Avoiding triggers versus boredom and isolation?
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Originally Posted by CRRHCC 
"Watch how normies react and try to be like them. The more you do it the easier it gets, act better than you feel and your head will catch up. "
Ask a, "Normie," why they stop drinking after one or two drinks? They will always tell you something to the affect that they don't want to experience a hangover or if they get deep they will tell you they don't like the feeling of losing control. Bottom line is they prefer being normal to experience life. They have learned to do so. As a former substance abuser I always imbibed to regain control over my emotions-how I felt. My perception was that I was more relaxed and in control of my feelings when intoxicated! I never had just one or two drinks. That was out of the question. Just the opposite of a, "Normie." In retrospect, I did not like myself sober! The antidote for me was to understand that addictions always serve an emotional purpose. That purpose is to reverse or regain control over intolerable, overwhelming feelings of being trapped or helpless and out of control to specific circumstances. Once I understood myself, I found new more healthy ways to regain control of my feelings based on what I valued in life besides getting drunk. This is exactly what normal people do. We all experience adversity. How we choose to respond is a product of what we have learned growing up and we can also unlearn it. No one gets addicted to a substance unless they have learned it does something for them. Reverse engineer this concept.
Values and purpose should be the main navigational tools in life. I know longer want more than two drinks for the same reason a normal person does. I no longer like the way it makes me feel. I like myself normal! I'm a better person for it. I'm a slow learner though. I was on auto-pilot most of my adult life. It took my four and half decades to come to this realization.
Ask a, "Normie," why they stop drinking after one or two drinks? They will always tell you something to the affect that they don't want to experience a hangover or if they get deep they will tell you they don't like the feeling of losing control. Bottom line is they prefer being normal to experience life. They have learned to do so. As a former substance abuser I always imbibed to regain control over my emotions-how I felt. My perception was that I was more relaxed and in control of my feelings when intoxicated! I never had just one or two drinks. That was out of the question. Just the opposite of a, "Normie." In retrospect, I did not like myself sober! The antidote for me was to understand that addictions always serve an emotional purpose. That purpose is to reverse or regain control over intolerable, overwhelming feelings of being trapped or helpless and out of control to specific circumstances. Once I understood myself, I found new more healthy ways to regain control of my feelings based on what I valued in life besides getting drunk. This is exactly what normal people do. We all experience adversity. How we choose to respond is a product of what we have learned growing up and we can also unlearn it. No one gets addicted to a substance unless they have learned it does something for them. Reverse engineer this concept.
Values and purpose should be the main navigational tools in life. I know longer want more than two drinks for the same reason a normal person does. I no longer like the way it makes me feel. I like myself normal! I'm a better person for it. I'm a slow learner though. I was on auto-pilot most of my adult life. It took my four and half decades to come to this realization.
If they did, I think it is a given that alcoholism would be seen in epidemic proportions. It's human nature to take the easy route.
But it has only ever been a relatively small percentage of drinkers who develop into severe cases.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
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For me being by myself is a personal choice. I like people, except for those that I don't, and I'm happy having just one or two close friends. I will go out of my way to smooth differences with those I am close with, and to cultivate such relationships. But this doesn't mean I spend a lot of time with them. I like the quiet. I live out in the woods in an isolated community without a stoplight. This has become my eventual default state in sobriety, which I would describe as my comfort zone. One of my friends tells me, he doesn't think this is good for me. But that is not my opinion at all.
When I started in sobriety, I went to meetings every night, our group had New Year's Eve parties, and special events. That was early on when I needed support, contact, advice, and celebration of sobriety. Eventually, I drifted away from so much social contact. I believe that being alone much of the time is where I need to be. Not at the beginning, however. Back then I needed social contact and support, this may not be true for everyone.
So where should you be? What's your normal? I can't say. We are all different. Good questions to ask would be, "Are you happy," and "Are you sober?" Being lonely is in my opinion, not a good thing, but that is something entirely different from being alone, and they should not be confused, if that makes any sense.
