I am a newbie with on and off sobriety needing to make it permanent
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Wethersfield, CT
Posts: 20
I am a newbie with on and off sobriety needing to make it permanent
My journey leading to this point has been just short of 10 years. I am 29 year old female, turning 30 in June. I’m an office manager of a chiropractic office while simultaneously in business school with 2 semesters left. I am grateful that I didn’t start drinking alcohol regularly until I was about 20-21-22 vs in high school because who knows where I’d be now.
I have been married for a little over a year to my wife who recently has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (whole separate issue, kind of, but fits into my reasons for sobriety). I have multiple alcoholic aunts and uncles, so you’d think maybe that would have been a turn off for me to drink.
I have always been a highly functioning drinker. I have never lost a job over it, only ONE relationship in my entire life has been truly terminated due to my drinking (although when you think about it even one is too many).
I am only 2 days sober as I write this (yes decided it was a great idea to get wasted on a Wednesday night!), but that’s not an issue for me. My initial stopping has never been the problem, it’s the long haul. I have gone 7 months without a drop simply by choice (around 4 years ago), since then the longest has probably been around 3-4 months. But even then I make the choice, give myself an end date (huge thing I will need to work on) and that’s that. I can be around drinking, watch my wife sit in our living room and drink and I’m not tempted at all. And my ability to do this makes me think “hey I don’t have THAT much of an alcohol problem right? I can control it!” but the issue is when I do decide to drink again, it almost always turns into a bender.
It’s like a switch goes on and I’m this ravenous person that would do anything to keep drinking. And I will NEVER have just one… or two.. or three even. I drink to get drunk and that’s not something that I hide. I have had so many blackouts there is no way I could ever count. To think that there are people who have never blacked out in their life makes me think WHAT??? That’s almost every time for me.
I have crashed my car into a tree when I was driving home drunk, got arrested for leaving my car on a backroad and evading responsibility (thankfully no DUI because I was 20 at the time and surely would have been extra screwed). I have been taken to the drunk tank trying to go to a 311 concert because I got so wasted. I have watched my cousin (basically my sister) who has a major alcohol problem be arrested, picked her up from jail, find out she’s in the hospital for seizures and alcohol abuse related symptoms. Now she has a breathalyzer 2x/day which I am truly grateful for because she CANNOT drink or she will be arrested. Never would think it would have to come to that.
And my question is always this, why do I always go back to it?!?! I can go a super late night, drinking like crazy, wake up the next morning and say “wow I’d definitely have a bloody mary right now!” And then the process starts right over. I know my continuous wanting to drink after a day/night of drinking is just my physical cravings, but what is hard in the long term for me is the “boredom” of being sober, as well as the social aspect. In the beginning the amazing feeling of being sober for a few months at a time is addicting in itself. You sleep better, you become really clear headed, your overall mood is better, WAY more productive and motivated, don’t have to wake up ever thinking “shit what did I do last night???”, save money, save LOTS of calories (if you’re into fitness that is a huge one). Alcohol is so socialized that everyone thinks it’s normal to drink all the time when it actually isn’t.
But then there are also the people who CAN only have a few, and I just need to remember that I am not like them.
At this point in my life I know it’s best for my wife and me to stay sober. She was diagnosed with a mental illness and drinking for her is absolutely not going to help. But we are still in the beginning phases of figuring out what is going to work best for her. Wine and beer and alcoholic beverages have always been kind of a big thing in our lives, but it also hasn’t. When I met my wife it was the end of my 7 month sobriety. So thankfully the foundation of our entire relationship has NEVER been built on alcohol, going out getting drunk, etc., and I was actually more clearheaded than I had ever been in my life when I met her. So I’m not worried about my sobriety doing anything to my marriage. If anything it will help because I will never again be a drunken jerk sucky wife.
I am grateful that I have found this site and hope to make some relationships to be able to help each other! I am fully ready and willing to do what it takes to not have this be another phase of sobriety for me, and instead be a permanent aspect of my life. Thank you for reading if you made it this far! <3
I have been married for a little over a year to my wife who recently has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (whole separate issue, kind of, but fits into my reasons for sobriety). I have multiple alcoholic aunts and uncles, so you’d think maybe that would have been a turn off for me to drink.
I have always been a highly functioning drinker. I have never lost a job over it, only ONE relationship in my entire life has been truly terminated due to my drinking (although when you think about it even one is too many).
