Notices

Has anyone else started without a plan?

Old 12-20-2019, 09:14 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by NessunDorma View Post
I took up running, in part as an outlet for my neurotic/obsessive/addictive streak, in part as a sort of camoflage for declining drinks, as if my alcoholism wasn't obvious to all. It was around this time of year, I was going to tell people it was a New Years health kick, although I actually stopped just before Christmas.
Funny, but I think that was the response I've been half forming in my mind in preparation for holidays next week. Whatever works, right?

I can't imagine ever having the nerve to just boldly say, "I can't drink because it's killing me." I'm so accustomed to always having a secret or three working under the surface at all times. So keeping my not-drinking under wraps feels safe. I'm buying new running shoes tomorrow, so it's good cover lol.

Thanks for story and the inspiration to get out the door! And congrats on raising a sober child!
Ginniver is offline  
Old 12-21-2019, 04:52 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
Member
 
DriGuy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,112
Originally Posted by ciowa View Post
This is kind of the conclusion I came to as well. I can't plan for every conceivable trigger or stress event so I work on trying to rebuild my resilience and coping abilities in general.
I agree. You can't plan for every little snag that could possibly turn up, so you need a general overall plan to cover the unforeseen. In my case, that overall plan was to stop and think anytime drinking seemed like a tempting idea. The second step of the overall plan was remembering my commitment not to drink ever again. The third step was remembering the reasons reasons why I made that commitment.

There was no specific checklist involved like the way a pilot goes through a formal checklist with his copilot during take off and landings. It was more like recognizing a temptation, thinking about the importance of my choice, and following through on my commitment.
DriGuy is online now  
Old 12-21-2019, 06:14 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by Ginniver View Post
Funny, but I think that was the response I've been half forming in my mind in preparation for holidays next week. Whatever works, right?

I can't imagine ever having the nerve to just boldly say, "I can't drink because it's killing me." I'm so accustomed to always having a secret or three working under the surface at all times. So keeping my not-drinking under wraps feels safe. I'm buying new running shoes tomorrow, so it's good cover lol.

Thanks for story and the inspiration to get out the door! And congrats on raising a sober child!
One of the best parts about getting sober is that we don't have to keep secrets. We can now just have info or details we choose to share or not - we aren't continuously, desperately trying to keep anything under wraps. It's an amazing gift.
August252015 is offline  
Old 12-21-2019, 08:19 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
Member
 
LilyLady1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 207
I've decided my response when I'm offered a drink will be that it's an important goal to lose the weight, I'm doing Atkins, and I can't drink and lose. I'm not ready to say to all and sundry that I can't drink because I have a destructive relationship with alcohol. But the extra 50 pounds I've been carrying around for quite a while provides an easy response.
LilyLady1 is offline  
Old 12-21-2019, 08:24 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by August252015 View Post
One of the best parts about getting sober is that we don't have to keep secrets. We can now just have info or details we choose to share or not - we aren't continuously, desperately trying to keep anything under wraps. It's an amazing gift.
That is a mindset that I’m really going to have to delve into. I can trace the secretive business back to my childhood. I had an emotionally, psychologically, and physically abusive upbringing and keeping stuff under wraps was self-protective. I left home, but the behavior stayed with me.

I don’t think my suddenly quitting is a coincidence. About a month ago I had an epiphany about myself and not ever wanting to inconvenience people. As a kid, I got the message that I was a burden (not just what was demonstrated but I was told this). I am an outgoing, charming, funny, caring, and sharp-tongued person who can stand up for myself. But I don’t like asking for help because I don’t like others to worry about me or force them to go out of their way.

Combined with my need to keep my insecurities to myself and it’s no wonder that I’ve been a closet drinker for so long. It’s not that I never drank with others or gotten drunk with them (I have, plenty). But I’ve never talked about my daily habit and need. It’s not just that it’s nobody’s business. Why would I want anyone else to worry about me?

Blech. I read the above and it feels lonelier than I realized.
Ginniver is offline  
Old 12-21-2019, 09:02 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
Member
 
biminiblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Blech. I read the above and it feels lonelier than I realized.
I don't think it sounds lonely, I think you sound like a strong survivor.

