Trying to heal...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2
Trying to heal...
Hi Everyone,
This is something new to me, to be on this site, so I will be just honest, simple, and I let flow my thoughts and concerns here, hoping for some valuable advices.
I am 43 years old women, immigrant, who came to this great country 17 years ago. Single mom, divorced from alcoholic husband 4 years ago. I am still healing from my abusive relationship. I did made a big progress in healing, however on the way to healing I encounter on deeper issues related to my childhood. I believed, that I was Ok by gathering my courage and escaping from my abusive relationship. I thought that it will be enough to cut toxicity, yet I found out that my whole being is shattered and its core is going through a complete remodeling. Its so hard and painful. I m trying to find myself, my values and boundaries. All this process appeared to reach my young childhood.
It all started from a family that I was born to. My father has been an alcoholic since as I remember. Not aggressive one but always drank, dirty, loud, covered in his own pee.... I was always ashamed of him. My mother workaholic, attached to material gains, strong and aggressive, never around. She was always very down to Earth, controlling, bossy yet allowed all these years to be attached to her husband, my father.... Back then I thought that it suppose to be this way and that was my reality of accepting it. I did not have a choice... I was scarred f my mother and ashamed of my father. I had no emotional support that I needed so much from my parents. I was bullied left and right because I was born with defection to my eyes. My mom was fighting for my physical health and she did a good job with it. I am grateful for that. She educated me, created me as a strong women, beautiful, aware of cultural differences due to my frequent travels. Yet, I was missing emotional support that is like a tail following me till now. I was left with it since my young age. I figured out that I had to find a way of coping with my problems, low self esteem, and confusion. I have escaped into my self help books and psychology. I have been reading these since I was 17 which means 26 years of studying human psyche.... How ironic it was that I chose my husband to be as much as my father and even 100 times worst. I feel stupid and angry at all of this years that I wasted. The only positive outcome of my 14 years marriage is my wonderful daughter that I put so much time and attention to. I want for her the best. My mistakes are stepping stones for better and wiser choices of hers, I hope. I broke a vicious circle of an alcoholic disease that surrounded me since I was born. It required a complete rewiring of my brain. The worst was a fear! Fear of being hurt as a vindictiveness from my ex husband, fear of unknown. Being completely alone here as an immigrant without my family, without a job ( that I lost due to economical crisis in 2008) with a 2 year old kid was terrifying. I had nowhere to go, no income... My ex husband was emotionally, physically abusive. He threaten me with a weapon few times, yet never pull a trigger, never sliced my throat with a stuck knife to it for few minutes. He never left a bruise on me because he knew it would be a mark and a proof. I don't know what is worst a bruise or a fear implanted deeply in my subconscious. He done it while severely intoxicated with alcohol and who knows what else. I was always kind and nice to him. I loved him very much. I was scarred and I was walking like on the eggshells around him. However, I was not afraid to express my unhappiness about his actions. I was so trapped... So I planned. I had to find a job which I did. I worked very hard, I saved my money, I got my health insurance, benefits, hours of working suitable to my kid's school hours. I was journaling every possible crazy incident. I recorded few rages of his. It gave me a strength and proofs of his insanity. I filed few police reports It took me 6 years to finally detach myself from him. It was difficult because I was afraid of his vindictiveness. Finally state sued him for a domestic violence. It was the biggest fear to me because I thought he is gonna kill me, my kid and himself at the end ( that's what he was telling me that he is not surprised why some man kill his family). I asked prosecutor to send him for recovery instead of punishing him which would probably cause my death. It worked. He changed. He is better man now, very good father. Of course, I divorced him and we are no longer a couple. I will never come back to him because damage is done. I don't trust him anymore even if he is trying hard. It took me a long time to escape from him because when he was sober, he was the most nice and attentive husband and father. Alcohol is altering his chemicals in his brain in a 360 degrees. From being loving to being a monster, psychopathic individual. It has being 4 years since I cut the ********. I am very proud of myself and I am very compassionate towards people who have to go through it, especially mothers with kids. I also learnt on the base of my father's alcoholism and my ex's that addiction is a such powerful force and generational disease . That it influences the family the worst, not an addict. There is no way to win it unless and addict is willing to change for real. But even if he/she will, it will be a constant fight of internal forces till the rest of an addict life.
