Ama

I got a few sober days under my belt.....thought I had acceptance. Well that bit is true because I know that I am an alcoholic.

So why cant I stop. I am not drinking now but just dont trust myself anymore. History tells me this.

My parents have taken the children - they had to. And they are getting state intervention to ensure that I dont have them anymore. They are doing these things because I have lost the plot. I dont know what to do anymore - My Dad called around earlier and all I could promise him was that I wouldnt drink for the next few hours. I pray that I wont - I cannot actually even swallow.....and I am sick of self pity - this is such a horribly selfish disease and yet I persist with all the knowledge at my disposal......

Where to now? Physical allergy - yes.....my body is in crisis - rashes breaking out all over me....mental addiction - yes......wish I could sleep as I havent been able to......for such a long time.....wish it would all just end....wish I had the strength to put an end to it and my sponser says that I do but where is it???? I do so wish for sobriety and recovery......Luvs Ama

ted

HEY AMA,I BEEN THERE ALSO.YOU KNOW THAT DRINKING WILL ONLY MAKE MATTERS WORSE.
KEEP CLOSE TO YOUR SPONSOR AND OTHERS IN THE PROGRAM.
STAY ONLINE AND GET SUPPORT.YOU CAN DO IT!!!
YOU ALREADY GOT A WEEK,ADD ANOTHER DAY TO THAT.
PRAYING FOR YOU.......................ted

Ann25

Hang in there. Have faith!!

Dunitall

Ama

You promised your father that you would stay sober for the next few hours. That's a great commitment!! You can stick to that and do something for yourself in the next few hours.

I think we all need support to beat our alcoholism and you've got lots of support here, so stay on line if that's what you need to do.

Just stay strong for you. We can all get through this.

Rich

Ama

Well - thank you for your good wishes.....and so far I havent had a drink and am keeping my promise to my Dad. My sponser sent me lovely email - she says I dont have a bad bone in my body. Wish I could believe that. Suppose its just the good people bad disease thing. My children are so badly scarred - I have a 15 year old son up in bed at the moment......he tried to help me last night and was hoovering and washing dishes etc till after 2.30am. So he has missed school today yet again.....as has my 17 year old daughter. How cruel I am being to them.... Dad took my 13 year old daughter away this morning.....her sweet little face was in so much pain and I did it to her - to all the children and my parents.

My son told me last night that basically I have been more or less drunk for a year. And it is true but I have been lying to myself and everyone I think. Sometimes I believe my own lies - I dont know what is really real anymore. If I could just find me but I know that requires sobriety - and I am actually scared of that. Isnt that the daftest thing ever. I will stay away from anything today. The children took all my cash and credit cards and laser etc. Its to protect me. Its not meant to be for bad reasons and I think there is no more drink left in the house so that is something to be grateful for. There is much to be grateful for.....wish I could remember such basics but alcoholism takes all the goodness out of life.

God but thank God you are there cause I need SR so bad at the moment Luvs Ama

Anna

Ama,

My heart goes out to you. I understand how really difficult things are for you right now. My children were 16 and 18 when I began to drink and that lasted for about 3 years. When I became sober I wanted everything to work out with my family immediately. It was almost impossible to have patience, but what choice did I have? Now 4 years later, things are wonderful. There is so much hope!! Keep on not drinking and things will work out for you.

Hang in there and PM me anytime if you feel like talking.

Love, Anna

Ann25

My heart goes out to you!!!! I can relate to the guilt you feel about your children. I have two daughters and the guilt still eats away at me.
But you are doing what you need to do and they will see that!!!!
Sobriety is a scarey thing!!!!! We`ve used for so long- we know nothing else.
We used drugs/alcohol to get through all the s**t we didnt want to deal with--now we are actually FEELING!! VERY SCAREY!!!!
Keep coming to SR! We`re here for you!!!!
Ann

exlibris

I'm glad to see you posted on SR. We've all gone through this one way or another.

Keep coming here and talk to your sponser and get to some meetings.

You can do it!!!!

Richard

Ama

I am scared of being sober and terrified of being drunk....You are so right. I know nothing else - just hide in a bottle..

I was thinking about Christmas - how hard it will be not to drink - lots of poor mes......when really what I must do is just deal with today. Cunning, powerful and baffling. It is a horrible disease. But I am not drinking now and for that small mercy I will be grateful.

SR is so good - filled with so many lovely people.....

Anna

That's it Ama, don't worry about Christmas right now. You're right Christmas will be hard and I think you will need a plan to get through Christmas sober, but, other than that just stick with the moment.

You can do this!!

Love, Anna

Ann25

:rose We`re here for you!!!!!!!

Ann

Ama

I just got off the phone with my brother and Dad. He was 40 two weeks ago and told me that he couldnt have a party to celebrate because of me and my drinking. No more family parties etc....

My Dad is heartbroken - and my Mum too - just too much sadness and unhappiness have been visited on those most dear to me. I pray that this will be the last time - it must be...

I have alot of support.....need to get to meetings - a head full of AA has given me the only sobriety in the past year or so.......I stop going and then drink - always the same pattern.....

Anna

Ama, would it be possible for your family to have a party to celebrate a birthday without alcohol, in order to support you? At least, early on in your sobriety, it would be a supportive thing to do.

