Buckley3

I used to joke about being one - back when I drank. In my line of work there's a fairly common joke that to be good you have to have some control freak tendencies.

So, in a way I was never really in denial about it. But the last two years of sobriety and what I've learned about it demonstrates to me that - like so many things - I was totally ignorant and unaware of just how negative of an influence my controlling nature was.

These days I'm getting more and more comfortable with living in uncertainty. That's not to say I'm aimless of that I don't exert influence on the direction I want to go in life. But I'm learning that it's important to set goals for ourselves and to visualize what and where we want to be in life, and then try to let go of control and instead just do the thing day in and day out. Little, incremental things that are within our influence. It's saved me from anxiety and from some of the darker parts of my nature.

As for the things that have to fall in place that are beyond my control, well, I either need to have faith and trust that it will happen - that opportunities will reveal them self at the right time, or that friends and colleagues won't crap out on me and will still be there when I need them. Or I need to keep learning how to subtly just not give a **** when things out of my control do happen... and immediately return to managing what I can influence that's right in front of me. This moment. Then the next.

Envision yourself and where you want to be - it doesn't have to be extravagant... in there's a TON to be said about simplicity. Visual peace, serenity. And then .... LET GO.

Today is a great day to not drink.

-B

Dee74

Thanks for sharing that Buckley - good to have you back
D

HeadEast

Thanks for your post, Buckley. I am now retired, but in my line of work it also was a common joke that to be good you have to have some control freak tendencies. So true because I used to be an air traffic controller.

RecklessDrunk

I remember when I first came across the actor who has to control the show in the big book it seemed as though it was written just for me.

It's a strength and a weakness at the same time. Cold hearted precision can be great professionally and for getting in shape but I go overboard sometimes. I always wanted to plan out every minute of the day and week. Here's when and what I'm going to eat, work tasks all lined up, gym schedule, running schedule, even weekend drinking schedule.

Then either the schedule gets a wrinkle or I even forsee a wrinkle coming. OMG there is a work lunch meeting 2 days from now so it will mess up my weekly diet, mine as well just start drinking tonight. I can forsee one tragic mis step in my schedule and how this will lead to mis step after mis step and I'd get all upset and end up binge drinking. I could think of an error i made on a spreadsheet and how it will get me fired and nobody will hire me and I'll be homeless and I'll starve because I wont be any good at panhandling either.


I still try and follow a pretty strict schedule but I work step 3. When I see an obstacle on the way I'm like ok, whats my next best option. I do my best to follow a plan but I know God is control.

2ndhandrose

Yikes, that is a pretty good description of my own thinking!

I am learning to let go of trying to control other people but I have a lot of work to do regarding this rigid set of controls for me.

I no longer see drinking as the answer but I sure do beat myself up over it.

August252015

Good post! Learning in sobriety that "control" issues mean a lot of stuff - from work like you mentioned, to the answer I want to get from someone else, and tons more- is huge. Sometimes we don't even realize we are trying to control something...definitely a process!