Waking up to a SOBER WEEKEND - WEEKENDERS 24 - 27 January 2020
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,202
Good to "see" you Snufkin. Congratulations on passing the one year sober mark!
If I were you I would be hurt that he did not tell you he had a child in a year of being together. Fair enough not mentioning it on a first date but once you are in a serious relationship you cannot have secrets like that. Also he says he wants to "inspire" her to be a better person than her mother but presumably he has not had any contact with her so he is in no position to say things like that. Even if his ex did cheat on him that is not his daughter's fault. For those reasons I don't think there will be too much drama over his daughter - if he really wanted to see her he would have done so by now.
In my opinion the real issue is how you feel about his lack of openness about something so fundamental. I would ask him why he didn't tell you and then see how you feel about things after he has given you his reply.
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This is just my opinion jr but Spiral is right up there with The Wire, The Soprano's, Breaking Bad or The Bridge. There are lots of seasons of it too.
Here is the Aardman clip, as I say it is not their usual style although it starts off that way. Serious stuff.
https://youtu.be/cQB4RAZVMf4
If I were you I would be hurt that he did not tell you he had a child in a year of being together. Fair enough not mentioning it on a first date but once you are in a serious relationship you cannot have secrets like that. Also he says he wants to "inspire" her to be a better person than her mother but presumably he has not had any contact with her so he is in no position to say things like that. Even if his ex did cheat on him that is not his daughter's fault. For those reasons I don't think there will be too much drama over his daughter - if he really wanted to see her he would have done so by now.
In my opinion the real issue is how you feel about his lack of openness about something so fundamental. I would ask him why he didn't tell you and then see how you feel about things after he has given you his reply.
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This is just my opinion jr but Spiral is right up there with The Wire, The Soprano's, Breaking Bad or The Bridge. There are lots of seasons of it too.
Here is the Aardman clip, as I say it is not their usual style although it starts off that way. Serious stuff.
https://youtu.be/cQB4RAZVMf4
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 782
Hello weekenders. I'm in once again and grateful as always to be here. Thanks Mags for the thread - waking up sober never gets old.
Lots has been happening this week. I saw my alcohol counsellor for a catch up having not visited her for a couple of months. It went well and she is urging me to move forwards on all fronts. We discussed how my second year of sobriety will still be hard work, but of a different kind to my first. We're hopefully into a developmental phase now rather than just following my recovery plan as if my life depended on it (which it did...).
I've had some worries though as to how to cope with uncertainly in life now that I'm sober. In the past, my first recourse in handling any situation I could not control was to head to the pub for 'perspective'. Now I'm not sure how to cope - my numerous spreadsheets and plans can't help with the unknown and this is starting to worry me. I suppose this is the 'serenity to accept the things I cannot change' that I should be understanding by now. So far ODAAT has got me through but am I missing something here?
Anyway, this weekend I'll be seeing my family, hopefully solving a rather knotty software bug we've discovered in our main product, taking some long walks in the fresh air and doing some jobs around the house. All good, sober stuff.
Oh and Hi jr67 - Aardman Animations are a great British export - do have a look - http://www.aardman.com/
Warm wishes to all. Forwards.
Lots has been happening this week. I saw my alcohol counsellor for a catch up having not visited her for a couple of months. It went well and she is urging me to move forwards on all fronts. We discussed how my second year of sobriety will still be hard work, but of a different kind to my first. We're hopefully into a developmental phase now rather than just following my recovery plan as if my life depended on it (which it did...).
I've had some worries though as to how to cope with uncertainly in life now that I'm sober. In the past, my first recourse in handling any situation I could not control was to head to the pub for 'perspective'. Now I'm not sure how to cope - my numerous spreadsheets and plans can't help with the unknown and this is starting to worry me. I suppose this is the 'serenity to accept the things I cannot change' that I should be understanding by now. So far ODAAT has got me through but am I missing something here?
Anyway, this weekend I'll be seeing my family, hopefully solving a rather knotty software bug we've discovered in our main product, taking some long walks in the fresh air and doing some jobs around the house. All good, sober stuff.