I don't put my stuff out there for people to dissect, either. I think it's a Human trait to be self-sufficient and adaptive.

With that said, there is no benefit to stuffing it down with drugs and alcohol. The emotions are normal and I believe we can all overcome pasts that are not perfect.

No one has a picket fence perfect past I know I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself because no one validated my emotions or feelings - but then I realized that is my job anyway!
biminiblue is offline  
Old 12-21-2019, 02:56 PM
  # 47 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 388
Like others have said, posting on SR is a recovery plan. I used it all the time in early sobriety.

I also attended 10 one on one counseling sessions. These were helpful but not critical to my sobriety.

I also highly recommend reading "This Naked Mind" by Annie Grace. It totally changed my thought process on how I viewed alcohol.

As time passes it gets much easier. I know it can be very different for everyone but it took me about 6 months before I was recovered from alcohol.
Rd2quit is offline  
Old 12-21-2019, 03:21 PM
  # 48 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 348
I had an emotionally, psychologically, and physically abusive upbringing and keeping stuff under wraps was self-protective. I left home, but the behavior stayed with me.
Yes, yes, and yes. The culture in my family was TELL NO ONE. The most important thing was the “Nothing to see here!” facade. Sibling was a raging lunatic of an addict, but we were the Cleavers. Exhausting, and very hard to shake even in my late 40’s.

But my drinking problem was a solitary endeavor, so I felt the solution was a solo gig too. I also know myself well enough to know that I am extremely introverted. The whole people thing really ramps up my anxiety. Even posting has been slow going. So those that know me IRL know I used to drink, and now I don’t. If I’m pressed, some vague answer about fitness and health (which is a partial truth) suffices.

Everyone is different. I guess I just wanted to share my experience that public sobriety is not required for successful sobriety.

BTW, I highly recommend running. Great coping stuff there.
-bora
boreas is offline  
Old 12-22-2019, 07:20 AM
  # 49 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Most of us in alcoholic homes (or other kinds of abusive ones) grow up hiding [ something, or many somethings]. I recall being so angry when I got in trouble for telling my best friend some of what was going on, yet my parents shared with my Godparents. i needed someone too!!!

We all develop ways of coping. It can be anything from being the one poor fam in a wealthier neighborhood so you don't have friends over out of shame, to the stuff we are talking about here.

One of my "solutions" to the craziness at home was to seek "perfection." And being a great chameleon and performer like many good alcoholics, many people saw just that kind of facade.

In recovery though, owning my truth proudly - and I share my story publicly in certain recovery arenas -has been essential to my ongoing peace and successful sobriety.

Coming to trust people to share with is important, so divulging why you are not drinking with something like being on a weight loss or exercise plan, or just changing the subject etc, are A ok in my book as we get started. finding people who get us (such as here or in AA) is huge and also a relief when we realize our secrets might not be that crazy or unusual after all.

Figuring all of this complex and layered stuff out is only possible as we go along sober.

I have found the far lonelier life was one of pretending and keeping secrets.
August252015 is offline  
Old 12-22-2019, 07:29 AM
  # 50 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 400
I also did most of my drinking in secret too.

​​​​​​I grew up with an alcoholic parent and in a family where problems were kept secret and we tried to pretend everything was fine.

Keeping secrets is so lonely and isolating.
Mary88 is offline  
Old 12-22-2019, 07:55 AM
  # 51 (permalink)  
voices ca**y
 
silentrun's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,350
Originally Posted by Ginniver View Post
I’ve thought often about quitting (for years and years), and have made half-hearted attempts that lasted for a couple of days, but last Saturday, I just stopped. Sunday was the same, and so on.


I knew I drank too much. I didn't get what was going on as I thought a person either was an alcoholic or wasn't. I didn't understand how this all works and that a person could enter the spectrum simply by abusing alcohol. There came a moment when it hit me. I became very afraid and stopped that day.

