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My boyfriend is a binge drinker Hello, So here’s my story. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 2 years now and have been living together since pretty much the beginning. We are both 27. We’ve had a great relationship until a couple months ago when he started binge drinking on a regular basis and do cocaine (he used to do that and had stopped when we started dating). Our relationship then started to go wrong - he started going out more often and drinking/using more. One weekend he went to New Orleans with a friend of his and I was really worried because this guy friend is also a big drinker/user and has a very open relationship with his wife. Well I was right to be worried because he ended up cheating on me with a random girl (who is a stripper) in his hotel room. They had tons of alcohol and cocaine until 7am and she ended up giving him a *******. When I found out I was devastated and still am affected by this (it happened in September 2019), but I stayed. He did some serious improvement and stopped going out until this weekend. He started drinking like crazy and ended up doing cocaine again after inviting people over to our house until 6am, which I was against but had no power in reasoning him. He opened a drawer where we hide cash and he had cocaine hidden there (which I didn’t know and a couple weeks ago I found cocaine hidden in the powder room) Next day I wake up and 5,000$ is missing from a drawer and his iPhone is gone (probably some of the people that came over stole it) That just brought me back to the night where he cheated on me and I figured if I wouldn’t have been home that night he would’ve most likely cheated. I ended up talking to his family (excluding the cheating part) but really about his alcohol problem (binge drinking, he can spend the whole week not drinking but then gets black out drunk on weekend) because it has caused us too much harm in our relationship- cheating, stuff stolen from our house and not to forget verbal abuse. I am confused on whether or not I should leave him for the cheating or its just really an alcohol/drug problem that needs to be resolved. After speaking to his family he promised he would stop. But how would I know now that this is a pattern every time he or we go out. Please help! |
As a binge drinker in the process of recovery, the thing he can do is stop drinking. There is no drinking in moderation. If I have a drink it’s not just one drink, it’s the whole bottle...every single time. And I am like him, I normally go a month without but then a bottle at once. He just has to realize that it’s a huge issue and ruining his life which it sounds like it is. As for the cocaine I have no experience with that...or the cheating. Although it that’s a regular thing I would have left immediately, personally. I hope he soon realizes his issues and mistakes |
Hey Doudou - SR is a great place to come for support, but I suggest you repost in the Family and Friends of Alcoholics section, where you'll meet many people with lots of experience in what you describe. |
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
(Post 7364214)
Hey Doudou - SR is a great place to come for support, but I suggest you repost in the Family and Friends of Alcoholics section, where you'll meet many people with lots of experience in what you describe. |
I would run away as fast as I could. He addicted and will not stop until he is absolutely ready. This could be tomorrow, 30 years, or never. The cheating is also a show stopper. I would find a good partner that was clean and not a cheater. This is easier said than done. But, the internet is a miracle. Thanks. |
Doudou, it's none of my business but for the sake of discussion, does he seem to feel guilty and disappointed in his self? |
Originally Posted by Cityboy
(Post 7364302)
Doudou, it's none of my business but for the sake of discussion, does he seem to feel guilty and disappointed in his self? PS: I forgot to mention that I recorded him through the night with my phone since in the past he use to be in complete denial of his behaviour because he would black out. Seeing himself insulting me while doing cocaine with his friends, throwing up and barely able to speak really made him see what i’ve been dealing with. Maybe that would help some other people... |
I'm very sorry for your situation. Bringing illegal substances into the home, inviting people into your safe space that would steal from you, being verbally abusive, having girls in the hotel room. All sound like pretty significant violations. Communication can be very tough, but if you make it clear that these are not acceptable behaviors and the behavior patterns continue anyway, you may need to make a decision concerning your own wellbeing. |
You cannot make him stop any of that Doudou and you cannot fix him. Talking to his family, etc., will not affect any of his behavior in the slightest. Only he can change those things and that is only if he wants to. You should, today, write down the way that you want to live. Decide what is important to you and whether he can be a part of that world. Hopefully it will include your boyfriend but perhaps not. You'll be better off knowing even if it is not the result you want. I think the first thing you need to do is find a more stable place to live. If you and your boyfriend are hiding cash to the tune of $5,000 in a dresser drawer, you aren't acting like a mature couple who should be on their own together. Trouble waiting to happen. Your situation doesn't sound safe at all. Keep posting here and let us know how things are going. Unless a person in your boyfriend's situation seeks help, these things are typically progressive and get worse with time, not better. |