Stay focused on learning to be sober and demanding of your own sobriety. I think the goal is to never drink again, but to do things along the way that bring you pleasure. This whole thing involves a lot of change, not all at once, and it's not a cakewalk, but if you feel things are getting better little by little, you're most likely on a good path.
When I started in sobriety, I went to meetings every night, our group had New Year's Eve parties, and special events. That was early on when I needed support, contact, advice, and celebration of sobriety. Eventually, I drifted away from so much social contact. I believe that being alone much of the time is where I need to be. Not at the beginning, however. Back then I needed social contact and support, this may not be true for everyone.
So where should you be? What's your normal? I can't say. We are all different. Good questions to ask would be, "Are you happy," and "Are you sober?" Being lonely is in my opinion, not a good thing, but that is something entirely different from being alone, and they should not be confused, if that makes any sense.
Stay focused on learning to be sober and demanding of your own sobriety. I think the goal is to never drink again, but to do things along the way that bring you pleasure. This whole thing involves a lot of change, not all at once, and it's not a cakewalk, but if you feel things are getting better little by little, you're most likely on a good path.
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^^^Yes to almost all of that (we all know I can handle $8 beignets 
)!
being alone is not the same thing as being lonely. I also learned that while I had ALWAYS been considered the ultimate extrovert...and that role is indeed a facility that is ingrained and automatic...I also have huge introvert tendencies, a need to recharge, and a chameleon like agility that blurs those lines.
All a process in our sober journey.
)!being alone is not the same thing as being lonely. I also learned that while I had ALWAYS been considered the ultimate extrovert...and that role is indeed a facility that is ingrained and automatic...I also have huge introvert tendencies, a need to recharge, and a chameleon like agility that blurs those lines.
All a process in our sober journey.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: California
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Originally Posted by ciowa
Hawking22, Good morning and thanks for sharing. I was a binge drinker and during my IOP I realized I had begun to use alcohol as a coping mechanism. It didn't start out like that but over time I became so reliant on alcohol to numb out that almost any trivial thing was enough to get my anger going.
For the first month of recovery I focused on being sober and staying in a peaceful place. I even relocated for my recovery just to be among strangers and offline. But after about a month I realized I would have to rejoin my 'on pause' life and that it was still going to come with challenges, stresses and conflicts, all of which were triggers to my drinking before.
I started to focus a lot on mindfulness, meditation, conflict resolution and other things in preparation. I had to rebuild my resiliency again if I was to remain sober. Things are working a lot better for me now. Things that would have made me angry in the past don't mean much. Granted, if someone was to walk up and slap me in the face then Id defend myself, but someone honking at me in traffic, giving me a weird look, voicing an opinion I disagree with, stuff like that doesn't set me off anymore like in the depths of my drinking life.
I learned a lot of those tools in iop and also smart recovery but i've also taken some good things from aa. I wish you well on your journey.
For the first month of recovery I focused on being sober and staying in a peaceful place. I even relocated for my recovery just to be among strangers and offline. But after about a month I realized I would have to rejoin my 'on pause' life and that it was still going to come with challenges, stresses and conflicts, all of which were triggers to my drinking before.
I started to focus a lot on mindfulness, meditation, conflict resolution and other things in preparation. I had to rebuild my resiliency again if I was to remain sober. Things are working a lot better for me now. Things that would have made me angry in the past don't mean much. Granted, if someone was to walk up and slap me in the face then Id defend myself, but someone honking at me in traffic, giving me a weird look, voicing an opinion I disagree with, stuff like that doesn't set me off anymore like in the depths of my drinking life.
I learned a lot of those tools in iop and also smart recovery but i've also taken some good things from aa. I wish you well on your journey.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Posts: 182
\ Wow, I am so glad I posted. I wish you were all here a year and a half ago! It's wonderful to hear that there is no "one size fits all" approach and at the end of the day, the most precious gem is our sobriety. I liked your bit about being lonely versus being alone. I have certainly come to relish my alone time, much to the chagrin of friends and relatives...the loneliness seems to come in whenever I do experience pleasure or happiness in sobriety and have no one to share it with (I went to Mount Shasta by myself one of the first weekends I was sober and it was breathtaking. It seemed like it didn't happen because I wasn't with anyone and there was no documentation of the trip besides a journal entry). That to me is something I'll need to work on. I've never had a really good long bout of sobriety so I hate that I lie in judgment that life will always be the same.