I am only 2 days sober as I write this (yes decided it was a great idea to get wasted on a Wednesday night!), but that’s not an issue for me. My initial stopping has never been the problem, it’s the long haul. I have gone 7 months without a drop simply by choice (around 4 years ago), since then the longest has probably been around 3-4 months. But even then I make the choice, give myself an end date (huge thing I will need to work on) and that’s that. I can be around drinking, watch my wife sit in our living room and drink and I’m not tempted at all. And my ability to do this makes me think “hey I don’t have THAT much of an alcohol problem right? I can control it!” but the issue is when I do decide to drink again, it almost always turns into a bender.
It’s like a switch goes on and I’m this ravenous person that would do anything to keep drinking. And I will NEVER have just one… or two.. or three even. I drink to get drunk and that’s not something that I hide. I have had so many blackouts there is no way I could ever count. To think that there are people who have never blacked out in their life makes me think WHAT??? That’s almost every time for me.
I have crashed my car into a tree when I was driving home drunk, got arrested for leaving my car on a backroad and evading responsibility (thankfully no DUI because I was 20 at the time and surely would have been extra screwed). I have been taken to the drunk tank trying to go to a 311 concert because I got so wasted. I have watched my cousin (basically my sister) who has a major alcohol problem be arrested, picked her up from jail, find out she’s in the hospital for seizures and alcohol abuse related symptoms. Now she has a breathalyzer 2x/day which I am truly grateful for because she CANNOT drink or she will be arrested. Never would think it would have to come to that.
And my question is always this, why do I always go back to it?!?! I can go a super late night, drinking like crazy, wake up the next morning and say “wow I’d definitely have a bloody mary right now!” And then the process starts right over. I know my continuous wanting to drink after a day/night of drinking is just my physical cravings, but what is hard in the long term for me is the “boredom” of being sober, as well as the social aspect. In the beginning the amazing feeling of being sober for a few months at a time is addicting in itself. You sleep better, you become really clear headed, your overall mood is better, WAY more productive and motivated, don’t have to wake up ever thinking “shit what did I do last night???”, save money, save LOTS of calories (if you’re into fitness that is a huge one). Alcohol is so socialized that everyone thinks it’s normal to drink all the time when it actually isn’t.
But then there are also the people who CAN only have a few, and I just need to remember that I am not like them.
At this point in my life I know it’s best for my wife and me to stay sober. She was diagnosed with a mental illness and drinking for her is absolutely not going to help. But we are still in the beginning phases of figuring out what is going to work best for her. Wine and beer and alcoholic beverages have always been kind of a big thing in our lives, but it also hasn’t. When I met my wife it was the end of my 7 month sobriety. So thankfully the foundation of our entire relationship has NEVER been built on alcohol, going out getting drunk, etc., and I was actually more clearheaded than I had ever been in my life when I met her. So I’m not worried about my sobriety doing anything to my marriage. If anything it will help because I will never again be a drunken jerk sucky wife.
I am grateful that I have found this site and hope to make some relationships to be able to help each other! I am fully ready and willing to do what it takes to not have this be another phase of sobriety for me, and instead be a permanent aspect of my life. Thank you for reading if you made it this far! <3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Wethersfield, CT
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by Callas 
I can relate to so much of what you have written here. The boredom of sobriety and socialising without alcohol are difficult for me. Best of luck to you.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
welcome to sober recovery.
You drink to blackout. What is the social aspect of that? What remedy is that to boredom? Is blackout drinking an activity?
You drink like that and return to drinking like that after a period of sobriety because you are an alcoholic. One who isn't fully convinced that they need to quit FOR GOOD. I suspect you don't want to quit drinking as much as you would like to drink normally. But that isn't happening. I hope you can accept that because it will go a long way in making sobriety stick.
Originally Posted by shellatron
And my question is always this, why do I always go back to it?!?! I can go a super late night, drinking like crazy, wake up the next morning and say “wow I’d definitely have a bloody mary right now!” And then the process starts right over. I know my continuous wanting to drink after a day/night of drinking is just my physical cravings, but what is hard in the long term for me is the “boredom” of being sober, as well as the social aspect.
You drink like that and return to drinking like that after a period of sobriety because you are an alcoholic. One who isn't fully convinced that they need to quit FOR GOOD. I suspect you don't want to quit drinking as much as you would like to drink normally. But that isn't happening. I hope you can accept that because it will go a long way in making sobriety stick.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
I am living Day 30 sober and I have never felt one moment that I would describe as "bored." I was afraid of that too but it just doesn't happen in most cases I think. You are clearly such a thoughtful person capable of seeing yourself and your situation, which makes you rare among addicts. In your post you listed about 20 great reasons to stay sober for good. I will also tell you right now that this thing gets harder and harder to control. You are young and strong and can do battle with booze right now, and it sounds like you come out on top sometimes. But it won't stay that way. It will erode your health and when you get older like me (54), you have done such damage to yourself that you can never correct. Get sober now. The gift of sobriety in your 30's and 40's - your two best decades I think - would be amazing. The reason you always go back to it is because it wants to kill you and won't stop until it has.
