Why early recovery has rules
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
Why early recovery has rules
This forum being the Ellis Island of Recovery, there's a rule you'll often hear in early sobriety: Don't make any big changes in the first year.
Newcomers: Listen to that advice very carefully and take it to heart.
I learned the hard way and I'll share how. I'm an alcoholic, but not one who craves alcohol, wants to drink, or is triggered by sitting at the bar eating a meal while someone has a beer beside me. Drinking doesn't enter my brain on a daily basis. I drink because I have PTSD that causes severe panic attacks. Panic attacks which closely mimic the severe anaphylaxis that almost killed me. I don't have Xanax or the like to treat that and in those situations, no amount of meditation or exercise will prevent me from mentally reliving my trauma. After hours of this, it's a bullet or booze.
But then I changed my life style. I went to the gym 4 or 5 days a week, ate very healthy, went to AA, saw a therapist. And I didn't have a severe panic attack for 3 months. I was taking care of myself. But I've been single for a long time and since my daughter has been begging for a puppy for a couple years, I decided an "emotional support" dog would be good for me.
You know what happened? Raising a demanding puppy while balancing work meant I stopped going to the gym. I mostly stopped going to AA. My therapy appts decreased a little. I put all my time and effort into training and raising this puppy and completely ignored ME. The result? My general anxiety came back, which I fought through. But then the real panic came. I drank.....and I didn't stop for a week. I still had a BAC of .25 when I got into a detox center. And now I'm starting over.
And I'm trying to explain to my 8 year old, without overwhelming her with too much information, that daddy has to re-home her puppy for his own health. She knows I've been in rehab and why, but the full details are not something she can comprehend, nor should she have to at that age. And all of this because I didn't listen to the advice of basically every recovery source on the planet.
Don't make any big changes in early sobriety. Take care of your children, your job, but every piece of spare time you have: Focus on YOU.
Newcomers: Listen to that advice very carefully and take it to heart.
I learned the hard way and I'll share how. I'm an alcoholic, but not one who craves alcohol, wants to drink, or is triggered by sitting at the bar eating a meal while someone has a beer beside me. Drinking doesn't enter my brain on a daily basis. I drink because I have PTSD that causes severe panic attacks. Panic attacks which closely mimic the severe anaphylaxis that almost killed me. I don't have Xanax or the like to treat that and in those situations, no amount of meditation or exercise will prevent me from mentally reliving my trauma. After hours of this, it's a bullet or booze.
But then I changed my life style. I went to the gym 4 or 5 days a week, ate very healthy, went to AA, saw a therapist. And I didn't have a severe panic attack for 3 months. I was taking care of myself. But I've been single for a long time and since my daughter has been begging for a puppy for a couple years, I decided an "emotional support" dog would be good for me.
You know what happened? Raising a demanding puppy while balancing work meant I stopped going to the gym. I mostly stopped going to AA. My therapy appts decreased a little. I put all my time and effort into training and raising this puppy and completely ignored ME. The result? My general anxiety came back, which I fought through. But then the real panic came. I drank.....and I didn't stop for a week. I still had a BAC of .25 when I got into a detox center. And now I'm starting over.
And I'm trying to explain to my 8 year old, without overwhelming her with too much information, that daddy has to re-home her puppy for his own health. She knows I've been in rehab and why, but the full details are not something she can comprehend, nor should she have to at that age. And all of this because I didn't listen to the advice of basically every recovery source on the planet.
Don't make any big changes in early sobriety. Take care of your children, your job, but every piece of spare time you have: Focus on YOU.
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Florida
Posts: 368
Thanks for posting this. It's really good advice. I'll admit I was worried when you decided to get that puppy and am glad you're putting yourself over the dog. Your daughter will eventually truly understand why you did this. When she grows up and has a Dad that is fully there for her and sober this will seem like a no-brainer to her. Really proud of you.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
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Originally Posted by cantsleep123 
Thanks for posting this. It's really good advice. I'll admit I was worried when you decided to get that puppy and am glad you're putting yourself over the dog. Your daughter will eventually truly understand why you did this. When she grows up and has a Dad that is fully there for her and sober this will seem like a no-brainer to her. Really proud of you.
Just got off the phone with the Bull Terrier Rescue woman here that I know. Great woman. She's already got 2 Bullies of her own and it's quite likely she'll end up keeping Rocco for herself. She said we could come and visit him anytime, but I'm not sure that would be best for the kid. Might make it harder. It's like seeing the ex that left you all the time, just brings up the pain again.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 546
Congrats on making what sounds like the right decision, ab, about the dog, and of course about the return to sobriety.
And thanks for reinforcing the advice re no big changes in the first year.
Re dogs: I have 2, and appreciate how difficult your situation must be. You'll have to make the call re the new owner's kind visitation offer. If you decide that no visits is the right choice, I'm wondering, depending on where you live, and your daughter's "readiness," whether occasional "wellness visits" to an animal shelter might be appropriate. The large adoption shelter near me welcomes volunteers who come by just to spend a little time with the dogs the shelter is fostering, maybe take them for a walk or some ball-throwing on the grounds. One thing for sure: the dogs love it.
A little off-topic for SR I suppose, but just an idea.
Again, thanks for your post, abgator.
And thanks for reinforcing the advice re no big changes in the first year.
Re dogs: I have 2, and appreciate how difficult your situation must be. You'll have to make the call re the new owner's kind visitation offer. If you decide that no visits is the right choice, I'm wondering, depending on where you live, and your daughter's "readiness," whether occasional "wellness visits" to an animal shelter might be appropriate. The large adoption shelter near me welcomes volunteers who come by just to spend a little time with the dogs the shelter is fostering, maybe take them for a walk or some ball-throwing on the grounds. One thing for sure: the dogs love it.
A little off-topic for SR I suppose, but just an idea.
Again, thanks for your post, abgator.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
Originally Posted by jr67
Congrats on making what sounds like the right decision, ab, about the dog, and of course about the return to sobriety.
And thanks for reinforcing the advice re no big changes in the first year.
Re dogs: I have 2, and appreciate how difficult your situation must be. You'll have to make the call re the new owner's kind visitation offer. If you decide that no visits is the right choice, I'm wondering, depending on where you live, and your daughter's "readiness," whether occasional "wellness visits" to an animal shelter might be appropriate. The large adoption shelter near me welcomes volunteers who come by just to spend a little time with the dogs the shelter is fostering, maybe take them for a walk or some ball-throwing on the grounds. One thing for sure: the dogs love it.
A little off-topic for SR I suppose, but just an idea.
Again, thanks for your post, abgator.
And thanks for reinforcing the advice re no big changes in the first year.
Re dogs: I have 2, and appreciate how difficult your situation must be. You'll have to make the call re the new owner's kind visitation offer. If you decide that no visits is the right choice, I'm wondering, depending on where you live, and your daughter's "readiness," whether occasional "wellness visits" to an animal shelter might be appropriate. The large adoption shelter near me welcomes volunteers who come by just to spend a little time with the dogs the shelter is fostering, maybe take them for a walk or some ball-throwing on the grounds. One thing for sure: the dogs love it.
A little off-topic for SR I suppose, but just an idea.
Again, thanks for your post, abgator.
Ultimately it's going to come down to me doing whatever my ex-wife says. I have 50/50 custody even as an alcoholic. So things like this, I just roll with what she thinks should be done. She could make my life hell and go for full custody (and get it) if she wanted to. I just try to stay calm and say ok.
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