Auchieshuggle

I don't think anybody's disputing this. The operative word is incapable. As a few people have said, one can sometimes function apparently normally when very drunk and not recall it later.

Surrendered19

Rules to live by: You know if someone is drunk. If they are drunk do not have sex with them. If they are incapacitated by being drunk they cannot consent. When in doubt assume that they are incapacitated. Anyone with any sort of protective instinct knows this. Everafter you were assaulted. Report it.

Dee74

My remarks were addressed to the OP.

D

cantsleep123

Was the male in question drunk or not? This should matter imo. If so how can he be held accountable for his actions but you can't? Also were you blacked out (I e. No memories) or incapacitated? There is a huge difference. I would get feedback from your other friends since you have almost no memory.

HeadEast

Those would be questions for law enforcement to determine, should she decide to go that route.

cantsleep123

Very true. Her friends need to be interviewed. Either way her drinking has become dangerous to her so quitting is smart. Tough subject all around.

Sushiroll

Hi Everafter, if I was your husband I would rather hear it from you than a "friend".
I hope you're ok.

Dee74

Threads tend to go off the rails when we start to speak about the OP (Original Poster) in the third person.

if you have experience to share, or advice for the OP and her recovery, please post directly to them.

If not - maybe its time to take arguments to PM, guys.

Dee
Administrator
SR

fini

Everafter,
very sorry to hear of this complex situation.
whatever you decide about going to the police and/or telling your husband, please do go to a healthcare professional and get checked for STDs and pregnancy.
also, in addition to therapist, there are women’s services that specifically are set up for assaults on women.
i hope you will take good care of yourself.
and that you will stick around for your sobriety journey.

b0glerd69

Hi Everafter, I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. What a mess! Only you can decide how to take it forward but you should use this awful experience to motivate you to stop drinking alcohol for good. As dee has said above, it's clear that your drinking is putting you into very risky situations. This awful experience can act as a cornerstone in your mind when you 'play the tape forward' - this is a technique that us alcoholics use to prevent us picking up the first drink. All the best, stay sober and in a few days the situation will improve.

Shealy

Firstly, I am so sorry that this happened to you. I wholeheartedly agree with what some others have said, just because you were drunk doesn't make you deserving of such a devastating experience.

My advice re telling husband- my husband and I are also best friends but we also have communication issues at times, especially when the topic is something uncomfortable or emotional. If I need to talk about something serious, I write him a letter. That way I can make sure I say everything I need to say, without the complication of his emotions or reactions preventing me from doing so. It works for us.

I will keep my fingers crossed for you that the conversation goes well and you feel supported by your husband to begin this road to recovery. If it doesn't go well though, please remember that you do have people who support you and believe in you. As horrible as this experience was, you can turn it into an opportunity to change your future.

Best wishes girl. <3

Steely

I've been there too Everafter. I am so sorry.

I hope you tell your husband and go to the police. You did not consent, therefore you were raped.

As for the 'flirty' bit. Reminds me of the "short skirt defence". She was wearing a short skirt and wearing red lipstick. Must have been asking for it. Deserved it even! No, short skirts and red lipstick are not an invitation to have sex without consent.

You did not want it, nor did you consent. I hope you do go to the police.

And don't for a moment 'blame yourself'. The a/hole took complete advantage of you.

Again, I am so very sorry.

MeToo.

Edit: And with whatever you decide, you will be supported here.

ReadyAtLast

How are you feeling today Everafter?

Does your husband know this other man? Would he confront him do you think if you told him? Can any of your friends help piece together parts of the evening you can't remember, If this would help you of course.

As others have said, I have also had many evenings where I can't remember huge parts yet as far as anyone else was concerned I was fine and just seemed a bit merry, so they told me afterwards.

I don't know how old you are but it gets so much worse as we get older too. just sitting at home drinking a few glasses of wine I have sent normal messages to friends and not remembered them at all until I've re-read them in the morning. It really is scary stuff and I hope you keep posting on here and commit to getting sober. Maybe join the December class?

