Please help quickly...
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Originally Posted by jr67 
Hey SoHard. Long time, no post.
How's your day going?
How's your day going?
Of course, she would then go to bed, and I’d keep drinking until I passed out and feel like death the next day. That was surely NOT a good time.
So, I much prefer not drinking. And, it comes with an infinite amount of pluses. For instance, bc I wasn’t hung over today I could gladly and enthusiastically take my mom to get her hair and nails done, and go grocery shopping for her, and move furniture for her. Tomorrow, I’ll get up early, chat with her some more, have a long and relaxing drive home, pick up the pup and give her a walk, and get ready for Tuesday’s work.
But, despite ALL the good I just listed...I really do miss those loopy wine evenings with my mom. They were fun, for us both. I’m also sorry for her that ‘fun me’ (or, at least, that version of ‘fun me’) has strangely disappeared. My mom is 80 and doesn’t get out much (or rather, at all), so this was her version of really letting loose. Although I’m faux drinking, I’m obviously not the laughing buzzed former me.
I know. I can’t have EVERYTHING. But, I wish I could have all the pluses of sobriety plus wine evenings when I come home to visit my family. But then be back to sober fine me once the morning arrived. So, I’m just trying to not feel guilty for being less fun. We wouldn’t have done any of the above list had I been drinking, though, so I’m trying to feel good about that. Agh - LIFE!
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Originally Posted by Sohard
The only sad thing/ sticking point I have is that my mom and I used to split 2 bottles of wine and get a little loopy and laugh and laugh and laugh together. We sincerely had a great time together.
I wish I could have all the pluses of sobriety plus wine evenings when I come home to visit my family.
But I've gotten to nine and half years sober because I stopped missing drinking.
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl
I don't remember if I was still romancing alcohol at 258 days. Probably.
But I've gotten to nine and half years sober because I stopped missing drinking.
But I've gotten to nine and half years sober because I stopped missing drinking.
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Originally Posted by Sohard
Visiting my mom, who doesn’t know of my issue. I’m at 257 days. She’s ordered wine. We used to drink wine together. It’s cold, snowy, and I’m feeling bored. Just bored. I think drinking would be fun and comforting. I know it would be actually. It would.
but I know I can’t. So I’m asking for help. That’s what everyone says to do. I feel like the decision is out of my hands. Like I’m destined to drink. I always think I’m past this. ****.
but I know I can’t. So I’m asking for help. That’s what everyone says to do. I feel like the decision is out of my hands. Like I’m destined to drink. I always think I’m past this. ****.
The bolded. I constantly had thoughts like that.: "it's only a matter of time before you screw this up." That's the AV talking. You have earned some trust in yourself again. When I finally figured out I could trust myself that voice switched from "it's only a matter of time before you drink" to "I will do whatever I have to do to make sure I make it".
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Originally Posted by Dee74
I still have fun nights out - I just don't drink.
D
D
Since I’m now only having 1-2 fake drinks, it makes my mom drink much less. Which is a good thing obviously. I just need to appreciate those fun times, but move on to a much better life, no looking back! voices ca**y
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Originally Posted by Sohard
Hmmm. I guess that’s the crux of the issue. I really don’t think I am romancing it. I’ve acknowledged all the HELL it came along with. And how much better my life is without it. But, I can’t lie to myself and say I never enjoyed myself, because that wouldn’t be true. I have to move forward as a sober person being honest with myself - that it came with a load of sheer hell, but evenings like I described above were fun. I mean, I think lots of stuff might be fun but not worth it. Lying out in the sun all day might be fun, but skin cancer isn’t worth it. So, I’m trying to be at peace with missing the few fun nights of drinking so that I get ALL the positives that come along with sobriety. But I don’t think that means I have to pretend I didn’t enjoy myself at times. I know there are some alcoholics that really don’t enjoy themselves ever. But there are some that do. I wish I was part of the group that came to hate it. I just came to hate 99.9% of it.
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Originally Posted by silentrun
All the fun I was ever going to have drinking I already had.
