Horrible relapse - Everything was going too good.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 245
Horrible relapse - Everything was going too good.
Hi everyone.
I usually don't post anymore, even if I am sober or I relapse. But today, I am feeling particularly bad.
I had some months in my back, and despite a few setbacks, I was sober and relatively happy.
Yesterday, I did not expect to relapse (It did not even cross my mind), but this is how everything started. I began seeing a girl around 4 months ago, and I am just crazy about her. But things did not work out. She is a single mom who recently split up and she is very confused.
Needless to say, she told me she needed time. So in the last few weeks, we have been talking but I have been suffering a lot. (She does not know about my alcoholism, but I am sure she suspects it).
Yesterday was a very hard day for me. I live in Germany and my home country is really far away. My parents came to visit and left yesterday. This was really hard, it broke my heart to see them leave. And then, the girl I was dating told me to go for dinner.
So we did, and she offered me a drink... obviously, I should not have taken it. The rest of the night its a blur. When she left my house, I walked alone to a strip club (I am so ashame of this) and probably passed out there for a while, and then walked back home. In autopilot, I had no idea what I was doing.
Today, I had to call sick at work. I am completely destroyed, hangover, heartbroken because the girl does not want a relationship, my parents are gone. So I am completely alone.
Sorry for the rant. I am just feeling awful.
I usually don't post anymore, even if I am sober or I relapse. But today, I am feeling particularly bad.
I had some months in my back, and despite a few setbacks, I was sober and relatively happy.
Yesterday, I did not expect to relapse (It did not even cross my mind), but this is how everything started. I began seeing a girl around 4 months ago, and I am just crazy about her. But things did not work out. She is a single mom who recently split up and she is very confused.
Needless to say, she told me she needed time. So in the last few weeks, we have been talking but I have been suffering a lot. (She does not know about my alcoholism, but I am sure she suspects it).
Yesterday was a very hard day for me. I live in Germany and my home country is really far away. My parents came to visit and left yesterday. This was really hard, it broke my heart to see them leave. And then, the girl I was dating told me to go for dinner.
So we did, and she offered me a drink... obviously, I should not have taken it. The rest of the night its a blur. When she left my house, I walked alone to a strip club (I am so ashame of this) and probably passed out there for a while, and then walked back home. In autopilot, I had no idea what I was doing.
Today, I had to call sick at work. I am completely destroyed, hangover, heartbroken because the girl does not want a relationship, my parents are gone. So I am completely alone.
Sorry for the rant. I am just feeling awful.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
Take the day to rest...you can't change what happened. BUT, you can look at this and see how drinking made everything WORSE!
Yes, you're sad that you broke up
Yes, you're sad that your parents left
Yes, you have setbacks that challenge you
Everything here is manageable, if you stay sober.
Take this day to realize that. You can do this!!!!!!!
Yes, you're sad that you broke up
Yes, you're sad that your parents left
Yes, you have setbacks that challenge you
Everything here is manageable, if you stay sober.
Take this day to realize that. You can do this!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Out in the Stix of Southern Indiana
Posts: 2,784
I was told a long time ago during one of my many failed attempts at sobriety that it's probably not a good idea to jump into a new relationship during early recovery. Your focus should be on yourself for quite a while. It's a full time job to stay sober at first. I just thought I would share that with you. Best wishes for you on your journey.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 546
Welcome to Day 1, Hope1989, if that is what you choose to make it (sounds like it).
How lucky you are to have parents you so clearly love, and vice versa.
Break-ups are hard. If they weren't we wouldn't appreciate lasting love when we find it. I agree that one is less likely to find it, or any romantic relationship, in a strip club. Nor (speaking for myself) is one likely to find those things while freshly reeling from a break-up, if, as I think you're saying, that's what happened yesterday. (Are you sure that's what happened? I have no reason to doubt it. I wasn't there. Just asking whether you are sure, or whether, as she had said earlier, she just needs more time after her own prior break-up.
Whether you reply here is of course up to you.)
I cannot speak from personal experience about the timing and related issues regarding "coming out" about one's substance abusing history when starting a new relationship. Maybe that's something you want to explore (or maybe not), here on SR or elsewhere.
I think it is important and ultimately rewarding for us all to hold ourselves accountable: give ourselves credit when due, and take personal responsibility when we take a misstep. Yet it is also important to remember to go easy on ourselves, especially during the tough times.
Take it easy, Hope.
How lucky you are to have parents you so clearly love, and vice versa.
Break-ups are hard. If they weren't we wouldn't appreciate lasting love when we find it. I agree that one is less likely to find it, or any romantic relationship, in a strip club. Nor (speaking for myself) is one likely to find those things while freshly reeling from a break-up, if, as I think you're saying, that's what happened yesterday. (Are you sure that's what happened? I have no reason to doubt it. I wasn't there. Just asking whether you are sure, or whether, as she had said earlier, she just needs more time after her own prior break-up.
Whether you reply here is of course up to you.)
I cannot speak from personal experience about the timing and related issues regarding "coming out" about one's substance abusing history when starting a new relationship. Maybe that's something you want to explore (or maybe not), here on SR or elsewhere.
