Help please- not drinking but emotional
 

Hi, does anyone here speak Italian? Or a psychologist? I really want to talk about something with someone who can understand.
Yesterday I received the report from the court ordered psychologist and I am just a mess after reading it all. I\d like to get some feedback from someone.
It is 35 pages long, in Italian, I don't understand everything but what I do understand has made me very upset.
one good thing is that the first entry is from the first meeting with my ex - so without any input from me, my psychologist, anyone- and they note immediately ACTUALLY WRITE IT OUT, that he is a narcissist and thinks himself to be better than everyone.
The bad, and there is a lot, but to be brief, they note my emotional instability, my bi-polar disorder and the thing that hurt the most is that they said I seem "cold" and "fake" with little warmth and eye contact with my children. This was a situation where I had to meet with my children in a new room, a new place, with new toys while being physically observed by the psychologist and knowing that I was being video and audio recorded. I was a nervous wreck! Also, I do not thin they took into consideration the cultural differences. I am NOT Italian! I am not "hot" like a latin woman, I am kind, caring, loving and open to all people but in a much different way culturally.
I am just so upset they think these things of me and my style of parenting. They did note when I "caressed" my son's head and the engagement that took place but they said I was "cold" I am not cold!
The rest of the document mostly talked about me and my problems with alcohol and depression and I actually learned a lot. It was pointed out- as has been pointed out here! and in therapy- how isolated I am and how I feel angry at Italy for my problems. I do need to get past this and it was good for me to see it in black and white. They said I seem paranoid and angry, that I had a tendency to be "histrionic" and go all over the place during my meetings.
I need to get past this for me, but I also need to train myself on certain behaviour patterns in order to "pass" these coming meetings.
We had court last week and the judge did not grant my ex full custody but said there would be a year of monitoring before the final decision was made. So I have to go back to this psychologist (as does my ex) once every two to three months for the next year. I absolutely must present better in order to get my children back!

Hi Mera

I don't speak Italian and I'm m not a psychologist but it seems to me your future does not hinge on this one report.

You have a year to consistently present yourself as a kind considerate and determined woman, breaking free of her past and presenting her credentials as an appropriate person for custody.

Not drinking will aid that process no end :)

I think you'll be amazed at the difference a year can make - and so I hope will the judges lawyers and who ever else is hearing this case.

Its natural I think to catastrophise when this is so important to you - it looks like a mountain and you fear an unfavorable outcome - but show them the real Mera - living in recovery and loving it, growing as a person every day.

Any half decent judge cannot fail to take that into consideration.

Things can and will be ok :)

D

Prove yourself on the ground Mera.

Just keep taking the next right step and as Dee says, you will be surprised at the difference a year can make. You will be the Mera you know yourself to be. And the next report should reflect this.

I can totally sympathise with your situation, however I do not speak Italian and am not a psychologist..
We took my partners ex to court for day to day care of his 8 Yr old as the mother is emotionally manipulating the child and the child had wanted to move to our house. They threw my partner out and said he was the horrible and abusive one.. She manipulated the child so much against coming to us by the time it went to court. It was the most gut wrenching process I've had to go through or watch my partner go through. The mother is a narcissist and there is no end to her lies and deceit and parental alienation.. It is so unfair, just like what's happening with you.

All you can do Mera is show that you are a good person.. This means not drinking to start and also remembering that how you are feeling will pass over, don't dwell on it or it can destroy you. Take the bits from it that you can use to make yourself a better person. The courts are not geared towards fairness, someone always loses..

I completely understand the difference in cultures, Latin cultures are very hot blooded and affectionate and vocal in their interactions, it has caused great conflict and mis communication in my past relationships..

Have you thought of seeking help of how to deal with a narcissistic Co parent? Even just a support group, they have them online..

I will keep you in my thoughts and I hope you will be OK. Drop me a PM if you want to chat..

