Anxious
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
First off, you're doing great! Getting sober doesn't miraculously fix all of life's problems (at least is didn't for me) but it's a huge step towards that. I often feel like I'm not myself around people, or that I'm kind of playing a part when in public. So I guess I don't have any magic bullet for that one. Maybe for now just focus on staying sober and making yourself happy first. 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 519
I think that the "people pleasing" defect is a tough one to rid yourself of because it is the ego masking itself as "good intentions."
The moment you recognize that this is you trying to maintain some form of control, have some power when you are in fact powerless, it will dissolve.
It is ok, and needed to take care of ourselves, out on our own oxygen masks first. There is a huge difference between selfishness and self-love. I have the same defect and never want to make waves with anyone, never want anyone upset with me. I am learning (slowly) that having my boundaries and letting someone know when I am unable to accommodate them is something they will learn to respect in me. That is not to say that I will not be of service when I can, I will always ask how I can help, but keep in my mind "Can I help here, without exhausting myself or risking my sobriety?" If the answer is yes, there I go. If no, I am not sorry or regretful to tell people I an unable.
I am rooting for you, goodnight!
The moment you recognize that this is you trying to maintain some form of control, have some power when you are in fact powerless, it will dissolve.
It is ok, and needed to take care of ourselves, out on our own oxygen masks first. There is a huge difference between selfishness and self-love. I have the same defect and never want to make waves with anyone, never want anyone upset with me. I am learning (slowly) that having my boundaries and letting someone know when I am unable to accommodate them is something they will learn to respect in me. That is not to say that I will not be of service when I can, I will always ask how I can help, but keep in my mind "Can I help here, without exhausting myself or risking my sobriety?" If the answer is yes, there I go. If no, I am not sorry or regretful to tell people I an unable.
I am rooting for you, goodnight!
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
I always try to be nice and expect nothing in return. I try to do the best I can at my job and expect nothing. Same for around the house.
I get overlooked all the time. Work, job, and while out and about. I learned that it is ok to be invisible.
I find joy at work knowing that I am doing my relative best. I don't try to over achieve anymore. I just try to do a little more than most. This keeps the boss content.
At home, i will clean weird stuff that my wife doesn't clean..e.g. the grout, the bathroom throw carpets. Those weird things make a huge difference to me when they are cleaned up a bit.
I have excepted my weirdness socially. I embrace the weirdness. Weirdos unite!
The whole being a middle aged old dude or whatever. I much better at dealing with this now.
When i was actively addicted, all of these things were triggers to drink. But, i simply drank anyway.
It is hard to stay grateful sometimes. But, posts like this remind me that i am so blessed. I have such relatively good health and I am clean as a whistle.
I pray I keep grateful and healthy for a long long time. My 98 year old grandma warned me life goes by in the blink of an eye. I need to remember that with every breath I take.
Thanks.
I get overlooked all the time. Work, job, and while out and about. I learned that it is ok to be invisible.
I find joy at work knowing that I am doing my relative best. I don't try to over achieve anymore. I just try to do a little more than most. This keeps the boss content.
At home, i will clean weird stuff that my wife doesn't clean..e.g. the grout, the bathroom throw carpets. Those weird things make a huge difference to me when they are cleaned up a bit.
I have excepted my weirdness socially. I embrace the weirdness. Weirdos unite!
The whole being a middle aged old dude or whatever. I much better at dealing with this now.
When i was actively addicted, all of these things were triggers to drink. But, i simply drank anyway.
It is hard to stay grateful sometimes. But, posts like this remind me that i am so blessed. I have such relatively good health and I am clean as a whistle.
I pray I keep grateful and healthy for a long long time. My 98 year old grandma warned me life goes by in the blink of an eye. I need to remember that with every breath I take.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 533
This is just the stuff we need to learn to navigate sober that we've probably shoved under the rug in the past by drinking.
Listen to the part of you that is obviously stressed by all the people pleasing, learn to make healthy changes and set boundaries...
I read A LOT
i took A LOT of baby steps
I cried.
Just dont make the mistake of thinking your default (drinking) will work THIS time. It never has.
It just kicks the can down the road and makes you sick and even more depressed.
You need a new default.
Listen to the part of you that is obviously stressed by all the people pleasing, learn to make healthy changes and set boundaries...
I read A LOT
i took A LOT of baby steps
I cried.
Just dont make the mistake of thinking your default (drinking) will work THIS time. It never has.
It just kicks the can down the road and makes you sick and even more depressed.
You need a new default.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Hi Press,
Great job with 126 days, that’s something to be proud of.
I know it’s hard when you’re worried about what others think and pleasing them. Brene Brown wrote something in Daring Greatly that resonated with me when I read your post.
She said “I carry a small sheet of paper in my wallet that has written on it the names of the people whose opinions of me matter. To be on that list, you have to love me for my strengths and struggles. You have to know that I’m trying to be wholehearted, but I still cus too much, flip people off under the steering wheel and have both Lawrence Welk and Metallica on my iPod.”
She has a small number of people on that list whose opinions of her matter. Think about a few key people in your life who you care about, and who care deeply about you, those are the opinions that matter and they will not judge you for not being perfect. Let the rest go, try not to worry about pleasing everyone. Just be the best you that you can each day. Some days that person might be volunteering at a homeless shelter, and some days that you might be curled up under a blanket and watching Netflix, either is okay!
You’ve got this my friend!
Great job with 126 days, that’s something to be proud of.
I know it’s hard when you’re worried about what others think and pleasing them. Brene Brown wrote something in Daring Greatly that resonated with me when I read your post.
She said “I carry a small sheet of paper in my wallet that has written on it the names of the people whose opinions of me matter. To be on that list, you have to love me for my strengths and struggles. You have to know that I’m trying to be wholehearted, but I still cus too much, flip people off under the steering wheel and have both Lawrence Welk and Metallica on my iPod.”
She has a small number of people on that list whose opinions of her matter. Think about a few key people in your life who you care about, and who care deeply about you, those are the opinions that matter and they will not judge you for not being perfect. Let the rest go, try not to worry about pleasing everyone. Just be the best you that you can each day. Some days that person might be volunteering at a homeless shelter, and some days that you might be curled up under a blanket and watching Netflix, either is okay!
You’ve got this my friend!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
What steps are you taking to address the underlying anxiety?
That was / is a huge drinking trigger for me.
Face what you need to face or you are setting yourself up for relapse.
I think it is fantastic you are in triple numbers of sobriety days now.
Take the steps you need to keep building your sober time.
That was / is a huge drinking trigger for me.
Face what you need to face or you are setting yourself up for relapse.
I think it is fantastic you are in triple numbers of sobriety days now.
Take the steps you need to keep building your sober time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,643
Originally Posted by Pressmetilihurt 
Dunno. Just feeling weird. I feel like I'm never myself with people. I'm sober now about 126 days. I don't even know how to just not try to please everyone. It's exhausting.
I won't lie to you, drinking (or using) would probably be a temporary fix to this uncomfortable feeling. But when you come down, the uncomfortable feeling will still be there with the added anxiety of a relapse, fallout from whatever you do or say while you're under the influence, and physical / mental anguish from your body and brain trying to detox.
This, at least for me, is an important part of my recovery. I'm finding that whatever I feel or think, positive or negative, that it just is. And regardless of everything else, alcohol is the great subtractor - it will subtract away the good from the good feelings and it will make the bad feelings worse.
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