Anna

Ama

They do try but you see Mum still drinks - she had 20 years sober but is back at it though somewhat controlled ????- whatever that is. I have been using the fact that she drinks again as an excuse. Dad is an enabler - not his fault - guilt on his part.....they at least admitted to day that I do need AA - they had been resisting that - so that is good.

This is a very sad disease but the children are here - dont know if they are staying but it is a comfort. Hope I can give back to them this time.......its time to get better....Luvs and Recovery.... Ama

Ama

Getting more sober hours under the belt - read a post today about staying sober being the real problem to contend with and this is perhaps the key for me. I get sober - give myself some recovery and then let down my guard or in this case didnt live recovery and omitted my meetings for 4 days. I know I cannot take chances like that anymore and certainly not in the run up to Christmas. Posting helps but fear I sound insane - I certainly have acted so over the past week. Need to have faith and that is going to take alot of hard work. Take care alll you good people Luvs Ama

Phinneas

((((Ama)))) The insanity is your disease, dear. My sponsor helped me so much when after I shared my 1st step history she said, you never would have done the things you did if you didn't have this disease. The disease is what makes me insane. The disease is what made me lie and act without integrity. She said, you are sick; you need to get well. Whew. What a relief in a way, you know? First that I am not really crazy (well, maybe the jury is still out on that one...lol) and second that in recovery I can get well. For me this means not acting in insane ways. Recovery is work. It's meetings, working the steps with a sponsor and doing the next right thing 24 hours at a time.

So, Ama, just for right now, grab my hand. You don't need to drink. You don't have to prolong the misery. There is hope. You can do it, dear. You can do it with the help of whatever higher power has meaning for you (your angels are still with you!), your friends here on SR and the new friends you will meet as you commit to meetings, meetings and more meetings.

Hang in there, OK?

jojo

Ama

Hi Folks!

Just got off the phone with my sponser. I called this thread Honest v Deceit and Deception. So I came clean about alot of things and feel better for it. But the list of wrongs is so big. Wish it were not so. Told her of the financial mess I had been creating for myself for the last 3-4 months. Creating all the poor me excuses to drink. I actually have to submit an invoice to a client since last August and so created my own mess - quite quite brilliantly. Seems I almost enjoy creating havoc in my life. What an almighty twerp - how insane have I become.......

Called my Dad too - just to reassure him that if only just tonight - I am not drinking and already day 2 is underway. I read some more Big Book.

My dear 13 year old daughter is with me tonight. She took part in a school play of Oklahoma tonight. I couldnt go and felt I had let her down. But I knew this was more of the poor mes so I changed my mood and did a special supper for her and she really enjoyed it. She is in great form. 15 year old son is not - he feels things too deeply and has stomach cramps and a headache and I know they are out of worrying for me. 17 year old daughter picked up form during the day and of course cooked dinner earlier too. 19 year old son talking to me so that is something......

Know that the only gift that I can give them of any worth is staying sober. How simple it sounds. My sponser said tonight that I must now go the whole way - that I am capable of it - we all are and that is consolation. Now its time to put the hard work in though.......Keep well All - Luvs Ama

Ama

(((((JoJo)))))Thanks - you are so so right......Ahhh yes the angels. I am hanging in......Did not leave the house today cause I didnt trust myself.

I know that a head full of AA is the only answer and handing it over to my higher power - re read page 567 - Spiritual Experience. Think it is sinking in - that together with the experiences of other alcoholics whilst drinking and the madness of it all and then the hope given by those in recovery and living life and not a slow death which is what I have been doing.....

New sober friends I do need.....and I am grateful for your heartfelt compassion. It is soothing at a time when life is not so pleasant because booze has been so terribly destructive..... Luvs and Recovery Ama

2dayzmuse

Reaching the lowest of lows is what helps me stay sober today. I can't go back to that point. I remember it all to well and realize I am one drink away from being at that point again, or worse. You remind me of where I was at physically and emotionally last year at this time. What a world of difference a few sober days can make. You can do this Ama. You have alot of support from people pulling for you. People who care for you and want to see you succeed. You know what the chances of succeeding are when drinking. Nil. Draw strength from others. I pray this will be that last time you have to go through this pain again because of booze. I had someone take my car keys away from me for the first 7 days of my detox. I too didn't trust myself and wanted to be assured that I wouldn't make a mad dash in a weak moment. Better safe then sorry. You remain in my thoughts and prayers. I have faith that you can get through this, you have before. Do you notice that everytime we decide to try controlled drinking one more time, the consequences become worse as a result of? Ask yourself this "What's next"? What unfortunate incident will happen the next time you decide to drink. Scary thought isn't it? I send you a Christmas Angel to watch over you and give you strength. Stay near to it and remember there is hope and faith.

markd451

I used drink, drug, and other "distractions" (including sex) because I never had the father's love I needed. I had disasterous relationships with almost every woman I was ever with for the same reason. I have been sober one month, and find the desire for a "quick fix" in my mind about every few minutes.

It takes time to overcome these bad habits, to learn to love myself, and it takes hard work and real patience to put away those old "selves" that I turned to for protection, but I know I need to do it.

I hope you can find the strength to stick with sobriety! IT IS WORTH IT!!

Mark