Gabe1980

Thank you, I really do appreciate that. I am just digging deep and trying to take an honest look at what I have tried, what I have been doing and what I need to do.

I am going to try all the suggestions above and use my time off to give me a really solid foundation in the new year. People DO this. There must be a way forward for me that I can maintain past 3 months.

I appreciate your faith in me 💞

DriGuy

10 weeks is a long time and it's hard to stick with commitments that long unless there is some benefit that comes from the effort. For me at 10 weeks, there wasn't much effort, because the benefits were obvious:

1. I felt like I was just scratching the surface of this new way of life. That turned out to be true, because I still feel like I'm scratching the surface today as I still gain new perspectives about myself that make life better.

2. I was still as disgusted with my drinking, as much as I was when I was drinking.

3. Even stronger that my commitment was my joy in being free.

I'm not sure what your benefits are. They may be different from mine. Was I sick of drinking more than you are? I can't know that. But I know I didn't want to return to that abhorrent life. The need to avoid that life didn't create a need for greater commitment, which I had to cultivate a few weeks earlier. By that time, the commitment was just there. It's like I couldn't lose it unless I went out of my way to try and lose it.

So now I've got myself wondering why I always seem to make a fuss about commitment to others. I certainly felt that going in, and I think it was important, but not anymore. Being sober and not wanting to ever get drunk again is just who I am. I don't practice cultivating commitment now. In a way, it feels like I don't need it. I no longer warn myself not to pick up a drink. I just know it's not going to happen, because before I would do that, I would have to make the choice to drink. I have no idea why I would make such a pointless choice today.

It's frustrating talking about this, because I know it cannot be enough to offer you. I'm talking about me as honest as I can, but I can never relate to your doubts, fears, obsessions, and needs as you perceive them. It would be great if I could get inside you, and experience everything the way you experience it. Then we could walk around inside your head, and maybe I could just find that thing you aren't seeing correctly, and I could say, "Hey look over here. This bit is just wrong. Let's just sweep this out and put this other thing there," and then you would be happy.

But the point is, you CAN do this part on your own, and maybe all the soul searching isn't that important. You can simply change your behavior by taking drinking off the table. No matter how much you fear, need, or justify drinking, just take it off the table. Hmmm, I guess that's called commitment, and maybe I've come back to the beginning. I know it is true in my case that when I change my behavior without regard for my needs, my head eventually comes around. Hang in there.

Mango212

Sponsors typically pass on the program to sponsees the way they've been through it. It's what they've experienced, know and are able to share.

I hear you on the others you've asked turning you down. Perhaps keep trying. Right sponsors in good timing can make a world of difference.

Gabe1980

Thanks DriGuy. I understand what you are saying but I mainly felt jealous reading what you wrote (sorry!) I just wish I was experiencing thing the way you describe but I don't. My major problem is maintainance and I need to figure that out - what exactly happen to me and how I can stop it. 💕

Thank you so much for what you have written though, it's give me a lot to think about and I'm inpired to start writing some of that down.

Gabe1980

Thank you! I am going to keep trying. I can't stop as I can't settle for where I am now. It is too bloody painful. There has to be a good way to move forward 💕

DriGuy

I don't mind you being jealous, but that's not exactly what I was shooting for. When I first got to AA, I was inspired by a few people who expressed what I interpreted as honest joy. Not all of these were expressing it with my level of intoxicated exuberance, and that's not always the way I feel it either. I just tend to express it in that somewhat exaggerated fashion. Often it is just a quiet and much less emotional "getting on with life" kind of contentment. The point is there are many manifestations of joy, and it's up to us to notice them. We don't have to notice them all at the same time in one particular way.

I believe, possibly incorrectly, that the experiences of joy as well as a riot of other emotions, reside in all of us. They are there waiting to be discovered.

I understand that. I experienced it myself, and I've said in other threads that I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I drank so much, thinking that would lead to stopping. This was part of the processing I was going through before I quit. I even spent time discussing it with counselors. But it turned out that it was a blind alley, and while fascinating to some degree, it was a waste of time.

The answer to your problem is so simple that it sounds like callous disregard for your feelings. I can tell you with a high degree of confidence why you feel out of control: "You are an alcoholic addicted to a chemical substance." How and why you got there may be interesting, but it's not helpful. I realized that when I got better.