Originally Posted by Surrendered19
(Post 7364321)
You cannot make him stop any of that Doudou and you cannot fix him. Talking to his family, etc., will not affect any of his behavior in the slightest. Only he can change those things and that is only if he wants to. You should, today, write down the way that you want to live. Decide what is important to you and whether he can be a part of that world. Hopefully it will include your boyfriend but perhaps not. You'll be better off knowing even if it is not the result you want. I think the first thing you need to do is find a more stable place to live. If you and your boyfriend are hiding cash to the tune of $5,000 in a dresser drawer, you aren't acting like a mature couple who should be on their own together. Trouble waiting to happen. Your situation doesn't sound safe at all. Keep posting here and let us know how things are going. Unless a person in your boyfriend's situation seeks help, these things are typically progressive and get worse with time, not better. |
Thank you for sharing your story Doudou. Hope things work out. |
Welcome and im sorry to hear about what you are going through. I just want to share that, as a binge drinker, i too used to feel very regretful after a binge episode due to my behavior and also the withdrawal from alcohol. But as time went on and the episode became more distant then id start thinking it would be ok to drink again. It wasnt until i actively took the steps to begin recovery, beyind simply making promises to otherrs, that i actually stopped drinking. It had to start with me and making a clear change, like outpatient, and not just being "sober" until the next binge |
Hi DouDou Sometimes good girls, get mixed up with bad boys. Bad boys like bad stuff ....., booze, cocaine, loose women, fast cars, violence. Good girls like you are just "something to do" between the bad boy stuff. Sorry to be so blunt, but it's the truth. Don't fall into 'nurse syndrome' where you think you can fix him and get him to be a good boy. You won't, he's not. I hope you can make the right choice for you. |
Thank you for posting, and I’m really sorry you’re in this situation. The only way he will change is if he decides he wants to change. I was a heavy binge drinker for 32 years. I destroyed 2 marriages, and almost my third. No amount of begging or pleading from my husbands nor my family is what convinced me to follow a sober path. You’re an adult, and have to make your own decisions, but if I were in your shoes, I’d leave. Alcohol is one thing, but he has another addiction as well. Plus, cheating for me is a deal breaker. I think you know what you want to do, but were maybe seeking reassurance by posting. You sound like a very intelligent and successful woman. Please don’t let him drag you down into his issues. Perhaps he will get help one day, and the two of you will meet up again. What he’s doing isn’t safe for you though. What if he brings home an STD? Please take care of yourself. :hug: |
I think you should definitely leave him. He is going to ruin your life. |
Originally Posted by Doudou
(Post 7364327)
Hello, thanks for your advice. The 5,000$ in the drawer was money I had withdrawn to change it in USD this week since we are going to the states for a couple weeks. We are both very successful in our careers and make in the 6 figures each of us. Definitely responsible for that life aspect minus his problems obviously which makes it hard to take a decision also. |
Although I agree you can't ever really change anyone, i've met maybe 2 or 3 people in my entire life who took on board what i said, I find the run for the hills answer a bit troubling. 27 is quite young though, and addiction does make us behave abominablly. |
DO what you must. I would not stay in this toxic relationship or environment. |
Hi Doudou. Sorry for the situation you are in. First things first! You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. I would really suggest you visit the Friends and Family forum and check out the threads there: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/ You said: I am confused on whether or not I should leave him for the cheating or its just really an alcohol/drug problem that needs to be resolved This is not a recipe for a good relationship. Not all alcoholics/addicts cheat by the way. Space and distance is really needed so that you can see this situation clearly, perhaps? You can't save him from the drugs and you can't change that he cheated. All those things, the drug abuse and the lack of integrity and abusive ways are HIS problems, not yours (well they are now because you seem to have taken them on, but they are not yours really). You deserve so much better than this. |
I really didn’t want to chime in on this because I’m always skeptical on giving advice on personal relationships. I don’t know you personally or have any idea what you’ve been through. The only picture of this guy I can see is how you describe him. And it isn’t good. Stable people don’t do blow all night and bang strippers in the process. Nobody deserves to be treated the way you are. |
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