taplow

Speaking to a friend and she asked me some questions, what I think are woman questions, you know about real stuff, my family and that. So I spoke about where I come from and mainly my parents. I mentioned a couple of things and she was a bit shocked. So I started telling her more things about my upbringing. She was sympathetic so I found myself going on about it, really dredging things up. It's like chocolate; once you start, you want to carry on. And I realised from what I said and how she reacted that there's a lot of bad things there. And I can see how they impacted and moulded me. And so, this little self examination really achieved something, which was to make really, really miserable. Great.
I always thought that this is probably what therapy is like; sort of wallowing about in your own filth. My simplistic view that the idea of therapy is that all that's buried is exposed to the light and so shrivels and dies. Yes simplistic I admit. But really isn't it all still there, lodged in the brain cells? I always thought that feelings live on and all that would have been achieved would be a tangle of words. Are you exorcising demons or resuscitating them. What is the self anyway? I'll get back to you on that.
Even so it was good to talk to someone. It was that idea - that it's good to talk to someone - that today made me think that maybe therapy might be something to think about; just the talking. I'm not interested in mallet therapy or anything. We should talk with our friends but that's not so easy. Isn't the therapist just a substitute for a friend. Wouldn't talking to a paid therapist be like going with a prostitute because you can't get a girlfriend?
So anyway, can anyone who has a negative view of therapy tell me why? What's wrong with it? I've heard some things that put me off I have to say.

Surrendered19

I think when we talk to a therapist, friend, priest or a Dutch Uncle, about our stresses and our past, we should have some sort of purpose. Otherwise I think it can turn into wallowing in something that, as you said taplow, is in our memories and always will be. But I think seeking help and talk/feedback from others can lead to such positive things - understanding, right-sizing unpleasant events in our past, how to move forward and not dwell, finding forgiveness for ourselves and others, purging anger, and such. Perhaps one of the best reasons is the quest to live life at peace and in a trustworthy upstanding way.

SoberRican

For me the main thing is talk period. Get the crud of yo chest. I dont need to pay nobody shoot hit the fam up. One thats know what you going thru. For me I finally came clean with my mom and pops. Not like they were surprised feel me they know everything lol. Once they sense the cinceraty of wanting change. They were all in for me. They couldnt be happier for me. Thus I am happy too. ✌

taplow

I imagine putting it in some structure might do something then Surrendered. Just an outpouring of complaints while being cathartic won't achieve much. As I said, today it just made me miserable.

Surrendered19

Don't be afraid to grieve taplow. Sometimes feeling bad is good for us. Scream at the sky, rage at the gods. But going over things in a repetitive fashion can make us feel stuck I think. As you said, having some sort of purpose or structure to seek understanding, find forgiveness, make amends to others and onward, is healthier for us I think. The terrible **** that has happened to me over my life will always be a part of me. But talking to family, therapists, friends and my support group, and you all here on SR, allow me to put those events in their proper place and in their proper size in my life. I can then remember without it being so heavy that the structure collapses.

taplow

Surrendered, I'm glad you've got something from it. I've always thought that I might get trapped in a web that I've spun myself.
There's a detached observer to put it all in some context. But I wonder what I'd do with what I learned. Just a definition, a clarification, then what?

taplow

Do I replace ideas I have about myself with other ideas about myself. Do I upgrade?

Obladi

Then RELEASE.

It's perfectly natural to worry that you'll get caught up in a complex of crap, tap. I did that, for years and years. Worked with some therapists who did nothing to help with that, so I would have shared your negative view and can certainly add fuel to your flame as you asked for in your original post.

But I don't think that's really what you want. I think you want to understand why or how it could help to talk about it?

What's your preference?
Trash talk first or what works and why?
Or both?

O

taplow

Well Obladi, for the first time ever, it occured to me that maybe I should think about seeing a therapist. I thought a "get if off your chest" type therapist can't do much other than being a shoulder to cry on and looking out the window while nodding back at you. I'm so ignorant about it though.
I was talking about my past today and it was like I saw my child self as someone else, as someone I felt sorry for. The act of talking gave a sense of detachment. I genuinely felt sad for this child but it wasn't self pitying. As I say there was some detachment.
I think I know what I mean.
Yes, so what works and why?

Atlast9999

HeadEast

I agree with this. There is a lot more to therapy than just talking.

nez

Therapist are trained to listen and trained how to help. Therapists became therapists because of a desire to help.

I need friends, but friends are not trained to help even though the desire may be there. So they may not know the best way to help, through no fault of their own. In no way do I mean to diminish the importance of friends, their listening, and their help; but they aren't professionals, just passionate people.

A combination of therapist and friends, make a good varied support network, You can never have too many tools. There is strength in numbers.

taplow

Thanks for the replies. I can see from them what makes sense about it. But I suppose you have to do it yourself to know.
Today is the first time I've thought about it.

Obladi

I'm so glad you're open to thinking about it now, tap. I found that the right therapist helped me to work with just what you experienced today. Looking at that child you were with detachment and compassion is a wonderful first step. My therapist is helping me to work through my current "stuff" to connect it to the coping mechanisms that kid developed. Understanding how that makes sense is enormously helpful to me. It's a lot of work for me now that I know what's going on, but so worth it.

For me, that meant I needed psychotherapy.
Others benefit from different modalities, but to do that kind of connecting, behavioral therapy just didn't cut it.

O

Wastinglife

Therapy didn't really help me much and I saw a therapist for 2 years. The main reason is that I felt that sometimes my therapist was telling me what I wanted to hear because I was a paying customer. She did help with a few things but I was still feeling as hopeless after 2 years as the day I first met her. Paid thousands out of pocket.

least

I've been blessed to have some really good counselors in my time. A good counselor is worth their weight in gold, in my opinion.

abgator

100%.

Unfortunately, sometimes you have to go through a few that may not be a good fit before you find the right one, but it's worth the effort.

taplow

Thanks for that. It sort of echoes my natural suspicion. Obviously there's 2 million sides to every story.
I'll think about it.

August252015

I'm glad you are asking all these questions Taplow!

My quick $0.02 -the impartial and TRAINED third party is the crucial element here. And a GOOD therapist (not all are, IME) is a key. To answer the "then what" part, both my psych and my therapist talk with me about practical things to do involving techniques such as CBT/DBT thought changes. Ways to reframe others' actions so I can have that detachment and it be a positive thing for me; I have had a hard time viewing "detachment" other than a negative and unloving thing because I grew up with a very enmeshed dynamic.

Also - one thing about friends is that they have their limits. Of emotional expanse for us, of ability to respond, and some indeed facilitate commiserating more than productive support. One of my best friends has continued to help me reframe things with my husband's ex wife - but I cannot rely on her to keep me doing the productive stuff nor share every "drama" that comes up in this dynamic.

It also takes time to see progress. I found that like AA and its promises, some benefits come quickly and some slowly. And I've gained my insights and benefits over a few decades now, on and off - so not everyone has such extended, periodic need for professional support, I do believe everyone can benefit.

Dee74

Hi Tap

As smart as I think I am, sometimes the best place to observe a storm is not in the eye - it's safe and sound, from the shore.

I've really needed that 'on the shore' trained eye perspective from time to time.

D