Originally Posted by DriGuy
For me being by myself is a personal choice. I like people, except for those that I don't, and I'm happy having just one or two close friends. I will go out of my way to smooth differences with those I am close with, and to cultivate such relationships. But this doesn't mean I spend a lot of time with them. I like the quiet. I live out in the woods in an isolated community without a stoplight. This has become my eventual default state in sobriety, which I would describe as my comfort zone. One of my friends tells me, he doesn't think this is good for me. But that is not my opinion at all.
When I started in sobriety, I went to meetings every night, our group had New Year's Eve parties, and special events. That was early on when I needed support, contact, advice, and celebration of sobriety. Eventually, I drifted away from so much social contact. I believe that being alone much of the time is where I need to be. Not at the beginning, however. Back then I needed social contact and support, this may not be true for everyone.
So where should you be? What's your normal? I can't say. We are all different. Good questions to ask would be, "Are you happy," and "Are you sober?" Being lonely is in my opinion, not a good thing, but that is something entirely different from being alone, and they should not be confused, if that makes any sense.
Stay focused on learning to be sober and demanding of your own sobriety. I think the goal is to never drink again, but to do things along the way that bring you pleasure. This whole thing involves a lot of change, not all at once, and it's not a cakewalk, but if you feel things are getting better little by little, you're most likely on a good path.
When I started in sobriety, I went to meetings every night, our group had New Year's Eve parties, and special events. That was early on when I needed support, contact, advice, and celebration of sobriety. Eventually, I drifted away from so much social contact. I believe that being alone much of the time is where I need to be. Not at the beginning, however. Back then I needed social contact and support, this may not be true for everyone.
So where should you be? What's your normal? I can't say. We are all different. Good questions to ask would be, "Are you happy," and "Are you sober?" Being lonely is in my opinion, not a good thing, but that is something entirely different from being alone, and they should not be confused, if that makes any sense.
Stay focused on learning to be sober and demanding of your own sobriety. I think the goal is to never drink again, but to do things along the way that bring you pleasure. This whole thing involves a lot of change, not all at once, and it's not a cakewalk, but if you feel things are getting better little by little, you're most likely on a good path.
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Well, you know how to spell 'judgment' so I say you're going to be awesome at being sober (this is one of my own most judgmental things about others!)
I'll add to the time w others thing that the quality of my companionship is SO much better- and worth my time, ha. I really LIKE the people I have in my life. I'm happy being with my husband (and v versa) and when I'm one or three on one w gf, or we do couple stuff w just a couple other pairs....such a treasure.
We don't get a lot of time here on earth so spending it well, particularly about the stuff we can choose like friends (even fam - but that's a whole other topic!) is a gift.
(this is one of my own most judgmental things about others!)I'll add to the time w others thing that the quality of my companionship is SO much better- and worth my time, ha. I really LIKE the people I have in my life. I'm happy being with my husband (and v versa) and when I'm one or three on one w gf, or we do couple stuff w just a couple other pairs....such a treasure.
We don't get a lot of time here on earth so spending it well, particularly about the stuff we can choose like friends (even fam - but that's a whole other topic!) is a gift.
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Originally Posted by CRRHCC
"P.S. I know this is probably an extremely unpopular opinion, but I was very involved with AA and NA for the first three attempts at sobriety and am no longer a fan."
Read the book Freedom Method Escape the Treatment and Recover Trap."
The authors present addiction as a choice, not a disease over which we have no control. We all have free will and can choose our, "Best available option for happiness.” This premise might seem trite at first thought, but it is ripe with profound meaning and backed with cutting edge research. Addiction is actually a learned behavior. No one gets addicted to a substance or behavior unless they have learned it does something (reward) for them! One engages in specific behaviors because they believe it will give them temporary happiness. They stop abusing when they decide abusing is not the best option for their happiness. They stop abusing when they decide (REASON) abusing is not the best option for their happiness. This is precisely why the evidence shows that most people mature out of their addiction (NESARC) . The authors use reason, science and evidence for their premise. The book clarifies the need to address your problems where they actually exist: In the realm of personal choice!
