehow I disappeared and went into my house and got a bottle and I remember vividly that I was pouring whiskey into one of those big red plastic cups. And then somehow I end up running around the neighborhood in the dark at night with a bottle in one hand and this red plastic cup full of whiskey drinking like there was no tomorrow.

I was just having a blast running around everywhere with my bottle and cup full of whiskey. And then somehow I end up back at my neighbor's house and they invite me to watch a movie with them. And I end up sitting on this couch and there are these little kids sitting on the couch with me watching the movie and there I was with my plastic cup full of whiskey. And this little girl just grabs my cup and said to me, "Don't drink that anymore it's hurting you. Drink this instead." And she hands me a glass of some hot chocolate.

Just the wildest and craziest dream.

And then I woke up just panicking and sweating and full of anxiety and was thinking to myself that thankfully it was just a dream and I was not drinking again. I am still feeling depressed and have a bit of anxiety but it is going away. Maybe I will fix something to eat and see what happens.

But at least I have made it 5 days already with no drinking alcohol or cocaine and I am slowly doing it day by day.

Last edited by mikoss; 02-12-2020 at 06:09 PM. Reason: spelling
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Old 02-12-2020, 06:59 PM
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Keep it up, Mikoss! You are doing really well. Stay away from those who would put the thoughts of using in your head. You don't need that. I know I had to cut out my drinking buddy for my own healing. Tomorrow is day 10 for me and I'm beginning to feel some genuine happiness and joy. I didn't know just how much alcohol was depressing me. Before too long, I hope you find some relief from it as well. Best wishes coming your way!
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Old 02-12-2020, 09:37 PM
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Thank you so much Kjma. That is awesome that you are on day 10. You are doing very well.

I hope that I can feel better. I managed to fall asleep a bit and just woke up again. Only to wake up with horrible anxiety.

Just had another panic attack that went away.

Plus I had a horrible nightmare.

I feel physically ill like having a cold. Only it is not a cold but it mimics a cold with similar symptoms like fever and chills and sore throat that comes and goes and runny nose that comes and goes and I just feel physically ill and craving a drink of alcohol so bad. My hands are shaking but it is going away to some degree. And I feel weak and tired and my joints ache and I feel as if I have no energy to do anything and depression and crying and the urge to drink is strong but I won't do it.

I feel worse than the first time I tried to quit drinking. I feel horrible. Not like I am dying or deteriorating type horrible but I just feel physically and emotionally ill. I had no idea quitting alcohol and cocaine would be this bad. But I want to leave it for good once and for all and have a better life without it. I am just a little over day 5 and feel like I am a wreck.

But I just stay here and stay on the forum when I am awake and avoid going out and keep myself away from any people that would cause me to relapse and just stay here focused on sobriety.

Last edited by mikoss; 02-12-2020 at 09:38 PM. Reason: spelling
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Old 02-12-2020, 10:22 PM
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You are getting there mikoss. This is the bad bit, but it will improve, slowly. It won't stay this way mikoss.

You are doing so well, and it is hard for you at the moment, but just keep going no matter what. Don't succumb to these feelings, you are healing, hard as that is to believe.

If you feel that it is too much please see your doctor rather than picking up or using. I've only used a little cocaine in my time so am not experienced in cocaine withdrawal. Vast experience with alcohol unfortunately.

Whatever you do hang in, and see your doctor if you are not coping. Just don't pick up. It will get better mikoss. To pick up would put you back to the start, and that would be really unfortunate because I can tell how much you want to put the misery of addiction behind you. Me too.

Hang in mikoss.
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Old 02-12-2020, 11:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Steely View Post
You are getting there mikoss. This is the bad bit, but it will improve, slowly. It won't stay this way mikoss.

You are doing so well, and it is hard for you at the moment, but just keep going no matter what. Don't succumb to these feelings, you are healing, hard as that is to believe.

If you feel that it is too much please see your doctor rather than picking up or using. I've only used a little cocaine in my time so am not experienced in cocaine withdrawal. Vast experience with alcohol unfortunately.

Whatever you do hang in, and see your doctor if you are not coping. Just don't pick up. It will get better mikoss. To pick up would put you back to the start, and that would be really unfortunate because I can tell how much you want to put the misery of addiction behind you. Me too.

Hang in mikoss.
Thank you so much Steely.

