Promises to your self vs. reality
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Lost in the Caribbean
Posts: 73
Promises to your self vs. reality
I drink way to much and wouldn't be on here if I thought I could drink normal. I'm an off and on but don't do anything crazy. My question is for all of the people who beat this.
It seems like a lot of new comers come here, set a date, a time, a reason and when that fails which it often does, feels like they failed, throw in the towel and go on a binge.
I'm trying to work my way to no drinks, you can go the aa way, secular and everything in between. But what I think I'm trying to say I beat myself up but also have real expectations, its a process. It's not a new years resoulation like losing 5 pounds
It seems like a lot of new comers come here, set a date, a time, a reason and when that fails which it often does, feels like they failed, throw in the towel and go on a binge.
I'm trying to work my way to no drinks, you can go the aa way, secular and everything in between. But what I think I'm trying to say I beat myself up but also have real expectations, its a process. It's not a new years resoulation like losing 5 pounds
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,427
Cutting down was something I was never able to do, man
The only way that worked for me was deciding that that was my last drink.
I threw in the towel lots of times, but the trick is to not do that.
D
The only way that worked for me was deciding that that was my last drink.
I threw in the towel lots of times, but the trick is to not do that.
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 464
Hi 'chef,
Only speaking for myself...but I found it to be a process.
For me, the first was Awareness that the problem existed. Then, Acceptance that it was getting bad...so I had do something about it. Followed by genuine Effort to avoid drinking. Next, I Committed to be a non-drinker.
And things started clicking into place. I got help, I started changing bad habits, I read up on the effects of alcohol, the personal stories of alcoholics, and went to addiction meetings.
And I found Success, after being a daily drunk for decades. Health improved, relationships improved, and most of all I'm at peace with myself.
It's not easy, but it is doable.... just like many other things in life.
Only speaking for myself...but I found it to be a process.
For me, the first was Awareness that the problem existed. Then, Acceptance that it was getting bad...so I had do something about it. Followed by genuine Effort to avoid drinking. Next, I Committed to be a non-drinker.
And things started clicking into place. I got help, I started changing bad habits, I read up on the effects of alcohol, the personal stories of alcoholics, and went to addiction meetings.
And I found Success, after being a daily drunk for decades. Health improved, relationships improved, and most of all I'm at peace with myself.
It's not easy, but it is doable.... just like many other things in life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 1,132
I never would have quit if I tried to just cut down. My process was that I recognized I was drinking too much and I stopped.
Stay here, keep posting, and you will get a lot of advice and opinions. My process above may seem simple, but it certainly wasn't easy.
Stay here, keep posting, and you will get a lot of advice and opinions. My process above may seem simple, but it certainly wasn't easy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Lost in the Caribbean
Posts: 73
I'm not saying the cut down method, I'm all or nothing. Either I'm drinking or I'm not. I'm working my way there and know this can't last, already ruined and choose a lot of things over it. Always lurking on here and just see some people draw a line in the sand, and if they pass that forget the line isn't that far away to walk back to or crawl to
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
So you're still gathering evidence that you will one day need to stop by continuing to drink ?
I get that.
Waiting to feel like you've hit a rock bottom, because right now, it's not preferable to still be drinking, but as bad as it is, it's still strangely tolerable.
Maybe your thoughts are, on the day that you finally reach that conclusion, that you need to stop, how do you actually do it ?
Cause you don't wanna be back here saying "it happened ... again"
I get that.
Waiting to feel like you've hit a rock bottom, because right now, it's not preferable to still be drinking, but as bad as it is, it's still strangely tolerable.
Maybe your thoughts are, on the day that you finally reach that conclusion, that you need to stop, how do you actually do it ?
Cause you don't wanna be back here saying "it happened ... again"
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,157
I think the reason we binge after a set back is simply to mask the pain of failure.
We feel we have let ourselves down and our normal routine when we need to deal with emotions is to drink.
Failing to accomplish something that we really want brings lots of pain therefore we need lots of juice to kill that pain.
IMO of course
We feel we have let ourselves down and our normal routine when we need to deal with emotions is to drink.
Failing to accomplish something that we really want brings lots of pain therefore we need lots of juice to kill that pain.