Oh and Hi jr67 - Aardman Animations are a great British export - do have a look - http://www.aardman.com/
Warm wishes to all. Forwards.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,424
Originally Posted by Snufkin 
Hello Weekenders, I need to talk to you guys... I don’t want to get into too much detail but I’m feeling some urges to drink due to a relationship drama that I’ve gotten myself into... My boyfriend and I have been together around 1 year, we also live together. Yesterday I found out that that he has a 9 years old daughter. Apparently his ex girlfriend has messaged him last night saying that his daughter wants to get to know him.
To be honest, I’m freaking out... a little?? I never wanted kids myself, I avoid my own family so I’m far from any sort of drama and this entire situation is just too hard for me. Am I being selfish for considering leaving this relationship? I love my bf and I care so much about him, but I want a drama-free life and I can’t stop thinking about how complicated things may get. I feel like I’ve only just started knowing and trying to like myself sober and I’m still figuring stuff out.
I believe he wants to take some responsibility and he would like to be a part of his daughter’s life now, but he hates his ex-girlfriend as supposedly some awful stuff happened between them... He believes he can ‘inspire’ his child to be a ‘better person than her mother’. Wtf? This is so messed up! They don’t even live in the same country. I don't want to take any part in this mess and I suppose I could take a step back and let him figure it out himself, but I can’t just... stop overthinking.
We’ve had so many arguments over the past two days and he’s mad at me for not being ‘supportive’. He said I really hurt him for not supporting him when he really needed it and that I only think about myself. I agree that I said some hurtful stuff I now regret. I’m very insecure and can be emotional.
I’m not going to drink (almost 13 months sober, yay!), but I do feel a strong urge for reaching for something that would dull my feelings.
I’m so sorry for this soap opera, guys... I’m glad I could type it all out. Thank you
To be honest, I’m freaking out... a little?? I never wanted kids myself, I avoid my own family so I’m far from any sort of drama and this entire situation is just too hard for me. Am I being selfish for considering leaving this relationship? I love my bf and I care so much about him, but I want a drama-free life and I can’t stop thinking about how complicated things may get. I feel like I’ve only just started knowing and trying to like myself sober and I’m still figuring stuff out.
I believe he wants to take some responsibility and he would like to be a part of his daughter’s life now, but he hates his ex-girlfriend as supposedly some awful stuff happened between them... He believes he can ‘inspire’ his child to be a ‘better person than her mother’. Wtf? This is so messed up! They don’t even live in the same country. I don't want to take any part in this mess and I suppose I could take a step back and let him figure it out himself, but I can’t just... stop overthinking.
We’ve had so many arguments over the past two days and he’s mad at me for not being ‘supportive’. He said I really hurt him for not supporting him when he really needed it and that I only think about myself. I agree that I said some hurtful stuff I now regret. I’m very insecure and can be emotional.
I’m not going to drink (almost 13 months sober, yay!), but I do feel a strong urge for reaching for something that would dull my feelings.
I’m so sorry for this soap opera, guys... I’m glad I could type it all out. Thank you
Congrats on 13 months.
I'm pretty sure that drinking won't help in any way. I've tested that theory quite a few times.
Has there been a pattern of deceit and lack of communication regarding major issues in your relationship? Is this the first time anything like this has happened?
Is the relationship with your boyfriend a drama factory under ordinary daily conditions or is it normally pretty stable?
If he's not going to be supportive of you and you are not going to be supportive of him, you already have bigger problems than a 9 year old in another country.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Hi Snuf
if this is a good relationship you'll weather the storm and get through
This must be a bit of a shock but I'd try not to freak out too much.
I learned over the years that just because my partner might a mum, that didn't mean I had to be a dad - or that she (or the child) wanted me to be..
I agree that drinking would only make this situation exponentially worse.
Breathe - you'll get through this.
D
if this is a good relationship you'll weather the storm and get through
This must be a bit of a shock but I'd try not to freak out too much.