My issue now is to forgive my ex, to forgive my father, and to forgive my mother for not saving her family from alcoholism of my father. I just don't understand how such a strong women like my mom who claimed she was, allowed for distorted reality to be a part of her and mine life. The reality that was hunting me till up to 4 years ago. My mother is retired now, still married and living together with my father. Still is putting up and fighting my fathers alcoholism. She is cleaning up after his urine, she is giving him money for alcohol for a moment of peace. I cant help her from being here and they are there, across the world. I feel bad for her, I m very stressed and I have to manage all her life on phone because she developed dementia due to the stress related to her husband's addiction. I feel angry that I have to clean up her mess created by her obliviousness and lack of a right decision. She was covering her ears during a night while my father was yelling and screaming. I could not sleep and had to go to school next morning. I was crying into my pillow yet had no where to go. I feel guilty that I am angry at her. I whish to learn how to overcome my anger. Its blocking me form moving on... Maybe you have some suggestions. Thank you for taking time to read my story.
PS. Please excuse my grammar.
Love,
Hopeandlovefor
This is something new to me, to be on this site, so I will be just honest, simple, and I let flow my thoughts and concerns here, hoping for some valuable advices.
I am 43 years old women, immigrant, who came to this great country 17 years ago. Single mom, divorced from alcoholic husband 4 years ago. I am still healing from my abusive relationship. I did made a big progress in healing, however on the way to healing I encounter on deeper issues related to my childhood. I believed, that I was Ok by gathering my courage and escaping from my abusive relationship. I thought that it will be enough to cut toxicity, yet I found out that my whole being is shattered and its core is going through a complete remodeling. Its so hard and painful. I m trying to find myself, my values and boundaries. All this process appeared to reach my young childhood.
It all started from a family that I was born to. My father has been an alcoholic since as I remember. Not aggressive one but always drank, dirty, loud, covered in his own pee.... I was always ashamed of him. My mother workaholic, attached to material gains, strong and aggressive, never around. She was always very down to Earth, controlling, bossy yet allowed all these years to be attached to her husband, my father.... Back then I thought that it suppose to be this way and that was my reality of accepting it. I did not have a choice... I was scarred f my mother and ashamed of my father. I had no emotional support that I needed so much from my parents. I was bullied left and right because I was born with defection to my eyes. My mom was fighting for my physical health and she did a good job with it. I am grateful for that. She educated me, created me as a strong women, beautiful, aware of cultural differences due to my frequent travels. Yet, I was missing emotional support that is like a tail following me till now. I was left with it since my young age. I figured out that I had to find a way of coping with my problems, low self esteem, and confusion. I have escaped into my self help books and psychology. I have been reading these since I was 17 which means 26 years of studying human psyche.... How ironic it was that I chose my husband to be as much as my father and even 100 times worst. I feel stupid and angry at all of this years that I wasted. The only positive outcome of my 14 years marriage is my wonderful daughter that I put so much time and attention to. I want for her the best. My mistakes are stepping stones for better and wiser choices of hers, I hope. I broke a vicious circle of an alcoholic disease that surrounded me since I was born. It required a complete rewiring of my brain. The worst was a fear! Fear of being hurt as a vindictiveness from my ex husband, fear of unknown. Being completely alone here as an immigrant without my family, without a job ( that I lost due to economical crisis in 2008) with a 2 year old kid was terrifying. I had nowhere to go, no income... My ex husband was emotionally, physically abusive. He threaten me with a weapon few times, yet never pull a trigger, never sliced my throat with a stuck knife to it for few minutes. He never left a bruise on me because he knew it would be a mark and a proof. I don't know what is worst a bruise or a fear implanted deeply in my subconscious. He done it while severely intoxicated with alcohol and who knows what else. I was always kind and nice to him. I loved him very much. I was scarred and I was walking like on the eggshells around him. However, I was not afraid to express my unhappiness about his actions. I was so trapped... So I planned. I had to find a job which I did. I worked very hard, I saved my money, I got my health insurance, benefits, hours of working suitable to my kid's school hours. I was journaling every possible crazy incident. I recorded few rages of his. It gave me a strength and proofs of his insanity. I filed few police reports It