Yes, I thought about seeing a doctor but so far it has been manageable. Just today was the worst day. Lots of cravings today to drink alcohol or do some cocaine just to escape the withdrawals but I have been able to resist.

It all started this morning with the panic attacks. They come and go. And then I have been sleeping on and off and when I do sleep it is bad dreams and nightmares followed by major anxiety and panic attacks when I wake up.

And then feeling physically ill like I have a cold and so weak and tired and lack of energy to do anything.

With cocaine, at least for me, the comedown and withdrawal varies depending on the amount I would do and how much I drank. Usually if I did quite a bit of cocaine while drinking the comedown and withdrawal would be pretty intense. Feelings of paranoia, anxiety, guilt, regret, shame, major depression, feeling jittery, losing track of time, feeling like you are in a disoriented dream like state due to feeling tired but not being able to sleep from the cocaine, and just feeling like wanting more cocaine to come off of the comedown.

The thing for me and why cocaine is dangerous, apart from the health risks, is because if I were to drink I would want to do some cocaine or vice versa, if I were to do a bit of cocaine I would want to drink. For me they kind of always went hand in hand.

I would start off with a small drink and a bit of cocaine. Then drink a little more and do a bigger hit of cocaine. And then keep drinking more and do more cocaine. And keep going on and on and on all night until the sun comes up or goes down again and I don't even know what day or what time it is. That is what is scary about cocaine for me and especially when drinking. I would lose track of time. All of a sudden time slows down or becomes non-existent on cocaine to where it becomes a bit scary. And the comedown, especially on the last three relapses including the last relapse I had recently, it was just horrible from doing way too much drinking and cocaine. Just absolutely terrible that I never want to go back to it ever again. Alcohol or cocaine.

And I even got so desperate recently that I though about smoking weed or hash or some wax or hash oil to help me with getting sober and clean but then I would just be stoned all day instead of drunk and I can just take an antidepressant if I want to feel calm and feel drunk. But I just had a bad experience with weed the last time I smoked. A friend of mine gave me one hit and it was enough. It was an absolutely horrible experience. It was so powerful that in ten minutes I could not even walk. I felt like I was walking in zero gravity or something. I felt nervous and then my sense of hearing was so acute that it made me feel strange and paranoid. And then I was hallucinating and seeing things and things started to change colors like green plants were turning pink and purple and very strange. And then I ended up throwing up outside and shaking with chills and I eventually laid down outside on the deck because it hurt to move or get up. I told my friend that it was so strong and she laughed and said, "I know it was good stuff right." I was like wow, never again am I doing that whatever it was or what was in it.

And then my friends tried to get me to sit up and helped sit me up and they threw water on my face and slapped me which sort or annoyed me a bit. And another friend got some cocaine and prepared a big line for me on a plate and said to do it to get me back to normal. And after doing that I felt a bit better but still sick and awful.

Just stories like that which make me never want to go back to alcohol or cocaine or weed or any drug or alcohol abuse ever again.
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Old 02-13-2020, 12:42 AM
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Drinking or using dreams are pretty common Mikoss - but I believe they don't measure our recovery.

I believe its what we do in response to those drinking dreams and thoughts that's the real measure of our recovery.

D
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Old 02-13-2020, 01:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Drinking or using dreams are pretty common Mikoss - but I believe they don't measure our recovery.

I believe its what we do in response to those drinking dreams and thoughts that's the real measure of our recovery.

D
Thanks so much Dee.

They just seem so real and then I wake up and I am like whew okay thankfully that wasn't real and I feel panicked and the anxiety lasts for a while and goes away.

Just hanging in there and trying not to drink any alcohol and drinking plenty of water.
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Old 02-13-2020, 01:56 AM
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Good plan Mikoss

D
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Old 02-13-2020, 02:05 AM
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Keep reminding your friends that you are no longer doing these things and really mean it when you say it. People feel better in groups with their addictions because they feel if all their friends are doing it then it isn't to bad. When you stop they start thinking about their own addiction. Keep going Mikoss
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Old 02-13-2020, 02:10 AM
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Thanks Dee.

Lots of water and I am eating quite a bit. I am not eating a healthy diet that I should be on like I was on about 2 weeks into the first time that I tried to stop drinking but I will get there. For now I am just eating and drinking a lot of water and tea and also fruit juice and Coca Cola when I have alcohol cravings which I know is not good due to the sugar that they have but I will eliminate them in time.
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