thomas11

Its times like right now that I really wish I had someone to talk to. Not really sure why, but my head right now is really busy. Lots of thoughts.

HeadEast

Post here!! I know it's not the same as talking to an actual person, but it's probably a close second.

teatreeoil007

It's safe and okay to post your busy thoughts here thomas! It might do you some good to sort of transfer those thoughts by getting them down in writing/typing. That's what's so great about this board. Times like this is what it's for. I don't know what all your thoughts are; if they are mostly negative or just jumbled or what. No one here is going to judge you on your writing skills or anything like that. Some of the best writing comes from busy minds. Give it a go.

Steely

What do you want to talk about, Thomas 11?

It's done now, and the future could be really good.

It sounds like things have been really tough lately. Also sounds like you are stabilising and returning to the Thomas I see other people here describe.

It'll pass Thomas. It will.

And that's a plus.

Anyrate, if you want to talk, talk away.

thomas11

I try to find relief from very dark thoughts by watching old movie clips from movies like Braveheart or Terminator 2. Then I try listening to music that I used to really like when I was in my late 20's. And while it gives me temporary relief, I ask myself "what the hell are you doing? you're 50 years old for christ sake. Grow up. And that's when my eggs get scrambled.

And they get more scrambled when I try to think of what my future holds. That's a whole other can of worms.

Anna

teatreeoil007

There's been times when I have felt myself carrying around a lot of pent up emotion and thoughts. Holding it all in just about did me in....I had to let it out...but I had to let it out sober....not through drinking. So many folks do turn to substances to "deal" with life and various things that happen. Sometimes life is just darn hard to deal with. One thing that helps me a lot is the medium of music and writing, art, and exercise. Whatever it is. Some people are "people people"...they are uplifted by being around others and engaging with others. Other people do well with a lot of physical exertion. Whatever it is. I love to know that maybe I'm helping someone else or INSPIRING someone else. I'm thrilled when I see the next generation of family making music....it goes back a ways and it all started as a means of COPING with life....not just the "nice" things in life, but the unpleasant things as well. I know someone who like wrote 20 new songs when he got a divorce. Wow. For him, it was a way of processing and dealing with the tragedy of divorce.

thomas11

Thank you Anna, you have always been a rock. I hope you have a nice new year.

thomas11

Very good post and thoughts here. I will say this, the higher you get on the mountain, the farther the fall when its over. I am dealing with that. I used to inspire people and I will give you examples at another time. I no longer inspire people, not even myself. And that's sad.

teatreeoil007

Sounds like you have some expectations of how you SHOULD be at 50 years old....it's fine to wonder that....but it's also fine to have a childlike spirit....not a childish spirit, but a childlike spirit. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with the music you liked when you were in your late twenties either. Nothing at all. It's all music that perhaps gives your mind a "reprieve" from the things that are dragging it down. We all need mind breaks. Sometimes we need to be transported in a way. This is why people love movies and such. It takes their mind off all their worries and stuff. It's also why perhaps we love walking on a nice beach and feeling the sand under our feet and the waves coming into shore. It's why we read books. It's why we have authors who write good books so we can read them.

thomas11

I should add that I am at what I hope is the tail end of these marathon awake sessions. I have not slept since Monday 8AM and its now Tuesday 9:30PM.

thomas11

Is that is what is referred to as "suspension of disbelief"? Like when someone watches the movie Jurassic park, we know its not real but we allow ourselves to believe it just for a while?

teatreeoil007

Hmmm.

One of the things about inspiring people is that in many cases we do not even realize we are inspiring someone....think about that. People who are inspired don't always let you know you have inspired them! So a person can go along and think they are not inspiring anyone when that may not be the case! Looky here how this thread you've started has inspired people to post! Yes I understand about falling from a high place....I get that....and it can be lonely at the "top".....but we're here and you're not alone in any of this....

Try this: flip it around. Let others inspire you. Try not to put pressure on yourself thinking you have to inspire others to feel good about yourself.

HeadEast

Quick story here. I'm 61 and have suffered from depression since I was a teenager. It was easily controlled by medication. The medication quit working and I was diagnosed with having bipolar II in January. I've been in the depressive state all year and slammed up into the manic state this last weekend. I've been up about 96 hours with no sleep.

Another quick comment. I found I grew a lot and changed a lot from 50 to 60. The future looks bright.

teatreeoil007

Yes and thank God Jurassic park is NOT real!Yikes.

I know someone who loves horror movies. . I have tried to figure out why she likes them so much. She's not like a freaky scary person or anything like that. She's actually pretty docile. I think maybe she gets a bit of an adrenalin rush from it. .Anyway, horror movies are interesting for sure, but not something I would turn to.....it like we all need an outlet. When we are young we are more spontaneous and carefree. As we get older we tend place more expectations on ourselves and we think things like "I should do this and have that and be this by such and such age". That kind of thinking can cause us to get us in one big funk.

thomas11

Thank you so much for this post. I have wondered if my medication is no longer working as it should. I will find out soon. Thank you so much for taking the time to post.

teatreeoil007

I'm looking at the back of side of '50's now. There's things I sort of miss....but there's things I sure don't miss. I've grown into more self acceptance. Self love, and self care. I tell myself: "No pressure". There's enough pressure in this world. I don't need to pressure myself.

thomas11

That kind of thinking can get us in one big funk..........Indeed it has.

teatreeoil007

Sorry you are in a funk. Do you realize that just by being honest in your feelings you are taking a step to wellness? You're no longer stuffing your feelings! From my own experience and time of feeling "undone"....it came about largely by stuffing my feelings. And I had them stuffed to the brim. I carried them around for quite awhile....it led to a pretty bad depression.....I spiraled down and won't get into all of it....BUT, I distinctly remember the very day my feelings were no longer STUFFED...and that put me in a better path....it still required work on my part...but at least it got me started in a better direction. The day I sort of "unstuffed"....it was like a huge burden was lifted.

thomas11

What I am coming to realize at this moment is that I have a choice to dwell on the past for forge a future for myself. I will say this, no success in my future will exceed the depravity of my past. I never killed anyone, but I have done some bad stuff. And got rich doing it. I need to bury those thoughts and try and salvage what is left of my life. I look at it as phase 3.