My Story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1
My Story
I've followed the sober recovery forums for some time now, but this is my first post.
I've struggled with my drinking for over 25 years. I've quit many times, up to a year, but always return to drinking.
I started therapy about 2 months ago with a therapist that specializes in addiction. One of the things that he had me focus on was looking back and trying to identify a common trigger or scenario that preceded my return to drinking.
After much self reflection and hard work, I came to the realization that the trigger was the feeling of disconnect with my wife.
We have been married over 27 years and she has always been the focus of my life. However, she has struggled with "finding herself" over the years. She has gone through countless "self help" programs, attended counseling, embarked on many business ventures, etc. I've always tried to be as supportive as I know how. And she has always said she appreciated me and my support.
However, over the course of the years, there has been a pattern of her pulling away from me emotionally, then I retreat into drinking. Three times over the years, she has identified that she loves me, but doesn't want to be married. Each time we attend couple's therapy and each time, she ultimately did determine that she wanted to be with me and for a while, everything would be amazing.
But then, after 6-12 months, she would pull away again, and I would start drinking again.
So that's my trigger, I own it.
She started pulling away again about 6 months ago, and true to pattern, I dove back into the bottle. Thus my seeking counseling.
Well, 3 weeks ago, she dropped a bombshell. She has been attending therapy to deal with her own issues. During this therapy, she was finally able to admit to herself that she is gay. She says she does love me, but she has learned she prefers women.
Needless to say, this was devastating to me. We are still in the early stages of this journey, but we have identified that ultimately we are going to separate. I am angry with the situation, but not angry with her. She didn't cheat, she didn't lie, she honestly didn't know.
So now I'm drinking more than ever, but fully know I need to get it together. I can't let someone else's affection (or lack thereof) dictate how I treat myself. Cognitively, I know that. However, at this moment, right now, drinking seems to be the only way I can get through the evenings. I just want to be numb.
I know that's not doing me any good and recognize it as completely self destructive behavior, but that's my current reality.
I'm posting this here, because I really have no one else to share this with. I have focused on being a husband, being a father, and my career. I have no social support network. I needed to tell someone.
I apologize for the rambling post, but just typing all of this out has been helpful.
I will get through this. I have to believe that.
I will stop my cycle of self destructive behavior. I have to believe that.
I've struggled with my drinking for over 25 years. I've quit many times, up to a year, but always return to drinking.
I started therapy about 2 months ago with a therapist that specializes in addiction. One of the things that he had me focus on was looking back and trying to identify a common trigger or scenario that preceded my return to drinking.
After much self reflection and hard work, I came to the realization that the trigger was the feeling of disconnect with my wife.
We have been married over 27 years and she has always been the focus of my life. However, she has struggled with "finding herself" over the years. She has gone through countless "self help" programs, attended counseling, embarked on many business ventures, etc. I've always tried to be as supportive as I know how. And she has always said she appreciated me and my support.
However, over the course of the years, there has been a pattern of her pulling away from me emotionally, then I retreat into drinking. Three times over the years, she has identified that she loves me, but doesn't want to be married. Each time we attend couple's therapy and each time, she ultimately did determine that she wanted to be with me and for a while, everything would be amazing.
But then, after 6-12 months, she would pull away again, and I would start drinking again.
So that's my trigger, I own it.
She started pulling away again about 6 months ago, and true to pattern, I dove back into the bottle. Thus my seeking counseling.
Well, 3 weeks ago, she dropped a bombshell. She has been attending therapy to deal with her own issues. During this therapy, she was finally able to admit to herself that she is gay. She says she does love me, but she has learned she prefers women.
Needless to say, this was devastating to me. We are still in the early stages of this journey, but we have identified that ultimately we are going to separate. I am angry with the situation, but not angry with her. She didn't cheat, she didn't lie, she honestly didn't know.
So now I'm drinking more than ever, but fully know I need to get it together. I can't let someone else's affection (or lack thereof) dictate how I treat myself. Cognitively, I know that. However, at this moment, right now, drinking seems to be the only way I can get through the evenings. I just want to be numb.
I know that's not doing me any good and recognize it as completely self destructive behavior, but that's my current reality.
I'm posting this here, because I really have no one else to share this with. I have focused on being a husband, being a father, and my career. I have no social support network. I needed to tell someone.
I apologize for the rambling post, but just typing all of this out has been helpful.
I will get through this. I have to believe that.
I will stop my cycle of self destructive behavior. I have to believe that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
That is all tough Bob. Can you get a few sober days strung together and take stock after that? Maybe dump your supply and even ask your spouse for some help and support? You two can perhaps form a bond of friendship that will last the rest of your lives. Help each other become what each of you deserve to be - happy and comfortable in your own skin. She deserves the opportunity to live honestly and you deserve to be sober, happy and healthy. You both could use the enormity of what is happening as an opportunity to emerge together from the wreckage, two new people who already know everything about each other. Both healthy and on their right paths. Get sober man. That is first. Don't drink anything else. Let's get you to 2020 and a new decade with 18 days sober under your belt and get ready to move on.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,614
Wow . that is definitely one big pill to swallow. That said. Lets get you fixed brother. Of coarse thats gonna take action on your part. First you got to try to lay off the sauce. Seems like you could be in danger territory as far as withdrawal is concerned. Can you seek treatment? If not can you ask someone to kind of keep an eye on ya? You need to get your mind right brother. Stick around here my friend. Prayers your way. ✌
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Really glad you are here. That is a whole lot indeed. You put a lot of thought and feeling into your share, which is amazing.