I think this thread raises really interesting points from both sides. We are definitely at a stage where men should be extremely cautious or just not have sex with any woman who has drunk any alcohol as even if she seems normal/ok/not drunk and agrees to sex (not saying you did Everafter) she could technically be blacked out and not remember in the morning and the man be facing a potential rape charge.

cantsleep123

Yes sober men should definitely not have sex with drunk girls but what if he were equally drunk? Everyone here is just assuming the male was sober enough to consent but she wasn't. Big assumption in my opinion. Also since many have stated how you can appear more sober than you are how will anyone determine if there was an "at fault" party? It's all he said she said at this point and dangerous for everyone involved.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do Everafter and hope you never end up in this situation again.

MantaLady

Have to agree cantsleep. When two people are as drunk as each other to then say one must be able to make rationale sober decisions is unfair and unrealistic. We all make bad decisions when drunk, no-one is immune. If we didn’t there would not be a need for SR with a mix of all kinds of people from all walks of life of both sexes. I’ve had sex I barely remember with people who I wouldn’t have or wouldn’t want to have when sober. Just because sober me doesn’t want to have sex with them doesn’t mean drunk me won’t do it anyway. Drunk me drove and totalled a car, sober me would never do that, drunk me sent nasty texts to people I care about and even my boss, sober me would never do that. I can’t as an alcoholic say I should be excused for my own actions whilst telling another drunk that they should be better than that and more sensible or rationale than me. A drunk is a drunk and we all have the same problem behaviours.

I hope you are feeling better today Everafter, let us know how you are getting on xx

SuficintCrlsns

EverAfter, that's a heavy situation and the best way to deal with it is to be honest and move forward. A lot of us have had similar blackout situations that we painfully regret. I had one that was a catalyst for my getting sober once it came up later and I started remembering some of what I did.

I said disparaging things about my beloved family, said things that would hurt my wife deeply, got kicked out of a bar, almost got into a fight. All of these things are not me and I was disgusted with myself. I drank so much that night I probably should have been hospitalized, but that's no excuse. The only thing I could do is not ever be that ugly person again and that is by never drinking again.

That's the fastest way to put this behind you, let the chips fall where they may, but just don't do the one thing anymore that got you into this mess.

SC

gymratgirl

I truly hope that you are able to work through this with your husband and a therapist. That being said, I think going to the Police is not the right path to take. You were drunk, he was drunk...and it sounds like you were sending very direct message to him that you were interested. Of course, if at any time, you said NO, then he should have not proceeded. Blacking out and passing out are different. If you were passed out...then that is absolutely a crime. I am also female so I am not trying to shame you in any way. I have been in your shoes before. I appeared to be happily drunk and having fun, when in reality, I had no memory of the evening. I take some ownership of what I got myself into, and what I said or agreed to at the time. A good reminder of why to stay sober. Good luck.

Obladi

You guys, I'm not the boss of anyone around here, but can I just say that it's clear to me that Everafter is a big girl with a good head on her shoulders and has probably heard more than enough of this debate to make up her own mind to decide what to do about this situation? In fact, she has. She told us so. Maybe someone would like to start a separate thread about this interesting and controversial topic if you wish to continue discussing it? Also, as Dee very gently reminded us, it's really quite rude to mull over a person's issues in the third person on their own thread. (My judgement there, not his.) Not saying all y'all are doing that, but some of you kind of are in a sneaky kind of way, maybe?

Sorry to have done just that very thing third-person thing here, Everafter.
Sometimes I just can't contain myself in my frustration.
If you think I'm being unnecessarily buttiniskyish, please don't hesitate to tell me so.

O

decchemist

Hello Everafter

I agree with what Obladi writes. You have had a lot of advice which is in conflict. Now you have to make a decision that is right for you. And if I were you I would keep that decision to myself, as it seems about 50:50 for what appears to me to be two extremes in terms of action.

What we are good at here at SR is support for what many self made bad situations stem from - drink and drugs. I am sure you know that drinking must stop for you now. Life's pretty good without it. Honest!

Wishing you the best.

cantsleep123

Yeah I've said my part and I think both sides of the issue have been stated. I hope Everafter gets the help she needs as clearly the drinking has become a major problem. Good luck OP!