Read the book Freedom Method Escape the Treatment and Recover Trap."
The authors present addiction as a choice, not a disease over which we have no control. We all have free will and can choose our, "Best available option for happiness.” This premise might seem trite at first thought, but it is ripe with profound meaning and backed with cutting edge research. Addiction is actually a learned behavior. No one gets addicted to a substance or behavior unless they have learned it does something (reward) for them! One engages in specific behaviors because they believe it will give them temporary happiness. They stop abusing when they decide abusing is not the best option for their happiness. They stop abusing when they decide (REASON) abusing is not the best option for their happiness. This is precisely why the evidence shows that most people mature out of their addiction (NESARC) . The authors use reason, science and evidence for their premise. The book clarifies the need to address your problems where they actually exist: In the realm of personal choice!
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^^AA was my last choice, to say the least. It is my foundation tho, plus other stuff I can use and keep growing from. I always suggest checking out Friar Richard Rohr of the CAC - he weaves many wisdom traditions, modern teachings, even AA into his 'radical' but basic tenet of love.
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Originally Posted by Derringer
Hi Hawking
Welcome to SR 😊
For me it came down to realising my number one trigger was that 'I'm awake'
There is no specific trigger, some might be worse than others but that really ... anything could do it.
I'm angry, I'm sad, happy, celebratory, anxious, nervous, ecstatic, bored, restless .... whatever.
Out of those, angry, sad are probably the worst, but anything else has at times, set me off.
It boils down to, finding new ways to change the way we feel without resorting to booze.
At times it helps to separate our inner dialogue from reality. Someone makes a smart ass comment and we take it so personally and it drags us down.
If they are making one at you, they are probably directing them at everyone else too, but no one else cared so much that they immediately wanted to run home and drink.
They just thought "good old Dick, being his usual smart ass self again" and went about their day.
Watch how normies react and try to be like them. The more you do it the easier it gets, act better than you feel and your head will catch up.
Welcome to SR 😊
For me it came down to realising my number one trigger was that 'I'm awake'
There is no specific trigger, some might be worse than others but that really ... anything could do it.
I'm angry, I'm sad, happy, celebratory, anxious, nervous, ecstatic, bored, restless .... whatever.
Out of those, angry, sad are probably the worst, but anything else has at times, set me off.
It boils down to, finding new ways to change the way we feel without resorting to booze.
At times it helps to separate our inner dialogue from reality. Someone makes a smart ass comment and we take it so personally and it drags us down.
If they are making one at you, they are probably directing them at everyone else too, but no one else cared so much that they immediately wanted to run home and drink.
They just thought "good old Dick, being his usual smart ass self again" and went about their day.
Watch how normies react and try to be like them. The more you do it the easier it gets, act better than you feel and your head will catch up.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
In general people don't do things to me, they just do things. If they act like a jerk, they acted like a jerk. It may have been directed towards me. It may have been about me. It may have nothing to do with me at all. It only does to me what I allow it to.
In those moments I like this quote by Mother Teresa "Some people come in our life as blessings. Some come in your life as lessons."
What lessons can I learn when someone acts like a jerk? I can learn how not to behave. I can learn how not to treat other people. I can learn compassion because obviously the jerk is suffering from their attempts at dealing with life and thus not handling it well and behaving badly as a result because they don't know any other way. I can learn empathy because there are probably instances in my past where I have exhibited similar behavior that I am not proud of and don't wish to repeat. I can learn about myself. What is it in me that causes my reaction and how can I change what is causing the reaction? I can learn gratitude as I thank the jerk for the opportunity to learn and grow into a better me.
I just try to remember that it is all good. The world is a classroom and even though I hate homework, I am working on changing that part about me. :~)
In those moments I like this quote by Mother Teresa "Some people come in our life as blessings. Some come in your life as lessons."