I learned over the years that just because my partner might a mum, that didn't mean I had to be a dad - or that she (or the child) wanted me to be..
I agree that drinking would only make this situation exponentially worse.
Breathe - you'll get through this.
D
Magsie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,668
Snuf, I can imagine the news being a shock to you, good that you didn’t drink over it. ....there’ll be many questions running round in your mind. Maybe a conversation you should have when you’re both calm.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 8,762
Thanks Mags, but I can’t. It was a self-check in place because it’s a long weekend and everyone is off on holidays. They left a key and a welcome note and everything we might “need” in the room.
But I just went to the supermarket and got icecream and scoffed some already and I stocked up on soft drinks and chocolate .......
Thank you for being here
But I just went to the supermarket and got icecream and scoffed some already and I stocked up on soft drinks and chocolate .......
Thank you for being here
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 7,059
That would do my head in too Willow. Get rid of it. Proudly tell reception that you are in recovery and you would like it removed.
Addiction is so sneaky, someone gifted me a bottle of wine at Xmas and until it was out of my house I totally obsessed over it. Even though I could of bought wine anytime this one particular bottle seemed to have permission to drink printed on it. I think the AV tells us we didn't ask for it but here it is must be fate.
Snufkin us alcoholics act on impulses. Just try and step back and let the emotions settle before making any major decisions. Act in haste repent at leisure. Take care of you.
Addiction is so sneaky, someone gifted me a bottle of wine at Xmas and until it was out of my house I totally obsessed over it. Even though I could of bought wine anytime this one particular bottle seemed to have permission to drink printed on it. I think the AV tells us we didn't ask for it but here it is must be fate.
Snufkin us alcoholics act on impulses. Just try and step back and let the emotions settle before making any major decisions. Act in haste repent at leisure. Take care of you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
I know its not useful information now but that is why I always request nothing in my mini bar ahead of time.
Its a little bottle of poison for you or me Willow.
who would willingly drink poison?
You can always dump it in a bin far away from your room.
D
Its a little bottle of poison for you or me Willow.
who would willingly drink poison?
You can always dump it in a bin far away from your room.
D
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 8,762
Reception is closed all weekend Kaily 
Dee that’s good advice, I will do that in future, but I was unaware it had a minibar, most places say that on their online description but this one didn’t. It’s not a hotel but little cottages and most similar places only have tea and coffee facilities.
But anyway if I throw it all out I have to pay for it all, a whole multitude of different things that are really expensive (I checked the price list and I can’t afford to pay for them all).
But I CAN tip out the complimentary port because that’s free and if I just tip it out they’re not to know...
My partner asked what it was as it’s in a decanter and I stupidly sniffed it
Dee that’s good advice, I will do that in future, but I was unaware it had a minibar, most places say that on their online description but this one didn’t. It’s not a hotel but little cottages and most similar places only have tea and coffee facilities.
But anyway if I throw it all out I have to pay for it all, a whole multitude of different things that are really expensive (I checked the price list and I can’t afford to pay for them all).
But I CAN tip out the complimentary port because that’s free and if I just tip it out they’re not to know...
My partner asked what it was as it’s in a decanter and I stupidly sniffed it
Magsie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,668
Willow....good to stock up on soft drinks and chocolate. Get your tools out (ice cream counts 
) don’t forget the ‘play the tape’ and have them ready for any emergencies (forget the romance of booze remember the torture of it). If you find you can’t take your mind off them...get rid. And enjoy your Sober Weekend. x
) don’t forget the ‘play the tape’ and have them ready for any emergencies (forget the romance of booze remember the torture of it). If you find you can’t take your mind off them...get rid. And enjoy your Sober Weekend. x
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 8,762
I just ate two huge scoops of icecream and half a packet of chocolates and had two big glasses of soft drink even though it’s nearly dinner time.. we’re going to a restaurant down the road in half an hour and hopefully I’ll be so darn full I won’t be able to even contemplate drinking anything by the time I’ve stuffed dinner down on top of the icecream, soft drinks and chocolate.... 
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