just checked in to see what condition my condition was in...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 18
just checked in to see what condition my condition was in...
So... I posted here a few weeks ago. An obnoxious story of entitlement and precarious risks. It was true. And I once again, I ended up in the emergency room. It's not my first rodeo, I've been to the ER because of alcoholism multiple times, from my 20s through my 40s. I did stop drinking from when I was 26 to 42 though, not a single drop. But what do they say, your disease is doing pushups in the background? Indeed.
I'm not sure why I am even writing this. If you saw me, from the outside, you'd not see it at first. I have money, the nice family, the job. I'm good looking, tan, fit, dressed to the nines. I drive a Jaguar XJL. I wear Rolex. I sit in the boardroom, often either vibrating from withdrawal or drunk. I'm an actor.
Have you ever been at work and not been able to determine whether you are drunk or not? Morning drinking, confusion, lightheartedness, am I drunk? Or the alternative, no alcohol, BAC drops to zero, panic and anxiety, fuzzy thoughts, I've got to get out of here!
Anyway, I went to the ER in December. Extreme embarrassment, but relief in the medicinal benzos administered under professional care. And it was never going to happen again. Ever. Why would it? That would be the very definition of insanity.
But it did. And here I am. Still standing, but barely.
Did you drink today? If you did not, drop to your knees and thank whatever God that exist that you did not. Soldier on, and I'll see you all on the other side.
I'm not sure why I am even writing this. If you saw me, from the outside, you'd not see it at first. I have money, the nice family, the job. I'm good looking, tan, fit, dressed to the nines. I drive a Jaguar XJL. I wear Rolex. I sit in the boardroom, often either vibrating from withdrawal or drunk. I'm an actor.
Have you ever been at work and not been able to determine whether you are drunk or not? Morning drinking, confusion, lightheartedness, am I drunk? Or the alternative, no alcohol, BAC drops to zero, panic and anxiety, fuzzy thoughts, I've got to get out of here!
Anyway, I went to the ER in December. Extreme embarrassment, but relief in the medicinal benzos administered under professional care. And it was never going to happen again. Ever. Why would it? That would be the very definition of insanity.
But it did. And here I am. Still standing, but barely.
Did you drink today? If you did not, drop to your knees and thank whatever God that exist that you did not. Soldier on, and I'll see you all on the other side.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
Glad you are here. Seriously, you are human and alcoholism is a human thing.....
We just buried one of us, he was an emergency room doctor......died by alcoholism.....
This thing wants me dead, so I will do what it takes to keep it at bay.
Sending you love and hugs,
~SB
We just buried one of us, he was an emergency room doctor......died by alcoholism.....
This thing wants me dead, so I will do what it takes to keep it at bay.
Sending you love and hugs,
~SB
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,097
Great post. I can so relate.
Hope you are not drinking today too!
Only very, very early days for me and finding it hard. Stories like yours help to know that this needs to be forever - got to be better on the sober-side which is something I haven't experienced for decades.
Thanks again....
Hope you are not drinking today too!
Only very, very early days for me and finding it hard. Stories like yours help to know that this needs to be forever - got to be better on the sober-side which is something I haven't experienced for decades.
Thanks again....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Welcome back Jaimier. I'm sorry things haven't turned yet for you, but they can. The last time you posted you were the subject of some ridicule for your arrogance and bravado. I sense less of that from you now, but you still describe how awesome you look and the car you drive and the watch you wear. I only remind you of that because it indicates a lack of humility and a lack of seriousness and focus. You are so obviously a smart talented person, can't you see those flaws in yourself? I think you can. I am here to support you my friend but you need to listen to some straight talk about priorities. If in the same breath you talk about rolex watches and being down on bent knees, you have some sorting out to do. Do this - for the next 5 posts on this thread, don't mention any material things you have or express opinions about how fly as f you look. Talk about how you are going to sort this thing out. Talk about how the things that you thought were important are not, and how things like humility and simplicity and quiet should take their place. I know you want that. There is an intelligence and a sincerity in your posts that reveals a person who, although presently misguided, wants to do the right thing and be the right person.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,902
I sit in the boardroom, often either vibrating from withdrawal or drunk. I'm an actor.
I can relate. At the end of my drinking days I was desperately trying to hold my stuff together. I was the guy in charge so I kept my own schedule and could "hide away" when things were really bad. But there were still times when I had to perform. It was an awful time in my life.
Or the alternative, no alcohol, BAC drops to zero, panic and anxiety, fuzzy thoughts, I've got to get out of here!
This one hits home. I remember times at work when my shaking and anxiety were so bad that I would sneak away, go for a short drive and have a couple of beers, and then return to work feeling reasonably "normal."
The physical addiction to alcohol and the withdrawal when I was trying to recover from drinking, was ruining my life.