What lessons can I learn when someone acts like a jerk? I can learn how not to behave. I can learn how not to treat other people. I can learn compassion because obviously the jerk is suffering from their attempts at dealing with life and thus not handling it well and behaving badly as a result because they don't know any other way. I can learn empathy because there are probably instances in my past where I have exhibited similar behavior that I am not proud of and don't wish to repeat. I can learn about myself. What is it in me that causes my reaction and how can I change what is causing the reaction? I can learn gratitude as I thank the jerk for the opportunity to learn and grow into a better me.
I just try to remember that it is all good. The world is a classroom and even though I hate homework, I am working on changing that part about me. :~)
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Originally Posted by Hawking22
\
I have certainly come to relish my alone time, much to the chagrin of friends and relatives...the loneliness seems to come in whenever I do experience pleasure or happiness in sobriety and have no one to share it with (I went to Mount Shasta by myself one of the first weekends I was sober and it was breathtaking. It seemed like it didn't happen because I wasn't with anyone and there was no documentation of the trip besides a journal entry).
I have certainly come to relish my alone time, much to the chagrin of friends and relatives...the loneliness seems to come in whenever I do experience pleasure or happiness in sobriety and have no one to share it with (I went to Mount Shasta by myself one of the first weekends I was sober and it was breathtaking. It seemed like it didn't happen because I wasn't with anyone and there was no documentation of the trip besides a journal entry).
I left on my own from Chicago and moved to the mountains of Montana when I was seventeen. That summer I hiked all over the place mostly by myself because I hadn't yet made any hiking buddies. The first time I stood on a ridge top I was overwhelmed looking at a sea of ridges and white capped peaks that stretched on for miles. The experience was intensified because I was alone, and I had this strange desire that I could have some way to telepath my view back to friends in Chicago. But of course I couldn't.
But I also know that when I'm with someone, I tend to focus on the other person more, because we are talking, and being human, we people tend to focus on other people. I like hiking with a partner, but I never feel as overwhelmed by nature as much as when I'm alone. Most of my hiking was by myself. It still is today. I have a hiking partner now, but I'm only with her about one fourth of the time when I'm out there.
Here's a bit of an edit: For 17 years in Montana, most of my hiking was actually done with my dog. We were inseparable. He was the best hiking partner I ever had, and he never seemed to affect that overwhelming feeling I was always after. Go figure.
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One of the best things I have learned in sobriety, as nez says, is "it's not about me." What other people do has nothing to do with me most of the time- and if I just assume it doesn't, it's even better. A boundary I've learned, tho, is certainly paying attention if someone tells me it is about me
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A little story on learning from 'Normies'
Me and a normie were driving along, me in the passenger seat and we are talking about all the crazy driving we've seen.
He says "sometimes all you gotta do to pee some people off is drive the speed limit"
Then right on cue, another car pulls out of a side street and is tailgating us, veering left and right to see if they can squeeze past and sitting a metre or so off our back bumper.
We were doing 50 in a 50 zone, how dare we !!!
My pulse started racing and immediately I'm having a conversation in my head about what I'd like to say to this person behind us.
He just sat there and eventually the traffic cleared and this guy overtook us and zoomed off into the distance and flipped us the bird.
I was furious, he started laughing.
"See what I mean"
I just thought, jeez I wanna be able to be like that one day.
By practicing that type of laugh it off attitude, now I am. But it did take a lot of practice.
Me and a normie were driving along, me in the passenger seat and we are talking about all the crazy driving we've seen.
He says "sometimes all you gotta do to pee some people off is drive the speed limit"
Then right on cue, another car pulls out of a side street and is tailgating us, veering left and right to see if they can squeeze past and sitting a metre or so off our back bumper.
We were doing 50 in a 50 zone, how dare we !!!
My pulse started racing and immediately I'm having a conversation in my head about what I'd like to say to this person behind us.
He just sat there and eventually the traffic cleared and this guy overtook us and zoomed off into the distance and flipped us the bird.
I was furious, he started laughing.
"See what I mean"
I just thought, jeez I wanna be able to be like that one day.
By practicing that type of laugh it off attitude, now I am. But it did take a lot of practice.
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