I wish I could help you, I just can't imagine the feelings of helplessness and frustration you must have. Please please prove them wrong, don't drink and persistently keep going xxx

Hi Mera, as Dee said things can and will be ok. Good on your for sharing, but you can conquer this hurdle.

Hey Mera,

I'm also not a psychologist or anything, so I can't help you with the report. However, I do think it's important now in this moment and going forward not to panic. I always find writing down what you can do in the short and long term to handle this situation. Because there's always things you can do. :)

I wish you the best.

Kind thoughts and support Mera.

Mera, this was a first report, you have a year to prove yourself, which I feel sure you will. Do you recall first impressions, and how sometimes you got it wrong? Psychologists aren't immune to that. Just be your loving self, it will shine through.

You just keep being you Mera. Show up on time. Keep doing everything so that they can check the boxes on the form. If you focus on your sobriety and your kids the misconceptions they have about you will all come out in the wash. Healthy, sober, clear-headed and upright, you will be just fine. The Court will see that.

Mera, I think you could take a deep breath and look at what you can do during the next year to help things work in your favour. Clearly you are on track with your sobriety and seeing a therapist. Trying to remain calm and focused during meetings and not appearing 'cold' seems difficult. I agree with the comment that you blame being in Italy for your problems but I know you are doing your best to make things work. I know you've done volunteer work there and helped out your neighbours, but I think you feel stuck there because of your ex and your children. Maybe your therapist could offer advice about that?

Do look at the positives and how well you are doing right now. Look at this year as a time to grow and move forward and work on getting custody of your boys.

Ok, so the verdict came back. I apologise if this is confusing as I have been back and forth but apparently I have not understood very well my own self what the process is.
So, we went to court. The judges came back with the verdict DENYING my ex the "super exclusive custody" that he asked for. They granted him physical custody but I am still the mother and any and all decisions regarding their education, medical issues, travel, discipline, etc are shared with me. The court ordered psychologist had recommended a year of monitoring and then a review of the case to make a final verdict. However, the court, based on interviews with my psychologist, my psychiatrist, my son's psychologist, the "educator" (sort of a social services person but privately hired to help with parenting issue- for both myself and the father) and my court ordered psychologist "di parte" (there is the court ordered psychologist int he middle- the boss, then each party is required to have their own court ordered psychologist 'on their side') so, going on, based on these interviews and reports they decided to set a court date for JUNE 5th!!!!!!!!! So only five months from now. If all is going well then and there are still good reports they will close the case then and we will return to shared custody.

The court also dictated that during these next few months my time with the children should gradually increase as they feel it is necessary for the children.

They highlighted in their report the enormous effort I am putting into getting better and stated I seemed to be a "bright, compassionate, loving" woman.

They only thing that went against me was the request for child support. But I agree with this, it is fair given the kids stay primarily with their father. My lawyer argued (even against my wishes) that I deserved some sort of support as I gave up great job opportunities in the US in order to stay here in Italy to keep the kids close to their father. But money does not concern me. If that comes, so be it, if not, I have always survived. She asked for a crazy amount anyway- €1500 a month!!!! Which she based on his income and assets. The law in Italy is that children should experience the same standard of living with both parents. But I am actually happy to show my kids how the other "99%" lives.

Anyway, I am feeling good and just trying to keep going.

Thank you for the update!

Mera that is fantastic news to hear.. Keep on doing your best and I'm sure the final outcome will be a positive one..

That is wonderful news Mera!!!

I'm glad you got some good news Mera :)

D

Mera, that sounds like good news, and it's great motivation for you to continue working on your recovery as you are. Your determination to do the best for your boys is so good to see.

Much admiration and respect for you. I cannot imagine what it must be like going through what you are going through in a foreign country that speaks a foreign language.

Sorry I missed this thread the other day Mera, that’s a great update. I’m glad you will have more time with your boys, and that the date was moved up.

Sending so much love your way my friend.

❤️Delilah

Mera I am really happy for you and your kids.

Keep doing the next right thing as you have been and all will be well :grouphug: