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Honesty v Deceit and Deception

Old 12-12-2004, 07:34 PM
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Ama
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Folks,

I just realised something. When I first came to SR I did read some posts and then I opened my own thread and golly but I was completely centred on it.

Now it is only 14 days sober but my goodness what a change has occured in me in that time. I am reading others posts hungrily - because it is the same for us all. Perhaps this is the very first step to departure from my self and selfishness - that which is sooo very characteristic of alcoholism afterfall......
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Old 12-13-2004, 04:26 PM
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Hello my dear friends in Recovery!

Well another day it coming to a close. Life and children and obligations meant that I missed my meeting. I was very very disappointed in that but it was not of my making! So I have been reading and posting here and phoned my sponser too and another AA member to tank my head up with recovery. Will bring the Big Book to bed and read some later too.

I had a really good talk with my son this evening too. We spoke alot about how my drinking has effected him and the other children. One lovely consequence of this was his praise for my efforts - he says he knows that I am really trying!!!????? And he came shopping with me too.....very normal stuff! I also got a call from a friend who has bi-polar and alcoholism from a bar!!!! :-(.....That was a very sobering call for me I assure you. She is sooo very very messed up! She had been to an AA meeting too and I dont know what to say to her. I just keep on telling her that I am feeling better off it and that life is looking brighter. She is so very like me you see - in much emotional pain and turmoil too - but with drink. With drink comes the unmanagability and she it in that land of hell now.

Got a letter today from the mortgage company dated 6th Dec giving me 10 days to pay or it will go to litigation. I will work out something but only because my head is clearing you see. I had expected it and think I have half the money so cross fingers and just maybe I will clear it by the end of the week. I am resourceful when sober - you dont want to know me when I drink I assure you.......not going back there......

Well - have to vacate the computer now but will have a wireless network soon so will be able to use my cute little new laptop then and visit SR whenever I need to. This site has been crucial to my recovery - so many good people helping one another!!!! Think I am here to stay - Thank you all ALWAYS.....

Luvs And Recovery
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Old 12-14-2004, 06:23 AM
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Well.......

It is 14:15 here in Ireland. I am in a total state of shock - I have just cleared my mortgage arrears...... all €4,000 of it and even paid Jan toooooooo. How - I do know but yet I dont - tis them promises kicking in you see!!!!! I am so overwhelmed - my partner had said he would but I couldnt go there. I am an Aries you see - independance etc etc - but it is now done.

I phoned my Dad and told him and he is sooooo thrilled and says I will be great again and that he knows it. I had not told anyone how bad things were you see. I get so very secretive..... so very alcoholic but sobriety has allowed me some HEAD functioning.....Have to tell you all this. My business is still rather shakey but one day a time please and THANK YOU!!!!!! Luvs ALWAYS Ama
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Old 12-14-2004, 10:47 AM
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Nice to see you continue digging into the Big Book. I had a friend who remains in similar, if not a worse financial predicument. I'll keep you both in my prayers and thanks again for keeping the glimmer of hope alive for others. Your thread here is an inspiration to me and countless others.
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Old 12-14-2004, 07:39 PM
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3 Legs,

The Big Book - well I am just about to have a little read before I shut eyes now. And I will think good wishes for your friend too. I think all the positive energy we can generate makes good things happen! I really really do. Be love and give love.

I will get a move on now though and put Day 17 on the map!!!! Gosh I cant believe this. I had funny thoughts in my head tonight - yip I am an alcoholic you see so I do think about drink. But the really strange thing was that I DID NOT act on it. That is progress I assure you. And because I didnt act on it I came home from the gym and chatted and laughed with the children - whose form was just wonderful today!!!!

My eldest son brought me supper too!!!! Lucky I was sitting down cause I nearly fainted :-).......I dont know what tomorrow will bring. What ever happens will happen - but it is my intention to use the day to build on my sobriety!!! It doesnt seem as hard and yet I am working on it as hard - but that is acceptance taking root I hope in this daft ole alcoholic head of mine.....

Good Night all and Luvs and Recovery and Nice Things......Ama
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Old 12-14-2004, 07:48 PM
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May you dream of sugar plum fairies and plumcake, not fruitcake. What is the consensus on plumcake anyway? Is it considered as dreaded as fruitcake? I happen to like both, just to add my two cents worth. Don't tell anyone.

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Old 12-14-2004, 07:52 PM
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((((LeAnne)))))

Wow - you never ever cease to amaze me - how pretty!!! And I assure you that your secret is safe with me. I like plum pudding and fruit cake too - think I am a fruit cake half the time anywayz hehehehhe......I reallllly am going to bed now with the Big Book too!!!! Thank you as again.....

Luvs and Cuggles Ama
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Old 12-14-2004, 10:42 PM
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the ghost of christmas past




Ama... i hated coming here the first week ... because here i know who i am in reality...yet it is a blessing that after it all i still have my inner sight... it only sees that which truely matters.....

when you cry for your children what are you seeing ? more importantly how are you able to see it .

i have a son that passed away at 4 mos old ... he was sleeping next to me when he rolled off the bed and onto a comforter blanket just beside the bed .... i was 3 feet from him when he died .... 3 feet !!!!.

i have inner sight like you and see as well as we all do with it .. you will choose well for your families future as do Mrs Jester and myself.

all these days you stay sober you face that much more of the fear you have of failing. you win a little more each day the sight you live by sees better things for you and yours.. i protect my visions for my future feircely now that i know i have a choice in how much pain i suffer and how much pain i bring into my home onto my wife and kids ...

i want to just say hang in there youll make it .. i think ill say instead that making it the way it can be as seen inside you is way better than just hanging on... in both cases youre faced with choosing... include your whole family in your choices especially the choices that involve alcohol..