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 259
Welcome and congratulations on looking for sobriety and recovery.
There are parts of your story that I can relate to. I also was not a day to day drinker but a binge drinker who managed to keep advancing in work and also maintained a pretty decent social circle of family and friends.
I would go for weeks and months without drinking but it wasn't done with the intention of permanent sobriety or recovery. Instead Id fill the time up by doubling down on work, exercise, eating better, getting more sleep, traveling and other stuff. I sat in bars with friends and didn't drink or went to big celebrations totally sober. But, I knew the time was coming when I was going to take the next drink and when I did, it was off to the races.
Originally what was a big night out turned into several days of isolation drinking over the years and much more difficulty in managing the increasing responsibilities that come with life.
Im now on the path to recovery and the difference is that Im doing this with the intention of making it a permanent way of life. Instead of seeing it as a sacrifice Im looking at this as a move in a better direction. I go to meetings thru the week but I also try to listen to routinely listen to parts of a recovery podcast when walking or jogging each day. Each day I try to set my day with one of the goals of living a balanced life and doing the things that make alcohol unnecessary. Its a lot but then that means I don't feel the boredom (I use to call that "empty dead time") I had when I was drinking. Thats just a little bit of whats been working for me.
I wish you well in this and hope you find what works for you. Keep moving in a good direction.
There are parts of your story that I can relate to. I also was not a day to day drinker but a binge drinker who managed to keep advancing in work and also maintained a pretty decent social circle of family and friends.
I would go for weeks and months without drinking but it wasn't done with the intention of permanent sobriety or recovery. Instead Id fill the time up by doubling down on work, exercise, eating better, getting more sleep, traveling and other stuff. I sat in bars with friends and didn't drink or went to big celebrations totally sober. But, I knew the time was coming when I was going to take the next drink and when I did, it was off to the races.
Originally what was a big night out turned into several days of isolation drinking over the years and much more difficulty in managing the increasing responsibilities that come with life.
Im now on the path to recovery and the difference is that Im doing this with the intention of making it a permanent way of life. Instead of seeing it as a sacrifice Im looking at this as a move in a better direction. I go to meetings thru the week but I also try to listen to routinely listen to parts of a recovery podcast when walking or jogging each day. Each day I try to set my day with one of the goals of living a balanced life and doing the things that make alcohol unnecessary. Its a lot but then that means I don't feel the boredom (I use to call that "empty dead time") I had when I was drinking. Thats just a little bit of whats been working for me.
I wish you well in this and hope you find what works for you. Keep moving in a good direction.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Welcome, shellatron!
"But then there are also the people who CAN only have a few, and I just need to remember that I am not like them."
For me, it is more than just remembering what kind of drinker I am, it is ACCEPTING what kind of drinker I am.
'A few drinks' is not ever how I drank. Permanent abstinence and recovery is the only option for me.
"But then there are also the people who CAN only have a few, and I just need to remember that I am not like them."
For me, it is more than just remembering what kind of drinker I am, it is ACCEPTING what kind of drinker I am.
'A few drinks' is not ever how I drank. Permanent abstinence and recovery is the only option for me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Wethersfield, CT
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
welcome to sober recovery.
You drink to blackout. What is the social aspect of that? What remedy is that to boredom? Is blackout drinking an activity?
You drink like that and return to drinking like that after a period of sobriety because you are an alcoholic. One who isn't fully convinced that they need to quit FOR GOOD. I suspect you don't want to quit drinking as much as you would like to drink normally. But that isn't happening. I hope you can accept that because it will go a long way in making sobriety stick.
You drink to blackout. What is the social aspect of that? What remedy is that to boredom? Is blackout drinking an activity?
You drink like that and return to drinking like that after a period of sobriety because you are an alcoholic. One who isn't fully convinced that they need to quit FOR GOOD. I suspect you don't want to quit drinking as much as you would like to drink normally. But that isn't happening. I hope you can accept that because it will go a long way in making sobriety stick.
Sorry I can't figure out how to properly reply without including the entire post!
