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Friend in fellowship back out

Old 01-12-2020, 05:02 PM
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Friend in fellowship back out

She started at the same time as me so I'm doubly gutted. I guess I can just hope she makes it through and comes back asap.

I've never been in recovery before so never experienced this. It's a gut-wrenching feeling for sure. I thought she was good dammit.

Also it's made me worry more about you folks, so don't f this up okay?
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Old 01-12-2020, 05:35 PM
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I'm sorry, Tetrax. I really hope your friend turns things around quickly, and you can be there for her. There are so many lessons to learn in recovery.
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Old 01-12-2020, 05:38 PM
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I'm sorry too Tetrax - it's never a nice feeling but particularly the first time you experience it.

D
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Old 01-12-2020, 05:42 PM
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The bad experiences of others make me more certain than ever that I want to stay sober. I hope your friend makes it back to a safe place.
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Old 01-12-2020, 05:43 PM
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Yeah it sucks ☹️

I remember watching a few guys go back to it, in my first year in AA. One of them in particular, I thought was Rock solid after 5 years, I kinda looked up to him too.

Stick at AA and you will get used to it and eventually you have to just learn from it, be thankful it's not you and move on.
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Old 01-12-2020, 09:14 PM
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Hey I know that feeling, had it here on SR many times. A reminder that cuts deep.
​​​
​​​​​​

​​​​​
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Old 01-12-2020, 09:39 PM
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Sorry to hear that Tetrax.
Hope you are well yourself...
Take care
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Old 01-12-2020, 10:33 PM
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Awww Tetrax, its horrible I know. A woman in AA who came in the same time as me (22 months ago) and who has become a good friend has relapsed about 4/5 times now. Luckily she has made it back every time. We are completely powerless over other people and their actions. Keep doing what you are doing and when and if she is ready to come back then you can offer your support.

It does serve as a stark reminder to me that I am not immune to this illness. I have to keep doing what I am doing on a daily basis so I don't have to pick up that drink one day at a time.

🙏❤🙏
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Old 01-13-2020, 05:41 AM
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Originally Posted by snitch View Post
Awww Tetrax, its horrible I know. A woman in AA who came in the same time as me (22 months ago) and who has become a good friend has relapsed about 4/5 times now. Luckily she has made it back every time. We are completely powerless over other people and their actions. Keep doing what you are doing and when and if she is ready to come back then you can offer your support.

It does serve as a stark reminder to me that I am not immune to this illness. I have to keep doing what I am doing on a daily basis so I don't have to pick up that drink one day at a time.

🙏❤🙏
Yep, this is my experience. And it is tough every time. Y'all always hear me say I don't believe we get unlimited chances. It's a miracle every time someone DOES get back.

Most people don't get sober and stay that way permanently. IMO there's no way to determine success rates definitively tho markers of sober time are certainly legit. But how someone is working a program (of any recovery manner, IMO) is much more indicative of success.

In both personal and professional life I am engaged in recovery work. People do drift in and out - some just stay out and I might never know what happens. Those I've gotten to know a little, I prob reach out occasionally with a how are you. In the restaurant industry group, I keep leading the meetings and doing social media work and sending out a weekly email with everyone ever participating bcc'ed. Some do reconnect.

One thing that always clicks with me is when meetings close with that extra part about "for those still suffering and the children who don't have a choice."
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Old 01-13-2020, 07:00 AM
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I have watched people I thought were "good" go back out more times than I can count now after 5 years in recovery. Not all make it back. It's a horrible helpless feeling. I felt some pretty substantial grief and guilt when one of those people, someone I had known since high school and had had a pretty serious romantic relationship with a few years ago, lost his battle with the demons and committed suicide in October. He got sober (for at least the 3rd or 4th time, I don't know for sure) a few months before I did. Went back out about 3 years ago. I knew he was out and I tried so hard to reach him. I kept hoping he'd listen to me, that he was worth saving and that I cared and wanted to help. He didn't believe it, I guess.

All we can really do as bystanders and fellows in recovery is to keep trying and keep in touch. I wish there was more I could have done, I still cry about it.

Just let her know that she can lean on you if she wants to come back.
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Old 01-13-2020, 02:01 PM
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Originally Posted by least View Post
the bad experiences of others make me more certain than ever that i want to stay sober.
+1
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Old 01-19-2020, 08:08 AM
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Hi Tetrax,

How are you doing today?
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Old 01-19-2020, 08:56 AM
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Tetrax,
it is an awful jumble of feelings ans thoughts and questions; i've been there and felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. even trhough it had nothing to do with me.
a lot of questions came up for me, a lot of looking at where and how my foundation sat, and a real reckoning with where my power was re other folks.
tough but ultimately helpful.
and it hurts.

keep going, Tetrax. keep going.
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Old 01-19-2020, 11:23 PM
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Hi Tetrax,

Iím so sorry about your friend. It is very difficult, and all you can do is hope theyíll come back and support them when they do. I have had that feeling on SR before. There are people who started on this journey with me who have disappeared, and I hope they are sober and doing well, but I worry. Iíve also seen friends with long periods of sobriety find themselves back at Day One, this always causes me to reassess my own recovery and make sure Iím not getting complacent.

I hope youíre doing well in your new place.
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Old 01-20-2020, 03:39 AM
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Thanks guys. I'm okay, I just hope she is.

And I'll see my new place today, move in at the weekend.
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Old 01-20-2020, 05:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Tetrax View Post
I've never been in recovery before so never experienced this. It's a gut-wrenching feeling for sure. I thought she was good dammit.

Also it's made me worry more about you folks, so don't f this up okay?
If you attend meetings long enough, you are going to see this. I had a good friend that went back out and drank herself to death. That's not something I'm dramatizing for affect. The circumstances of her death were reported to me by her sister.

I had a pleasant conversation with a guy who was struggling at a meeting one night, and I went home thinking he would be fine. The next night, I found out he had killed himself after that meeting.

Meetings were vital in my recovery, but I also experienced for the first time brutal parts of the other side of life. My sponsor said he believed God put those people in his life so that he could see for himself how dangerous alcoholism is. If there are gods, I don't believe any of them would do that sort of thing, but seeing it happen, does underscore the seriousness of the problem.
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Old 01-20-2020, 07:23 PM
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My sponsor relapsed, I was gutted. I felt for her, but feared for me. Like if she could drink again, I was DESTINED to.

Thatís crap, of course.

Thankfully, she got back to it. Weíre very close friends to this day.

I hope your friend makes it back. But if she doesnít, it has nothing to do with you or your sobriety.
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Old 01-21-2020, 03:22 AM
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A very difficult situation for both yourself and your friend. At the end of day, that's their path- hope it will work out for the both of ye
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