Sending you my best for support, hoping you keep posting here - and offering my thoughts that in addition to any professional support and therapy (which I have had and continue) I had to start with a recovery specific program, which for me means AA. Lots of options on that but addressing my own drinking, then my own issues, and only then being able to work thru relationship stuff was a path that brought me hope and sobriety.
Sending you my best for support, hoping you keep posting here - and offering my thoughts that in addition to any professional support and therapy (which I have had and continue) I had to start with a recovery specific program, which for me means AA. Lots of options on that but addressing my own drinking, then my own issues, and only then being able to work thru relationship stuff was a path that brought me hope and sobriety.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,203
Welcome to SR bob.
First things first, I think the fact that your wife stayed married to you for 27 years and had children with you despite preferring women is a testament to you a a person and as a husband. For that alone you need have no doubts as to your self worth. She obviously still has feelings for you too but they are perhaps just different now that she has acknowledged her own nature. This is in no way, shape or form down to any failings on your part.
When it comes to the drinking I'm sure you are well aware that alcohol's ability to "numb the pain" is very short lived and that it comes back with a vengeance leaving you still in pain but with a hangover on top.
I would have a good read of these pages and elsewhere on the subject of getting sober and then set yourself a date to quit (reasonably soon but don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself)
One of the things that all of us with alcohol issues share is that there is always a voice telling us that we have "good reason" to drink when actually drinking is one of the worst things we can do in difficult situations.
Good luck bob and I hope you stick around.
First things first, I think the fact that your wife stayed married to you for 27 years and had children with you despite preferring women is a testament to you a a person and as a husband. For that alone you need have no doubts as to your self worth. She obviously still has feelings for you too but they are perhaps just different now that she has acknowledged her own nature. This is in no way, shape or form down to any failings on your part.
When it comes to the drinking I'm sure you are well aware that alcohol's ability to "numb the pain" is very short lived and that it comes back with a vengeance leaving you still in pain but with a hangover on top.
I would have a good read of these pages and elsewhere on the subject of getting sober and then set yourself a date to quit (reasonably soon but don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself)
One of the things that all of us with alcohol issues share is that there is always a voice telling us that we have "good reason" to drink when actually drinking is one of the worst things we can do in difficult situations.
Good luck bob and I hope you stick around.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
I'm sure this is a very tough time for you and I'm glad you know that you will get through this. Of course, being sober will help you a lot as you deal with the coming months. Maybe you could consider therapy for yourself? Anyways, I'm really glad that you posted, and please know that you will always find support here.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Bob and welcome 
twice I had long term relationships end and twice I drank myself into oblivion thinking I was worthless and unloveable and inherently unable to give my partner what they wanted.
its a testament to you that you realise drinking yourself into the ground is not the way to go with this.
You'll find a lot of support and understanding here
D
twice I had long term relationships end and twice I drank myself into oblivion thinking I was worthless and unloveable and inherently unable to give my partner what they wanted.
its a testament to you that you realise drinking yourself into the ground is not the way to go with this.
You'll find a lot of support and understanding here
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Out in the Stix of Southern Indiana
Posts: 2,784
Welcome Bob. Hanging around SR has helped me to no ends! Open 24/7. I'm glad you found this place. No one can do it but you but there is a lot of people here willing to help. Best wishes for you on your journey!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 1,132
That is an intense story! Wow. There is some good advice above. I especially like what saoutchick says. I would continue counseling. Of course stop drinking. I've never been to AA but I wonder if that might help as a social support network. Your comment about that resonated with me. I wish you the best, and there is always someone here to talk to if you need it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by 99bob 
After much self reflection and hard work, I came to the realization that the trigger was the feeling of disconnect with my wife.
I see it happen in many marriages, probably more than half. Most of my married friends seem to be getting along, but have gone separate ways emotionally. By most standards, their marriages would be considered good. The fact they have been together for 40 years says something, but in many of these I don't see the spark. They are more like arrangements of convenience. They get along as friends, and the bills get paid, but not much more.
I have known the occasional couples who have remained inseparable over years and years. They are together all the time, working and recreating together constantly. My best friends are a married couple like this. I commented on how enviable their marriage seemed to me. They guy just acknowledged it. His wife implied they fought a lot. I don't know. Maybe, it's some ideal state where two adults have learned how to fight and love each other.
Personally, I hated fighting, and if fighting is as important as some so called experts have said, I would have to say, I don't understand. I don't believe I am alone on this. The husband of another close couple that I hang out with told me one time that he and his wife rarely fight, and I believe it. As he put it, it serves no positive purpose. And I would agree. Fighting seems destructive in both love and friendships.
I read a book by some psychologist who advocated learning how to fight in marriage. Hmmm, maybe. How about learning how not to fight? But I'm hardly the expert.
But that natural marital drift that just quietly evolves is a somewhat sad thought for me. Not that it would cause me to drink, nor did it when it happened to me. OK, I was still a drinker back then, but I don't think my drinking had anything to do with my marriage or my divorce.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 230
Disconnect with your wife is a trigger for you to drink and makes you miserable.
Now you know know your wife is Gay. There’s no easy way to say this but I think you will only start getting better when you have separated from your wife.
Now you know know your wife is Gay. There’s no easy way to say this but I think you will only start getting better when you have separated from your wife.
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