I ended up in the hospital for a medical detox for a couple of days over a long weekend. In the hospital I attended my first AA meeting, and found a fellowship with others that really helped. The Dr. who treated me told me about his alcoholism, and told me to try an AA meeting in town and said maybe I would see him there.
So in my desperation I started going to AA and also about that same time, found this website. Both of those were critical factors in helping me to finally get sober.
I'm coming up on 10 years sober this spring. I'm fortunate that I managed to get sober before I started losing things like my marriage, my job, my kids, my health . . .
I can relate. At the end of my drinking days I was desperately trying to hold my stuff together. I was the guy in charge so I kept my own schedule and could "hide away" when things were really bad. But there were still times when I had to perform. It was an awful time in my life.
Or the alternative, no alcohol, BAC drops to zero, panic and anxiety, fuzzy thoughts, I've got to get out of here!
This one hits home. I remember times at work when my shaking and anxiety were so bad that I would sneak away, go for a short drive and have a couple of beers, and then return to work feeling reasonably "normal."
The physical addiction to alcohol and the withdrawal when I was trying to recover from drinking, was ruining my life.
I ended up in the hospital for a medical detox for a couple of days over a long weekend. In the hospital I attended my first AA meeting, and found a fellowship with others that really helped. The Dr. who treated me told me about his alcoholism, and told me to try an AA meeting in town and said maybe I would see him there.
So in my desperation I started going to AA and also about that same time, found this website. Both of those were critical factors in helping me to finally get sober.
I'm coming up on 10 years sober this spring. I'm fortunate that I managed to get sober before I started losing things like my marriage, my job, my kids, my health . . .
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Originally Posted by Surrendered19 
Welcome back Jaimier. I'm sorry things haven't turned yet for you, but they can. The last time you posted you were the subject of some ridicule for your arrogance and bravado. I sense less of that from you now, but you still describe how awesome you look and the car you drive and the watch you wear. I only remind you of that because it indicates a lack of humility and a lack of seriousness and focus. You are so obviously a smart talented person, can't you see those flaws in yourself? I think you can. I am here to support you my friend but you need to listen to some straight talk about priorities. If in the same breath you talk about rolex watches and being down on bent knees, you have some sorting out to do. Do this - for the next 5 posts on this thread, don't mention any material things you have or express opinions about how fly as f you look. Talk about how you are going to sort this thing out. Talk about how the things that you thought were important are not, and how things like humility and simplicity and quiet should take their place. I know you want that. There is an intelligence and a sincerity in your posts that reveals a person who, although presently misguided, wants to do the right thing and be the right person.
Jaime, you can do this if you really want to. And that’d be a heck of a lot more impressive than a Rolex or jaguar, neither of which is impressive at all. Those are just things, right? Lots of people have them. Millions.
Everyone with the money can buy what you have. Not everyone with the money can beat addiction. So those are the people we look up to. I don’t normally say “we” and speak for the collective group, but in this case I am certain. :-) I want to be able to look up to you. And I bet I can if you just focus in the right direction. I sincerely wish you the best. You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,525
Surrendered's post was perfectly stated. I cannot add further.
Hey, jaimier. I'm sitting here in australian heatwave, clapped out tshirt, bare feet no watch, or car, and I'm the only person in the boardroom. No air con either. It so sucks, but I'm 47 days sober today. I am Diamond Steely.
We're all the same jamier. All of us struggling with alcoholism. It will bring us all to our knees. What's that old saying? "We can be in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
Yes, I have experienced the confusion about not knowing if I were drunk or not the following day. It's scary. I was sober for 5 years once, then took myself back to the slaughter.
It's a whole lot better being sober jamier. Definitely difficult, but certainly better. I really hope you continue to post, and that you no longer need to shake, or feel confused. It's such a drag. You deserve better.
Hey, jaimier. I'm sitting here in australian heatwave, clapped out tshirt, bare feet no watch, or car, and I'm the only person in the boardroom. No air con either. It so sucks, but I'm 47 days sober today. I am Diamond Steely.
We're all the same jamier. All of us struggling with alcoholism. It will bring us all to our knees. What's that old saying? "We can be in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
Yes, I have experienced the confusion about not knowing if I were drunk or not the following day. It's scary. I was sober for 5 years once, then took myself back to the slaughter.
It's a whole lot better being sober jamier. Definitely difficult, but certainly better. I really hope you continue to post, and that you no longer need to shake, or feel confused. It's such a drag. You deserve better.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
jaimier,
yeah, i was an actor, too. from the outside, it all looked organized, i looked together, competent, responsible.
the inside was messy, very messy. and my drinking very secret.
after stopping drinking, the long slow process of living more authentically (buzzword, i know, but it fits). honestly.
got a plan for your next steps?
yeah, i was an actor, too. from the outside, it all looked organized, i looked together, competent, responsible.
the inside was messy, very messy. and my drinking very secret.
after stopping drinking, the long slow process of living more authentically (buzzword, i know, but it fits). honestly.
got a plan for your next steps?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
Hi Jaimier
I'm glad you made it back
Like I said last time I don't think it's ever too late to turn things around, no matter how many times you've tried before...as long as you're committed to doing something to stop drinking.