IMO of course
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 1,180
I echo what many are saying, cutting down doesn't work for me. I'm either committed to drinking or committed to not. My problem has always been when I get to the point that I feel good. In the past when I felt healthy I always thought that meant I had more time to drink or that I didn't have a problem. Been through that cycle enough to be tired of it.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Quit today. That's ultimately what we each have to be ready to do. Yeah, it takes what it takes - THEN once I quit, things became a process. But that one absolute didn't and cannot waiver.
The first time someone said to me "You don't HAVE to ever drink again" it was mind blowing. but absolutely true. You can quit today, you can go to AA today even if it isn't your ultimate program, you can call a dr to set an appt for a check up. You can come on SR all day or night if you need continued support.
When you quit, you CAN do everything and you GET to - if you just don't drink. And then learn how to live without a substance.
The first time someone said to me "You don't HAVE to ever drink again" it was mind blowing. but absolutely true. You can quit today, you can go to AA today even if it isn't your ultimate program, you can call a dr to set an appt for a check up. You can come on SR all day or night if you need continued support.
When you quit, you CAN do everything and you GET to - if you just don't drink. And then learn how to live without a substance.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Are you trying to cut back on your drinking or do you have the intention of stopping completely? I hope you decide to stop drinking and recover. The main thing is to never give up trying.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
crazychef...I'm not at all sure what you're saying.
I used to be able to follow your thinking, but not this post.
I hope you make the decision soon. I don't feel like it IS a process. It is a decision. No fence sitting.
Drinking or not, no in-between: and that's how I addressed it. Never again, no bargaining.
I haven't let myself down.
I used to be able to follow your thinking, but not this post.
I hope you make the decision soon. I don't feel like it IS a process. It is a decision. No fence sitting.
Drinking or not, no in-between: and that's how I addressed it. Never again, no bargaining.
I haven't let myself down.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
I agree with August when she talks about "absolute and cannot waiver." It was key for me. It's easy to say the words, and actually it's not that much harder to follow through, but actually meaning it may make the difference between success and failure. I think you recognize "really meaning it" when you get there. Before that, it's more like good intentions.
Bimini calls it "a decision. No fence sitting," and I would add that this is for the rest of your life. I think this is important here, because you mentioned early on where you start to feel good and assume this means you have made it to "normal" like other people. If you are an alcoholic, and it sounds like you probably are, you are normal when you aren't drinking, but you lose it once you buy into the concept that you can drink again and be fine.
Bimini's decision is true for the rest of your life, and it must include August's absolute without waiver. This becomes more like an intellectual process, where you internalize a default state of constant vigilance combined with the decision to never drink again. And you have to mean it.
It's hard to tell someone how to ride a bike, but when they do it, they learn to do it without thinking. That's the way recovery felt for me. It's like when the light comes on during your first successful bike ride, and you think, "Wow! I got it. I know how it feels." But like recovery, you can fall with a hard thud if you're not paying attention.
Alcoholism, people, and the psychology involved in recovery are complex. There may be more issues that cause people to return to the bottle, and I've certainly wondered why people go back out, but I never know for sure why. I just know that the points I tried to make above had to be non-negotiable and unwavering. Once I got to that state, after years of promising myself I would do better, it was rather easy.
This last sentence above made me think about one final bit of advice. "Promising myself I would do better," didn't work. (Do better than... WHAT?) And since it wasn't clear, I wasn't sure what my decision had to be. It's more than doing better. I had to quit, no negotiating, no compromising, no taking a night off. It's easier than you think, and the payoff is huge. There will be bumps along the journey you will have to deal with, but don't forget the basics of deciding and committing.
There's more too. Hang around here, and pick up bits an pieces when you need them. There is lots of information and learning that you need to do also.
Bimini calls it "a decision. No fence sitting," and I would add that this is for the rest of your life. I think this is important here, because you mentioned early on where you start to feel good and assume this means you have made it to "normal" like other people. If you are an alcoholic, and it sounds like you probably are, you are normal when you aren't drinking, but you lose it once you buy into the concept that you can drink again and be fine.
Bimini's decision is true for the rest of your life, and it must include August's absolute without waiver. This becomes more like an intellectual process, where you internalize a default state of constant vigilance combined with the decision to never drink again. And you have to mean it.
