Slowly killing myself (newcomer)
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by Madorack 
I do appreciate your input but unfortunately I am without any type of health insurance and my current financial situation requires that I do this without medical intervention.
Whatever our situation, you and I are folks who have to quit or die. I hope you take the chance on life - it really is worth whatever we go thru or end up with as our physical realities once sober. Lots of us have stories about that to share, and plenty of us have some permanent effects, but I haven't heard anyone say they'd rather still be drinking.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
Originally Posted by Madorack
Also like I mentioned earlier, I'm in the middle of a custody battle for my son. If my ex even got a whiff that I was hospitalized for detox I would be eaten alive in court and I would never see my son again.
I appreciate the support and how understanding my fellow alcoholics can be. But I've yet to come up with a plan on how to tackle this. I'm scared of a lot of things but dying would be better than losing my son.
I appreciate the support and how understanding my fellow alcoholics can be. But I've yet to come up with a plan on how to tackle this. I'm scared of a lot of things but dying would be better than losing my son.
1 So detox will cost you your son? Let's say you are right. Given the description of your drinking, continuing to drink will get you to the same place. No matter how tough a man you are your level of drinking will take you down. The human body can only withstand so much abuse.
2 Dying might be better for you but if you love your son then you need to stick around alive. Drinking yourself to death would completely F*** up his head.
Have you considered AA? I am not an AA thumper but AA is big part of my recovery and I know there are dedicated AAers who would jump at the opportunity to help you. To me, AA is the kindest bunch of crazy folks you will ever meet. At this point what do you have to lose?
Again - you have my support. I hope you can climb out of this hole.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by C0ntr0ls
I only ate once a day after drinking because food killed the buzz or desire to drink for me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Originally Posted by Madorack
dying would be better than losing my son.
in some ways I think those of us with children who are trying to get sober are lucky. We have the ultimate leverage.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,152
Originally Posted by Madorack
I buy a half gallon of this Canadian whiskey that I love for $14. That comes to $7 a day which is less than most people spend on cigarettes. I feel like there's no way that any medication could be that cheap... not to mention how much a trip to my addictionologist will probably be. It's crazy how cheap it is to kill yourself and how expensive it is to get help.
Also like I mentioned earlier, I'm in the middle of a custody battle for my son. [B]If my ex even got a whiff that I was hospitalized for detox i would be eaten alive in court and I would never see my son again.[/B]
I appreciate the support and how understanding my fellow alcoholics can be. But I've yet to come up with a plan on how to tackle this. I'm scared of a lot of things but dying would be better than losing my son.
Also like I mentioned earlier, I'm in the middle of a custody battle for my son. [B]If my ex even got a whiff that I was hospitalized for detox i would be eaten alive in court and I would never see my son again.[/B]
I appreciate the support and how understanding my fellow alcoholics can be. But I've yet to come up with a plan on how to tackle this. I'm scared of a lot of things but dying would be better than losing my son.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Madorack - I'm so glad you found us. I hope being here, with people who truly understand, will help you feel less anxious about things. I had a very similar horrific time just before quitting. I'd gone lower than ever before, drinking all day, dui's - even a few days in jail after the 2nd one. When I came here I felt very relieved to know so many had walked the road that I had - and learned to live again without the poison. You already know what some never acknowledge - that it will steal your soul and kill you. This doesn't need to happen - you can get free. Please stay with us - we care about you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: California
Posts: 182
Originally Posted by Madorack
So my story is a little intense I guess. Pretty much I've been a bad alcoholic for about 6 years now. Im talking anywhere from a pint to a fifth of whiskey a day. In 2014 I was kicked out of the navy when I was caught stealing a half gallon from the exchange on base (something I had done dozens of times). I was fired from a kitchen a year or so later for drinking the wine we used to cook. And in 2018 I was arresting while at work (I worked for a public school) for public intoxication when a cop happened to smell it on my breath (that ones a long story). I did a year of probation for that one.
After that incident things got my pretty bad in my relationship with the mother of my son (and at that time, fiance). And I was forced to quit drinking for a year due to the alcohol tether the judge kindly gifted me. And by the way, she had NO idea how much I drank. Despite us living together for nearly 5 years I was very good at hiding my drinking. When I did get off probation I literally jumped right back into my old habits. And now finally my drinking has cost me my relationship. And I just know my drinking was the main factor in why she left me.
So now here I am. Maybe a heavier drinker than I've ever been in my life. Averaging about a fifth a day. Single and stuck with a house that I'm struggling to pay mortgage on by myself. Fighting in a custody battle for my son. Working 60 hours a week. My liver and chest hurt off and on and I'm constantly experiencing anxiety. I dont remember the last time I even felt happy or genuinely enjoyed something I was doing. I really dont where to start.. I get withdrawal symptoms after only 8 hours and by 16 I'm puking.
After that incident things got my pretty bad in my relationship with the mother of my son (and at that time, fiance). And I was forced to quit drinking for a year due to the alcohol tether the judge kindly gifted me. And by the way, she had NO idea how much I drank. Despite us living together for nearly 5 years I was very good at hiding my drinking. When I did get off probation I literally jumped right back into my old habits. And now finally my drinking has cost me my relationship. And I just know my drinking was the main factor in why she left me.
So now here I am. Maybe a heavier drinker than I've ever been in my life. Averaging about a fifth a day. Single and stuck with a house that I'm struggling to pay mortgage on by myself. Fighting in a custody battle for my son. Working 60 hours a week. My liver and chest hurt off and on and I'm constantly experiencing anxiety. I dont remember the last time I even felt happy or genuinely enjoyed something I was doing. I really dont where to start.. I get withdrawal symptoms after only 8 hours and by 16 I'm puking.
