DreamCatcher17

I am falling into old patterns and cycles.
Not drinking
Not wanting to drink
No desire to drink

My mind, my thoughts and my actions are going backward.

Is this a dry drunk?
Is it the holidays?
Is it just me?

I am quick to anger, blame, resentments, nit-picking, annoyed easily, not wanting to "in the moment" view my wrongdoings but focus others.
I am less accepting
Judging myself and others and not nicely

UGGGGG

I hate this about me so much.

I no longer have a therapist, can't get to one for many valid reasons.

I am back to reading books to help guide me out of this place, need to put the action in, retrain my brain and live in action.

I reached out to get a sponsor in AA, which I have never done. But what can it hurt?

I feel myself slipping into a depressed state or a state of giving up. (no not drinking, that would be stupid, I would not do that)
Fight or Flight has its gripes on me and I am allowing that BS UGGGGGGGGGGGG

I have to be right about everything.

The insides of my home having to be perfect to portray WHAT I am not. Knowing damn well PERFECT doesn't exist.

Being so uptight, proud, and in an EGO state of being is mentally exhausting.

I forgot how to be, how to be in love and not think the absolute worst, how I am sabotaging my relationship like I have done so many other times. I stopped practicing and putting love into action. and turned my focus to Fight or FLight, stopped speaking up, stop talking about feelings and blaa blaa.

What a depressing post.
Feels good to get it out and acknowledge where I am at.
Now to focus on moving forward, living in the present not in the past.

Have a great day.

faith823

Hello,

Congrats on your sobriety. I am coming back around 52 days Sober.
I have been going to AA for years. I know people with much long term sobriety, with so much grace and gratefulness. When I hear their shares I hear what you are expressing quite often. I hit a low point in sobriety. (whatever the low point may be just feelings, attitudes) or I fell off the beam at five years sober.
Then they explained with self searching like you are exactly are able to do they got through it. I think it is all part of the journey. You are a true miracle that you can stop, recognize and connect to your feelings, attitudes ..etc. This will definitely pass and you will be able to help someone else get through these
spiritual plateaus.
I need to get myself a sponsor. Thank you for motivating me!

doggonecarl

It's good that you see what a dangerous mindset you are in.

For many of us, that recognition alone is enough to lead us out. Others need to be guided out.

If you are the latter, I hope you find the help you need.

PalmerSage

I'm right there with you, I'm finding that I have to be right about everything and I'm super uptight lately too - I feel like I give the best of myself to work and outward appearances, that with my family, I'm an uptight jerk with no sense of humor!

Good for you for recognizing it, and thank you for posting so I can commisserate!

2ndhandrose

DreamCatcher, as has been pointed out, good for you for recognizing this!

I will have 5 years on Jan 1 but I still have to stay vigilant against the very things you posted about. For me, being able to recognize and admit to this thought pattern is half the battle.

Just this morning I have had a little "tough love" talk to myself to break the ruminating on things that haven't even happened!

And prayer helps me, too

Thinking about you today

MLD51

This resonates with me. Thank you for posting. I didn't even really realize what's been going on with me until I read this. I need to get back to a place of gratitude and acceptance. I have been feeling, well, not nice lately. Quickly and easily annoyed, wanting to be alone, not wanting to deal with people. And judging myself and others fairly harshly. I didn't work so hard in sobriety to feel this way. Time to make adjustments.

Anna

I don't see it as a depressing post, DreamCatcher. You are doing a great job by realizing that your thinking is slipping into old patterns. That's a very positive thing. Be kind to yourself.

nez

Being right is far overrated. If my right is so right, why then does it produce feelings of wrong somewhere in my psyche. Perhaps there are flaws in my version of right. Maybe I should drop right from the process and instead work on just being.

Right and wrong are merely value judgements. They are not real. They have no intrinsic value. Value judgements can be used as directional tools but they are not the promised land and end destination.

I find that the earlier I jettison any value judgements from my cargo, the sooner I sail into the seas of serenity and find a harbor of peace in which to drop anchor. :~)

DreamCatcher17

Thank you

Welcome back

DreamCatcher17

Ugg, I hate that I am not alone in this but I also then dont feel so alone as if I am the only one going through this crud.

We got this

DreamCatcher17

Thank you!
I hope you chat with yourself helps!!!!
I shall pray for you!

DreamCatcher17

I feel like life is always an adjustment, for a while I would just like smooth sailing, is that too much to ask for LOL!!!!!!!

snitch

Hey!!!!

Omg, I can totally identify with your post. What's the saying in AA? I came for my DRINKING but I stayed for my THINKING!! Lol.

I think doing the steps is a great idea. What have you got to lose??? The steps are changing me as a person. I am prone to negative thinking, destructive thoughts, resentments, guilt, pride and ego! I can stop drinking but then I am still the same person...i just don't drink! I need to work my programme on a daily basis because if I don't then the old thinking seeps back in and who knows where that may take me eventually.

You are such an inspiration to me and I love that you have shared how you feel here. I too suffer from that perfectionism. I am learning to let go of it with the help of my recovery programme.

I have a new sponsor who has 17 years of sobriety, is kind, patient, happy and has peace of mind and serenity! That is exactly what I want because my head works against me. Find someone who has what you want and let them guide you through the steps. You have nothing to lose and everyrjing to gain. Don't forget to keep us updated!!

🙏❤🙏❤

Surrendered19

It is NOT a depressing post. It is an amazing post and posts like it really help us newcomers more than you know. Just processing all of that like you do is a tool so many of us don't have and need to have.

DreamCatcher17

Oh Snitch!!!! HUGS!!!!!!
I am so so so proud of you !!!!!!

Dee74

Hi DC

I think this time of year is hard on everyone, alcoholic or not. I didn't find your post depressing, just honest. That self awareness will serve you well I think

D