There are two main ways we solve personal problems:

1. We think them through and understand them first, and change our behavior, either consciously or naturally. It's called the humanistic approach.

2. We change our behavior first, and come to understand ourselves better later. This is called behavior modification.

Both work, but psychologists from the humanistic and behaviorist camps have been bickering over their methodology for years.

For me (2) above was the one that worked in the specific case of my alcoholism. I needed to focus more on my behavior, not my thoughts.

Right now you are working on maintenance by trying to figure out what happened to you at this point in recovery. I would suggest you focus on the action of maintenance, not the why or the how of it.

How did you get to where you are since you fist quit? You changed your behavior, right? Now it sounds like it's starting to feel stale, and I think you need to double down, and just keep doing what you did to get here. I didn't experience the stale, because I was consumed with pride in myself and feeling downright grateful to be quit. This is why people in this forum go on and on about practicing gratitude. You should go out of your way to practice gratitude until it becomes a habit, and you will lose that staleness. Practice gratitude instead of beating yourself up with guilt and that other emotional clutter you worry about. Like joy, gratitude is in us waiting to be discovered. You can do that.

snitch

Gabe, some other things I would recommend that have really helped me.

You tube: type in AA speakers. There are lots of talks on there. You can also be more specific... AA speakers step one, two etc. It gave me a better understanding of the steps. Another one I love is AA speaker Emotional Sobriety. Also resentments.

Apps. Joe and charlie Big book study. Download from play or apple store. They take you through the big book and the steps. This is was helpful to me.

Joe and Charlie also do step studies on You Tube.

Books: lots of AA literature... obviously the Big Book. Others I have are Daily reflections, As Bill sees it and living Sober.

I also ordered from Amazon.. AA Back to Basics. Brilliant book and shows how AA members would take the newcomers through the steps in 4 hour sessions.

I am not suggesting all of these INSTEAD of a sponsor. Keep looking and asking. Don't give up. Don't second guess yourself about whether you should have gone with the lady who told you to do 6 meetings a week. In my own experience that is an unreasonable request and no where does it say in the Big Book that one has to do so many meetings a week. There is no way I would be able to make that commitment . I have never attended 6 meetings a week and I have 20 months sober now.

The above I have mentioned are tools that can assist you along with a sponsor but also whilst you are in the process of finding the right sponsor.

feel free to message me if you are ever struggling.

❤🙏❤🙏

Gabe1980

Sorry it's taken me a little while to get back to you but I have really been thinking about what you have said....

I also needed to shake off the 'it's not fair' childish attitude that was steering everything at the moment. That took a bit of work in itself but I got there!

I think you are completely right......it does not matter why I am here or what happened to bring me here. I relapsed last weekend and didn't take full responsibility for myself. I went down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out what made me different or what magical thing happens in my 3rd month that brings me back to drinking....It's all B***S***

What happened was that I knew I was in danger and I didn't take action. I actually didn't sustain the action I had been taking to keep me safe. I didn't work my program properly and then I drank. That's it. That's all. I got lucky that I can try again.

There are a million reasons that I became an alcoholic in the first place and dwelling on them, feeling sorry for myself and not acknowledging the gifts in my life I have to be grateful for is going to keep me here - miserable and vulnerable to relapse.

So......in thinking about action and getting out of my own head, I decided to start antabuse again for the holidays and to get me back on a firm footing with a decent recovery program. I am off for 2 weeks, which is such a gift. It gives me time to prepare and to do some of the recovery work I had been planning to. Starting the new year with a rountine to keep me moving forward.

I also just decided to get up, get dressed, spend time with people and go to meetings. The less time I spend on my own , the less time I have to dwell o n all this crap.

Thank you!! Your post really helped me and I appreciate it xx

Gabe1980

Hi Snitch. Thank you so much for all the recommendations. I have had some great suggestions for folks and I have two weeks off to properly look around and try things out. I also found a counsellor with a background in recovery, who I am going to book some sessions with. I feel like I have got the focus back to keep pushing forward and that feels so much better than where I was a few days ago.

It's been a couple of years now I have been in this relapse period. It's grim and painful. It's also been unnecessary, but if I am grateful for anything then it is that I have learned what I need to know to not go there again. I have had enough of this pain.