Today is day six and other than feeling headachy and just-weird (hot and cold, intermittent nausea), I think I could be mostly ok with this. I feel like I can keep going, but I’m worried that I don’t have any sort of plan in place. I’d always figured when I stopped, it would be gradual and plotted. I’m pretty sure if I told friends I didn’t feel like drinking, most would just shrug and accept it (a lot of my friends don’t drink, or rarely).
I didn't start with a formal plan. I still don't have a particular method I follow. My plan looked/looks more like this "whatever it takes to get free/stay free of that nightmare." I pull insights from other people who are in AA, Smart, therapy via this website. There were (and probably still are) people who actually work in the mental health field here and their input has been invaluable.

I’ve never told anyone about my nightly (or more) bottle of wine. I’ve been functioning at this level for a long time and it’s rarely interfered with getting to work. It has, however, wreaked havoc on personal decisions. And I hate the feeling of furtiveness and deception around it.
Yeah, I was like that too. I drank a pint of whisky every night and took great care not to let it interfere with my responsibilities so I wouldn't have to admit I had a problem. People with an alcohol problem should stop drinking and that couldn't happen. I had to keep drinking (or so I thought). I tried to tell people I was an alcohol and everyone just said: "No you're not". They couldn't see inside me and the damage it has caused. I was near suicide.

I have no intention of going to AA. I can’t imagine going into a rehab program. I am marginally open to talking it out with a therapist. But mostly, I’d like to just keep on the path now that I’m on it.

Which is why I’m nervous about not having a plan. What should that look like?
It didn't even occur to me to go to rehab or anything like that right away. About 2 months in my head cleared a bit and I realized that this was the kind of thing a person needs support for. I wrote a note, signed and dated it and gave it to my husband. It said "I am an alcoholic. If I ever drink again please commit me to rehab. There is no safe amount for me to drink so if I am it's got me and I need help." I made a promise to myself that if I couldn't do it without rehab I would seek outside help but I didn't trust myself as addiction lies its ass off and makes the person addicted to it's lying.
silentrun is offline  
Old 12-22-2019, 08:15 AM
  # 52 (permalink)  
voices ca**y
 
silentrun's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,350
Originally Posted by Mary88 View Post
I also did most of my drinking in secret too.

​​​​​​I grew up with an alcoholic parent and in a family where problems were kept secret and we tried to pretend everything was fine.

Keeping secrets is so lonely and isolating.
That was my upbringing too. My job was to not only keep the secret but to make it look like everything at home was fantastic. I've never tied that to my drinking before but that makes sense. I drank alcoholically, was probably clinically depressed but my outward mask was everything was going great,

Thanks.
silentrun is offline  
Old 12-22-2019, 09:53 AM
  # 53 (permalink)  
Member
 
Fearlessat50's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,946
Hi ginniver,

I have in the past started without a plan. But in order for me to achieve long term sobriety (longer than 9 months; I’m now close to 3 years), I did need a sober plan aside from just keeping busy. I was a high functioning alcoholic and somehow managed training and running a full marathon during heavy drinking years. I continued being successful at a stressful job and I was dealing with a special needs child. I kept justifying that my problem was not that bad because I was so functional. But the problem was progressively getting worse to the point I was making lots of mistakes and starting to experience health consequences.

My plan after my final relapse was to go to regular therapy with a therapist trained in addiction and recovery (he himself had 30 years sober), start yoga and meditation, read a lot of books on recovery and completely change my life and way of handling stress and hardship.

Everyone’s path is different. But I do believe some type of plan and purpose is essential.
Fearlessat50 is offline  
Old 12-23-2019, 01:44 AM
  # 54 (permalink)  
Member
 
sortofhomecomin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 772
I think you are better off having a plan. Think about what will you do during the hours you used to spend drinking, even though in your case it might only have been, say two or three hours in every 24, that's still a high % of your waking hours.
sortofhomecomin is offline  
Old 12-23-2019, 03:42 AM
  # 55 (permalink)  
Member
 
DriGuy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,112
In thinking about my most creative undertakings, what I recall is that all of them started with an interest, a desire, a need to do something that would be useful. Well into the beginning of these projects, the limit of my "plan" was just a desire to be successful at whatever I was taking on. How could I make a plan if I didn't know what I would be facing? As I became more engaged with the project, I would be solving problems like how to do something, how to find something, be it a thing or information.