In the meantime, you have us. Through every ache and pain, through every shameful memory and every craving, we've got you. These people have given me so much hope the last 48 hours, I hope I can do same. I just took my last "just in case" back-up bottle to my neighbor's. Two days ago I never imagined parting with that thing, like a safety blanket, and I just flung it away with a smile. We can do this...I don't know where to start either I'm just glad to be here with you all.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: California
Posts: 182
Originally Posted by August252015
Often called "drunkorexia" for women, this food/alcohol thing is common. For various reasons, we can develop the habit of drinking v eating, and certainly once gagging and bite-issues come in as they did for me, it was a bad deal. Our bodies also don't retain nutrients when we are ingesting so much alcohol- they just can't. So even if/when we do eat, if it's nutritious at all, it's still a bad deal. It can only get better as we stay sober and get healthy.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,097
Hi Madorack
I am still new here and can't offer any solutions for your really tricky situation. But can't help think that any court would punish you for detox over continuing to drink (assuming your ex knows that you drink) in relation to custody?
Really hope that you can come up with a plan to achieve that 'free' feeling that many on this forum speak of.
Keep posting please!
I am still new here and can't offer any solutions for your really tricky situation. But can't help think that any court would punish you for detox over continuing to drink (assuming your ex knows that you drink) in relation to custody?
Really hope that you can come up with a plan to achieve that 'free' feeling that many on this forum speak of.
Keep posting please!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 1
Don't take the easy way out, for you, fight for all of you as best you can
Reality check -- You dying would NOT be better for your son! My son and I lost his dad almost 4 years ago to alcoholism. We were not together at the time, but once you love someone once, we were also set to be married at one time, you don't stop, it just changes a bit. His death sent us both into a tailspin, of course. And then I started drinking again to make matters worse. Don't go down that path of thinking, your son needs you alive and his mom probably cares about you more than you know (at least from my own experience). It may sound preachy, but I'm only coming from a place of anguish in my own life. We both miss my son's dad every day and raising a son without his dad, is very tough. I too am in the throws of the illness so cannot offer much advice about how to get there, but I hope you can hear the sadness in my words and maybe feel the tears in my eyes. I so hope you can figure it out for you and your son. Sending lots of well wishes your way! Keep at it, it's possible.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,540
If you're going into withdrawal at 8 hours, and puking at 16 hours, you really do need to see a doctor for benzodiazapines imo.
Risk of seizure is high given the quantities you are consuming.
Risk of seizure is high given the quantities you are consuming.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Hi Madorack,
I just wanted to welcome you to SR. I’m really glad you came here and decided to post.
Thinking about your life right now, working 60 hours and drinking excessively before and after sounds exhausting. I am sure you are physically and mentally exhausted.
I have three kids, and they are the most important part of my life, it sounds like this is how you feel about your son. I can hear that you want to be a good dad in your post. The best way to do that is by getting sober, and being able to be fully present with him.
I have watched friends lose custody of their kids due to alcohol or drugs, I know that’s not what you want.
I got sober thanks to this website, I read and posted on here daily. I worked on remaining focused on the present and making the next positive choice for myself. I found alternate healthy ways to relieve stress (exercise, breathing techniques, journaling) and most importantly I practicied gratitude.
I would love to see a post from you with some ideas on what supports you think you’ll put in place to get sober.
You can do this, getting sober is simple, it’s not easy, but it is simple. Start with the next five minutes, and then the next, ant the next...l
I just wanted to welcome you to SR. I’m really glad you came here and decided to post.
Thinking about your life right now, working 60 hours and drinking excessively before and after sounds exhausting. I am sure you are physically and mentally exhausted.
I have three kids, and they are the most important part of my life, it sounds like this is how you feel about your son. I can hear that you want to be a good dad in your post. The best way to do that is by getting sober, and being able to be fully present with him.
I have watched friends lose custody of their kids due to alcohol or drugs, I know that’s not what you want.
I got sober thanks to this website, I read and posted on here daily. I worked on remaining focused on the present and making the next positive choice for myself. I found alternate healthy ways to relieve stress (exercise, breathing techniques, journaling) and most importantly I practicied gratitude.
I would love to see a post from you with some ideas on what supports you think you’ll put in place to get sober.
You can do this, getting sober is simple, it’s not easy, but it is simple. Start with the next five minutes, and then the next, ant the next...l
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
You are not alone here bud. It's a great place to lean on - lots of us have been there in various forms.
Take it one thing at a time. Don't drink. And the advice about ER if you start feeling really bad from withdraw is very solid. You need to make staying sober each day the one and only priority you have right now - even if you lose everything else. You can pay the bills later, you can sell the house later, hell you can even fight for custody or try to make amends in that relationship down the road a bit. Nothing in your life is undone to the point it can't be fixed.
But I assure you - drinking like you are will make all of that impossible and will simply kill you sooner or later. So... you have to practice not worrying about that other stuff for a bit here and just stay sober today. Today.
Today.
-B
Take it one thing at a time. Don't drink. And the advice about ER if you start feeling really bad from withdraw is very solid. You need to make staying sober each day the one and only priority you have right now - even if you lose everything else. You can pay the bills later, you can sell the house later, hell you can even fight for custody or try to make amends in that relationship down the road a bit. Nothing in your life is undone to the point it can't be fixed.
But I assure you - drinking like you are will make all of that impossible and will simply kill you sooner or later. So... you have to practice not worrying about that other stuff for a bit here and just stay sober today. Today.
Today.
-B
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