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Well yeh Sohard. It's not uncommon to feel like that. I can certainly identify. I had the same feelings myself on saturday when I was out with my friend and our kids. We went to the park and then after we would have usually gone to the pub. I loved doing that and the first few drinks would always be great and we would have that laugh together.
From the Big Boom of AA
" For most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colorful imagination.
It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good. But not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking. The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt—and one more failure."
As you described though, your mum would have her couple of drinks and thats it, as would my friend where as for us we are just getting started. That is my truth and I have acceptance around that today. When I start going into a bit of self pity I turn that around... 1. Acceptance. I am an alcoholic and a couple of "fun" drinks will take me straight to a pit of misery and despair. 2. Gratitude. I have a 100% real authentic relationship with my friends and family today and when I do laugh it is genuine laughter and not because I have imbibed alcohol.
You say you feel bad for your mum because she isnt getting the fun you!! Just because you think something doesn't make it true. I used to think like that and it was absolute rubbish the only people who missed me drinking me were hardcore drinking buddies who always wanted to go and drunk and I had even pushed most of them out of my life with my awful drunken behaviour. Normal drinkers don't think like we do. I bet your mum had a great time and she didnt notice you weren't drinking did she? I know you had ginger ale in your glass but did she mention your company wasn't as fun??
No one cares now if I am drinking or not. If they have their drinks then they are fine. In fact, my family prefer my company now!
You are doing so great. Keep going!!
From the Big Boom of AA
" For most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colorful imagination.
It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good. But not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking. The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt—and one more failure."
As you described though, your mum would have her couple of drinks and thats it, as would my friend where as for us we are just getting started. That is my truth and I have acceptance around that today. When I start going into a bit of self pity I turn that around... 1. Acceptance. I am an alcoholic and a couple of "fun" drinks will take me straight to a pit of misery and despair. 2. Gratitude. I have a 100% real authentic relationship with my friends and family today and when I do laugh it is genuine laughter and not because I have imbibed alcohol.
You say you feel bad for your mum because she isnt getting the fun you!! Just because you think something doesn't make it true. I used to think like that and it was absolute rubbish the only people who missed me drinking me were hardcore drinking buddies who always wanted to go and drunk and I had even pushed most of them out of my life with my awful drunken behaviour. Normal drinkers don't think like we do. I bet your mum had a great time and she didnt notice you weren't drinking did she? I know you had ginger ale in your glass but did she mention your company wasn't as fun??
No one cares now if I am drinking or not. If they have their drinks then they are fine. In fact, my family prefer my company now!
You are doing so great. Keep going!!
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I am glad you made it Sohard.
I would be worried about this episode though. It seems that you have been struggling with this visit for a bit. As super cute as your dog is, it also seems that you are associating your sobriety to something that was not even there when you became sober. However, its absence is a trigger (which could not be a trigger before either).
Not sure what I am trying to say here and I hope it is not inappropriate.
In any case, the most important thing is that you made it through
I would be worried about this episode though. It seems that you have been struggling with this visit for a bit. As super cute as your dog is, it also seems that you are associating your sobriety to something that was not even there when you became sober. However, its absence is a trigger (which could not be a trigger before either).
Not sure what I am trying to say here and I hope it is not inappropriate.
In any case, the most important thing is that you made it through
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I am glad you made it Sohard. But like BackandScared, I would be worried about this episode also.
I'm worried because I had this feeling like you are too easily tempted to take the wrong path at any fork in the road. Kudos for reaching out, but I want to know more about your plan.
I'm experiencing a lot of fear right now. "Whew! That was close," is not comforting for me. Recovery is more than close calls and fumbles. Success is seldom a fumble that accidentally works out. There needs to be a plan, not necessarily written out, but at least a clear commitment to what you need to do to get to your goal.
I'm worried because I had this feeling like you are too easily tempted to take the wrong path at any fork in the road. Kudos for reaching out, but I want to know more about your plan.
I'm experiencing a lot of fear right now. "Whew! That was close," is not comforting for me. Recovery is more than close calls and fumbles. Success is seldom a fumble that accidentally works out. There needs to be a plan, not necessarily written out, but at least a clear commitment to what you need to do to get to your goal.
