HeadEast

Day 5 really is fantastic!!

jr67

Hi fighting.

Still fighting? That would make today Day 9.

I (we) hope it is going well for you and yours.

fightingtobeme

i don’t know if anyone is still on here or checks these threads anymore. But I’m reaching out, if anyone is around

decchemist

What's up F2BMe?

timi0000

Fightingtobeme, I can't recommend getting into a 12 Step Program or some other support group that deals with drug addiction enough. The AA book says that no one can obtain long-term sobriety alone. Also, why don't I tell you what enabled me to really drop my addiction. I'd like to share with you what really helped me let go of my addiction. Maybe you can apply these ideas I am about to tell you in your life. The 2 things that enabled me to drop my addiction: 1. turning my life over to my Higher Power 2. Becoming more loving and helpful towards people.

Everyday I reaffirm that I am giving my life over to God, that I want him to come into my life, that I want to have a relationship with Him.

Becoming more loving started by posting positive messages on post it notes and leaving them in bathrooms and other public places. And then everyday I think of what I can to help someone that day or make their life easier. It has produced amazing results for me.

I firmly believe our addictions are in our lives in order for us to grow. When we use move in the direction that our addictions are forcing us to move, the addiction just goes away.

Steely

Abgator: I think you are extremely judgemental, holier than thou, perched from the high moral ground. That's something alcoholics and addicts do. Sometimes.

Who says fightingtobeme can't stop using simply by coming here for support? A method used by many with great success, and which we possess in abundance. She might want to seek out other support, but using SR as sole support has been done many times before. And it's worked.

Try not to be the arbiter of all things right unless you have the evidence to support your assertions.

I'm standing with you fightingtobeme. You crushed the pipe in 2 seconds flat, previously. And you can do it again. And keep coming back.

Steely

Think I missed a page and consequently a whole number of posts.

My thoughts and feelings on judgementalism remain unchanged.

MaximusD

F2beme how is it going?

tbeit

F2beme I'm here to support you. I've been fighting addiction for 35 years. Sometimes more successful than others. Keep trying eventually it works. You can pm me if you need non-judgmental talk. I've been around here for a long time and know there are a lot of really good people here. Good luck You have this

Steely

Hi F2beme.

I skipped (accidentally) 2 entire pages, and missed all of the posts offering you great support. I thought you were standing alone after receiving a post that I felt to be judgemental and leapt to your defence. You are new here and didn't want you to feel judged by anyone.

My response to abgator could have been worded with less force, but felt triggered, made angry, because I have been in similar situation with an abusive man and know how it feels. Seems to me that you are a good mum. The better you making an even better mum. But you already know this, and have stated so.

Abgator: I became angry as saw new member reaching out for support and being made feel like a bad mother. Not all drug users are bad mothers abgator. And again, this is not meant to imply that it's ok to use when we have kids to care for. To hint at child protection agencies would be very scary to read as a new member. I'd feel like heading for the hills.

I've read the literature on "tough love", and it seems that in some circumstances it is not the way to go, particularly with women who have been abused. Can be felt as just another attack.

Sounds like you are doing really well F2beme and did not need me to leap to your defence, you were completely able to do this for yourself.

Hope you continue to stick around.

Dee74

This thread was bumped from January 2020.
I haven't seen abgator for a while and haven't seen F2Bme for a while either.

D

MissPerfumado

fightingtobeme, how can we help you? Are you OK? Let us know, love.

Steely

Thanks Dee. There I was worrying my grey hair to its roots about being too blunt, harsh, and I wasn't being heard by either poster. Just goes to show, hey?

Do you reckon I'll ever learn Dee? I know that I am, ever so slowly.

Thanks for being there Dee.

And hi again, to MissP.

MaximusD

They could read it anytime in the future and they could be lurking right now.

Steely

Thanks Maximus.

MissPerfumado

Hi there, Steely. I think if you feel bad about how you came across, it's more than all right to explain, even if the person you're explaining to hasn't posted in a while. You are kind and caring to the bone, and sometimes you wear it on your sleeve! That's a good thing, IMHO.

The thread got bumped and when that happens it's confusing to keep track of who posted when.

I'm just worried because fightingtobeme was indeed on here in the last week reaching out for help, which is why the thread got bumped.

x MissP

Steely

Thanks MissP.

I felt great empathy for F2beme. So hard for a woman alone with child. F2beme is doing so many things right, and trying to do better, now. Glad she is posting again.

I hope you are back F2beme. You've got the wherewithal to make this thing happen. We girls can do it!

And as for my friend Maximus, wanted to send a big smile.