Yours daily
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Old 12-15-2004, 07:38 PM
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Originally Posted by MightyJester160



Ama... i hated coming here the first week ... because here i know who i am in reality...yet it is a blessing that after it all i still have my inner sight... it only sees that which truely matters.....

when you cry for your children what are you seeing ? more importantly how are you able to see it .

i have a son that passed away at 4 mos old ... he was sleeping next to me when he rolled off the bed and onto a comforter blanket just beside the bed .... i was 3 feet from him when he died .... 3 feet !!!!.

i have inner sight like you and see as well as we all do with it .. you will choose well for your families future as do Mrs Jester and myself.

all these days you stay sober you face that much more of the fear you have of failing. you win a little more each day the sight you live by sees better things for you and yours.. i protect my visions for my future feircely now that i know i have a choice in how much pain i suffer and how much pain i bring into my home onto my wife and kids ...

i want to just say hang in there youll make it .. i think ill say instead that making it the way it can be as seen inside you is way better than just hanging on... in both cases youre faced with choosing... include your whole family in your choices especially the choices that involve alcohol..


Yours daily
[JDG]Jester
Thank you Jester, My heart goes out to you for the loss of your son. Such loss gives us so much insight indeed.....We can take sooo very much for granted - well I know I have and can.....

Today I did have a choice again as I do everyday. Today that choice was actually very easy indeed. Somedays it is a bit harder but I have made it the same for the last 17 days now and it is bringing benefits to me and my children and my parents too. I am very aware how much damage I have done - and can and will do if I pick up the first drink.

I will only pick up a first drink if I slack on my recovery. My recovery is through Sobriety and can only be this way as each day I work hard on Acceptance and the freedom that it yields.

Thank you for your words that have touched me deeply.....Luvs Ama

Last edited by Ama; 12-16-2004 at 03:43 AM.
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Old 12-15-2004, 07:55 PM
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Ama, don't be a slacker.
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Old 12-15-2004, 08:00 PM
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Keith - I wont be a slacker but I will wear the slacks in future held firmly in place with the belt and its increasing notches of recovery days !!!! Keep well, stay Sober.....Luvs Ama
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Old 12-17-2004, 07:16 PM
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for fighting the good fight..



good job on the days mark Ama,

i posted a note to you on my thread . it is an apology of sorts for what i posted here .. i was worried that i may have come from a selfish point of view when i wrote what i did. mabe condesending is a better word .... anyway what i said basically was that youre doing great at staying sober... it is obvious that you love your children very much as well. as we all do as parents. and that im too new at being sober to be saying things other than what ive been through or what i am going through .. as i read what you write i see a little bit of my pain in alot of what you write.. i need to address that in myself to learn from it ... not try to be your guide in recovery or anyones guid for that matter..

i am greatfull to not be healing alone ... sobering up alone.. becoming a responsible parent alone... i have you all here to talk to and read from..

i hope i contribute as much as you all do... i am glad to have a place to come for comfort sometimes..

im babbleing again when all i wanted to say was keep up the fight .. i am and ill try to be a better listener for ya in the future .. ":}


yours daily
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Old 12-18-2004, 07:59 AM
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opening page



example of what im saying when i say that the 12 steps books are important yet incomplete .... this is a poem from the opening page of my Deepak Chopra book titled " The Deeper Wound"

I know the day will come
When my sight of this world shall be lost.
Life will take its leave in silence,
Drawing the last curtrtain before my eyes.
Yet stars will still shine at night,
And mornings rise as before,
And hours will still heave like sea waves,
casting up pleasures and pains.
When i think of this end of my moments
The barrierof the moment breaks,
And i see by the light of death
Your world with its careless treasures.
Rare is its meanest of lives,
Rare is its lowliest seat.
Things that i longed for in vain,
And the things that i got-let them pass.
Let me but truly possess
The things that i ever spurned and overlooked.


-Rabindrananth Tagore, 1913.


Ama i reccomend this book especially for you.. first for you to read alon.. then for you to read with your family ... at a slow enough pace to allow each of your children a chance to ascend through there immediate pain... sort of a re boot if you will for there emotions .... listen to them and answer there questions truthfully... put the tougher ones offf just long enough for them to begin to understand whats happening but then answer them ... and let them share what they went through with you ...

you deserve the best as we all do .. i find the words in this book forcing me to do everything i do carefully clearly completely... i no longer rush through things because im running on anxiety addrennilin. i do things deliberately and from the heart for myself and anyone i do something for ...


another thing is to remember the truth in the statement.... what you seek from life...... give.... and allways offer something in return when you are taking....


be well Ama this day belongs to you ... ":}


Yours daily

[JDG]Jester
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Old 12-18-2004, 08:03 AM
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I've always enjoyed Rabindranath Tagore.

One of his passage hopefully not mutilated by my mere mortal memory -
"I slept and I dreamed that life was all joy
Awoke to find that life was but service
In serving, I found joy."
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Old 12-19-2004, 08:50 PM
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Ama, It is too quite here without you. How are you?
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Old 12-19-2004, 08:55 PM
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Yeah, how are you?
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Old 12-23-2004, 06:19 AM
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Ama. Hope you are OK? thinking about you.
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Old 12-23-2004, 11:27 AM
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Thinking of you Ama! I hope this finds you safe and well!
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Old 12-25-2004, 08:17 AM
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:hello
Merry Christmas!

I miss you posting.

Hope to hear from you again soon.
:tri
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Old 12-25-2004, 09:08 AM
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Merry Christmas Ama!
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