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Sober, Welcome to Monday, and your Day 259 is it?
Are you on the road, yet? How long a drive do you have? Do you have the MLK Day holiday off from work? Say hi to your puppy for us, and say hi to us, please, for us and for you.
Drive safely. See you l8r.
Are you on the road, yet? How long a drive do you have? Do you have the MLK Day holiday off from work? Say hi to your puppy for us, and say hi to us, please, for us and for you.
Drive safely. See you l8r.
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Originally Posted by BackandScared
I am glad you made it Sohard.
I would be worried about this episode though. It seems that you have been struggling with this visit for a bit. As super cute as your dog is, it also seems that you are associating your sobriety to something that was not even there when you became sober. However, its absence is a trigger (which could not be a trigger before either).
Not sure what I am trying to say here and I hope it is not inappropriate.
In any case, the most important thing is that you made it through
I would be worried about this episode though. It seems that you have been struggling with this visit for a bit. As super cute as your dog is, it also seems that you are associating your sobriety to something that was not even there when you became sober. However, its absence is a trigger (which could not be a trigger before either).
Not sure what I am trying to say here and I hope it is not inappropriate.
In any case, the most important thing is that you made it through
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Originally Posted by DriGuy
I am glad you made it Sohard. But like BackandScared, I would be worried about this episode also.
I'm worried because I had this feeling like you are too easily tempted to take the wrong path at any fork in the road. Kudos for reaching out, but I want to know more about your plan.
I'm experiencing a lot of fear right now. "Whew! That was close," is not comforting for me. Recovery is more than close calls and fumbles. Success is seldom a fumble that accidentally works out. There needs to be a plan, not necessarily written out, but at least a clear commitment to what you need to do to get to your goal.
I'm worried because I had this feeling like you are too easily tempted to take the wrong path at any fork in the road. Kudos for reaching out, but I want to know more about your plan.
I'm experiencing a lot of fear right now. "Whew! That was close," is not comforting for me. Recovery is more than close calls and fumbles. Success is seldom a fumble that accidentally works out. There needs to be a plan, not necessarily written out, but at least a clear commitment to what you need to do to get to your goal.
not saying it’s perfect, but I think it’s been more than close calls and fumbles. But, I do see what you mean. There is a glitch in my plan or thinking which needs to be ironed out!
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Originally Posted by Sohard
i completely agree with this all. I guess I’m feeling a little defensive, though. I wouldn’t say any fork derails me, or I wouldn’t be at day 259.
259 is no small achievement, but then, people with 5 years get lost too. I want you to succeed, and when I sense (accurately or not) that someone might be slipping, it rattles my cage, and I get fearful. I'm pretty good at understanding that I have little or no control over how or why people slip, and most of the time, I'm pretty good at not losing sleep over it, but sometimes I do.
You probably deserve more credit than that. I guess I was just trying to say you scared me. Tell me not to worry, and I won't.
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Originally Posted by DriGuy
I worried about my reply, and in one of my first drafts, I mentioned that my worry about you may have been generated by an unwarranted perception in the way I read your OP. I may have weighed the parts that seemed like you were getting lost, more than your success so far. But for brevity, I took that part out, hoping we would discuss and clarify that better.
259 is no small achievement, but then, people with 5 years get lost too. I want you to succeed, and when I sense (accurately or not) that someone might be slipping, it rattles my cage, and I get fearful. I'm pretty good at understanding that I have little or no control over how or why people slip, and most of the time, I'm pretty good at not losing sleep over it, but sometimes I do.
You probably deserve more credit than that. I guess I was just trying to say you scared me. Tell me not to worry, and I won't.
259 is no small achievement, but then, people with 5 years get lost too. I want you to succeed, and when I sense (accurately or not) that someone might be slipping, it rattles my cage, and I get fearful. I'm pretty good at understanding that I have little or no control over how or why people slip, and most of the time, I'm pretty good at not losing sleep over it, but sometimes I do.