MaximusD

Right back at you

fightingtobeme

I have recently come back on here because I know the last time I did, I was really in a depressed state & tried to reach out for help but I never replied again. I felt bad about that, but I ended up falling asleep and the next day was a brand new day of pretending. As I have stated in my initial post, I feel like I have to hide every emotion I feel from everyone around me, but most importantly, I hate if my son ever sees me down, so I pretend to be happy. I have normal conversations with my sisters or my mom, I’m bubbly at work, and everything else. But mentally and emotionally inside I am just dying of sadness, guilt, shame, this insane emotional struggle. So that night I wanted to come on here and reach out, as I felt like I needed to just tell someone how much I was in pain. And I didn’t want pity, it wasn’t for that, I just needed to let it out because this pretend smile on my face that I uphold everyday of my life, gets to finally go away when I go to bed at night.. and I’m finally able to cry. I’m able to feel what I really feel, because no one else is around, it’s dark, and if my son is asleep he cannot hear me cry. This is typically every night, but I think I am having another one of those intense nights tonight. I don’t know why they come on subtly some nights, but stronger on others. I have actually been doing well with my addiction.. at times. I was sober for 3 months after I initially posted. For some reason I went back again for awhile. I had an excuse of why I needed it just for this “period of time” because something happened, but I’m not even going to go there and say there was a reason I needed it. Even if I felt at the time I did, I know deep down there is never a good reason whatever excuse I can give myself, and I should know by now that I can’t just do it “this week” and be done. But for some reason when I’m in that mindset, I always think I can. So I started again off and on. A month straight, then disciplined myself and went another couple weeks sober, and basically, I’ve been repeating this same pattern for all these years. I always think since I know I keep quitting for periods at a time, then I can just go back and stop again. I’m glad I can discipline myself at times, and every time I do, I swear this is it. I’m never going back. But I always do. Why? Why do I always go back even when I’m doing so well? Im a smart woman, I’m not naive to this anymore after all these years, but I somehow convince myself that I can just go back really quick and then be all sober again like it never happened. But of course it doesn’t work like that. Im currently sober again now, going on almost 3 weeks, and I’m always so much genuinely happier when I’m not using. But again, deep down I’m not. I have this sadness and anxiety inside & I feel like I’m always going to have it. The only thing that gives me joy is my son. He is my genuine happiness. He’s 10 now and is doing online school as schools over here, like most everywhere else, are still closed. I love seeing him learn, when I’m able to be home in the mornings if I’m not working, I love helping him with schoolwork and homework, giving him guitar lessons, & I always set aside time at night (when I don’t have to work) for at least 45 minutes where we both just relax quietly and read. After, we discuss what has happened in the chapters we just read in our books. It’s my favorite time of everyday. These are the only things that give me genuine happiness. These are the things I prioritize no matter if I’m currently using or not. & when I am, the entire time I’m filled with guilt. But of course I don’t show that to him. He always tells me how much he loves me and how I’m the best mom in the whole world, but instead of feeling good inside about that, I feel excruciating guilt. I want to be happy! Genuinely happy! I want to hear that from him and feel proud about it, not the guilt I feel. I keep telling myself I know I’m a good mother, but HOW can I truly be when I’m living this lie? I know he is worth it, he is worth beating this addiction. So WHY do I go back? Why?? Does anyone have any advice for me on how to keep myself from going back this time. I know I am probably going to hear the same things and to get help, or tell someone, but you guys, I just can’t. I recently got a promotion at my job last year, I cannot take time off for help. It would ruin my career. My mother, who is the most amazing woman on this planet, is already going through so much right now. I couldn’t add this on. My sisters, whom I am so close with and love dearly, wouldn’t look at me the same. They would always stick by my side and love me, but I would just be too ashamed. I know I’ve said all this already, but it’s simply the truth. This depression is just taking over me and if I can figure out a way to really stop on my own, maybe I won’t feel the weight of this secret anymore and no one will ever need to know, I’ll be sober so I’ll be happy and get to truly enjoy every moment with my son. Please don’t tell me I’m being selfish by not getting help. If you understood my life, you would know how selfish it would be to put this on my entire family and let my career go, etc. my life is not horrible, on the surface I’m doing well and I’ve always made sure I had to do well, half of the reason was to make a good life, but the other half was to never show any signs of my secret. I just don’t want to feel this way anymore. I’m sorry for such a long rant, and I don’t know if anyone will ever read this, it’s been so long. But thank you for letting me vent. Just speaking about all of this has helped my heart a little bit. I love you all. I thank you all for your support even when I wasn’t posting. <3

Dee74

good to see you again fightingtobeme

I think you'd be amazed how much this community could help you if you posted regularly for a while. Support really can be a game changer.

At the moment a lot of meeting based recovery methods are online too - why not look at dropping into an AA or SMART zoom meeting?

It takes real effort to change a life and leave addiction behind. Even when you know the next drink won't really be any different, sometimes that voice can be very persuasive...but you can fight it and win

Have a plan for the next time you want to drink.
Ask for help if you have no idea where to start

Why wouldn't you give it all you have when you're fighting for your son and, as your username suggests, to be the real you?