I don't specifically drink to black out but I drink to get a buzz on, and that's what the activity is. Day drinking has always been "an activity" but then it doesn't stop. I honestly don't even want to drink normally. I either am going hard or I'm 100% sober. I won't bother to drink if it means I'm not getting drunk. I definitely know I have an alcohol problem so that is why I'm making the moves now to change my life for the better!
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Wethersfield, CT
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by Surrendered19
I am living Day 30 sober and I have never felt one moment that I would describe as "bored." I was afraid of that too but it just doesn't happen in most cases I think. You are clearly such a thoughtful person capable of seeing yourself and your situation, which makes you rare among addicts. In your post you listed about 20 great reasons to stay sober for good. I will also tell you right now that this thing gets harder and harder to control. You are young and strong and can do battle with booze right now, and it sounds like you come out on top sometimes. But it won't stay that way. It will erode your health and when you get older like me (54), you have done such damage to yourself that you can never correct. Get sober now. The gift of sobriety in your 30's and 40's - your two best decades I think - would be amazing. The reason you always go back to it is because it wants to kill you and won't stop until it has.
I truly appreciate your reply.
I agree that 30s and 40s are going to be the best and most important years of my life especially since my wife and I plan to start trying to having kids within the next few years. I am horrified to think of the damage it will do to me if I keep going in the same direction, even with my random acts of self control. I have always said when I have kids I am never going to drink at all because I would never want my child to see me drunk!:
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Wethersfield, CT
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by 2ndhandrose
Welcome, shellatron!
"But then there are also the people who CAN only have a few, and I just need to remember that I am not like them."
For me, it is more than just remembering what kind of drinker I am, it is ACCEPTING what kind of drinker I am.
'A few drinks' is not ever how I drank. Permanent abstinence and recovery is the only option for me.
"But then there are also the people who CAN only have a few, and I just need to remember that I am not like them."
For me, it is more than just remembering what kind of drinker I am, it is ACCEPTING what kind of drinker I am.
'A few drinks' is not ever how I drank. Permanent abstinence and recovery is the only option for me.
Yes that is a much better way to put it. Regardless of what everyone else thinks and that I don't have an alcohol problem I am "normal" and "I don't let it control my life" I know myself better than they know me and I know it's a problem. What they don't know is how much it does control my life! I think about drinking constantly. Permanence I think is the only option for me at this point too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Wethersfield, CT
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by ciowa
Welcome and congratulations on looking for sobriety and recovery.
There are parts of your story that I can relate to. I also was not a day to day drinker but a binge drinker who managed to keep advancing in work and also maintained a pretty decent social circle of family and friends.
I would go for weeks and months without drinking but it wasn't done with the intention of permanent sobriety or recovery. Instead Id fill the time up by doubling down on work, exercise, eating better, getting more sleep, traveling and other stuff. I sat in bars with friends and didn't drink or went to big celebrations totally sober. But, I knew the time was coming when I was going to take the next drink and when I did, it was off to the races.
Originally what was a big night out turned into several days of isolation drinking over the years and much more difficulty in managing the increasing responsibilities that come with life.
Im now on the path to recovery and the difference is that Im doing this with the intention of making it a permanent way of life. Instead of seeing it as a sacrifice Im looking at this as a move in a better direction. I go to meetings thru the week but I also try to listen to routinely listen to parts of a recovery podcast when walking or jogging each day. Each day I try to set my day with one of the goals of living a balanced life and doing the things that make alcohol unnecessary. Its a lot but then that means I don't feel the boredom (I use to call that "empty dead time") I had when I was drinking. Thats just a little bit of whats been working for me.
I wish you well in this and hope you find what works for you. Keep moving in a good direction.
There are parts of your story that I can relate to. I also was not a day to day drinker but a binge drinker who managed to keep advancing in work and also maintained a pretty decent social circle of family and friends.
I would go for weeks and months without drinking but it wasn't done with the intention of permanent sobriety or recovery. Instead Id fill the time up by doubling down on work, exercise, eating better, getting more sleep, traveling and other stuff. I sat in bars with friends and didn't drink or went to big celebrations totally sober. But, I knew the time was coming when I was going to take the next drink and when I did, it was off to the races.
Originally what was a big night out turned into several days of isolation drinking over the years and much more difficulty in managing the increasing responsibilities that come with life.
Im now on the path to recovery and the difference is that Im doing this with the intention of making it a permanent way of life. Instead of seeing it as a sacrifice Im looking at this as a move in a better direction. I go to meetings thru the week but I also try to listen to routinely listen to parts of a recovery podcast when walking or jogging each day. Each day I try to set my day with one of the goals of living a balanced life and doing the things that make alcohol unnecessary. Its a lot but then that means I don't feel the boredom (I use to call that "empty dead time") I had when I was drinking. Thats just a little bit of whats been working for me.