I think it is important and ultimately rewarding for us all to hold ourselves accountable: give ourselves credit when due, and take personal responsibility when we take a misstep. Yet it is also important to remember to go easy on ourselves, especially during the tough times.
Take it easy, Hope.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I can relate to much of your night. There is a strip club a 5 minute walk from my apartment. Ended up there after a date left too. Although, I am only ashamed with the ungodly amount of money I spent on one particular dancer. She was more fun than the date. Probably because I was drunk after 6 months completely sober.
I went on quite a bender for months after and lost the girl and even my job because I didn't stop after that first night slip up. Get back on the horse!
I went on quite a bender for months after and lost the girl and even my job because I didn't stop after that first night slip up. Get back on the horse!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
Originally Posted by cantsleep123 
Starting a relationship while trying to get sober is probably a bad idea.
And as a general rule for any guy, never ever ever ever date a woman who is "separated" or just left her baby daddy. More times than not, they go back to the guy, even if only temporarily. Then there's the "confused" aspect where she thought dating someone else was the answer and realized it's not, which is apparently what happened here.
I won't even consider dating a woman who says she's "going through a divorce." You throw in the first year of recovery aspect, just a disaster waiting to happen.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Kerry, Ireland
Posts: 2,700
In my old rehab we were told no major changes for 2 years, that includes getting into serious relationships. I suppose everyone is different and that someone at 6 months sober might handle it better still than someone having a few years, everyone is different.
But yea relationships have been a huge trigger for me down the years. At 8 months, I'm probably not strong enough yet if things went pear shaped, who knows....
But yea relationships have been a huge trigger for me down the years. At 8 months, I'm probably not strong enough yet if things went pear shaped, who knows....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,404
Use this experience and learn from it. Sobriety and recovery should always be no1 priority in ones life regardless of sober time. I think staying single and building a healthy relationship with yourself is vitally important in early recovery personally. It takes as long as it takes 🙏
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,463
Hope, this has been a sad few days, but a learning experience for you. Loneliness seems to be a problem for you right now, so when you feel better, maybe you could come up with some ideas to help with this? Are there social activities in your community in Germany or maybe you could think about doing volunteer work.
The main thing right now is to get better and work on your sobriety. We're here for you.
The main thing right now is to get better and work on your sobriety. We're here for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 245
Thank you for your support.
I have been crying a lot, the hangover, my parents leaving and my heartbreak. She was an amazing woman. I am so mad at myself, but I gave her everything I had! Everything!!
I need to go to work, but I am paranoid (I get paranoia when I get hangover), I'm so depressed.
I have been crying a lot, the hangover, my parents leaving and my heartbreak. She was an amazing woman. I am so mad at myself, but I gave her everything I had! Everything!!
I need to go to work, but I am paranoid (I get paranoia when I get hangover), I'm so depressed.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
I just saw that you suspect that she knows you're an alcoholic. She has a child. Let that mull over for a bit.
Her first responsibility is protect her child and if she knows or suspects you're an alcoholic and after a few months, that's no real commitment, any good mom is going to haul ass. Whether she chooses to tell the truth or use an excuse like being "confused" can vary from woman to woman.
Your first duty is to make sure you are completely sober and mentally stable before you get into a relationship, let alone expect to be around a child.
I'm sorry you're hurting (and sorry to Dee if this falls under his hated "tough love" category), but the child should always come first. But as a guy whose wife left him and took his 3 year old daughter because of his drinking, trust me on this.
Her first responsibility is protect her child and if she knows or suspects you're an alcoholic and after a few months, that's no real commitment, any good mom is going to haul ass. Whether she chooses to tell the truth or use an excuse like being "confused" can vary from woman to woman.
Your first duty is to make sure you are completely sober and mentally stable before you get into a relationship, let alone expect to be around a child.
I'm sorry you're hurting (and sorry to Dee if this falls under his hated "tough love" category), but the child should always come first. But as a guy whose wife left him and took his 3 year old daughter because of his drinking, trust me on this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 245
Originally Posted by abgator
I just saw that you suspect that she knows you're an alcoholic. She has a child. Let that mull over for a bit.
Her first responsibility is protect her child and if she knows or suspects you're an alcoholic and after a few months, that's no real commitment, any good mom is going to haul ass. Whether she chooses to tell the truth or use an excuse like being "confused" can vary from woman to woman.
Your first duty is to make sure you are completely sober and mentally stable before you get into a relationship, let alone expect to be around a child.
I'm sorry you're hurting (and sorry to Dee if this falls under his hated "tough love" category), but the child should always come first. But as a guy whose wife left him and took his 3 year old daughter because of his drinking, trust me on this.
Her first responsibility is protect her child and if she knows or suspects you're an alcoholic and after a few months, that's no real commitment, any good mom is going to haul ass. Whether she chooses to tell the truth or use an excuse like being "confused" can vary from woman to woman.
Your first duty is to make sure you are completely sober and mentally stable before you get into a relationship, let alone expect to be around a child.
I'm sorry you're hurting (and sorry to Dee if this falls under his hated "tough love" category), but the child should always come first. But as a guy whose wife left him and took his 3 year old daughter because of his drinking, trust me on this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
Originally Posted by Hope1989
Not at all with the tough love. I think that you are absolutely right about everything you said.
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