You probably deserve more credit than that. I guess I was just trying to say you scared me. Tell me not to worry, and I won't.
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You cannot control the impact of your posts on others. Most of us have bad days/tempting situations/cravings. Some relapse. The numbers say the majority relapses.
During the first few weeks I avoided relapse stories. They were a massive trigger. When every hour was an achievement taking me closer to a better place, reading that someone was still craving this much after months (months was like a life time) was ridiculously depressing.
It always made me feel there was no point i fighting this hard. It obviously did not mean that others should not write about their cravings or relapses.
Now I read posts like yours and they inspire me: to remain vigilant, to look for the dangerous signs, to reach out when it happens, to trust myself.
So thank you for sharing Sohard.
During the first few weeks I avoided relapse stories. They were a massive trigger. When every hour was an achievement taking me closer to a better place, reading that someone was still craving this much after months (months was like a life time) was ridiculously depressing.
It always made me feel there was no point i fighting this hard. It obviously did not mean that others should not write about their cravings or relapses.
Now I read posts like yours and they inspire me: to remain vigilant, to look for the dangerous signs, to reach out when it happens, to trust myself.
So thank you for sharing Sohard.
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Thanks all. Back at home, safe and sound.
I was thinking as I was driving back home, maybe it’s not the dog that is the comfort but everything in this new situation I’m in (my new city, my new apartment, my new dog, etc.) I associate all these things with my new life. But, when I go back up to where I used to live (around my sister and mom) the drinking associations are just so big there bc that’s where I used to drink so much. Like if someone who used to hang out in bars then went back to a bar. I’m thinking about while I’ve made 258 days and it’s gotten progressively easier, I also had a bumpy time around the holidays at my sister’s and now this MLK weekend at my mom’s. And the other day I’d been feeling shakey after I got in an argument with my sister about bringing the dog up for this weekend. All of my bumpy moments have involved either my sister or my mom. This is NOT to say this is their fault (it’s definitely, definitely not...it’s no one’s fault, it’s just a fact). This is just to say i think I definitely associate being at their homes with drinking and I also associate dealing with things like family drama with drinking. Not because of their drinking but bc that is where I was often when I was drinking too much (and they’d been long asleep) and that is how I used to deal with conflict.
I’d hate for any newcomer to read this and think “It is still this hard at 258 days?!?!” To those people I’d say: it’s gotten MUCH easier. But that doesn’t mean that the first year can’t be a bit like a roller coaster and some surprise ironing out of issues won’t be necessary. I like to believe these bumps each will make me a stronger sober person, though. Yet another part of the mountain climbed. And thank you to all who lent a helping hand this weekend. Really, thank you.
I was thinking as I was driving back home, maybe it’s not the dog that is the comfort but everything in this new situation I’m in (my new city, my new apartment, my new dog, etc.) I associate all these things with my new life. But, when I go back up to where I used to live (around my sister and mom) the drinking associations are just so big there bc that’s where I used to drink so much. Like if someone who used to hang out in bars then went back to a bar. I’m thinking about while I’ve made 258 days and it’s gotten progressively easier, I also had a bumpy time around the holidays at my sister’s and now this MLK weekend at my mom’s. And the other day I’d been feeling shakey after I got in an argument with my sister about bringing the dog up for this weekend. All of my bumpy moments have involved either my sister or my mom. This is NOT to say this is their fault (it’s definitely, definitely not...it’s no one’s fault, it’s just a fact). This is just to say i think I definitely associate being at their homes with drinking and I also associate dealing with things like family drama with drinking. Not because of their drinking but bc that is where I was often when I was drinking too much (and they’d been long asleep) and that is how I used to deal with conflict.
I’d hate for any newcomer to read this and think “It is still this hard at 258 days?!?!” To those people I’d say: it’s gotten MUCH easier. But that doesn’t mean that the first year can’t be a bit like a roller coaster and some surprise ironing out of issues won’t be necessary. I like to believe these bumps each will make me a stronger sober person, though. Yet another part of the mountain climbed. And thank you to all who lent a helping hand this weekend. Really, thank you.
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