I drank way past the point of being able to pass for someone not alcoholic.
By the end I was the dirty ragged guy stinking booze, cigs and sweat sitting in the shelter at the bus stop who you're not sure is homeless or not.
If I can stop drinking and turn things around, you can too
D
I'm glad you made it back
Like I said last time I don't think it's ever too late to turn things around, no matter how many times you've tried before...as long as you're committed to doing something to stop drinking.
I drank way past the point of being able to pass for someone not alcoholic.
By the end I was the dirty ragged guy stinking booze, cigs and sweat sitting in the shelter at the bus stop who you're not sure is homeless or not.
If I can stop drinking and turn things around, you can too
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by Derringer
Seen the movie "Leaving Las Vegas" ?
It's 6AM here on a Saturday morning. And I'm tired and sick. And for what it is worth, I do appreciate the comments and support from this forum. I'm no longer looking for redemption though, just understanding. I'm glad I'm posting here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
Originally Posted by jaimier
If you saw me, from the outside, you'd not see it at first. I have money, the nice family, the job.
House on fire drunks are visible to everyone. You can see them and all of their problems pretty quickly. The house is burning down and everyone knows it. They do not have the veneer of financial success to hide behind.
Termite drunks are harder to spot. The termites are eating away at the frame of the house but from the outside the house looks fine. Until it isn't. By the time the damage becomes visible the frame of the house has suffered severe damage. The house is at risk of total collapse.
Does this make any sense to you?
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,183
It sounds like you have a life worth fighting for Jamier. A much smarter SR member than myself (MesaMan) once said you have to look deep down inside of yourself to find the person that is not going to drink any more. You did it once before and I'm certain you could do it again.
Maybe then you can get an F-Type SVR.
Maybe then you can get an F-Type SVR.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 245
Hi Jaimler,
I will take a little bit of a different approach (sorry people), and by no means, I want to create controversy.
We have seen millions of posts when people say they are broke, unemployed, with their finances in bad shape (e.g me) and looking horrible. The normal reaction is to tell them to try to love themselves more, look for professional help, working out, etc.
My point is that is great that you acknowledge all of those things you have, the material and the non-material. As a matter of fact, it is GREAT that you are aware of having them. I am sure no one means wrong when they tell you to dial it down a bit, I just think it's great you have this self-admiration.
Being that said, people are right. There are millions of people that have that. You are one of the fortunate ones. BUT as we have seen in another million examples, alcoholism has taken everything out of them.
You are well aware of your problem and of the risks. I admire that you are here, regardless of what you have, that shows being humble.
I wish you the best of luck in your sobriety journey.
I will take a little bit of a different approach (sorry people), and by no means, I want to create controversy.
We have seen millions of posts when people say they are broke, unemployed, with their finances in bad shape (e.g me) and looking horrible. The normal reaction is to tell them to try to love themselves more, look for professional help, working out, etc.
My point is that is great that you acknowledge all of those things you have, the material and the non-material. As a matter of fact, it is GREAT that you are aware of having them. I am sure no one means wrong when they tell you to dial it down a bit, I just think it's great you have this self-admiration.
Being that said, people are right. There are millions of people that have that. You are one of the fortunate ones. BUT as we have seen in another million examples, alcoholism has taken everything out of them.
You are well aware of your problem and of the risks. I admire that you are here, regardless of what you have, that shows being humble.
I wish you the best of luck in your sobriety journey.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,525
I think jamier is trying to indicate that from all appearances he has everything, yet spiritually he has nothing. He's trying to be honest.
Things are often used to fill the void of the self. I think jamier appreciates this glaringly obvious truth.
Hope you are doing ok jamier.
Things are often used to fill the void of the self. I think jamier appreciates this glaringly obvious truth.
Hope you are doing ok jamier.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 18
I am going to take whatever steps are necessary to fight this disease. I haven't had anything to drink for a few hours now, and I just need to get through this withdrawal. I really hate this part. I don't want to return to the hospital, so hopefully that won't be necessary this time.
And I do feel that I am very spiritually sick, and I am not going to be able to do this alone. I believe I'll return to AA meetings and perhaps see a professional therapist.
It really is baffling that I ended up in this mess again. It makes no sense. And I really really hate the withdrawal. It is so painful. But I feel that spiritual growth awaits on the other side of it, so here I go.
And I do feel that I am very spiritually sick, and I am not going to be able to do this alone. I believe I'll return to AA meetings and perhaps see a professional therapist.
It really is baffling that I ended up in this mess again. It makes no sense. And I really really hate the withdrawal. It is so painful. But I feel that spiritual growth awaits on the other side of it, so here I go.
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