I wish you well in this and hope you find what works for you. Keep moving in a good direction.
Omg the sobriety and then being "off to the races" is spot on. That is the exact same pattern I would follow. Getting super into exercising, super into other things, focusing on school etc.
I feel SO much more accomplished when a day goes by and I don't allow alcohol into it!
Thank you for your reply I wish you well too!
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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Welcome!
It's good that your marriage is not based on alcohol and that there are reasons for neither of you to drink.
The reason that you go back to drinking is because you are, like me, an alcoholic. Logic and reason doesn't work for us. Good job on Day 2! As you said, staying sober is harder than stopping drinking. I needed to make lifestyle changes to support my recovery. I had to change my daily routine and patterns in the early days. I made myself get out of the house right after supper (my difficult time) to go on long walks. I removed a few toxic people from my life. I think you can try to figure out what will bring peace and joy to your days, weeks and months, so that you can stay sober.
I wish you and your wife all the best as you begin to deal with her mental health issues.
It's good that your marriage is not based on alcohol and that there are reasons for neither of you to drink.
The reason that you go back to drinking is because you are, like me, an alcoholic. Logic and reason doesn't work for us. Good job on Day 2! As you said, staying sober is harder than stopping drinking. I needed to make lifestyle changes to support my recovery. I had to change my daily routine and patterns in the early days. I made myself get out of the house right after supper (my difficult time) to go on long walks. I removed a few toxic people from my life. I think you can try to figure out what will bring peace and joy to your days, weeks and months, so that you can stay sober.
I wish you and your wife all the best as you begin to deal with her mental health issues.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Wethersfield, CT
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by Anna
Welcome!
It's good that your marriage is not based on alcohol and that there are reasons for neither of you to drink.
The reason that you go back to drinking is because you are, like me, an alcoholic. Logic and reason doesn't work for us. Good job on Day 2! As you said, staying sober is harder than stopping drinking. I needed to make lifestyle changes to support my recovery. I had to change my daily routine and patterns in the early days. I made myself get out of the house right after supper (my difficult time) to go on long walks. I removed a few toxic people from my life. I think you can try to figure out what will bring peace and joy to your days, weeks and months, so that you can stay sober.
I wish you and your wife all the best as you begin to deal with her mental health issues.
It's good that your marriage is not based on alcohol and that there are reasons for neither of you to drink.
The reason that you go back to drinking is because you are, like me, an alcoholic. Logic and reason doesn't work for us. Good job on Day 2! As you said, staying sober is harder than stopping drinking. I needed to make lifestyle changes to support my recovery. I had to change my daily routine and patterns in the early days. I made myself get out of the house right after supper (my difficult time) to go on long walks. I removed a few toxic people from my life. I think you can try to figure out what will bring peace and joy to your days, weeks and months, so that you can stay sober.
I wish you and your wife all the best as you begin to deal with her mental health issues.
Thank you!! Definitely will be a new struggle but I see us coming out on the other side. Everything positive is possible when you stay sober!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Wethersfield, CT
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by cantsleep123
It's good that you realize you absolutely cannot drink normally and therefore should never drink again. I was the exact same as you and I've come to see the light. Good luck on your journey!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Florida
Posts: 368
Originally Posted by shellatron
Yeah it sucks it has taken this long to come to ultimate terms with but at least I can move forward from here and just try to make the best decisions. 😊 happy for you to have seen the light!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Wethersfield, CT
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by least
Welcome to the family. I hope our support can help you get sober for good.
I hope our support can help you get sober for good. Thank you!!! I hope so too! I love your username!
40526222_10214718000558669_6546740223189975040_o.jpg
That is my dog Casey she just turned 3!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Wethersfield, CT
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by cantsleep123
Do you have a plan for staying sober other than just not drinking? Have you tried AA? I was challenged to do 90 meetings in 90 days and I'll be attending my 11th straight today. It has absolutely helped.
Way to go on your 11th meeting!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Florida
Posts: 368
Originally Posted by shellatron
In all honesty I have never really considered AA based on what I've read about it because I feel like its just not for me. I definitely am NOT 100% closed off to it though. My plan really is to get support now from my wife, family, friends, and everyone apart of this community. I have had incredible self control in the past with my drinking so its all a matter of not giving in at the times of weakness (which surprisingly not THAT often once I have sobriety distinctly in my head).
Way to go on your 11th meeting!!!!!
Way to go on your 11th meeting!!!!!
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