As the project unfolded further, I would be synthesizing what I had learned and organizing. In retrospect, it would seem like a plan, because I could explain the process and identify steps, some of which had to be executed in order, but at the beginning, I would have to admit that I had no idea how to put it together. It became a learning process.

This is pretty much the way I solved my problem with alcohol. There was much learning, actually more than planning. I have found this process of problem solving (progressing forward) to be not only effective, but immensely satisfying.

Somethings I do better with a designed plan already in place. How do you bake salmon? I looked this up on the internet, and followed the directions. It's more practical than experimenting, but I get much less out of it, but for simple things, it's all I need.

Recovery is complicated. I think some can do it cookbook style, but I don't find it as meaningful. For example, I can say, "I commit to never picking up a drink." That's one vital part of the process. It's a predetermined step. You can read this tip in other sources. You know what some of the words mean. You can say them to yourself, but what is really a determining part of success is fully understanding commitment at a deeper level. You need to know what commitment feels like. There is something intuitive about it. And if you can't feel it, it's just a word.

How does it feel to commit? How does it feel to be honest with yourself? You're probably going to be somewhat at a loss over what to do when you bump up against an obstacle if these sorts of things aren't internalized.

For me, recovery, like marketing a computer program, was more about learning. How do you you master this thing and make it work? But unlike marketing a computer program, you can't pay an expert to do it for you. You have to become the expert yourself, and fully understand why each thing in your eventual plan is important and why it needs to be done.
DriGuy is online now  
Old 12-23-2019, 03:58 PM
  # 56 (permalink)  
Member
 
SoberCAH's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
Originally Posted by Ginniver View Post
Thanks MoS—

I’ve been part of other forums that helped me work thru some things, so I’m hoping the same will happen here. And I guess I won’t sweat on not having a plan, except to stick with it.
I think you are very wise to consider trying to follow a plan (or program) of recovery.

And I don't think that simply deciding to quit constitutes a plan.

I know others on here can direct you to posts about the various plans and programs of recovery which exist for people like ourselves.

Please stick around and keep us apprised as to your progress.
SoberCAH is offline  
Old 12-24-2019, 07:12 AM
  # 57 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 111
I didn't have so much a plan as a set of rules:

1) Avoid the bad influences that caused us to stumble. This might be old drinking buddies, stressors (till you feel prepared to deal with them), or bad situations. It sounds selfish, but put your sobriety first, I think.

2) Take care of ourselves, eating good food and drinking a lot of water.

3) No drinking, it doesn't matter how bored, angry, frustrated, scared, etc. you are. You can deal with and process those feelings. They come and go. We are a lot stronger than we sometimes feel we are.

It sounds like you've got some things planned that you can work towards and look forward to. That's big! Really, it is. Keep planning and moving towards those goals. There are good comments above, best of luck with continued sobriety.

P
Cellardweller is offline  
Old 12-24-2019, 09:00 AM
  # 58 (permalink)  
Member
 
sortofhomecomin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 772
Here is my plan fwiw:

https://imgur.com/a/hX9WTf2
sortofhomecomin is offline  
Old 12-24-2019, 02:24 PM
  # 59 (permalink)  
Member
 
DriGuy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,112
Originally Posted by Cellardweller View Post
I didn't have so much a plan as a set of rules:
I think a set of good rules are a plan. Your three rules are top drawer and would stand alone for many. I'll bet if you thought about it some more you would find you actually have more rules. That's just a friendly bet. I'm not saying you have more. I'm not sure how many rules I have made for myself in designing my own plan. That was a long time ago, but I remember there being a lot of "can't do this, must do that." I don't think about them much anymore. I have no desire to drink. Sure, I still live by rules, but they mostly revolve around good emotional health. I only have one drinking rule at this time: "Don't drink," but I don't want to drink, so it's about like reminding myself to breath.
DriGuy is online now  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:40 AM.