It's hard to tell someone how to ride a bike, but when they do it, they learn to do it without thinking. That's the way recovery felt for me. It's like when the light comes on during your first successful bike ride, and you think, "Wow! I got it. I know how it feels." But like recovery, you can fall with a hard thud if you're not paying attention.
Alcoholism, people, and the psychology involved in recovery are complex. There may be more issues that cause people to return to the bottle, and I've certainly wondered why people go back out, but I never know for sure why. I just know that the points I tried to make above had to be non-negotiable and unwavering. Once I got to that state, after years of promising myself I would do better, it was rather easy.
This last sentence above made me think about one final bit of advice. "Promising myself I would do better," didn't work. (Do better than... WHAT?) And since it wasn't clear, I wasn't sure what my decision had to be. It's more than doing better. I had to quit, no negotiating, no compromising, no taking a night off. It's easier than you think, and the payoff is huge. There will be bumps along the journey you will have to deal with, but don't forget the basics of deciding and committing.
There's more too. Hang around here, and pick up bits an pieces when you need them. There is lots of information and learning that you need to do also.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 259
In my experience, when most people I know relapse, its because they are operating under the delusion that they now can control the drinking. The reality is they can't control the drinking no matter how much they wish they could. So thats why the result is always the same. I know I can't control the drinking and accepted that, therefore, I don't pick up the booze again because I know how it will end.
Tapering off would not have worked for me because by the very act of drinking, I am demonstrating that alcohol still plays an important role in my life and its something I think I need, even if its in small doses. It could be that I still use alcohol to try and relax, destress, socialize, etc, whatever the reason, but Im trying to keep the dosage small enough to get my desire met but not get out of control. Eventually, it does go out of control. If I can demonstrate that I don't need alcohol at all, then my chances are much greater at building a sober life in which I find other methods to deal with the things that I use alcohol as a crutch for.
Tapering off would not have worked for me because by the very act of drinking, I am demonstrating that alcohol still plays an important role in my life and its something I think I need, even if its in small doses. It could be that I still use alcohol to try and relax, destress, socialize, etc, whatever the reason, but Im trying to keep the dosage small enough to get my desire met but not get out of control. Eventually, it does go out of control. If I can demonstrate that I don't need alcohol at all, then my chances are much greater at building a sober life in which I find other methods to deal with the things that I use alcohol as a crutch for.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by ciowa 
In my experience, when most people I know relapse, its because they are operating under the delusion that they now can control the drinking. The reality is they can't control the drinking no matter how much they wish they could.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
It takes most all of us many many attempts to finally get clear. But it's dangerous to let that be a reason to keep drinking. I know I played that game for too long of a time - "ah I might as well drink now bc I know I'm just going to drink in the future" etc... The truth is that permanent sobriety is achieved a hundred different ways, but the life it gives is always the same - wholeness, peace, comfort, confidence, ability, strength, health, everything of value.
Don't spend too much time intellectualizing all this. Quit, and your life will be yours again, or maybe for the first time.
Don't spend too much time intellectualizing all this. Quit, and your life will be yours again, or maybe for the first time.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
For me it came down to acceptance. I planned on quitting or cutting back more times than I can count. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. Looking back though, I don't think I ever accepted that not drinking ever again was the goal. It was always an attempt to cut back or quit for a while so I could eventually return to "normal" drinking.
What finally worked for me was accepting the fact that there is no possible way, ever - for me to drink responsibly. And then choosing to change my life to support my decision to quit. Leaving the door open to any possibility of drinking down the road just won't cut it.
I wish I could give you a concrete explanation for how i went about accepting that, but I don't have one. I would probably break it down like this
* I accept that something is different about me that will not allow me to drink alcohol in a responsible manner, ever. I will always return to everyday binge drinking eventually.
* What ever it is that is different about me can never be changed.
What finally worked for me was accepting the fact that there is no possible way, ever - for me to drink responsibly. And then choosing to change my life to support my decision to quit. Leaving the door open to any possibility of drinking down the road just won't cut it.
I wish I could give you a concrete explanation for how i went about accepting that, but I don't have one. I would probably break it down like this
* I accept that something is different about me that will not allow me to drink alcohol in a responsible manner, ever. I will always return to everyday binge drinking eventually.
* What ever it is that is different about me can never be changed.
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