took me 6 years to finally detach myself from him. It was difficult because I was afraid of his vindictiveness. Finally state sued him for a domestic violence. It was the biggest fear to me because I thought he is gonna kill me, my kid and himself at the end ( that's what he was telling me that he is not surprised why some man kill his family). I asked prosecutor to send him for recovery instead of punishing him which would probably cause my death. It worked. He changed. He is better man now, very good father. Of course, I divorced him and we are no longer a couple. I will never come back to him because damage is done. I don't trust him anymore even if he is trying hard. It took me a long time to escape from him because when he was sober, he was the most nice and attentive husband and father. Alcohol is altering his chemicals in his brain in a 360 degrees. From being loving to being a monster, psychopathic individual. It has being 4 years since I cut the ********. I am very proud of myself and I am very compassionate towards people who have to go through it, especially mothers with kids. I also learnt on the base of my father's alcoholism and my ex's that addiction is a such powerful force and generational disease . That it influences the family the worst, not an addict. There is no way to win it unless and addict is willing to change for real. But even if he/she will, it will be a constant fight of internal forces till the rest of an addict life.
My issue now is to forgive my ex, to forgive my father, and to forgive my mother for not saving her family from alcoholism of my father. I just don't understand how such a strong women like my mom who claimed she was, allowed for distorted reality to be a part of her and mine life. The reality that was hunting me till up to 4 years ago. My mother is retired now, still married and living together with my father. Still is putting up and fighting my fathers alcoholism. She is cleaning up after his urine, she is giving him money for alcohol for a moment of peace. I cant help her from being here and they are there, across the world. I feel bad for her, I m very stressed and I have to manage all her life on phone because she developed dementia due to the stress related to her husband's addiction. I feel angry that I have to clean up her mess created by her obliviousness and lack of a right decision. She was covering her ears during a night while my father was yelling and screaming. I could not sleep and had to go to school next morning. I was crying into my pillow yet had no where to go. I feel guilty that I am angry at her. I whish to learn how to overcome my anger. Its blocking me form moving on... Maybe you have some suggestions. Thank you for taking time to read my story.
PS. Please excuse my grammar.
Love,
Hopeandlovefor
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi and welcome loveandhopefor 
I'm really glad you found us - tho I'm really sorry for what brings you here.
Have you read or heard of The Shack, by W Paul Young?
Its a Christian novel but not in an exclusionary way - I believe anyone can gain from reading it.
I'm not the author or the publisher lol - I recommend this book a lot, but I do so because it really changed my view on forgiveness.
I always thought forgiveness was for the other persons benefit - but it's not primarily - it's about letting go of old pain so we can heal.
Sometimes through that healing reconciliation may occur - but it depends on the relationship and the size of the wounds I think.
I found healing though this site- Sober Recovery (SR) - and the amazing people in it.
I learned how to loved - and how to be loved - and that made a major difference for me...but to truly move on, I had to let go of other people's throats.
SR helped me change my life, along with great books like The Shack
I hope the support you'll find here helps you change your life for the better too.
D
I'm really glad you found us - tho I'm really sorry for what brings you here.
Have you read or heard of The Shack, by W Paul Young?
Its a Christian novel but not in an exclusionary way - I believe anyone can gain from reading it.
I'm not the author or the publisher lol - I recommend this book a lot, but I do so because it really changed my view on forgiveness.
“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive.
― William P. Young, The Shack
― William P. Young, The Shack
Sometimes through that healing reconciliation may occur - but it depends on the relationship and the size of the wounds I think.
I found healing though this site- Sober Recovery (SR) - and the amazing people in it.
“I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside.”
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack
“...if anything matters then everything matters. Because you are important, everything you do is important. Every time you forgive, the universe changes; every time you reach out and touch a heart or a life, the world changes; with every kindness and service, seen or unseen, my purposes are accomplished and nothing will be the same again.”
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack
I hope the support you'll find here helps you change your life for the better too.
D
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
